Author Archives

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The Butt of the joke


May – and the days fly by.

The days are rainy but warm.  Especially in the evenings.   I don’t mind.  I actually sleep better if I am listening to the rain as I drift off.    Sleep has been weird lately.  I don’t seem to really have a solid sleep.  Unless I drink way to much but that isn’t real sleep either.  Lately, however, I wake up often and then drift off into dreams.  The dreams seem real.  I dream about work, friends, home life.  I dream about all kinds of things and then when I am at work or else where I sometimes become confused because I am not sure if what I am remembering is part of a dream or part of reality. 

I am feeling a little paranoid these days, unsure of myself.  I write everything down to try to keep things straight, to the point of making my journal more of a record of my day, rather than a comment on life or conversations with God.  I can’t say I feel depressed but I do feel like I want to cry sometimes.  The feeling arrives but never carries through.  I am constantly hugging either my children or my husband.  It was a good thing it was my anniversary other wise my hubby  would have wondered what was up.  

I was off to the doctor this week, and got a mild “oh well the hormone patch didn’t seem to do anything, here is a 5 month supply your other meds, see you then.”   What else can she do?  The patch did nothing but add on 15lbs and cause me to go shopping for bigger fat pants (for you men out there all women have fat pants). So I muster up the energy to workout, and try not to drink a lot, to get my butt under control.  Working out doing ok, not drinking not so good.  Or really good depending how you look at things. The LCBO is doing a booming business.

I can say that I have been leaning on God more.  I have been wanting to hide more.  I want to stay home and hide with my computer a glass of wine and my big fuzzy slippers.  I made myself spend most of Sunday outside getting some gardening done.  That accomplished a lot of good stuff so I am happy about how the gardens look.  I have been gardening at the church too so I can keep myself busy and away from my pillow.  I keep fighting I am not wore out but tired.  I am taking a mental health day on Friday.  Just to have the house to myself would be nice. 

God on the other hand has been close at hand and I can feel him.  He has been revealing secrets to me as I have been preparing to lead the bible study I am attending.  I am looking through foggy glasses but he is showing me stuff.

So I continue on another week plugging along. till next time……………………

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Plastering a Cracking wall, trying to hold it together


Another weekend gone.  I have no idea where the time goes.  Whew, they keep flying by I have two months of work left and then I am done for the summer.   A busy weekend.  I managed to go out with some friends on the weekend and enjoy some social time.  It was nice.  I really wanted to hibernate at home, but sometimes you just have to get out there and be among people.  In the end it was good for me, like exercise you don’t want to, but it is good for you.  I am off my hormone drug for the next three weeks.  I have been on them for about 9 weeks now and the only thing it did for me was increase the size of my butt.  So now I have gone from 10 lbs underweight to 20 over weight, dam there is no happy medium in this thing.

I know I have said this before, and maybe this is the OCD in me talking but I am a go getter I do a lot for, and with my kids and husband and I can’t seem to get my act together.  An example, my husband says a week ago ” you know we should change the bed sheets.”  “Ok I will do that tonight.”  He says “fine” he is working late that night no worries, I can do this nothing else going on that night.  I make lunches, supper, clean up, and some how the rest of the evening passes I totally forget.  Two days go by “oh dear, honey I forgot the sheets Ill to it when I finish making lunches” .  He is cleaning up supper and doing dishes.  Two more days go by, I’m heading to bed, Sh** still forgot to do the sheets, already in bed – not getting up now. Tomorrow.  Saturday I get up have coffee doing them right now, hubby and I take off sheets he takes them to the laundry tosses them in.  I get another set of sheets.  Start to make bed. Go down stairs part way through to do get something,  get distracted.  This happens all day Sat, I finally get it made when I headed to bed that night.  Sounds like real life right, however I left 1/2 done jobs all over the house that day cause I couldn’t follow through on what I was doing. 

 I would head up stairs to get something I needed to finish something down stairs realize bed not made, start on it and try to get it done.  Then after a few minutes realize Oh I was getting this thing for down stairs grab it go down stairs, stop in kitchen for a drink of water forget where I am going clean off the counter.  Remember to go down stairs, go there remember what I am doing, forgot the thing I needed up stairs.  Go back to bedroom, crap not here, stuff a pillow in case, Oh ya in kitchen go to kitchen find it Oh ya doing stuff down stairs.  Ugggg.  That is how the day was.  I’m thinking this is nuts what the heck is wrong with my brain that I can’t follow through.  Then I get mad and then I get depressed cause my head is wack.  Vicious circle.

