Wednesday – just trying to get caught up on my house work, and prepare for painting my daughter and son’s rooms. Feeling a little down. I knew I was going to feel that way today, I could feel the physical change this morning. I went for a walk with a friend today and had coffee. It was so fun hanging out with her. I have always thought her of a good friend. It was nice to talk.
Its funny over the past few days I have been having the same theme re-occure. You never know how people look at you. You never know how you appear, you know how you feel and usually the two never coincide. My friend told me that I put forth a projection of confidence. I don’t panic but look at a problem and make a plan. I have always seen myself as not having confidence. I have always felt self-conscious and afraid of not meeting the demands of marriage, family and work. Being raised on the farm you never sat down, you always had to keep working to meet the demands of the day, the needs of the animals on the farm. It was just expected that things got canned, things got cooked, cleaned, and taken care of. You just did. I have always been self-conscious of dressing appropriate and trying to look ok and being accepted, and never really feeling that I was. Yet others always seen me as an achiever, confident and self-assured. Funny the confidence others saw, was me just taking care of business and doing what had to be done, or expected, yet never feeling like I really met those expectations, if anything I was anxious, a little OCD and never really fitting in or feeling normal.
How screwed things can get. I am not bringing this up to be negative, I am a people watcher. I love to sit some where public and watch people and see what they are doing. This insight I find interesting, and yet I think that this is a standard of how every one really is. Don’t we all put on a brave face, Don’t we all try to show a cool James Dean exterior? We want to appear controlled, together, smart, able. — Sorry, previous psyc student, human behavior I find interesting.
How ironic is that. I am a previous psychology and sociology student, and here I am going to Psychiatrist and councilors, and taking medications and endless doctor appointments. Come on that is a little ironic ! Tomorrow I find out what the pyschiatrist says about my apt I had with her and what her recommendations will be. I am a little nervous about it.
As for tonight – it’s getting late, I went to Lent service tonight. I was feeling really down. It was hard to sit in church and listen to the service. The evening was more an argument in my head. I heard the voices say that if this God of mine is to be Holy and Jesus drove out demons and calmed the waters of a storm, why can’t he cure you- you are not worthy of curing, your God is not loving. I spent the evening telling myself that God is love, and he is holy and I don’t know my place. What words are these without knowledge. What words are these that want to challenge God. I was considering giving my darkness a name. In the bible it was considered almost ownership to know someone my name. I don’t want to give the darkness credit or a licence to stay, but I am drawing back to the thought that if I am going to suffer from this for the rest of my life- I need to realize that this is the way it is. Acceptance of this has been the hardest thing for me. Maybe because I have always looked at a problem and said don’t panic, make a plan and do it. With this there is no plan there is no pattern, there are no rules. That is the other thing I was telling myself in church. This is your life deal with it, accept it. Or as my son would say Keep Calm Carry On. The emotional side of me tonight, just wants to cry tears that don’t come out. Like the previous post of that book said, the pain is the companion that never leaves. It is with you and there are days like this evening where you are the walking wounded. So I smile at those around me. Argue in my head. Try to calm the voices, stick to my beliefs and fight the temptation to hide in the dark. Another day in the life.
till next time……………..