Working on it.

Its been a busy week — into lots of new things at work I have never done before, its been exciting and I am loving my job.  The kids have been good, my husband too, I can’t say anything has been wrong.  Working at work — working at home, putting patio furniture away and cleaning leaves the usual fall stuff.  Last Saturday was a sunny 10 degree Celsius day and I worked outside all day long.  The sun lifted my spirits so high, it was unbelievable.  This week we had a few dark days like today but Tuesday was a sunny day and I went to our public library which has a huge bank of chairs facing a west window.  I sat there like a cat in the sun.  Soaking up the sun and the view and the moment.  I don’t know why but I have been very sensitive to the sun these days.  My skin is a mess right now.  I have psoriasis and photo therapy is the best thing for it.  My dermatologist says no sun screen and in the sun for as often as I can (of the effective areas) I go to a tanning bed in the winter – so bad for you yes ( I throw a towel over my face and chest) but for my legs and arms I need it.   I wrote a while ago about how my pastor was praying for those who suffer from seasonal disorder syndrome.  Lack of Sun.   I had made the connection that hey you know what ! that is me.  But I sorta half believed it.  But after Sat in the sun all day and how lifted, on top of the world I felt.  It is very real to me that lack of sun has a very huge effect on me.   I have always loved the sun so truly it’s not that new of  a thing.  But the way the lack of sun has effected me — well its understandable but a small part of me is like ” great something else”   to know and understand is more important to me than adding something else to my list of ailments.

A friend of mine puts a bible passage on Facebook every morning and sometimes I swear he is creeping me, or reading my mind.  The one morning he wrote ” God is spirit , and those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth”  As I meditated on this God very clearly spoke to me and said “I will fill your spirit,  trust me” A sence of peace fell upon me when I told God I will trust him.  But at the same time I could feel that old familure struggle inside.  I have been trying very hard for the past few days to feel positive.  I am not in a depressed hole, but I am resisting the temptation of darkness.  I have spent a lot of time meditating with music – praising God — I have spent time when I wanted to sit and hide, to put myself out there.  When God spoke to me that morning I had the feeling that I wanted to take my anxiety drugs and curl in a ball and hide.  To hide is a great temptation.  To pull away and not be with people pulls at you when you are not 100 percent.  And how easy is that to do.  Everyone is busy, shut off the phone and crawl in a hole and think this will be rest.  It is anything but rest.  It is a hole of hell, screaming voices and attacks on your soul — the devil trying to undermine everything you have ever thought and felt.   When I read in the bible about the 40 days that Jesus spent in the desert being tempted by the devil – I wonder if this is what it was like.  When I read these words I can almost hear him. Using the bible words to twist them into worship for himself.  Being sly and clever to throw Jesus off guard to trip him up.  I trip over my own feet, without much effort by the devil. There was a time that I felt I could stand on my own two feet, solidly.  I will admit as things have progressed this week and I try to keep myself on track– (please note the phrasing of that last line– try to me MY self on track)  The more I concentrated on Gods words and Gods spirit within me.  The more I was able to pull away from wanting to hide in darkness and hide in the light in the softness of Jesus’ own lap as a child of God.   I wonder if Jesus got tired of the fight against the devil.  The fight against depression wears me out, sometimes.

The other verses my friend wrote this week Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ–Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding—-

Think God is trying to tell me something???? For my own mind or understanding is not normal,  My own mind or understanding is compromised  who’s understanding can I really trust? Why not the creator of everything.


Till next time………………..


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