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June 12


Just got home from work.  Its a Tuesday and I biked the 45 minute ride home.  The wind left over for a afternoon thunderstorm  pushing against me all the way home. I made it, there was times I thought – they may have to send a search party for me. Trying to stay fit, well I was really fit running half marathons, working out in the early hours of the morning before work, all gone.  I’m lucky if I can pry my clenched unwilling hands from my pillow let alone drop and do 30 pushups.  But biking is perfict.  Gets my heart going and well to behonest, I have no other way of getting home, so I have to bike.   I was late coming home.  I stopped at the drug store to renew my prescription.  I have had a few struggles over the past little while, but sometimes I believe I am my own worst enemie.  I ran out of one of my pills 4 days ago.  At bed time, I would think – darn it forgot to get them again, the next morning slip my mind.  I know I will pay for this later this week but for now I am angry that I can’t remember the darn perscription.

I went to a meeting on Thursday night and because I missed two meetings I really felt called to do the minutes, we take turns doing it.  But I should never have volenterred.  I could not get my mind to concentrate I was having a really tough time following the meeting and taking the minutes.  I was so upset by the end of the meeting I packed my laptop and took off before anyone could say anything to me.  Unsettled mind, I find this fustrating.

The rest of the weekend was great spent some time with friends, did alot of work in the back yard Sunday and got our back yard back into shape after building a new fence. Work this week has been nuts we are heading up to year end at school but that means commencement and year end and that means alot of work for me.  It was crazy today, but I like busy keeps me from thinking.

Its a tough time a year, trying to hold it together mentally and trying to stay focused.  That is the fustrating part.  Its like having a lot of work to do and your drunk.  Except your not happy.  My chemicals in my mind just don’t make me sad, however that happens, it changes how your think, you can’t multi task and follow through on the work.

but I guess it is what it is…..

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Darkness of Gods Hand


The book of Job, God allows all thatJob loves and holds dear on this earth to be destroyed.  So that God can show the devil that Job is a man of God and will not turn his heart or tongue against God.  Did he grieve, did he feel the pain of losing everything, yes.  Did he turn himself from God. No.  I feel that I would not do so good at not speaking against God. Oswald Chambers talks of being held in the darkness of Gods hand to learn how to listen.   It is in the depths of struggle we learn more about ourselves, I think, than at any other time.

I have been in that struggle lately.  It is a heart/head  struggle.  I have written lately of the pain of the negative voices that haunt me these days.  There is also a struggle of light and dark too.  It’s not just voices fighting against voices.   It is a struggle of pain and confusion.  I am struggling against a deep pain I do not understand.  I feel it deep within but not understanding its source.  This makes me confused and unsure of how or what I am feeling.  I was reading a book written by a christian woman who wrote about the promises of God and clinging to them when you are in that dark place.  I can’t read this book when I am in …. this place.  It’s hard to describe where I am.  It’s not dark nor evil.  I am on a plain neither knowing which way to go.  My left and my right look the same.  I do now know which way will lead me to God or away from God.  I don’t understand this pain in my heart.  I am confused about direction, scripture, understanding.  I do know God will not forsake me.  The longer I stand still on this plain the more I feel anxious.  I should be moving, I have to progress, but I am loss.  I continue to look left, right, slowly turning but not seeing anything– every angle looks the same.

Maybe  this is why I want to run, or turtle.  I should move, I feel to stay here is dangerous.  I feel there is something I should be understanding or get that will move or protect me or lead me, but its like I can’t quite grasp what it is.  A whisper I don’t quite hear or understand.

So today I stand here– feeling the depth of this pain in my heart, and pray that God open my ears to hear and my eyes to see, for I can not rely on my own understanding, or know which way to go.

Maybe that is the point

Till next time ……………………….

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Turtle


Monday— the dreaded start of the week.  I was talking to a close friend of mine about how we wish our weeks away.  I do not want to wish my life away.  I want to savor everyday the Lord has made.  Some days savoring is better than others

Saturday I was fighting off the urge to cry, in the process of this my house is so clean!! That makes me feel better.  But it was a distraction from what was going on in my heart.

Sunday, I turtled.  Stayed home away from people, didn’t go to church, didn’t call my Mother.  My daughter did manage to drag me to the mall for some shopping but we lasted an hour before I insisted we go home.  She was happy enough,  so good.  My husband worked on a fence with our neighbour almost done, he was busy.  It was bad enough every few hours he would come in and want to know how I was, if I was ok.  Nagging– I know it was in love I just wanted to do things and deal with it on my own.     I felt like I was stoned. ( I wasn’t )  I didn’t  feel, I didn’t think, I barely did anything, I just sat in the yard or in the front room and stared off in the distance, read a book off and on all day.

Monday and I feel a little better — still have the sensation that I want to break down and cry or just break down.  I am tired soo tired I can’t seem to shake this feeling.  I go to bed in good time but I can’t seem to sleep.  Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, but I will eventually get it.  I just have to reach a point of exhaustion where I collapse and sleep for hours.

