I am coming to the tail end of a episode, that started Thursday.  I got up Thursday seemed fine, but as the day progressed the more I was falling down.  My heart started to race on and off all day, I could not stop the negative voices in my head.  In the evening my husband went out to meet a friend from work, and the kids were busy.  So I secluded myself to the back yard till late in the night.  My son would wander in and out, to say hi, talk a little. I would suck it up and smile talk with him, laugh.  My daughter had friends over, didn’t see her.  My husband came home we talked a little he knew I was in a bad place at one look, but I don’t think he knew how bad.  I did try to help myself.  I called my psyc doctor’s office earlier in the day, to see what was happening with my recommendation for therapy at the hospital. They referred me to  the Anxiety clinic – I call the clinic, they had never heard of me.  They checked their records called me back and told me I was not on record, go back to my psyc doctor or my family doctor.  * sigh * So I called the family doctor’s secretary, she said referral must come from the psyc doctor.  Called psyc doctor’s office, twice once late afternoon second time around 9:30 at night, left a message they didn’t call back .  By the time I had called the second time I was in a state.  Racing heart, loud voices, my husband wanting to talk, I couldn’t. I was so embarrassed by how far gone I was, I wasn’t drunk- the negativity was strong and my actions so wrong, the tremors weren’t stopping.  I didn’t want to talk, I was afraid.  My husband is the love of my life.  Not because he is perfect, he is far from that.  Not because he always does the right thing, or says the right thing, he and I have been married 21 years been through so much.  We survived the deaths of our Fathers, raised our kids, have faith together I respect and love him so much.  I couldn’t look him in the eye and tell him what I was doing and where I was.  It was late when I got to bed I don’t know the time but everyone else had long been there, and I didn’t sleep much.

The doctor’s office called 9ish the next morning.  I missed the call.  Now you know I was upset and I was walking around with my phone waiting for the call.  My son calls me – the van is in the garage, he called to say its ok and he will pick it up tonight. The phone beeps – call waiting- missed the call they left a message– darn Murphy’s law.  My psyc doctor will not be in till Monday – they will ask her where, and who I should be going to see and call me back then. * Stunned *  I should have talked to my husband and had him take me somewhere last night.  The waiting lists for therapy are long, I was told 4 months to get in, I saw the doctor in February, now end of the list.  I probably would get help faster if I checked myself into the hospital.

I woke from what sleep I did have, still tremors, heart racing, slowing down, racing again. I am exhausted and shaky.  I feel like I have been through a war and back. I have coffee with my husband he goes to work, kids leave for work.  I am alone.  I go downstairs find the couch, surf the net, and have a nap.  One pm comes along I manage to get off the couch do a light work out, eat something, back on the couch – another sleep.  wake up 3pm surf the net hang out on my couch till everyone comes home again.  Its Friday night – Costco night (so stupid I know, but its like a hour date night for us :S  ) We walk around pick up what we need. I am glued to him, I am in a panic, people look at me, I am squeezing his arm, he is saying ouch.   I don’t want people to look at me, what the hell do they want!  My husband knows I am upset holds my hand, he figures its good to get me off my couch-island and out of the house if only for an hour.  Then we are home.  whew! cook supper yada yada. now back on the patio in back yard.  It actually feels comfortable.  Alone with my computer.

Where I am going?  I don’t know, is this episode over?  can’t answer. Do I believe God has my back? Yes I believe he does.  Do I believe he loves me? Yes. I am pulling on his forgiveness, for my sins to me.  The Holy Spirit is protecting my soul.

The next day….. I managed to sleep last night. Sitting having my morning coffee on the patio feeling better.  I feel like a cloud has been pulled from my eyes and I can see clearer now.  Heart not racing, feeling like I have some energy today, better.  I am not about to race up any mountains or feel like I can take on the world, but the physical side of depression has diminished some what so I will breath in some fresh air and try to make the most of the day. My husband wants to do a little shopping and I think I can do it today.  We will try.

