Update…. I got up this morning to the singing birds, I lay in bed and listened to them begin their praises to God at 5:45 am.  The alarm goes off and I start the usual morning routine.  Shower, makeup, get dressed do hair, coffee.  I sat on the edge of my bed and I can see east to the beautiful rising sun, complete with reds and yellows and more birds singing, I was happy it was peaceful.  Then it came, a tidal wave swamped me, left me drenched and shaking.  I had a wave of sadness drop on me.  I sat there sobbing.  It passed but left me shaken up for the day.

It was also a realization just how much the pills push down.  On the other side of the pills – when I was taking them, I felt the push down, I felt the  lack of emotion when I should have felt something.  I could feel no feeling.  I played in a youth band and before the pills I had a hard time singing some of the songs because the emotion of the song would choke me up.  When I started on the pills I could feel them pushed down. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying I liked that, its hard to express emotion in a song or to your loved ones when the emotion and feelings are squished to the depths of your boots.

I realized that I have to relearn how to hold, express and control these emotions, its easy to function when they are being held down.  I think I am ready for this step….I am still taking one anti depressant so I am covered, but its like taking off a cast and learning to walk again.  When you spend the time learning to walk again, you risk injuring yourself again as the leg gets slowly stronger.  It is that concern I have for me at this point as I relearn how to handle the emotions, and hope not to risk injuring myself again.

till next time……………..

Monday… not all Mondays are bad.   They are the day that the Lord has made. I should rejoice and be glad in it. Some Mondays are harder than others to rejoice in that kind of furfor, however it is a beautiful sunny and warm day so it’s not all bad.

I stopped taking my Cyberlax  anti-depressant.  Its kinda like getting rid of a annoying friend. This friend doesn’t leave with a quiet exit. It slams the door stomps off and yells all the way down the hall, comes back and yells through the door some more. There are side effects of course. The shaky hands and twitching are back and the racing heart and tremors too. Today I have been fighting anxiety I think I have it under control but it is going to take a bit. I had a dizzy spell at work this morning and I’m thinking is this worth it. I mean really – I have been feeling better and my energy is up and the vitamins I am taking are making a huge difference, but getting off of this drug is so hard I am afraid once I am off what if the depression comes back, going back on it may kill me.   Too far ahead to think bout that. But for now, the side effects make me feel like I am bouncing around in a washing machine, battered and brused.

As for my daughter we have come to a truce for now. So she is behaving better and I am relaxing a bit. My husband is running interference so that helps. She had been working a lot so that have made a difference.

I have been spending a lot of time at home alone it’s  been nice to relax and just be. The turmoil in my mind lately has enjoyed the quiet.

I know I am through the worst of the depression and this is just another stage….but the stages of an illness can wear on you.

So what do I do…I plug away try to get some quiet time to sooth my mine and bite my tongue through the shakes and tremors and pray, pray that God protect me from the darkness, cause I hear it calling for me to hide in its shadows but I know that there is no peace there –only in God’s arms will I find it. I think I need to be over the top OCD about my sleeping, what I am eating or drinking. If I am tired I can slip into the darkness, eating healthy will also keep my body strong. Weakness is a foot hold for darkness. I sound like I am going into battle- but it is. As I allow the medication to seep out of my system, and adjust my chemicals to fend off naturally , imbalances –it will be a battle.

Till next time………..

Saturday…. its been a ok day. feeling a little better, the depth of the sadness has lifted.   I have been able to stop the confusion and the loudness in my head.

I am deeply troubled by my daughter’s actions. I don’t want to go into it but what do u do when your children completely ignore the teachings u give them and throw it all away? I keep coming back to the phrase ‘sins of the Father.’ I see her doing the things I did. and don’t want her to do.    The other thing I can’t stop thinking about is my depression, how my absence cause I was totally distracted by my inner darkness has left my girl alone and ignored when she needed a mother. I remember reading something she wrote stating that she thought I hated her. I can not tell u how deep that cuts. My inner turmoil gave her the impression that I hated her – when truth was, I hated myself.

