So I have had a bad week.  Spent most of it on anxiety meds and curled up in a ball at night.  I haven’t eaten most of the week and I have managed to get to work, and do what I have to do.  We launch a huge web based project next week for the next 2 weeks, and I have been coordinator for it,  so if this launches well– I am a hero at work!  I have been working out (exercise)  as a punishment to be honest.  I do a Beach Body insanity work out and its pretty high impact and I was really pushing it last night.  Today my husband who has been freaking out cause I have been so low made an apt for us to go to pray with my minister.  The anger flairs up again… what good does it do, just a burdon on a friendship, how stupid of me to need this type of care, people must be tired of this — I know I am.

How is that for a list of negativity.  I desperately want to be well, I feel like i need something to fill a void.  I search for God to fill it but nothing does.  Is this just the illness space, the devils space, Gods space, a prayer space or a space that needs attention – vain space . Or just space that is there created by chemical imbalances and can never be filled.  I don’t know.

I am trying to do right– I haven’t eaten for a few days that is wrong, I have been taking my anxiety meds that is good– had some wine.   Ok I guess I am not doing right.  But this prayer thing tonight is right and I am angry about it.  I know its the devil – its just so hard to separate the heart from the mind.

till next time…………………