I don’t think people realize how physical depression can be.  It not only depletes your energy, but if effects your whole body; headaches. tremors, or shakes, racing heart, feeling cold, feeling hot, inability to eat. I opened the fridge thinking food would help me, I couldn’t eat I felt nauseous just looking at it. Depression is not just about fighting demons with in its a inward outward attack.

Its late afternoon still feeling better – really tired now. Managed the shopping no panic’s anxiety, but it wore me out. heading for a nap on my couch island.

till next time…………………….

This is the


The Battle

When the battle rages

And the journey gets long

When temptations grip you,

When the world draws you down.

When the devil’s forces press hard,

Fight the good fight of faith.

Though you are tempted to give in and give up the fight

Though you are tempted to run and hide

Though you are tempted to seek shelter and rest

Repent of these thoughts!

The battle is on!

Draw your sword!

Dawn your armour!

Deny yourself!

Take up your cross !

Follow your King.

Not my words, but words I came across in my bible this morning.  My morning started with opening my bible, something I have not done in a long while, and flipping through a bunch of papers I have in the front cover.  I came across two things, first a quote of Romans12:1-2  9-12

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

9-12Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer


I will start off by saying its hard to fight the good fight with defective equipment.  In the anxiety, the panic, the fight or flight of depression is hard to calm the mind to stand firm in the word of God.  Sometimes hearing, reading the word of God causes conflict with in me raising anxious thoughts and the drive to understand a verse consumes me.  To understand maybe the key to unlock this affliction, it is a mind trick to always be on the lookout for the thing to make me right.  I have always told my kids that when they are upset about a situation, don’t panic make a plan.  Sometimes it is better just to sit and be, I don’t do sit and be well, I fight a constant state of anxiety, second guessing and fear.  I by nature look to make things better for my children, my husband, in any situation.  I am a process thinker.  What I mean by that is, at work I flowchart all processes in the office as per the School Boards policy and procedure to be sure that every situation is handled the same effective way so to result in a consistent manner.  Its good operating principles from a business point of view. I have no process for this illness, I guess this helps keep me in that anxious state. Keeps me from a effective good fight of faith, and keeping my body pure and holy for God.

Thursday morning rambling thoughts.

till next time…………………….


Fruits of the Spirit

Galatians 5:22-23

New International Version (NIV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

I have been thinking about the fruit of the spirit and the Lord in all of this.  ….. You can always tell when I am struggling with thoughts, I tend to write more!  ……   These fruits that Spirit brings to us, these fruits are what God wants for us, provides for us and wants for us to strive to.  Something I heard last week was that the Spirit is there to protect your soul, when we are down we need to remember that God loves us, Jesus brought us closer to God and the Spirit our councillor protects our soul, and the three parts together created us.  On the back of my neck I have the symbol for the Father Son and Holy Spirit tattooed, it is a reminder that God has my back and has been there since long before I was born and long after I will be gone.

There is something that bothers me about this whole thing, and I think that media and society have corrupted the meaning of this.  Here is the thing.  We have heard the “English” keep a stiff upper lip from old movies, we have seen James Dean be the cool unfeeling guy, these are just a couple of examples, the whole James Bond movie series have been based on this coolness- I shall not be moved by my emotions.  I think the same thing goes for Christians too.  They show no emotion, they “stay the course” in their outward faith and show that they are not human but Christian robots.  Never complain, never show emotion, never bow before the Lord and shed a tear.  Jesus showed that in the end before he was crucified, but I think during his lack of speech  during the passion, silence was required because in the spiritual realm there was a lot going on that we will never understand or know, and he was fulfilling what was spoke by the Prophets. But if God is love there should be no silence, showing of emotion there should be compassion, reaching out, holding on, passion.

I am incapable of matching the fruits of the spirit, I am first off separated by my own sinful nature, and secondly my mental illness is a series of battles between my mind, my body, myself, my darkness that follows me.  Do I feel the fruits? On occasion, but I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I am over passionate about things- a down fall- cause when the battle begins I can not control the emotions, urges, the voices.