I was also thinking about my childhood. My mother started to work and Dad started to travel when I was 15. I think they figured I was ok, but had they been more involved in my life I wouldn’t had made some of the mistakes I did then. Don’t get me wrong I knew my Mom and Dad loved me. I never talked to them told them my fears, hopes, dreams. I was expected to get a job get married and have babies.  I didn’t do that – I wanted an education, which I was denied, farm girls didn’t go to college. It was just a sign of the times. I did go to college- on my own dine.

So I was the ignored child..a Hazard of being the youngest child. I can’t stop thinking that I stayed home and looked after my babies and then I went to work when my oldest was entering grade 9, my girl was only in grade 6. It was the right moment to get a job with the school board, but not the right time for her.

So the sins of the father.

So u can probably tell – I am feeling extremely guilty and hurt and shocked.   I look at this almost 18 year old girl and think….who are you? I have to remember she is my lovely little girl.   The mistakes she makes are hers. And there is nothing I can do about that- I can yell, freak, and impress upon her what I believe is right. But in the end God gave us free will and she will do what she thinks.

In the mean time. I need to love her – impress upon her the rules that she needs to follow in our home and pray for her, and trust God will look after her.

That is the rub though…..we struggle with letting go and watching them make their own decisions and for good and bad they do what they do. How patient and frustrating must God be with this human race. When Eve distrusted God, believed the serpant that God would surly not kill them, and to eat from the forbidden tree, and they did, God could have destroyed them. But he endured the loss of his children and prepared a solution for them and loved them. So I follow God’s example, love, pray, and continue to show them the path and hope my children see and follow.

Till next time…..

I am in a grrrr mood.  I am particularly agitated.  I can’t seem to get any peace.  You know when you have a cold and your head is full of cold stuff and you can’t get relief, I am kinda in the same situation except my head is full of voices, swirls and clutter.  The outside is crowding in on the inside, and I am in need of some quiet. 

Last night was Ash Wednesday service, it was awful, I have been haggling over some issues with my daughter, myself, and I haven’t had a chance to sit and think and be still in front of the Lord.  So what happens – my husband makes us late, he is bugging me in the service to ‘cheer up’ and I wanted to sit behind and pray and that didn’t happen either.  It’s a whine and I should be grateful for people around me but everything is so loud and I can’t stand it.

Next week, is March break.  My son will be home, and daughter is grounded so she will be home, and my husband at work.  Surely I can get some peace and quiet sometime.  I need to be alone.

till next time

I have been feeling good, really good, and in some ways I still do, but I tripped and fell down.  I have more energy, when I workout, and I do boot camp type workouts, I am finding I am feeling more powerful when I do them. That makes me feel more with it, – I want to say more in control, but maybe to say I feel more capable is a better way to put it.  I have learned that there is no such thing as control.  The only thing in control is that God has me in his hand, he is in control, I am ‘words with out wisdom’ (Job 38 old testament).  I have been sleeping better, till this week and that helps me think clearly, which again makes me feel I am capable of so much more.  I have even been thinking about my involvement in church and may join the prayer group again.  I have dropped out of everything. So to be thinking about something make me feel happy. 

However:  you knew that was coming – however I fell down on Sunday, it was creeping up on my on friday and into Sat and the darkness showed its ugly head on Sunday.   I have been feeling down and as the sadness crept in, and as I was fighting all the negative voices,  then I made a discovery of stuff my daughter is up to.  A 17 year old.  Discovered she has been smoking, and smoking dope, has been having panic attacks, and has done some self harm.  Sounds like I am describing myself, minus the dope,  the self harm stuff if from about a year ago, the dope stuff has been going on for about a year, off and on.  How could I have missed it? Well I didn’t totally,  I have had my suspicions  all along.  I knew she was having difficulty in a depression way and I have been supporting her the best I could, I didn’t know the reasons why,  I though it was typical 16-year-old hormones.  some days she would be fine and be fine for weeks then have a patch where she was sad, then she would be fine again.  I should have known better that there is an ebb and flow of depression, and mid teen girls suffer more often than older girls.  She is at the beginning of the hormone changes as she is becoming a women, I am at the tail end of hormone changes –I should have seen more.  We are supporting her now, we have doctor apts set and other support for her a long the way, but truly, I have for the past four years been focused on me.  The first year or so I didn’t say anything to the kids about my depression and she thought I hated her.  When I told her I was having difficulties and it was taking all my energy to function it was unrelated to her and she understood she felt betterour relationship got way better- there was some dope smoking then, and we did all the parent stuff to stop it, and she was doing really well – till now.  As for her- she has applied to several schools for post secondary positions.  She wants to be in film production, which she has a passion for so I am so happy to have her find something she loves, but to get into these schools it has required a portfolio and essays and lots of stuff to do, so she has had lots of stuff and stress.  Sounds like I am making excuses for he, and maybe I am — but through her most influential years,  I was trapped in a darkness that I couldn’t cope with me…let alone help her.  She is an ignored girl, and now I feel I am making up time for it.

