Tripped


I have been feeling good, really good, and in some ways I still do, but I tripped and fell down.  I have more energy, when I workout, and I do boot camp type workouts, I am finding I am feeling more powerful when I do them. That makes me feel more with it, – I want to say more in control, but maybe to say I feel more capable is a better way to put it.  I have learned that there is no such thing as control.  The only thing in control is that God has me in his hand, he is in control, I am ‘words with out wisdom’ (Job 38 old testament).  I have been sleeping better, till this week and that helps me think clearly, which again makes me feel I am capable of so much more.  I have even been thinking about my involvement in church and may join the prayer group again.  I have dropped out of everything. So to be thinking about something make me feel happy. 

However:  you knew that was coming – however I fell down on Sunday, it was creeping up on my on friday and into Sat and the darkness showed its ugly head on Sunday.   I have been feeling down and as the sadness crept in, and as I was fighting all the negative voices,  then I made a discovery of stuff my daughter is up to.  A 17 year old.  Discovered she has been smoking, and smoking dope, has been having panic attacks, and has done some self harm.  Sounds like I am describing myself, minus the dope,  the self harm stuff if from about a year ago, the dope stuff has been going on for about a year, off and on.  How could I have missed it? Well I didn’t totally,  I have had my suspicions  all along.  I knew she was having difficulty in a depression way and I have been supporting her the best I could, I didn’t know the reasons why,  I though it was typical 16-year-old hormones.  some days she would be fine and be fine for weeks then have a patch where she was sad, then she would be fine again.  I should have known better that there is an ebb and flow of depression, and mid teen girls suffer more often than older girls.  She is at the beginning of the hormone changes as she is becoming a women, I am at the tail end of hormone changes –I should have seen more.  We are supporting her now, we have doctor apts set and other support for her a long the way, but truly, I have for the past four years been focused on me.  The first year or so I didn’t say anything to the kids about my depression and she thought I hated her.  When I told her I was having difficulties and it was taking all my energy to function it was unrelated to her and she understood she felt betterour relationship got way better- there was some dope smoking then, and we did all the parent stuff to stop it, and she was doing really well – till now.  As for her- she has applied to several schools for post secondary positions.  She wants to be in film production, which she has a passion for so I am so happy to have her find something she loves, but to get into these schools it has required a portfolio and essays and lots of stuff to do, so she has had lots of stuff and stress.  Sounds like I am making excuses for he, and maybe I am — but through her most influential years,  I was trapped in a darkness that I couldn’t cope with me…let alone help her.  She is an ignored girl, and now I feel I am making up time for it.

That is probably an unfair judgement on myself, but I wonder if it could be different had I been with it.

In the mean time as we deal with this, I am also dealing with this sadness.  I cried Sunday night and couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. Since I have lowered my meds that seems to come more easterly. Not sure if it is a good thing.  I have been distant and heartbroken.  I have the trembles again and feel the heaviness of the darkness .  My husband has been a little freaked out.  I think he relaxed when I was feeling better over the past months and is worried again. 

As Gilda Radnor said “there is always something ” but why all at once, cause today I feel like I am drowning.

till next time…………………..

Advertisements

New Beginnings


I boldly wrote the title new beginnings, I am afraid to write that – incase I relapse. So maybe I should say new beginnings for now!!….. , nothing is a forever thing– except God. I am feeling like a new person.  Still unsure of myself but in a way better place.  I asked the question last blog what does it mean? or does it have to mean anything?  Not everything in life needs to mean something, but the depression and the darkness and how really dark the place I was in means nothing, then I am an idiot. 

I had a rough time connecting that I was a Christian and I was depressed.  Those things are like mixing dish soap with vodka and calling it a bubbly drink.  Does not compute.  The more I think about this the more they do go together.  Is it not darkness that God fights against.  The prince of this world lost the heavenly battle, in heaven and was thrown here on earth.  Jesus made sure that his death disconnected our sin from our Father and Lord.  You can not look for the light without seeing the darkness. I got a heavy dose of darkness.  The dark holes I fell into, anxeria, cutting, anger, despair, how they dragged me to the depths of the darkness.  I have developed knowledge of things I suspected existed, but now know personally.  Christian’s are supposed to be loved by a loving God, a forgiving Father, a protector, our friend, our leader, the creator, endless, with no beginning and no ending.  So how does one fall into a dark place with a loving God. That question can go further, one of the hardest questions ever to be answered on this earth. Why does a loving God allow bad things to happen. Where is he when the lights go out, and the evil comes in.