The Spirit is the protector of my soul, and the three are with me when I am down, I do rely on them, I do seek them, but the battle rages on and in the times when it is not loud I can see the light hear the gently whisper;  but when it is loud I am deaf, in the darkness I do not see.

till next time…………………….

Tuesday day 1

Tuesday after a busy long weekend.  It was a fun filled weekend lots of time with friends, neighbours, family.  The weather held out and it was hot and beautiful.  I am officially off work for the next two months, my secretary job ends for the summer and this will be my 6th summer off.  Where does the time go.  I have a few little projects to do this summer, but I think the most of the job this summer will be me.  That sounds terribly selfish, however, I have to get myself into shape.  Physically and mentally.  I am calling back to my psychiatrist  today, I haven’t been good.  Its hard to explain the emotions the whirlwind that has been going through my mind.  The insomnia I have from time to time creates a vacuum of many things I can’t describe.  It sucks me into the negative voices in my head, it sucks me into patterns of behaviour that I can’t explain or fathom or stop.  It sets me up for the embarrassing results of the loathing I feel of myself.  The past week has been a huge set of responsibilities that I had to accomplish – expertly.  That sounds like I am putting excess pressure on myself , and in some ways I do, but when you are battling a mental illness you have to brace yourself and work 3 times as hard to make sure you are doing all that needs to be done.  For example, I was putting together Commencement at the school I work at, my memory sucks these days So I checked and double checked the lists, the preparations, the lists of Ontario Scholars, and Honours, the lists change almost daily as students get in their final marks and we get the information from the Ministry and their volunteer hours that they hand in at the last minute. so its a huge deal to keep 280 kids together as to what they are doing.  Combined with shutting the school down and information  its was extremely hard to keep it all straight.  Its done, and all correctly but it took tremendous energy and with only 3 hours of sleep a night, no wonder I was not in a good frame of mind.  Its all a struggle that I am failing at.  I see my only course of action at this point is to go back to the psychiatrist- if I can get an apt. and figure out what to do.  More drugs is not the answer but there are other therapies that need to be investigated. Otherwise I don’t want to think of the alternates, and the things I do that effect my family and my marriage, and may rip apart my friendships.  Who wants to hang around a crazy person ? The ups and the downs, as a friend you never know what to expect and what you are going to get. The stress on the kids it hard on them, my husband who is wonderful and love him so much – but how long do you put that to the test.

Considerations and options I am looking for, a way of life is what I am needing, not knowing which way to do that is the direction I must find.

till next time………………………………..

Psycohology of the unstable mind

The psychology of mental illness, that sounds like it contradicts its self, it’s the psychology that fixes mental illness.  Psychology is an academic and applied discipline that involves the scientific study of mental functions and behaviors.  It is the behaviors and the study of mental illness that leads to is cures, its medicines.  We know it is a chemical malfunction that creates the depression. It is a chemical malfunction that creates a cancer cell to grow.   But what kind of chemical malfunction takes a person to want to hurt oneself.  The process of the mentally ill seem to follow the same pattern.  We can see documentation, story after story of how people went from one level to another level to another level to cross into actions that are as unthinkable to a healthy person as they are to the unhealthy. The question then becomes, what is the underlying condition, problem, or situation to lead an unstable person to the next level of self-destruction?

When I was a little girl listening to the radio I couldn’t figure out why all the songs on the radio talked about love?  I was 10 I knew I was loved, I knew that I was in a safe place full of love.  Why were there all these songs about wanting love, getting love, losing love?  To put life in its grandiose terms, life is love.  The fruit of the spirit is;

Galatians 5:22-23

New International Version (NIV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

The fruits of depression are the opposite of Gods Fruits.  There is no peace or joy in depression, only sadness and hurt.  Forbearance, Kindness Goodness, is unattainable because of the pain in one’s heart that they can not see around.  Does the depressed person know they are loved by God, Yes they do but it does not stop undesirable actions that can not be controlled.  This leads to the next part.  gentleness and self-control.   Anger and disgust are the two most powerful emotions that grab onto the heart, it is the self-hatred that dominates all actions regardless if rational or not rational.  To cut ones self is an unnatural act, we naturally hate pain, and do anything to keep from being uncomfortable.  The rational of a depressed person in pain with in, wants to only match the pain on the outside by cutting at ones own skin, or any other harmful actions.  It is an act of hatred, self loathing, and the person unbalanced sees every thing in the house as a potential weapon to their inward pain. Kitchen knives, scissors, razors, any thing with an edge and the depressed individual is looking at what a normal person would see as an unsafe item, the depressed person is making a mental note to remember that ‘thing’ could come in handy when the state of mind becomes clouded with pain, and panic.