That is probably an unfair judgement on myself, but I wonder if it could be different had I been with it.

In the mean time as we deal with this, I am also dealing with this sadness.  I cried Sunday night and couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. Since I have lowered my meds that seems to come more easterly. Not sure if it is a good thing.  I have been distant and heartbroken.  I have the trembles again and feel the heaviness of the darkness .  My husband has been a little freaked out.  I think he relaxed when I was feeling better over the past months and is worried again. 

As Gilda Radnor said “there is always something ” but why all at once, cause today I feel like I am drowning.

till next time…………………..

I boldly wrote the title new beginnings, I am afraid to write that – incase I relapse. So maybe I should say new beginnings for now!!….. , nothing is a forever thing– except God. I am feeling like a new person.  Still unsure of myself but in a way better place.  I asked the question last blog what does it mean? or does it have to mean anything?  Not everything in life needs to mean something, but the depression and the darkness and how really dark the place I was in means nothing, then I am an idiot. 

I had a rough time connecting that I was a Christian and I was depressed.  Those things are like mixing dish soap with vodka and calling it a bubbly drink.  Does not compute.  The more I think about this the more they do go together.  Is it not darkness that God fights against.  The prince of this world lost the heavenly battle, in heaven and was thrown here on earth.  Jesus made sure that his death disconnected our sin from our Father and Lord.  You can not look for the light without seeing the darkness. I got a heavy dose of darkness.  The dark holes I fell into, anxeria, cutting, anger, despair, how they dragged me to the depths of the darkness.  I have developed knowledge of things I suspected existed, but now know personally.  Christian’s are supposed to be loved by a loving God, a forgiving Father, a protector, our friend, our leader, the creator, endless, with no beginning and no ending.  So how does one fall into a dark place with a loving God. That question can go further, one of the hardest questions ever to be answered on this earth. Why does a loving God allow bad things to happen. Where is he when the lights go out, and the evil comes in.

I do not claim to have the answer but some s.

God gave me a vision, as clear as the computer I am typing on right now.  I was in a bubble, surrounded in the bubble by the darkness and pain, doubt, loneliness, the dark beings that threaten to drag me down and everything I went through in the depths of the depression. I in the bubble am almost a skeleton, skinless flesh hanging on bones, weak, disfigured. Dark swirls flowing over this bit of flesh and bones, it was not quiet. You could hear the crys of pain, the screams of the darkness, the wind of the confusion, moving a 100 km an hour tossing the bits of flesh and bone around in a torrent of a storm that looked as though it was about to drown the victim.  As my view was taken back you could see all of this ragging  of a bubble.  It was small.  It was held in large large hands.  In the hands that were strong and rugged, yet you could see they were soft and caring.  The hands held the bubble carefully.  The face – though I did not see it, but I have an impression of sadness for the flesh and bones in the bubble. It watched as I struggled and fought the darkness.  As I was struggling he never turned his face from me, I was the most important thing for him to watch.  He never put me down, he held my bubble in his large strong hands. protected and safe.  We all end up in a bubble.  Some bubbles are our own cause. We eat too much, drink too much, live for our pleasures, money, prestige, immorality, drive recklessly, live recklessly. Some of our bubbles are put on us, cancer, illness, depression, death.  We are put in them but the cause ourselves..  it is environmental, cancer from chemicals in our world, illness that is incurable, depression of chemical imbalance, or just our heart desiring more and more of everything. We become hoarders of pleasure.  What ever the bubble – we are all held in the hand of God and he surrounds us and is waiting for us to break through.  Never not looking Never not caring Never gone away. You may wonder – well if the bubble is in the hand of God why doesn’t he break the bubble? Bubbles are strong and yes you need God to break them.  He is waiting for you to look at him to break it.  My bubble lasted 3 years – but I had a lot to learn and experience to break the bubble.  That may sound silly but hey be thankful the hands don’t smack together and wipe the bubbles off like dirt. We get out of our bubbles on his terms not ours– he is in control.