Sometimes I think that a hospital would be great.  Check myself in, hid in a room cuddle my pillow, give instructions that I don’t want to see anyone and just try to sleep.  I could never do that.  My children would be embarrassed and it would stress them and my husband out.  Worry people I don’t want to worry.

Sometimes I feel like I could run away, find a cottage or get my camping trailer and hid in the bush.  I am used to being in the bush I could handle that no problem.

Reality…… all these things are partly devil related.  I allow him to poke me and prod me, to stress me.  I hear the voices that say I am no good, fat, unworthy.  I hear the negativity that wants to block out my joy and happiness.  I have to remember that as overwhelming these voices are – I need to remain in God’s love.  To remain attached to the vein, growing in faith and keeping connected to the living God.

There is the rub………………..some days its hard

The best I can do is try.

till next time………………

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Saturday afternoon


Crazy week lots to do get done, work has been insane.  Its been a good week.  I applied the other week for a new job at my office and I am on the short list to be interviewed.  Good News.  I feel like I accomplished a lot.  I am trying to clean my house and put it in order.  We had to put down one of our kitties last weekend.  It was sad, and I miss her but she was old and I didn’t want her to suffer.  The house feels weird with out here our other kitty seems to have adjusted.  The one left wasn’t the dominate one and now rules the house so she is happy.  She has been wandering the house looking for our old kitty but seems to have settled down this weekend.

I have done ok this week, but I can’t help over the past day or so feel like I want to cry.  That is how I know I need to brace myself.  It always starts that way.  I am functioning fine.  I am tired — so tired, and then the feeling like I could break down and cry starts to settle in.  I’m not sad, I just have this nagging feeling that something else is going on.  Its like I doing my work, looking after the house, kids, and something somewhere had died and I forgot about it for a while and I need to mourn it.   It’s not the kitty.  I have always felt this way when I start to head in a down feeling.  It doesn’t always carry through.  I find when the feeling of crying starts to come over me I pull back from people.  I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to see the pity or perceived pity  people have in their eyes.

I am cutting this short I wanted to express my feelings today as I move from laundry to cleaning my kitchen floor.  Sometimes acknowledgement can nip it in the bud.  I’m not sure about today– but keeping busy and polishing my house distracts me from the lump in my heart.

later………………………….

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Oh cloudy day


Its Friday a day all people with Sat and Sunday look forward to.  Having a really bad day out of the blue.  (sorry for the pun I just realized it from last posts title and this post title)  I feel so out of sorts today.  I am shaky, which is interesting cause I haven’t been a long long time, and feeling anxious, to be honest I have one nerve left and every one wants to stomp on it.  Nothing has changed in the week.  Just another day, just another chemical reaction.   No darkness just sad, mad, (angry) physically hurting, and shaky.  Ugg

Dear Lord.

I know that all you do is good.  All you do is right. All you do is fair.

In this day I am not feeling good right or fair.  It is your strength and your love that I need in my heart.

I am weak but you are strong, so cover me over with your hand and keep me safe.

Lead me in your paths, take my hand.

I feel blind today, stumbling around like a blind, deaf,  lost puppy.

Oh Holy Spirit please take this prayer to God with Groanings from deep with in my heart

Cause there is no love no kindness only anger.

I put this into your hands cause mine hands can not handle this

Amen

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Oh Sunny Day


Another beautiful day,  so warm and sunny, just unheard of in May.  Wearing summer sandles and shorts and  how lovely is that!! The past Victoria Day Weekend  was high 20’s sunshine, and swimming and tanning.  I caught up on my vitamin D.  Its been nice to sit and relax, spend some time with friends.  Fall asleep infront of them around the camp fire!  This endless tiredness is driving me nuts.

The rub of it all.  Here are the problems with health issues and it doesn’t have to be mental illness, depression any health issue.  I can’t sleep,  I need to exercise and exhaust myself so I can sleep better.  In order to exercise I need to have the energy to do it.  In order to have the energy to do it I need to eat right and sleep.  My back has been hurting to the point I am taking muscle  relaxers  for it.  If  I want to make my back feel better I need to do core work.  In order to do core work I need to exercise.  In order to do exercise I have to want to and need energy to do it .    See where I am going with this its like a merry go round.   I realize this is the whine of a suffering person, but when you think of it you can do two things;  laugh cause its murphy’s law, and isn’t that just like life, or let it get you down.   These  days I can laugh mostly.  But when I am in most pain or distress, its darn hard not to be down.

I have been feeling better today I have been a little down today.  I searched out a natural  doctor and have gone on some natural supplements to help balance my hormones, my emotions feel better,  but physically I feel like my body is raw  from  the previous hormone treatment I stopped.   I feel like I have  scrapped my insides from top to bottom.  I am not been sad or in darkness for a while just a little down today, which on some levels a sore body is easier to deal with, easier to hide from others, and even a little more functional.  I may be tired but I can suck it up mostly and make it through.  I my body hurts I can pop some Advil and smile and not have to evoke happy feelings.  Feeling on feelings is hard.  Feelings on a sore body is much easier.