Its interesting; when you go on vacation, we go camping you set up and you put up your tarp, you relax have a beer and spend the next hour soaking in the peace and joy of being in nature and enjoying a beer, your reward for hard work.  If you relax your body with yoga it’s not a 5 minute thing, it’s a process of breathing, concentrating, relaxing, it is not a sudden emotion or state of mind.  When you become angry, or feel in danger or have a panic attack it is sudden, powerful and on some levels thrilling.  The depressed person who cuts finds it a relief to be able to punish oneself in  another way, to satisfy the angry voices in the head.  The thrill leaves when the person moves beyond the crisis and wakes up the next morning seeing the destruction the person has caused.  Embarrassed, and disgusted with the actions the person falls even more into a hole.

It is not a isolated development.  If you read blogs, stories, books, of people and the depression journey they have been on, the self destruction is bound to turn up sometime.  How do you stop it. grab the person by the hands and don’t let go.  No human spoken word can cure it, Can the word of God stop it I know that he can sometimes I don’t feel it, but the forgiveness is always available.  As Jesus prayed  over 2000 years ago “Lord forgive them for they do not know what they are doing”

till next time………………………………


In the evening the birds praise God from tops of trees

In the evening the trees reach closer to the Lord.

In the dark the night becomes dim

For the way of the Lord can be crowded by the night

The warmth chased by the cold

The love chased by the emptiness

The edge of despair, cuts through the body

It ebbs and flows in a substitute reality

Of pain, Of cold

In a place of no pain, no feeling, no joy.


Movement, a stretch, a sway, a bend.

Wanting,  to move but the limbs are depend

Previous scars from winds gone by,

make the heart want to cry.

Reaching to the sky the limbs rise high

But to the depths they soon die.

The wind swirls and flies.

Its freedom no one can deny.

Its freedom, the limbs try,

Through the limbs the wind does blow.

Cutting to the depth and makes scares not so old.

It comes as a affront to what was there.

An affront one can not bear.

Movement, stretch, sway and bend.

But today there is an end.

The stars Aligned

Its been a week or so since I written.   I have been doing a few things.  Praying, I haven’t done that much. I even avoided the last prayer meeting I was to go to a while back with my Pastor, but I couldn’t get out that night, I couldn’t do it.  Not going, was like having to go spend time with your Mother-in-law and hating every minute of it.  Spending time with God is not like that — I was in a mood. 

I went to the doctors and was told I have Major Depression with psychosis ( like I didn’t know already—been told more that once) the blood work and the hormone test, eeg, my B12, my iron alllllll normal.  I am perfect health!  Which is good to know cause I am taking all this medication twice a day -_-   I am overweight and need to lose 20 lbs.  -_-   So as I predicted nothing new– told here is your prescription for the next 3 months, see you then, lose weight.   I was angry for a few days, actually I was down right pissed off.   I don’t know what I was hoping for, or maybe that was the problem, I had hope.  I was still adjusting to the adjustment of the drugs, and was down for maybe a week after that but things started to lighten. 

I had my birthday, had a beautiful dinner with my family.  All the stars aligned and we had a fun time, no fights between children, we laughed and talked  through out dinner like we hadn’t seen each other for days, it was great.  The next weekend was my husbands birthday and father day and we spent another dinner out with the kids and it was wonderful and we really enjoyed it and the stars aligned two weekends in a row it was great.  To end off the weekend we sat in my back yard withour best friends having a fire, hot tub and swim.  We talked and laughed what seemed for hours.  I actually felt more like me.  The laughter came easy and flowed.   It was one of the most uplifting moments I have felt in a long time.  It was a relief on so many levels.

