So I have had a bad week. Spent most of it on anxiety meds and curled up in a ball at night. I haven’t eaten most of the week and I have managed to get to work, and do what I have to do. We launch a huge web based project next week for the next 2 weeks, and I have been coordinator for it, so if this launches well– I am a hero at work! I have been working out (exercise) as a punishment to be honest. I do a Beach Body insanity work out and its pretty high impact and I was really pushing it last night. Today my husband who has been freaking out cause I have been so low made an apt for us to go to pray with my minister. The anger flairs up again… what good does it do, just a burdon on a friendship, how stupid of me to need this type of care, people must be tired of this — I know I am.
How is that for a list of negativity. I desperately want to be well, I feel like i need something to fill a void. I search for God to fill it but nothing does. Is this just the illness space, the devils space, Gods space, a prayer space or a space that needs attention – vain space . Or just space that is there created by chemical imbalances and can never be filled. I don’t know.
I am trying to do right– I haven’t eaten for a few days that is wrong, I have been taking my anxiety meds that is good– had some wine. Ok I guess I am not doing right. But this prayer thing tonight is right and I am angry about it. I know its the devil – its just so hard to separate the heart from the mind.
till next time…………………