I read today a saying that went ” I will live above my thorn,  not under it”  I thought it clever.  This blog seems to talk about the thorn and how I am trying to live through it, tucking my skirt in tight to my knees and trying to wade through water over my head,  not over the thorn.   But that is the purpose of the blog.  Not to whine, but to talk about what happens on the inside of the mind as you cope,  and try to come to a balance of a storm like Depression and mental illness.  Even though I have been suffering for more that a year or two I can swallow the word depression but to see mental illness in print is still hard to take.

I have to say one thing about this storm.  I don’t understand it, or why I have developed it, or if it will ever go away.  But I learned so much about me.  Not just what I can handle or not handle.  But it has solidify some truths with in me. Truths about God that he is the one and only God and Jesus is his son sent to save me from me and my weak flesh.  And the Holy Spirit is my councillor and leads me shows me things of God.  And best of all this storm has made me not afraid to admit it loud and proud.  That is a solid with in me when so many other things are not.

till next time………………………….

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Trying to Sing in the Dark


Lord are you there, Sometimes I can’t sence Your Presence.  This is the hard thing. The crushing darkness, the true test of faith. David spoke long about not feeling God‘s presence.  Many a Psalm starts out with a plea to God not to leave him. But many a Psalm also starts with a rejoice to the Lord.

This blasted thing, this depression has taken me to the depths I could not ever imagine and a darkness I never knew existed.  It has also shown me Love and Kindness from others and I have been; when I am having good days, to show gentleness to others I have never been able.  It is all opposites.  Last evening I didn’t want to be around people but my heart cried out in darkness and loneliness.  Today I don’t want to be around people – I took a sick day,  but I can’t wait to have my husband come home from work.  It has separated me from God yet brought me closer. I have been frightened out of my wits, and I have seen the end of life, or thought of the end of life, and yet given me so much more to live for.  Paths I have never considered, thoughts I have never thought, pain I never knew, and shame I have never known before, weakness I never knew could ever exist, weakness I never considered myself to possess and strength I never knew I could tapped into.

The thing I have to remember is that in the darkest of dark, in the loneliness of lonely, in the depths of my heart hurting that I need to ignore the feelings no mater how strong and crushing they are, I chose to trust in God.  Sometimes I utter it weakly, unbelievingly. Sometimes I say it in a loud bold voice.  sometimes I say it in fear.  But I say it and that is the point, I chose to trust in God

At times God puts us through the discipline of darkness to teach us to heed Him.  Song birds are taugh to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God’s hand untill we learn to hear Him…. Watch where God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? Then remain quiet….When you are in the dark, listen,and God will give you a very precious message to give to someone else when you get into the light………………Oswald Chambers

till next time…………………

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Match box 20 ; Unwell


I hate this song………………………….sometimes lyrics are too close to reality

All day Staring at the ceiling Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night Hearing voices telling me That I should get some sleep Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on I’m feeling like I’m headed for a Breakdown I don’t know why

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell I know, right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired I know, right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me And how I used to be Me

Talking to myself in public Dodging glances on the train

I know I know they’ve all been talking ’bout me I can hear them whisper And it makes me think there must be something wrong

With me Out of all the hours thinking Somehow I’ve lost my mind

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell I know, right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me And how I used to be

I been talking in my sleep Pretty soon they’ll come to get me

Yeah, they’re taking me away

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell I know, right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see A different side of me

I’m not crazy I’m just a little impaired I know, right now you don’t car

e But soon enough you’re gonna think of me And how I used to be Hey, how I used to be

How I used to be, yeah

Well I’m just a little unwell How I used to be How I used to be

by

Oh Heart


Oh tired heart, why do you cry, don’t you know of love.

Heart of mine, you feel you will die, it is the dark of dust that makes it cry.

The dust makes the heart not see. The darkness makes the heart not feel.

Stuck in paralyzing shock.  Coated in its rotting grape soaked lot.

The light will cure the sickly heart. If only it will start.

To feel the warmth of heat from the son of the Love.

Dust and dark  clouds kills the  warm heat, and covers the mind of the heart.

Restless in a desperate search of sleep, only to lay awake in a heap.

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Today is the Day


Today is the day the Lord has made I shall rejoice and be glad in it

My heart is brused and battered right now, but today is the day.

My Soul crys out in pain again, but today is the day.

I see the crushed in spirit die around me, but today is the day.

I feel the crys of the land as the blood sinks in, but today is the day.

The cloud of darkness draws near, but today is the day.

I prostate to pray, and today is the day.

The sun rises in its warning blaze of red glory, but today is the day.

And it sets with no fan fair, no light, story,  but today is the day.

The prince of darkness tries to mess with us here, but today is the day.

I am afraid and scared my heart shrinks away, but today is the day.

Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and come sit at the feet of God.

Today is the day the Lord has made, out of Love and Grace.

So I hide in the love that the Lord has made upon this day.

In the light of things I do know or understand, but know as truth.

For this is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be Glad in it.