May the season of Spring and this year alot of rain


I make it to May feeling like me more and getting back on track.  I spend a weekend away from the kids with my husband to fish with friends.  We have a great weekend.  Except for a little shaking on Saturday night – which my friends either ignored or didn’t see, I was great.  It was wonderful to spend time fishing and being up north and relaxing.  I feel God leading me along, taking care of me watching over me. Helping me see that having depression is something one can live with.  At least that is how it feels when you are up before you go down. May was a great month – June!!!!

I was doing everything right. Eating well, Well actually truth be known I was eating very little but what I ate was Good. Lean meat, healthy salads, (you know there are unhealthy salads) Working out, cut back my red wine greatly.  I would have a glass every evening, but I cut it out and had a glass with a meal on the weekends.  Trying to get sleep, that was hit or miss sometimes I would sleep sometimes I would not. Then one day it started again.  The seeping of anxiety and panic.  I was at work.  It was busy, sometimes its nuts busy, this was steady, but not crazy.  I started to slip, I thought” no way am I having this happen”  I was fighting but the panic was just under the surface.  I finished work, went home, bought supper, fed my family still trying to get it together.  I didn’t tell anyone I was no good.  My husband noticed but had to be somewhere that night so did the kids, so did I.  We all went our separate ways.  I took my daughter to Youth Group, I went to my prayer meeting.  I prayed a couple of poor prayers. The group ended.  I ended up in the parking lot talking to my pastor.  He knew I was not in a good place. I told him I wasn’t good;but I went home to a dark house.  But I was going to fight.  I fought the panic attack, I prayed and meditated for a long time.  I could not get rid of the dark shadow on my back.  It had followed me all day, then that night it swallowed me up.  I had prayed and finally gave into the panic.  I text my friend, “pray for me I’m being attacked”  She and I text abit,  I am exhaused. I couldn’t pray I couldn’t talk, I could  get myself to bed.  I should have called my husband, I should have told him I was alone. I shouldn’t have been alone – not that night.  My husband did come home that night shortly after my plea to my friend, that I was going under pray. He scooped me up put me to bed. he saved me that night. I can’t say what would have happened, but my hubby came home at a good time.    I would like to say I slept, you know I did not, I managed a few hours.  Woke up-  down.  Depression is like that, if you suffer you know it can come on with  no reason.  If someone tells you just brighten up, please resist the urge to punch them. You can’t.  For me my depression is also related to hormones.  I can’t control them.  I can do stuff to minimize the swings.  Eating right, working out, drinking less. My medication I am on, doesn’t mix with wine.  So I stop all the bad things, but depression isn’t always effected by the outside it comes from within.

So for two weeks I have been struggling, shaking my way along.  Some days have been aweful, some better.  I left work for a “Doctors Apt” and went home to sit in the sun to make myself feel better.  Actually no apt, I was having a panic attack and had to get out of there before someone realized I was freaking out.  I went to a Christian book store and got some books on God and depression. I told the lady they were for a friend.  I know she didn’t believe me.  But I couldn’t bring myself to say it was me I was embarrassed.  So I read. I blog. I suffer in silence.

My friend says that I should not be embarrassed about this, its chemical and not my fault.  How do you cross that line?  I am out of control, for a woman who is always in control, I have lost it.  The medication makes it so I can not cry.  I have lost that ability cause it help pushes down some emotions.  I think if I had a good cry I could feel better.  The medication doesn’t seem to mask panic attacks, they keep happening. But I am embarrassed, I do feel responsible for them, I punish myself by working out more – cause I can control that, eating less cause I can control that. I get skinner. Do I know this is wrong, YES. But it all goes with depression. I am trying to make myself eat more. I need to change my thinking on depression. It is something that happens. Do your best to cope, Pray. God has been wonderful in holding me.  When I am at my darkest, I have felt God and the prayers of others holding me when I could not hold myself for anything.  Read the Psalms 121 is a good one it helps.  It is also a good distraction and sometimes cleaning the house reading and walking with upbeat music is all you can do to ride the wave.  But it is a wave. Waves come and go; the wave does go, hang in there my friends hang in there.

Please come back and read more.

And then I was good


March gives way to April, eventually subsided and then I started to feel better.  I stopped shaking a bit (it never really leaves) I was able to go back to my workouts.  I started a new work out program called Insanity— it is insane and got toned up, ran a little more and started to feel better.  Then I started to feel more than just better I started to feel like me.  Me! I remember her, the one who can be funny, the one who makes it a goal to make people laugh. Me, the one who strives to be a woman after God’s own heart. Me, who can look after her kids, husband, cook up a storm and be responsible, hard-working.  I was ME it felt great! I stood up in front on my congregation at church and sang with the worship band with gusto.  And I truly believe the words I was saying.  But I was a little scared. What if this doesn’t stick.   It didn’t. I got a two month reprieve then bang back to trouble.  It comes on slowly to the point that you don’t feel it sneaking up on you.  The shaking started more, the emotions raged. I could feel God pull in close but I could feel evil licking at my feet, pulling at my at the bottom  of my pants. I am in conflict.  My heart is breaking for those around me that are hurting and I feel conflicted with my faith and my emotions.  So I email my pastor- he separates what is lie and truth for me.  He is concerned – I fluff him off say I’m fine just a little down.  My friend talks with me they both know I am hurting They know I have been fighting depression, they pray for me. This is a good thing, I need all the prayers I can get.  But for me my mind  it is like “are you kidding  Ineed a hands on intervention, I am being sucked down the tube of darkness and praying for me isn’t enough.” I’m thinking exorcism, because I feel possessed.  So what do I do I start to isolate myself.  I am embarrassed and thinking I am crazy.  I start to think if others find out they will think I am crazy and won’t like me, take me seriously, won’t think I am worthy.  That is what the lie wants me to think.  So in my state I have an evening at friends, being out and social is good right? I drink too much and make an ass of myself — cause drinking does not go with antidepressants. I shake more and am totally embarrassed. I apologize for my actions they are the only people who know whats what with me so they are gracious and forgive me.  Suddenly I seem to be apologizing more and more to people for various things. I hate that.  I am a women who is in control – normally, and I am losing control and I can’t cope. To give you an example please see some of my poetry from that time period 

In the darkness of my mind I am alone, it is in disarray

There is fear and cold; but I crave to be there

Here I hide my disarray

Here I hide my shame

Here I trick my heart

I look to the light for warmth, I understand its source

It lays bear my heart, makes known my shame, My mind  betrayed me.

My nerves twitch,  strain, I search for peace.

I search for Grace.

I search for Love.

I know its there, but I sin. I crawl to the darkness

 for I do  not know what to do, I do not  know how  to live with this.

I love my God, I pray, but it is hard to fight.

It scares me, I give way to panic, it pulls me in traps me

My heart beats faster, faster, I hold to God with my life

I wish for ease of mind, I wish for green pastures,

I wish for peace

I wish I could cry.

What do you do — you get up, you exercise, you eat right, or at least try to eat, you wash your face, you  go to work, you force a smile. you carry on.

God does love you, God does care, He will sustain you. He will lead you — one more day, one more step, you can carry on.  I don’t know where you are in this but I do know there is a way, a path, a life.  Gather yourself – find some friends,  lean on them,  that is why they are your friends – if they have any salt. Find a church- listen. Don’t isolate yourself- I did its not a place you want to be. You have to keep going, keep fighting. There may be times you close the blinds and hide, I did, but promise me, and yourself that you will open the blinds back up take a breath and move forward.  There is no cure no repreaves  IF you do not move forward.

I will share more next time– till then Gods Blessings