Another week in June has just about gone by. I am tired today. I got up early and ran 6km, then showered and off to work. Work has been really busy, half of the staff are sick and I got left holding the bag. I am still trying to figure out things but as acting Office Manager I have been trying to get it all done. I have been feeling good. A little shaky today which always makes me nervous cause I am never sure where it will lead to. I have been telling myself it’s just your tired. So tonight I will sleep and sleep in no running tomorrow, (hopefully I sleep) just relax and see what the day holds at the office. Its fathers day this weekend and I am lucky on two accounts. First I have a great Father to my two kids – my husband of 20 years, and I had the greatest Dad as a father. Gone now almost 15 years. It’s hard to lose someone so wonderful and major influence in my life. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if he was here. Sometimes I wonder if he would think badly about me and my meds and my depression. I am still trying to get it through my head depression isn`t my fault. That is not an easy thing to do. Why! it’s the way people look at you if they know. It’s the comments people make about people with depression. I had a comment made by a friend about my friend’s son who committed suicide, because he suffered sever depression. He said that boy was a “realy different sort of guy” He was creative, friendly, loving. he suffered from something he could not control. And that is the rub of it all. Its something I can’t control. That should let me of the hook right? No it never does. I am on the hook. Control freak here– who feels like a freak cause she can’t control her emotions. I am raising two teens, how do I guide them on how to live; how wonderful our Lord is and how to depend on God if I can’t depend on him myself sometimes cause I am too afraid and depressed and feeling betrayed by my mind and my body. So I have my triggers. I still suffer from panic attacks that the meds are suppost to help with, the problem with meds are they need to take effect and they take a while to really work. So I wait in shame in silence except for one or two friends I say nothing to anyone. Not even my Mother. I love my Mom she is wonderful, and my best friend too. My mother comes from a time when if a woman was suffering form panic attacks and depression they would put her in to the hospital. Mom decided she “just wasn’t going to let it get her down” Depression doesn’t work that way, and she and I even though we look alike we are not build the same and my chemicals in my body have always had a mind of their own. When I was 28 and had my first child, after a preplanned C section, I started the night sweats and hot flashes. After my second child some thing only worse, and she was another C section, preplanned. So I never had labour, and wonder if I had the natural birth experience, if chemicaly, I would be better off. A wonderment that I will always wonder. My kids had to be C sections, I couldn’t have them natural so no choice in the matter. I have been having the physical side effects of menopause for almost 18 years. So I always figured , Hey when it gets here it will be a snap at handling all of this. I never figured in the emotional side of things. I never knew there was a depression side of things. An anger side of things, A desperation side of things. A losing control of things and feeling like you have gone crazy. Those women in my mothers time that were sent to the mental hospital, maybe it wasn’t so bad, Yes you had to leave your family, but the husband would say “my wife is helping a family member recover and will be back” it was never talked about and the women got really good drugs to come “around” Mind you there was also shock therapy, so maybe a padded room isn’t the best thing. But there are times I want to run a way for some quiet time. To distract me from the voices of depression and rest and have no responsibility. But that isn’t life. So the reality is cope the best you can. I have made some changes in my life. I don’t shop alone, I’m not allowed, I seem to become panicky when I am out by myself so one of the kids or my husband come with me which is difficult sometimes cause my boy and husband hate to shop. So I buy a lot of stuff at Costco, cause my hubby will go there, and Canadian Tire. I Pray. God loves you He created you, he knows the hairs on my head and has them numbered and how many will and are turning gray, and for some of you what your natural colour was! Jesus walked this earth and delt with depression too. He saw first hand how hard we struggle as humans on this earth. He was full of compassion for us, he wept with us when his friends passed. Jesus was distressed in the moments before he was taken to be crucified. He was distressed to the point of depression because of the things he had to do to make things right between God and us. He paid the ultimate price for us to come to God and for the forgiveness of our sins. He leads us to greater joy and love through God. Pray that God leads you to the light and away from the darkness. God is Good he will look after you. I cling to him in my darkness. He holds me when I am desperate. I will pray for you all. till next time
Tag Archives: Jesus
And then I was good