I do not claim to have the answer but some s.

God gave me a vision, as clear as the computer I am typing on right now.  I was in a bubble, surrounded in the bubble by the darkness and pain, doubt, loneliness, the dark beings that threaten to drag me down and everything I went through in the depths of the depression. I in the bubble am almost a skeleton, skinless flesh hanging on bones, weak, disfigured. Dark swirls flowing over this bit of flesh and bones, it was not quiet. You could hear the crys of pain, the screams of the darkness, the wind of the confusion, moving a 100 km an hour tossing the bits of flesh and bone around in a torrent of a storm that looked as though it was about to drown the victim.  As my view was taken back you could see all of this ragging  of a bubble.  It was small.  It was held in large large hands.  In the hands that were strong and rugged, yet you could see they were soft and caring.  The hands held the bubble carefully.  The face – though I did not see it, but I have an impression of sadness for the flesh and bones in the bubble. It watched as I struggled and fought the darkness.  As I was struggling he never turned his face from me, I was the most important thing for him to watch.  He never put me down, he held my bubble in his large strong hands. protected and safe.  We all end up in a bubble.  Some bubbles are our own cause. We eat too much, drink too much, live for our pleasures, money, prestige, immorality, drive recklessly, live recklessly. Some of our bubbles are put on us, cancer, illness, depression, death.  We are put in them but the cause ourselves..  it is environmental, cancer from chemicals in our world, illness that is incurable, depression of chemical imbalance, or just our heart desiring more and more of everything. We become hoarders of pleasure.  What ever the bubble – we are all held in the hand of God and he surrounds us and is waiting for us to break through.  Never not looking Never not caring Never gone away. You may wonder – well if the bubble is in the hand of God why doesn’t he break the bubble? Bubbles are strong and yes you need God to break them.  He is waiting for you to look at him to break it.  My bubble lasted 3 years – but I had a lot to learn and experience to break the bubble.  That may sound silly but hey be thankful the hands don’t smack together and wipe the bubbles off like dirt. We get out of our bubbles on his terms not ours– he is in control.

In my vision the bubble broke, bits of flesh on the bones looked like a wet rat.  it stood there arms out stretched to its side with a look of bewilderment on its face, free at last.

Last Post I mentioned a pop sound.  My bubble broke on God’s terms.  In the beginning before all this depression started I was standing on my deck facing a August morning sun, warm and peaceful.  Arms out stretched thanking God for my family and all he has given me and how I don’t deserve any of it and how much I loved him and bathed in the peace of love of God.  My pop happened when I stood in Church arm out stretched a few weeks ago, Thanking God for my life, and my children and husband, Thanking God for the truth of the bible and Yes he is real and endless and giving up all my doubts settling on him as Lord and reminding myself of my place, face down at the foot of the cross forever worshipping God…………………………………pop

till next time

 

Around the bend


I haven’t written in a while, for a number of reasons. I have been busy, work, holidays, kids, to be honest I haven’t had anything to write about. My friends would say “you are speechless??” with looks of disbelief on their faces. truly I have been feeling good and haven’t been down. Well there was one Sunday I was feeling sad, but that has been all. I have faithfully been taking my vitamines– the handful twice a day and I was just at the Naturopath last night and she prescribed a couple more. I am sure some of you are thinking — she is just selling you pills of who knows what! But here is the thing. Its working. My adrenals have been low almost non existant over 8 months ago now I am a shade under normal. I am not as tired, I am exercising lots and feeling strong. The plus side is that my Psyc Dr. prescribed my ciprolex at 30 mg’s which my family doctor said she would never prescribe more than 20mg. I decreased my dose over the past eight months to 10mg. still feeling good. I do not advise you playing with your meds, but I know how I feel when things are wrong and when things are good and I am good. My husband says I am laughing way more, and I even had a lady at church stop me and ask how I was doing cause I looked so good. My best friend says she can see the difference in my face. Which begs the question, how bad did I look! You know I had a thought when I was going through the worst of the darkness, I would look at myself and say this illness is wrecking my good looks, its bringing my face down and it will never be good. I have never admitted that to anyone. At the time I thought “oh how vain are you?” and follow that thought up with something unpleasant in my thought process.

