one week left


One week left in my holidays….my goodness time flies. I have lots to complete this week but that is ok, all will get done. On reflection it has been a good time off. It has had its up and downs but all in all its been good.

My goal for this summer was me, get healthy me, get fit me, slim down a bit me. In the downs I have faced this summer I think I have realized some of the beginning signs of certain behaviours. I know me better. I know when I should stop myself and reroute some of the things I am doing, feeling. The hardest part is fighting the direction the downs take you. Its like walking against the current in a river, sometime the current is slow and its a easy walk sometimes it is so fast it carries you away. It has taken me away from time to time this summer, not swept away never to come back, but I have been swept off my feet and dragged down a bit to regain some foot hold and crawl back to where I once were. I still am not in group therapy yet, but I will call and see where I am on the waiting list, in the mean time I have been creating my own strategies. My husband watches me like a hawk, he is so afraid of me hurting myself he is on me like a wet blanket. He has started going to a gym after work so I have been encouraging him to go often to give me a hour of breathing time. I am not ungrateful, he is a wonderful man, he loves me dearly and I him, he is just worried and I know that is my fault and I hate to see him that way. The thought just ran through my head when I wrote that last sentence that I should just stop, but sometimes you can not help the darkness that attacks. If a large wave is coming towards you, you can not stand still close your eyes and think it will not hit you cause you can’t see it. I fight in my head somedays, I don’t want to, but I have conversations in my head so I snap my elastic’s around my wrist if they get too loud to shock me into thinking about what is going on. My shock therapy with out wires.

I am heading to a naturopathic doctor in the next couple of weeks. I have tried the medical side of things. I am putting on weight and I eat all the right things, and doing a combo of p90x and Insanity workouts 6 days a week, the meds are creeping up the pounds- don’t think me vain, I just don’t want to have to buy new cloths. I have a closet full of cloths for work I want to fit back into. I keep trying to be healthy, and eat right, sleep right, what else can I do– just go forward and do my best

till next time………..

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