March gives way to April, eventually subsided and then I started to feel better. I stopped shaking a bit (it never really leaves) I was able to go back to my workouts. I started a new work out program called Insanity— it is insane and got toned up, ran a little more and started to feel better. Then I started to feel more than just better I started to feel like me. Me! I remember her, the one who can be funny, the one who makes it a goal to make people laugh. Me, the one who strives to be a woman after God’s own heart. Me, who can look after her kids, husband, cook up a storm and be responsible, hard-working. I was ME it felt great! I stood up in front on my congregation at church and sang with the worship band with gusto. And I truly believe the words I was saying. But I was a little scared. What if this doesn’t stick. It didn’t. I got a two month reprieve then bang back to trouble. It comes on slowly to the point that you don’t feel it sneaking up on you. The shaking started more, the emotions raged. I could feel God pull in close but I could feel evil licking at my feet, pulling at my at the bottom of my pants. I am in conflict. My heart is breaking for those around me that are hurting and I feel conflicted with my faith and my emotions. So I email my pastor- he separates what is lie and truth for me. He is concerned – I fluff him off say I’m fine just a little down. My friend talks with me they both know I am hurting They know I have been fighting depression, they pray for me. This is a good thing, I need all the prayers I can get. But for me my mind it is like “are you kidding Ineed a hands on intervention, I am being sucked down the tube of darkness and praying for me isn’t enough.” I’m thinking exorcism, because I feel possessed. So what do I do I start to isolate myself. I am embarrassed and thinking I am crazy. I start to think if others find out they will think I am crazy and won’t like me, take me seriously, won’t think I am worthy. That is what the lie wants me to think. So in my state I have an evening at friends, being out and social is good right? I drink too much and make an ass of myself — cause drinking does not go with antidepressants. I shake more and am totally embarrassed. I apologize for my actions they are the only people who know whats what with me so they are gracious and forgive me. Suddenly I seem to be apologizing more and more to people for various things. I hate that. I am a women who is in control – normally, and I am losing control and I can’t cope. To give you an example please see some of my poetry from that time period
In the darkness of my mind I am alone, it is in disarray
There is fear and cold; but I crave to be there
Here I hide my disarray
Here I hide my shame
Here I trick my heart
I look to the light for warmth, I understand its source
It lays bear my heart, makes known my shame, My mind betrayed me.
My nerves twitch, strain, I search for peace.
I search for Grace.
I search for Love.
I know its there, but I sin. I crawl to the darkness
for I do not know what to do, I do not know how to live with this.
I love my God, I pray, but it is hard to fight.
It scares me, I give way to panic, it pulls me in traps me
My heart beats faster, faster, I hold to God with my life
I wish for ease of mind, I wish for green pastures,
I wish for peace
I wish I could cry.
What do you do — you get up, you exercise, you eat right, or at least try to eat, you wash your face, you go to work, you force a smile. you carry on.
God does love you, God does care, He will sustain you. He will lead you — one more day, one more step, you can carry on. I don’t know where you are in this but I do know there is a way, a path, a life. Gather yourself – find some friends, lean on them, that is why they are your friends – if they have any salt. Find a church- listen. Don’t isolate yourself- I did its not a place you want to be. You have to keep going, keep fighting. There may be times you close the blinds and hide, I did, but promise me, and yourself that you will open the blinds back up take a breath and move forward. There is no cure no repreaves IF you do not move forward.
I will share more next time– till then Gods Blessings
Godly Women Get the Blues ? ? ?
Women work hard, play hard, love their families, love their God, but sometimes they get the blues. Blues maybe that is a mild term. Sometimes Godly women can become down right depressed. Depressed is a mild word, sometimes women can fall into dark holes of despair. When one falls into that dark hole what do you do? I have been struggling with depression for more than a year now. I didn’t realized till just before Christmas 2010. It was not a crisis of faith. If anything God does draws closer to you but the noise of negativity and darkness can be overwhelming. I never knew what was happening till I had my breakdown. I slowly started to realize what what happening to me. I was depressed, I was ashamed, I was a women that was incontrol that was out of control. I was afraid, terrified is a better word. I had no one to turn to; at lease I thought I didn’t.
I wanted to start this blog as a record of my journey through depression, the doctor appointments, the medications and a deeper relationship with God, the tension of friendships, the relationships with my kids and husband and how they are effected. Some of what you read is funny, sad, even scary, but all of what you read is true.
I also want to help those who are going through the same thing. When friends are too busy to talk, and the darkness seems to close, I hope that you will come search this out. There are answers to the questions about what depression is about, there is hope, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Please read on you’ll find anxious moments, you’ll find answers to prayer, you’ll hear stories of deep despair, sadness, addictions and failures. And maybe you’ll find hopefully a way to cope and way to hope and a way to find peace.
godlywomengettheblues 