It’s a strange thing, one day I just felt better, and at first I was afraid it was the high before the fall, but it wasn’t. When I have certain thoughts they are followed up by colour or shapes, something descriptive. As I was contemplating this illness and how I was at that moment, I got an image of large hands, I was in the hands, I was the size of a tiny mouse, I was inclosed in a bubble, it was dark and had swirls of smoke in it. It looked grimy and dirty, it was the world of depression, the fear and uglyness of the disease swirling around me, and suddenly the bubble popped. I heard a distinct pop. Suddenly I was standing in a study, it had wood paneling, and large heavy wooden desk in the middle of the room. I was standing beside the desk, I felt like I had been swimming and swimming and was standing there unsteady and shell-shocked. There was a person standing at the desk – on the opposite side of where you would sit, bent over sifting through papers. The person didn’t look up continued to sift through the papers and quietly said ” hi there”, like it was a natural and everyday thing. I didn’t reply I simply just felt. I felt the warmth of the room, and the wash of homecoming. And then it was gone. I realized that I felt different, that a corner had been turned, a light switched on, I had passed something.

A few weeks later

Since I wrote the above paragraphs a few weeks ago I have not stopped thinking about that pop. I don’t understand all that it represents or may never will. I think God has put me through something increadibly hard, and now I am past the trama, I am feeling stronger. I still feel like I need to tread lightly, I am a new being and need to adjust. LIke coming home after a long trip and need to get used to being home. I woke up.

So what does it all mean? or does it mean anything? I am not the first person to go through depression and I will not be the last . Things to ponder..

till next time.

Bubble


I was trapped in a bubble. It snuck up on me, from a cynical dirty place. The bubble is a live coming upon the me and encased. Its slimy film trapped in the voices and thoughts of the unfinished dark and dead. The swirls of dark and dust, that stuck in the eye. It sucked out the good it sucks out your fluid of life replaced by the ash of dirt and slush. The bubble is held in the hand of God it is a tiny dirty bubble in the majesty of God’s hand. Swirling in its dark madness. The bubble wears thin and breaks. A skeleton of what was, stands there in naked shock. Unable to open the eyes to see the light, the eyes full of crud and filth. The skin, white, pale with sickness. Warms to the sun. The dead around the feet sprouts into green. The voices fade away. The light shines, the air becomes breathable again. The King is working at his desk, calmly like you never left, and you stand there accepted in this family. I feel the warmth of love radiate to me from this King, afraid of the newness I walk like a china doll, moving, slowly, forward and beyond. A new, but not forgetting. Aware.

Cross On


This has been a long week- and its only Thursday.  sigh.  What has made it a long week??? not sure I think it’s just I have been very busy, and every night something or another is going on and I seem to be getting home really late.  So the week seems long.  A  little tired today but I have slept well so I am doing ok.

I have been reading my journal from 3 years ago.  As much as I remember the feelings and what was happening, it seems like another person.  In some ways I have come along way from the beginning.  I put my cross back on this week.  I haven’t worn it in 2 years.  I have a simple silver cross with the triune God symbol on it.   The past 3 years (if you have read any of this blog) really shook my faith.  There where times that I felt there was no God.  Or he was a far far away thing that hated me.  I was angry, sad, hurt, and untrusting.  I have been told that there are people who think in colours.  They hear numbers and think in colours or see stories in colours. I had never heard about this before but I totally understand what is happening.   I see and feel in pain.  That sounded so much better in my head.  When I talk to someone and they tell me about something going on in their lives or just looking at someone I can see their pain.  It’s not on their face it’s not in their body language either but the same way people see colour associated to certain things, numbers or words I could see the pain as a separate entity from the person.  The pain I felt in my darkest moments I could see.  It was close, surrounding and there.  That was the most frightening thing about the depression.  It wasn’t just a feeling or physical pain that comes with depression but a separate thing of pain that like a tumor attached itself to me and my soul.   This explains a lot of my actions, fears, and panic attacks.  well at least to me if explains things – to someone else it may seem crazy and a part of the psychosis of the depression.  Yes I had voices I hears and things I saw but this was more than just that.  I still see it today. I can see the pain, trials and problems people have. I am just able to handle it better.  I have been feeling more like me.  I was sitting with a friend the other day and he and I were joking around and I felt like me.  It was incredibly nice and soothing.  I remember that chick – and could freely laugh.  I think that was the most important thing of all the freedom I felt inside.

