Ledge Sitting


Still sitting on my ledge with my back against the wall.  No dangling feet, no acts of bravery looking over the edge, no sight-seeing from my vantage point.  I am afraid to take my back off the wall.  The wind is blowing in gusts, sometimes it takes a lull and I sigh and take a breath.  Other times it gusts and I push my back against the uneven rock wishing it was a cave or cleft that I could hide in or grab onto.    I am weary,  tried to the bone.  I feel unstable on my ledge but I feel if I relax I will fall off.  The fight to stay upright and hold on wears one out.  I try to sleep a lot.  It’s not normal to drag yourself out of bed and shower and think,  not about the day ahead and the accomplishments, events of the day.  I am thinking if I eat my lunch fast I can have a nap in the staff room at work.  I am thinking if I try hard I can get all I need to do when I get home so I can go to bed early.  The thought of exercise — well forget it I try to walk and run but I don’t.  Im good for a week or so then Im not.

I am not panicking I am not having anxiety attacks, I get anxious sometimes.  I have been better that way, I am just having an issue with the physical aspects of this.  Body hurts, sleeping or not sleeping, tired.   Sometimes I get a burst of energy and I go like crazy cause if I don’t I will never get things done.  I am not doing everything on my own.  My family has really picked up in helping, which is nice.

In my research of depression and physical pain, I have discovered a  lot of studies done on it.  Treatment options on the other hand are not so straight forward.  Doctors and the medical society acknowledge that there are links between physical pain and depression.  Which is nice to know but the bottom line….. back to the doctor for another discussion about all of this and what is the next step.  And of course you know that means more drugs!  Well that is a guess, if anything it means blood work. Maybe it is low iron or thyroid.

On the other side of things.  Emotional side.  I have anxiety, but not panic attacks, or anxiety “attacks “.  I have noticed that it is a little  smoother.  I get confused sometimes. and it takes me sometime to sort things, I blame that on having teenagers.  In reality I worry my mind is slipping which is how it feels.

As for my God, I am ok.  God is not my confusion.  God is my Lord, Jesus my Saviour, Holy Spirit my Councillor.  I am heading back to bible study as it starts up again.  There are other things I should be doing and working on but I am afraid that I don’t have the energy for it.  So I will do what I can till the next apt., sleep when I can and try not to rely on coffee to keep me awake.

Till next time………z z z z z z z z z z z z

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