End of Vacation


It is my last day of vacation.  I work for a school so this year I have 6 weeks holidays.  It has been fun.  I have camped and sailed, bbqed some amazing meals ( well I bought and spiced, husband cooked- yummm) Tomorrow I head back to the office and dealing with 1200 teenagers, their parents and 100 staff members.  In someway I am looking forward to routine, in someway this means the end of the summer season, that makes me sad.  Not depression sad, but longing for warm days sad.  I love hot weather, the hotter the better. I don’t do cold well, and the thought of putting on jeans and dress pants  uggg!  It is what it is so adjust.

How have I been feeling?  I am still not sleeping well, in the past week I got 6 hours sleep one night, the most in a long time.  I average 3 to 4 most nights. I seem to get up and function.  I am not short with my kids, or husband.  I have been working like a dog these days, painting the house, gardening at home and at my church where they desperately need it.  I have done my fall cleaning and purged closets and dressers, moved furniture and cleaned the heck out of my house.  I am a clean freak, but in spurts.  I have anxiety over things not being clean, but a lot of the time I don’t give things a deep clean just a ‘hey that looks ok’ clean.  I have not been able to get back into a workout routine. Last week was good, this week I ran once and am too lazy in my mind to get out there.  But I will make up for that next week when I am back to work full time and organized again.

Self discovery this week?  I am really hard on myself.  I have come a long way in that I don’t feel quite so much shame in having depression.  Writing this blog and the response I have had from it has helped me realize that I am not alone.  Depression is so isolating, when I fall or am down I want to hide.  The mind is a crazy thing. I wear glasses.  I purchased dark rimmed glasses cause I figured that I could hide behind them.  Silly, because I think a dark plastic rim won’t attract the person’s attention to my face. (ya right!)  I have long hair, I wear it down and close to my face.  I change my profile picture on my BBM and Facebook to that of a guitar, cause I can’t look at myself.  I pull away and close off from people.  What I should be doing is opening up, drawing close to people, God, surroundings, make an effort to look open to people and not hide behind things.

Being hard on one’s self is also part of depression.  I think some males that I know ( not my husband)  feel that depression caused by menopause or just chemical inbalance is just  PMS gone crazy and don’t take the symptoms and the way the brain works as serious. I think they feel that its just a phase and it will pass but give no credit to the fact that there are psycological issues the person is dealing with outside of it just being a chemical imbalanced.  This makes me feel like the depression is my fault and I can do something to pull myself up at will.  It isn’t that easy and there are other depression traits.   I am a little bit of a perfictionest.  My kids would say “A little bit!!!”  People who are, do sometimes suffer from depression, another depression trait is anorexia, a denial of self, and punishment.  I have been thinking of this a lot lately.  God has been bringing it up to me often too.   I have mentioned it a couple of times in previous posts but not in detail.  I am suffering not only from the effects of the up and down moods- which over the past two weeks have been good.  I am suffering from anorexia also.  I could go for days without food and never think of it.  There are days I feel bad about me and force myself not to eat as punishment.  There have been days when I have done a run or intense work out and then in the afternoon gone for an hour walk to work off more.   I have never put these words down in print like this before, so part of this post is self-realization.  I had said once to a friend that I had a big dinner coming up that evening and was saving myself for it, they thought I was not eating for diet reasons.  That hurt, but they never knew it hurt.  On the surface it may have looked that way but deep inside it was my punishment.  For what?  I am not even sure myself.  Maybe for having fun, indulgence, I don’t know if I can put it into words. I went to lunch with a friend last week.  I didn’t want to and almost cancelled.  She insisted we go to a chinese buffet.  I was ready to get in the car and run.  I couldn’t go there and eat all that food.  I ate some, and just made sure I spread it around my plate lots so it looked like lots.  I didn’t eat for two days after cause it was way too much food.  A punishment again.

God has reveled to me on several occasions that He made this body and it should be treated as a temple that it is lent to me on this earth before I return to my heavenly Father.  I know in my heart He is right.  But there is a wall between heart and mind.  Somedays I can eat at least two meals a day.  Yesterday I had 1/2 an apple and three slices of Turkey breast meat.  Is that wrong, Yes!

How do I do this with a family and husband.  We are busy we do eat suppers most nights together.  I will excuse my lack or little serving of supper do to large meal I had a lunch or nibbling all day long which didn’t happen. Or if everyone is working or out I just don’t bother cooking at all.  Or make a supper of something I don’t eat.  I don’t eat pasta, or pizza or bread items so I make them for the family and eat a salad for supper.  So what is this?  Its lieing, cheating myself, and wrong.  The meds do not make me hungry.  I have to say its been a long time since I have said I am famished.  And Yes some of this is control when I can’t control my mind, some of this is punishment for not being in control.  It amazes me that I have got to this place.  It shames me that I think along lines that I have never thought before.  It humbles me infront of God cause it is his hand made body I am abusing.