In my vision the bubble broke, bits of flesh on the bones looked like a wet rat.  it stood there arms out stretched to its side with a look of bewilderment on its face, free at last.

Last Post I mentioned a pop sound.  My bubble broke on God’s terms.  In the beginning before all this depression started I was standing on my deck facing a August morning sun, warm and peaceful.  Arms out stretched thanking God for my family and all he has given me and how I don’t deserve any of it and how much I loved him and bathed in the peace of love of God.  My pop happened when I stood in Church arm out stretched a few weeks ago, Thanking God for my life, and my children and husband, Thanking God for the truth of the bible and Yes he is real and endless and giving up all my doubts settling on him as Lord and reminding myself of my place, face down at the foot of the cross forever worshipping God…………………………………pop

till next time

I haven’t written in a while, for a number of reasons. I have been busy, work, holidays, kids, to be honest I haven’t had anything to write about. My friends would say “you are speechless??” with looks of disbelief on their faces. truly I have been feeling good and haven’t been down. Well there was one Sunday I was feeling sad, but that has been all. I have faithfully been taking my vitamines– the handful twice a day and I was just at the Naturopath last night and she prescribed a couple more. I am sure some of you are thinking — she is just selling you pills of who knows what! But here is the thing. Its working. My adrenals have been low almost non existant over 8 months ago now I am a shade under normal. I am not as tired, I am exercising lots and feeling strong. The plus side is that my Psyc Dr. prescribed my ciprolex at 30 mg’s which my family doctor said she would never prescribe more than 20mg. I decreased my dose over the past eight months to 10mg. still feeling good. I do not advise you playing with your meds, but I know how I feel when things are wrong and when things are good and I am good. My husband says I am laughing way more, and I even had a lady at church stop me and ask how I was doing cause I looked so good. My best friend says she can see the difference in my face. Which begs the question, how bad did I look! You know I had a thought when I was going through the worst of the darkness, I would look at myself and say this illness is wrecking my good looks, its bringing my face down and it will never be good. I have never admitted that to anyone. At the time I thought “oh how vain are you?” and follow that thought up with something unpleasant in my thought process.

It’s a strange thing, one day I just felt better, and at first I was afraid it was the high before the fall, but it wasn’t. When I have certain thoughts they are followed up by colour or shapes, something descriptive. As I was contemplating this illness and how I was at that moment, I got an image of large hands, I was in the hands, I was the size of a tiny mouse, I was inclosed in a bubble, it was dark and had swirls of smoke in it. It looked grimy and dirty, it was the world of depression, the fear and uglyness of the disease swirling around me, and suddenly the bubble popped. I heard a distinct pop. Suddenly I was standing in a study, it had wood paneling, and large heavy wooden desk in the middle of the room. I was standing beside the desk, I felt like I had been swimming and swimming and was standing there unsteady and shell-shocked. There was a person standing at the desk – on the opposite side of where you would sit, bent over sifting through papers. The person didn’t look up continued to sift through the papers and quietly said ” hi there”, like it was a natural and everyday thing. I didn’t reply I simply just felt. I felt the warmth of the room, and the wash of homecoming. And then it was gone. I realized that I felt different, that a corner had been turned, a light switched on, I had passed something.

A few weeks later

Since I wrote the above paragraphs a few weeks ago I have not stopped thinking about that pop. I don’t understand all that it represents or may never will. I think God has put me through something increadibly hard, and now I am past the trama, I am feeling stronger. I still feel like I need to tread lightly, I am a new being and need to adjust. LIke coming home after a long trip and need to get used to being home. I woke up.

So what does it all mean? or does it mean anything? I am not the first person to go through depression and I will not be the last . Things to ponder..

till next time.

