End of the week – for a work week one of 2013. It was very busy at work – but its ok, cause I love what I do and it was a good week of doing. Trying to get back on my diet–well not diet just trying to get back on track eating healthier, esp after a Christmas binge. I didn’t sleep well but that is par for the course. All in all I am feeling good today. I sent out some email’s to some friends to tell them how much I appreciate their calls before christmas. I was a bit of a mess,and its nice to be in a better place. I got my letter of referral for my psychiatrist. My doctor calls the hospital to get an apt with the Mental Health Outpatient Services Clinic, and they send a letter. Lets just say that when you receive a letter from the Hospital and the return address is the Mental Health Clinic, it throws you off a little. In the letter it says – call for an apt. …… -_-….. The doctor could have given me a number and I could have just called, Canadian health services at work. So in 2-3 months I can get an apt for a consultation. (next breakdown it might be better and faster to just take a cab to the hospital check in). Today I feel good – so I look at this (once I go over the stinging shock that – yes this letter is for me and with that department of the hospital) and figure it’s another step in the process and another step in the adventure. I am trying to be positive.
I have managed to carve out some quiet time before I go to work and do a little reading from my bible. It helps create a place of calm with in me before I go face the world. It has helped greatly this week. I have been doing a lot of reading in John, but this week I have been drawn to Matthew. I read the beatitudes and I read about Jesus healing the sick, and his travels – then I turned the page and read the following.
21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder,[a] and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister[b][c] will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’[d] is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.
23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
Gulp! If you read my 70X7 post – you will remember that my brother and I had a disagreement. Well let me be honest. My brother made me angry and can be an ass, and I am tired of being the peace maker and darn it he can apologize to me and make things up…. I am tired of family members being stupid and I having to clean up their tongue waving messes and for once clean it up yourselves. ( I know tell you how I really feel) haha. To sum up– he made me angry and I am not ready to not be angry. And then I turn the page and God convicts me on the spot. I don’t like being convicted. I don’t like cleaning the house — but sometimes it has to. I think what stood out to me is that by not forgiving my brother, I murder him. I know literal, but look at the words. Anger and name calling will lead to death. Emotion, and words. See we are back to the word again. The word became flesh– my anger put flesh to my hurtful words and murdered my brother. I know not literary, but it is something I have to answer for. My brother is a man who God created. We are all created in God’s image, and are also loved by God. God is the start and God is the finish of everything. If I keep my eyes on the kingdom of God and remember Jesus’ prayer for all of us as he looked into the eyes of the men who nailed him to the cross, his murders, and prayed “Lord forgive then for they do not know what they are doing” for our nature is sinful and our pride runs rampant, and we feel entitled. It’s hard to forgive. Even now as I type these words, I am thinking “he is such an ass, I am tired of pointing out how the insensitive has hurt the sensitive, and to grow up.” I do not want to have to answer to the Lord for that. So how do you do it? Forgive when you don’t get a “I’m sorry.” Well our sinful nature is a part of us that the devil uses sometime to pull and push us where he wants us, but Jesus’ is more powerful. I can only forgive if God helps me– this means I pray prayers like – Dear Lord , I am a poor miserable sinner, whose nature is thinking more about what I wear, how I feel and how dare they wrong me. Jesus provided the victory over death and the power of sin — In Gods eyes I am brilliant white, and only through him can I forgive I have to give it to God and give it to God and give it to God and give it to God and when I think I am done Give it to God again. I can do nothing without the Lord.
So this weekend I will clear the negative voices that talk about how much I am up set with him and replace them with songs and words of praise that through God I can move mountains and forgive him even when I don’t feel like it.– I will let you know how it goes
till next time………………