God has been by my side during all this.  He has been gently reminding me that it is ok to eat, it is ok to love my body.  That I am blessed with a body that can run, work out, move, dance, pray, and do many many things.  I should celebrate this body that God gave me.  Its not too bad for a woman in her — well lets just say I’m not 30, but I look good for not being 30 🙂  God has been reminding me that I need to rely on his Love.  His love for the way he made me, and that he made me to be loved.  God always has my back. He always has his arm around me and he is always there to show me how I can improve me and come into balance with myself and him. Today I make a plan to eat at least twice a day.  Its not perfict but its a start. What do I do if this doesn’t happen, I will have a follow up with my doctor in a few weeks I will tell her and see what we can come up with.   In the writing of this post God has made me face what I am doing. I see in writing the destructiveness of depression the destructiveness I am causing my body and how I am hurting my relationship with God and I know through him I can overcome it.  It all comes down to trust.

God’s blessings till next time.

One Day in July


Feeling down today. Feeling like what is the use, friends must be feeling like not again!  I am suffering in silence.  I contacted EAP got a busy signal, (can you believe it!)  When one does get through they can make an apt for you for an assessment in 2 to 3 weeks.  I emailed another counciller and made contact I just have to get up the nerve to actually call make an appointment and speak to someone.  That is the hardest thing to do — three days not haven’t mustered up the nerve.  It all makes no sence and I don’t know what to do with myself,  cause even the kids  don’t want to hear about it.  So I take my emergency meds., they help but the lonelyness hangs on. Being sad is one thing but the lonelyness is relatively new.   I understand my friends son’s suicide, cause it was all our fault.  No one has time to look after our mentally ill.  No one has the care or love; that is the bottom line we communicate through computers, texting, email.  You see the words in print but not the passion or desperation in their voice.  That is the honest truth. Darkness became his companion, and when that happens the loving words of the parents can’t penitrate- I know they tried.  The dark voices do not relent. 

But people just don’t care for people. That is a really negative attitude. I know that it is the darkness talking, but it is not so much a lie.  When the lie of darkness talks to me I can see it most times, cause God‘s light shows it for what it is.  But today. I am hurting deep in my soul, and we are supposed to persevere. Struggle on. Climb the mountain.  Fight the good fight.  Follow through.  Carry on. Go the distance. Its just that sometimes I forget why.  Mostly I forget who God is.  And frequently,  I forget who I am in Him. and now I hardly remember the me I used to be.  

   My husband talks a good fight. But to be honest, I am tired, and could care less about fighting this.  I am not suicidal, but I understand how someone gets there, I can see the path traveled.  I am worn out.  We as a society must take the brunt of the responsibility. If we truly loved people and cared we would be there for those who are really hurting.  We  need to be a society that does not spend its time keeping busy, or playing but a society that cares for the young, the old, the ill.  We need to talk to them, love them, and be there to talk them down.

So I am sure for all my good talk of God in previous posts  you are wondering  where is God in this? I always have to bring it back to Him.   He is always there. He is with me in this down period.  But how does that help ?  I pray. I feel him here. But I am still depressed.  God is holding me, but the chemicals in my brain are still messed up.  I do not feel evil around me God is protecting me from that, I just feel sadness, lonelyness  and disappointment.  As a society our cup does not overflow. We are like dry bones.

May the season of Spring and this year alot of rain


I make it to May feeling like me more and getting back on track.  I spend a weekend away from the kids with my husband to fish with friends.  We have a great weekend.  Except for a little shaking on Saturday night – which my friends either ignored or didn’t see, I was great.  It was wonderful to spend time fishing and being up north and relaxing.  I feel God leading me along, taking care of me watching over me. Helping me see that having depression is something one can live with.  At least that is how it feels when you are up before you go down. May was a great month – June!!!!