I was trapped in a bubble. It snuck up on me, from a cynical dirty place. The bubble is a live coming upon the me and encased. Its slimy film trapped in the voices and thoughts of the unfinished dark and dead. The swirls of dark and dust, that stuck in the eye. It sucked out the good it sucks out your fluid of life replaced by the ash of dirt and slush. The bubble is held in the hand of God it is a tiny dirty bubble in the majesty of God’s hand. Swirling in its dark madness. The bubble wears thin and breaks. A skeleton of what was, stands there in naked shock. Unable to open the eyes to see the light, the eyes full of crud and filth. The skin, white, pale with sickness. Warms to the sun. The dead around the feet sprouts into green. The voices fade away. The light shines, the air becomes breathable again. The King is working at his desk, calmly like you never left, and you stand there accepted in this family. I feel the warmth of love radiate to me from this King, afraid of the newness I walk like a china doll, moving, slowly, forward and beyond. A new, but not forgetting. Aware.

This has been a long week- and its only Thursday.  sigh.  What has made it a long week??? not sure I think it’s just I have been very busy, and every night something or another is going on and I seem to be getting home really late.  So the week seems long.  A  little tired today but I have slept well so I am doing ok.

I have been reading my journal from 3 years ago.  As much as I remember the feelings and what was happening, it seems like another person.  In some ways I have come along way from the beginning.  I put my cross back on this week.  I haven’t worn it in 2 years.  I have a simple silver cross with the triune God symbol on it.   The past 3 years (if you have read any of this blog) really shook my faith.  There where times that I felt there was no God.  Or he was a far far away thing that hated me.  I was angry, sad, hurt, and untrusting.  I have been told that there are people who think in colours.  They hear numbers and think in colours or see stories in colours. I had never heard about this before but I totally understand what is happening.   I see and feel in pain.  That sounded so much better in my head.  When I talk to someone and they tell me about something going on in their lives or just looking at someone I can see their pain.  It’s not on their face it’s not in their body language either but the same way people see colour associated to certain things, numbers or words I could see the pain as a separate entity from the person.  The pain I felt in my darkest moments I could see.  It was close, surrounding and there.  That was the most frightening thing about the depression.  It wasn’t just a feeling or physical pain that comes with depression but a separate thing of pain that like a tumor attached itself to me and my soul.   This explains a lot of my actions, fears, and panic attacks.  well at least to me if explains things – to someone else it may seem crazy and a part of the psychosis of the depression.  Yes I had voices I hears and things I saw but this was more than just that.  I still see it today. I can see the pain, trials and problems people have. I am just able to handle it better.  I have been feeling more like me.  I was sitting with a friend the other day and he and I were joking around and I felt like me.  It was incredibly nice and soothing.  I remember that chick – and could freely laugh.  I think that was the most important thing of all the freedom I felt inside.

I put on my cross, I opened my heart, I feel stronger. I feel freedom. and spend a lot of time praying about the pain of others – that provides peace beyond understanding.  Just like all things of  God.

till next time

And now it is the middle of November.  I have been to my naturopathy twice now and I take one liquid and 4 pills of various sorts to help calm my hormones and strengthen my depleted adrenals.  I go back in a few weeks for reassessment.

How have I been feeling?  I could still use some sleep.  I have fallen a sleep over the past week or so on my lunch, but maybe that is because I am reading Nietzsche.  😛  I have not lost weight I have put more on, and I can say I am not happy about that, but I am feeling better.

I went to church on Sunday and held out my arms in praise to God and surrendered my soul to him.  I thanked him for the gifts of family, and friends, and all gifts he bestows upon me even though I am unworthy to receive the love and gifts he gives I am still blessed.  I have been feeling happier, and can say I am less fearful, for this week. The ebb and flow of this illness may raise its ugly head but for now I bask in the light of my father.

What changed??? what was the revelation, phrase, event that has put me in this place.  There is none.  The chemicals have aligned for now and as we ease into the Christmas season, I may even enjoy this one.  At this moment the ghosts of Christmas passed had retreated and I hope never to come again.

So today as I hold onto the Day that the Lord has made, I pray a prayer of thanks giving and ask for Gods protection against the evil that lurks on this earth.

Amen