hanging on the edge

Sunday night.  Its been a very crazy week.  As I have said before I work at a high school, one of our students was hit by a train and killed this week.  I knew the student fairly well. It was a weird accident and a senseless death.  That happened Tuesday night.  Wednesday morning I talked to every news agency wanting me to comment off the record what happened and they were relentless.  My Mom loved my writings when I was growing up and hoped I would be in journalism.  After this past experience and the news I see on TV I am so glad I am not.  It has become a reporting of the sensationalism.  There is no “writing” just a promotion  and exploration of people when they are having their worst day of their lives.  I sitting at the front desk of a school get to see lots of stuff.  This in not a gentle job. I am the lowest paid person in the office but I dealt with the most difficult situations this week.   The investigation officer was at my desk the day after and told me all the details of the event.  The student who shared her locker with the student brought me all her stuff the day after her death, from the locker.  Including her wallet and personal items and books.  The younger sister of the victim, came to inform me of the funeral arrangements.  I greeted the director of the School District of Education in our City as he came to give staff, condolences.  I spoke to the Minister of Education who wanted to give his condolences to the Principal of our school.  I spoke to neighbours that want the school to lobby for fences to be built.  To alumni who want to build a walkway over the train tracks to make public safety better. Parents of other students who just wanted the inside scoop on what was what and who was involved, and all the gory details.  Wednesday night I came home and had a nap I was so exhausted.

The worst of it all was having all these teenagers walking around hopeless and I know a secret that they need to hear.  How Jesus the son of God died for them.  That this girl was escorted through the valley of the shadow of death because Jesus opened the road for us to cross in safety.  There is hope and love and I never got to tell her and I could not, do to school policies,  tell the others of the hope that comes through God.  So I prayed that God would knock on their hearts and they might open the door.

But beyond all this surreal week, today I have been feeling really down.  I feel like my ledge broke away and I am hanging on by my fingers.  I have been good for a while now.  Maybe its lack of sleep – I did nap today for an hour or so.   It’s not anything bad or evil, I just feel totally numb.  Unable to think.  I prayed in church today but could not get myself to feel anything.  My relationship with God is not a touchy feely thing.  It a solid relationship.  But I felt stoned  (which I am not) just numb to feel anything or think anything.  Just part of the depression package.

I am hoping that I can get it together before Tuesday.  I have been asked by the Phys Ed. teacher to talk to her grade 12 girls about depression.  I am teaching a class.  !!!! Never ever thought I would be doing it.  But here we go.  I have created a lesson plan, handouts, and topic of discussion.  It should be a good class and an interesting  day.  Will tell you how it goes.

But for tonight I am tired, despite the nap, I am sad, I don’t know why, I am afraid of not getting out of this mood, I am angry, for feeling so good for a while and dipping again, I am numb, I do not know what to think or what to do.  So tonight I pour my broken heart out to you and a friend.   I was texting to my best friend from school.  And what a friend she is, she would drop everything to come and help me and I would do the same for her.  She  is an amazing friend and I am not going to tell you how long we have been friends cause that number might make me feel more depressed cause that means I am getting older 😦   .    I was telling her about my week and when we had finished talking, I realized that God had blessed me so much in my life.  Husband,  friends from home, friends here in the city.  I am a blessed lady with a great family and friends.  How can I still feel depressed with all this support.

Oh Lord help me out of the hole…………..till next time…………………….


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