I was doing everything right. Eating well, Well actually truth be known I was eating very little but what I ate was Good. Lean meat, healthy salads, (you know there are unhealthy salads) Working out, cut back my red wine greatly.  I would have a glass every evening, but I cut it out and had a glass with a meal on the weekends.  Trying to get sleep, that was hit or miss sometimes I would sleep sometimes I would not. Then one day it started again.  The seeping of anxiety and panic.  I was at work.  It was busy, sometimes its nuts busy, this was steady, but not crazy.  I started to slip, I thought” no way am I having this happen”  I was fighting but the panic was just under the surface.  I finished work, went home, bought supper, fed my family still trying to get it together.  I didn’t tell anyone I was no good.  My husband noticed but had to be somewhere that night so did the kids, so did I.  We all went our separate ways.  I took my daughter to Youth Group, I went to my prayer meeting.  I prayed a couple of poor prayers. The group ended.  I ended up in the parking lot talking to my pastor.  He knew I was not in a good place. I told him I wasn’t good;but I went home to a dark house.  But I was going to fight.  I fought the panic attack, I prayed and meditated for a long time.  I could not get rid of the dark shadow on my back.  It had followed me all day, then that night it swallowed me up.  I had prayed and finally gave into the panic.  I text my friend, “pray for me I’m being attacked”  She and I text abit,  I am exhaused. I couldn’t pray I couldn’t talk, I could  get myself to bed.  I should have called my husband, I should have told him I was alone. I shouldn’t have been alone – not that night.  My husband did come home that night shortly after my plea to my friend, that I was going under pray. He scooped me up put me to bed. he saved me that night. I can’t say what would have happened, but my hubby came home at a good time.    I would like to say I slept, you know I did not, I managed a few hours.  Woke up-  down.  Depression is like that, if you suffer you know it can come on with  no reason.  If someone tells you just brighten up, please resist the urge to punch them. You can’t.  For me my depression is also related to hormones.  I can’t control them.  I can do stuff to minimize the swings.  Eating right, working out, drinking less. My medication I am on, doesn’t mix with wine.  So I stop all the bad things, but depression isn’t always effected by the outside it comes from within.

So for two weeks I have been struggling, shaking my way along.  Some days have been aweful, some better.  I left work for a “Doctors Apt” and went home to sit in the sun to make myself feel better.  Actually no apt, I was having a panic attack and had to get out of there before someone realized I was freaking out.  I went to a Christian book store and got some books on God and depression. I told the lady they were for a friend.  I know she didn’t believe me.  But I couldn’t bring myself to say it was me I was embarrassed.  So I read. I blog. I suffer in silence.

My friend says that I should not be embarrassed about this, its chemical and not my fault.  How do you cross that line?  I am out of control, for a woman who is always in control, I have lost it.  The medication makes it so I can not cry.  I have lost that ability cause it help pushes down some emotions.  I think if I had a good cry I could feel better.  The medication doesn’t seem to mask panic attacks, they keep happening. But I am embarrassed, I do feel responsible for them, I punish myself by working out more – cause I can control that, eating less cause I can control that. I get skinner. Do I know this is wrong, YES. But it all goes with depression. I am trying to make myself eat more. I need to change my thinking on depression. It is something that happens. Do your best to cope, Pray. God has been wonderful in holding me.  When I am at my darkest, I have felt God and the prayers of others holding me when I could not hold myself for anything.  Read the Psalms 121 is a good one it helps.  It is also a good distraction and sometimes cleaning the house reading and walking with upbeat music is all you can do to ride the wave.  But it is a wave. Waves come and go; the wave does go, hang in there my friends hang in there.

Please come back and read more.

Here comes the drugs!


January leads into Feb and then MarchThen what—I started medication for my depression in Feb.  I thought it would be the cure all.  That isn’t what happens with  depression but I didn’t know.  It is sneaky.  The thing the doctor didn’t tell me – my wonderful doctor who a have always trusted for over 20+ years.  There are side effects.  I had shaky hands I was up I was down- I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I lost 15 lbs and blamed it on a exercise program I was on in fact I just didn’t eat much for weeks .  I wasn’t hungary.

In the midst of this I did write some an extensive amount of  poetry, to help my heart mind soul.   Some heartfelt but there was also the heartbroken poetry too- see below:

It came upon me slowly seductively it whispered lies

When I didn’t know I was listening

It attacked my God

It attacked my faith

It took my emotions and squeezed them

I panic

A God who loves us should protect us from ourselves There should not be death suffering in silence

Our minds should not betray us – The lies continue

The dark smoulders around, frightening my heart, cooling it to make it cold

Pushing to keep it off balance

My hands shake, my heart cold, I can not cry anymore

I am not losing my mind

I am not losing myself

I am not losing my love

I keep telling me these things

Murky gray keeps licking the heels of my mind

The lie takes more,  but I see it.  I separate if from my faith. I separate it from my God.

It lets go, but it did not leave

But I fight and fight fight

I am Broken the light gathers

I am Hurt the light heals

I am ashamed the light forgive

Its grace covers me and the love comes through

I give up the familiar robe of
darkness for a garmet of Joy – I try

I feel raw but safe

less shaky But shaken

Peace but disturbed

Forgive my tormented heart

Forgive my troubled mind

Thank you for your Grace and Love

For God is in Control

God holds me true

God is the Way Truth Light

God is my Father, and his Grace and Love never ends  Amen

Needless to say I was in a state, but this is what i have discovered depression does; it turns you upside down.  If you have or are going through depression you know what it can do.  If you have never been through it this is how powerful it is.  It takes all that we hold dear and messes it up.