So for now I will stay on the meds. Keep going the course and see how things go.  I have been praying and meditating on what I should do– start reducing my meds or leave it.   I am leaving it for now.  I feel good today, if things keep this way – I would like to have a summer and feel relatively normal, for a change.   My hope, but in this boat its like riding a river you don’t know, sometimes the water is calm sometimes you run into rapids.   I will take the calm for now, and refresh my soul.

till next time…………………..


Back to Reality

Fishing weekend over – it was great, I so enjoyed sitting on the water, soaking in the sun, and hanging out.  I did not catch the first fish 😦 but my husband caught the first two, so one for me and one for him.  My friend says he caught more but I don’t think so!  It will be our ongoing argument till the next time we go fishing.

Back to reality, work and all that goes along with it.  Its been a frustrating week and its only Tuesday, but that is strictly related to work issues. Nothing earth shattering just the usual, difficult people or people getting in your way from doing your work.  Just like any other work environment across the country. 

A few days till doctor day.  I am sure it will be not big thing, but my curiosity is still there wondering what is what.  I just hope I can find out something — other than “yes you have major depression and psychosis”, I know!! I want options, or maybe I will find out there are no options, suck it up butter cup and hope like hell those around me can tollerate the strange me.

This week I have been very tired.  My husband keeps finding me asleep on the couch, in the evening, in the middle of the night, sleeping in past the alarm, I’m like a sleepy cat, you find me anywhere curled up in a ball.   I can’t seem to get enough and then I have been sleeping at lunch too.  Being tired makes things I have to do feel overwhelming, and then I get anxious.   Needless to say my work outs this week have been sad.  Monday I did a full cardio workout and my buddy I work out with was like “wow I have never seen you struggle so much” ya thanks!  I know I am whining but I am tired –ok– 😉  

As Gilda Radner said “there is always something”.   Some days I sleep, some weeks I don’t.  Life is a series of ups and downs, hurry up and wait.   If you really think about it what is normal, I would like to substitute my reality with normality, but really who knows what that is.

On the up side, it was my birthday and my daughter who is a typical 16 year selfcentered teenager, was so sweet to me and huggy on my birthday it is still making me smile.  I think I have told her how much she means to me and how happy she has made me.  Happy sigh! it was nice.

till next time…………………….

Gone Fishing!

Going fishing tonight after work.  I am so happy to be getting away.  Its been a very busy week, work has been crazy over the past few weeks and getting busier as the month will progress, from now till the end of June will be a rush.  I need some time with my hubby and some time to decompress and sit in a boat with my best friends and hope to catch the first fish.  (i usually do!)

How have I been doing?  Well; better this week.  I am feeling a little more stable.  It comes and goes.  Still another two weeks till I see the Doctor and we discuss what the tests are saying.  The transition from winter cloths to spring/summer has been hard.  I eat very little but I am not losing weight and my wardrobe isn’t fitting, the up in medication has packed on another 10lbs and that in its self is enough to make someone depressed.  Shopping for something that fits has been difficult.  I have always been very vain.  I am not sure why.  It’s not that I am proud, I am just very self conscious of how I look.  I have always felt that I never quiet fit in, and have over compensated by trying to look good.  ( Boy does that sentence look vainly pathetic.)   The weight causes other issues and leads to other situations, I am not ready to relay to my readers at this point.  This week is better than last week.  I am less physically destructive and the pain I carry inside has lessened, so I can look around it.

Two weekends ago I was in one of my favorite places – sitting around my friends fire pit, with pain filled anxiety .  I was with the ones I love and I couldn’t bring it down.  Last weekend by fluke I ended up back in the same place, I was relaxed, calm and content.   This weekend I think I will be ok– I hope I will be ok, but I am sure it will be fine.  Looking forward to haveing  time off and relax and enjoy some good friends, food and vino.

So till next time……Gone Fishing…….