I put on my cross, I opened my heart, I feel stronger. I feel freedom. and spend a lot of time praying about the pain of others – that provides peace beyond understanding.  Just like all things of  God.

till next time

 

And Now


And now it is the middle of November.  I have been to my naturopathy twice now and I take one liquid and 4 pills of various sorts to help calm my hormones and strengthen my depleted adrenals.  I go back in a few weeks for reassessment.

How have I been feeling?  I could still use some sleep.  I have fallen a sleep over the past week or so on my lunch, but maybe that is because I am reading Nietzsche.  😛  I have not lost weight I have put more on, and I can say I am not happy about that, but I am feeling better.

I went to church on Sunday and held out my arms in praise to God and surrendered my soul to him.  I thanked him for the gifts of family, and friends, and all gifts he bestows upon me even though I am unworthy to receive the love and gifts he gives I am still blessed.  I have been feeling happier, and can say I am less fearful, for this week. The ebb and flow of this illness may raise its ugly head but for now I bask in the light of my father.

What changed??? what was the revelation, phrase, event that has put me in this place.  There is none.  The chemicals have aligned for now and as we ease into the Christmas season, I may even enjoy this one.  At this moment the ghosts of Christmas passed had retreated and I hope never to come again.

So today as I hold onto the Day that the Lord has made, I pray a prayer of thanks giving and ask for Gods protection against the evil that lurks on this earth.

Amen

Prayers


Reading Daniel in the bible these days.  Trying to understand what happened when Daniel prayed.  Chapter 10 vs 12.  Daniel is praying for 21 days and God sends an angel 22 days after he started  this prayer.  The angel says that he was sent with a message 21 days earlier but the prince of darkness (evil spirit) held him up and they were fighting for 21 days and Michael another angel came to help so that Gods message could be given and prayer answered.  So does this mean if we wait in worship God will work for us.  this takes us back to Jesus’ words “Oh ye of little faith” and “those who give little get little those who give much get much.  ” For 21 days Daniel abstained from pleasant food, meat, wine, and laboured in prayer – he persisted, pleaded, and agonized with no response.  But on the 22 day an angel appeared and told Daniel why he was delayed.  for 21 days he battled an evil spirit from Persia blocking him from his delivery. Michael who we have heard about in other bible stories, comes to battle too and the original angel comes to deliver the message.

It begs the question if Daniel had given up, lost faith or walked away from God would the message have been delivered? and what if I give up, lose faith or walk away from God, where do my prayers go, how long will they be delayed. The darkness and evil that surrounds me and I allow to engulf me, do they delay my answers?  In Daniel’s case he did not loose faith, but do the prayers that go to heaven have Gods response delayed  because he is preparing hearts of those around us to help or fulfill our prayers?  Or does the devil have greater power here on this world blocking some of Gods answers? and if we grow weary praying and requesting that when the messenger comes we are not there to receive it?

All questions deserving an answer–

So what are the answers?

here is where things get dicey In our world were we like to see things just black and white there is a lot of Gray out there.  I am not sure of most of the answers but lets try this; I know that God is powerful and hears our prayers and permits evil things to happen.  Why — Well a lot of the time its our own fault.  We chose a bad life style so we hurt our health, we choose to drive fast ignore the rules of the road and cause an accident, I could go on, but sometimes its not our fault at all, My depression is chemically based – so I am convinced that disfunctioning hormones is the reason, but does the chemicals in our environment help , No, not my fault but man’s fault.  So now what?  A bad thing is happening and we must allow God to do is give him the time to take what is a mess and make it a blessing. God takes all and turns it into good.  Sometimes we are unable to get up to get that blessing, we are taken over, in my case with darkness that doesn’t allow the light in but pain to persist, increase and engulf.  I am lucky to have amazing people pray for me. I may not believe it sometimes, that their prayers are to a real God. But the spirit is with in me and will rise its head when I have reached that end of my rope.  Be still and listen, he is always there but the static in my head doesn’t allow me to hear or see.  It will clear eventually unto that time.  I will move through the muck best I can and see where it leads.

till next time