So now what???? you go to sleep- you get up you try again, and try not to be a pest to your friends but if anything see your doctor, seek people who can help, friends, family, professionals,
God.

I pray that all who read this will be Blessed by God to gain understanding, help and guidance and most of all peace.

Please come back again and read more.

in the beginning


I have been suffering from depression for apx  a year now.  I didn’t realize it at first.  Some days were great, some days I was sad. I would be angry and then ok again.  It wasn’t till November 2010 that I realized that I was not in a good place.  At first I thought that I was sad or angry because I was too busy.  I am a mother of two teens, I work full time, husband, house, I volunteer at church doing Sunday School music, I play in a worship band. I work out, run,  I thought it was burning a candle at both ends.  Some nights I didn’t sleep, some Saturdays I slept in the afternoons for hours. I got hot flashes in the night.  Ya menopause and all its glory was reaking havic on me.  I have been getting the hot flashes since my first child was born. He’s now 18.  They never really bothered me that much you just get used to them.  But then the emotional things started happening.  I would feel sad for days.  I started having a never ending dialog running through my head, about how I would handle some situation that really made me angry, sometimes how I would put someone in their place who disappointed me.  These dialogs ran on and on.  At one point I was out for a run and the angry voices in my head arguing over what my mother-in-law had said to me were so loud and making me so crazy; I physically stopped in my tracks and yelled out loud for the on going tape to “stop”, and turned around and ran in the other direction.  There were cars on the road they must have thought I had totally lost it, and I felt as if I had.  In my journals I wrote about searching for joy and peace and never finding it.  I could not figure out why.  Did I doubt God was there to look after me? Did I not see that he loved me more and more and I needed to cultivate this relationship and make it grow.  I was reading my bible, praying, meditating but I did not feel peace.

Then Christmas started to come near.  A time of year all Christians rejoice and enjoy peace on earth to all men.  I was just mad! Then my friends son committed suicide.  He was 22 a wonderful, funny, brilliant artist.  He grew up in a good home, good parents, great grades in high school, but suffered from depression, deeply, deeply.   He believed the lie presented to him in his mind.  I am unworthy, I m better dead, I am unable to go on one more day.  – – – – all lies – – – – – over 300 people came to his funeral. He was not unloved, he was loved.  But unlike what you see on TV when they talk about depression — people sitting staring out like they are spacey or something, but depression is not quiet.  It is not just sadness. There is a storm going on in your mind.  Dare I say voices? Your voice arguing with the demons that are in there wanting to convince you that you are worthless and no one cares, and you are nothing but a speck of sand.  The lies scream over and over and over they make you doubt everything you believe, they make you question your life your direction, the power of your God. You know that the storm is not right, and then you get scared.  What is happening to you? what will people think? You want to cry for help, but you can’t.  I belong to a church where I have people there to help me,people to talk to, my pastor and friend would listen to me counsel me but I am in a worship band, I sing and praise God in front of everyone, I lead Sunday School music.  If they know the depth of my illness the depth of my depression, they will think I am crazy- I am not crazy, I want to help people I want to be a useful member of church, my work place, my home.  But I am falling into a hole that swallows me up and I am not sure if I can get out of it.

Christmas was aweful.  I tried to make it best for the kids my husband, but I couldn’t stomach it.  I put 1/2 of the decorations up- I go nuts usually with decorations even in the washrooms. Not this year.  I couldn’t cook.  Praise the Lord for cooked chickens at Costco! and the 101 things you can do with it.  My Mother-on-law thought I was just being a snob, and called me a “poop!” cause she was disgusted with me.  I couldn’t tell her that I was in a dark hole the I was trying to get out of.  She already doesn’t like me I couldn’t give her another reason to think badly of me.  I struggled through.  And then I got better I felt happier for a while.   I am going to stop here in this journey for now.

I guess the point of this post is that as the realization hit, that I was going through some troubling times, God was near. I felt that I was alone from him.  I felt as if there was a cloud between us –but that was my own mind creating it, when I was at my most down He drew closer. But the lie likes to take these moment when God draws near and try to confuse you.  Its the lies  way of doing things, confuse, distract, hurt.   The more I felt down the more I meditated on Gods word and I felt relef, not peace but a little better.  Our God is  a Mighty God, and when I was lowest He showed me His Great love, and Grace that is so abounding , these simple words can’t not do it justice.  Just know He is there for the asking.  Ask and ye shall receive seek and ye shall find knock and the Lord will open the door.  You will find Him and the love, joy, and peace that goes with it.  More to come next time please come again and read.