Suffering today — and its self inflected too… Its not what you think — I haven’t been drinking or such –I just  too many chocolate covered peanuts.  Halloween.  I love chocolate and nuts, yum yum and I have no control or limits for them and of course I usually don’t eat sugar so I have a sugar rush.  Oh there could be worse things.

I have been doing well this week except for the chocolate over indulgence.  I had a doctor’s apt yesterday which followed up on one previously.  My doctor feels that my diagnose is not correct and wants me to go to for a consultation and diagnose.  First off there is no such thing in mental illness as a consultation, it really is consultations, plural.  I had a chance to think about it read a lot of information and make a decision.  My Doctor feels that I suffer from Major Depression with psychosis.  She is not qualified to make this diagnosis,  so thus the referral.   I refused.  She tried to talk me into it.  I still refused– it’s the first time her and I have ever stalemated over something before.    Am I better, am I cured…. no.   I am just done with the doctor appointments,  maybe that is the wrong attitude,  I do know.  If you are a follower of my blogs,  you know,  that I do have times when I am in trouble and times when I need people to be close me.   However, I am not willing to change drugs anymore.  I am hanging in as is for the next few months till June. Depending on what is what, by then I may start to decrees and go off the drugs.  It will be almost 3 years of drugs- $1450.00 per year.   The adjustment period is so hard when changing antidepressants.  I do not want to fool with them.  I would rather struggle with the darkness than go through the horrible experience of changing or adjusting drugs.

For today — cause it’s a good week– I feel that I am coming more comfortable with my illness.  I still have issues with the “illness” word    It’s the pity in other people’s eyes or the challenging look that tells you to snap out of it and be happy, that bothers me more.  Personally in my heart I am feeling more comfortable and isn’t that half the battle with any illness.

As I said I am good.  I have been spending a lot of time with God reading and meditating.  God has been talking to me through those around me and I feel at peace – its nice to be at peace.  My friend wrote on face book  “beloved, do not believe every spirit but test the spirits whether they are from God ,”  It struck a deep chord with me.  If you suffer from depression or know of someone,  you know of the dark spirits that are around you.  They are knowledgable of God and his words and can twist them like a piece of wet wood in the sun.  The  less aggressive spirits that sound like God,  but are not – they are sly and sneaky in how they approach you.   It all comes down to two things, the peace factor, and the truth factor.  If you have peace and it stands up to the truths of the bible its is a true spirit of the Almighty God.   It is that peace that I have been bubbled in these days.

I have been trying to use a new thought process to cope with things.  I have been trying to not control myself.  I know this sounds weird because its is the lack of control that is taking over my life.  I have been spending alot of time reading the Sermon on the Mount.  Its starts with Blessed is the Poor, and those who mourn, persicuted etc etc.  I am not going to repeat it if you want to know more read Mathew 5.  As I spent time concentrating on these passages it is those who are down and out. It is about people losing, lost, giving away.  It is about not having-and God giving.  God has shown me how through this illness I have been poor in my mind, through this illness I have mourned what I used to have.  I have mourned my stable mind. I have mourned my own determination to handle things.  I have mourned my control over my thoughts, where I go, how I feel,  what I do.  This illness has taken a lot of that from me.  God has been there backing me up.  God has shown me through my weakness how I can be strong through him.  Through my mourning he brought me tears of joy as he fills me with his peace and strengthened our relationship.  God has shown me that through  the loss of control that I gain his control.  The lost is found, the weary – rest, the hungry are fed.

These are my thoughts this week …next week I could be in a bad place, who knows one step at a time

till next time……………………….