When my kids were babies, they would nap for an hour or two during the day.  I could move mountains in that time.  I was always proud of the things I could do in an hour.  Now my mind is mud. Thank God for the calendar on my blackberry cause I would forget everything.  All my work stuff, all my family stuff, everything is in there if I lost it,  I think I would jump off a bridge.  (not really– but it would be close) 

So here I sit on a Monday morning wondering.  Wondering about so many things where do I start. 

Is this what getting older is about! I still have at least 20 years working years I’m not that old!

Is this apart of depression a robbing of your capabilities?

Is this what happens to your mind with this illness, is it normal?

Is this the drugs?

Is my mind ever going to go back to what it once was?

Is this God’s punishment?

Is this allowed to happen to me from God to teach me humility?  Because this has been a drastic lesson but I learned it!

Is this happening to me because of my pride and lack of tenderness towards others?

Is this me just whining and I should be thankful and shut up and get on with it?

Is the depth of my heart-break and suffering ever going to end or be fixed?

This is a life changing illness, like any illness, but will I ever be able to trust my mind.  Does the cancer victim ever trust its body again?

On the flip side.  My relationship with and my trust in God, my relationship with my husband and kids, my relationship  my best friends have reached to a much deeper level than I could every imagine. So good does come out of bad

But here is a question:  If God had given me the chance to refuse this illness two years ago when this all started, knowing what I know now, would I have?………………………………………..till next time

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Back against a Crumbling wall


April 24  —  where oh where did the month of April go, oh where or where can it be!  I have no idea where this month went– I know it passed by and I was there watching it go but I don’t know how it passed so fast.  May around the corner and soon to come my anniversary.  May 4 will be 21 years of wedded bliss to a wonderful man.  The 21 years have not been problem free – along with a beautiful rose you do get thorns, but the blessing in a marriage is the ability to break off the thorns and heal the wounds together.  My Hubby has been very supportive and I am blessed for him, he says he is blessed to have me. 

I am not sure what is happening lately.  I have been feeling kinda weird.  Not up and down, just a consistent low.  I can’t say I am depressed but I can’t say I am up.  I have been under a lot of stress lately and there seems to me a great need for people to be supported here at work and they all seem to gravitate to me.   They need someone to talk to, or help them sort stuff.   I try my best to help them.  So what do I do I apply for a new position ( a lot more responsibility) at another school and wonder what the heck am I doing.  This new position is something I have done in the past but it would be a steep learning curve at a new school and lately I feel  I am barely getting by.  

I always seem to be putting out a fire somewhere, here at work, at home with one of the kids.  I guess I am feeling overwhelmed.  I think some of this has to do with the drugs and my mind.  I can’t seem to multi task like before.  I can only do one thing at a time or my concentration is zapped.  I guess what I am really worried about is that I am losing my mind and it is rebelling against me and how I normally operate.  I have always been able to handle lots of balls in the air, never exhausted me or bothered me and today I can’t do anything.  Even making supper and talking at the same time, I forget what I am doing what I am going for, or what we were talking about.  I drive with my son everyday to work and we talk on the way and he is always saying how he hates it when I leave him hanging in the middle of a sentence when I turn my complete attention to driving.  I have no fear of driving but some days it takes a lot of concentration for me, which makes me angry cause I love to turn up the tunes and drive.   I know that I have not been helping myself.  I have been drinking too much wine, but I have been eating better and trying to exercise when I have the time.  I have been doing more yoga to help me relax.  I know the wine is knee jerk reaction to being anxious– and it taste so good too. I will try to deal with that later in the mean time I am working on sleeping, food and exercise.

I well be back to the doctor again soon and I need to know it this is a side effect of the drugs or what is it.   So if I repeat what I said in the last blog it’s because I really can’t remember what I wrote last time.  And sitting here right now – I know it was about teaching the phyed class, but without going back to look I can’t remember if I talked about this last time.

So for today, it is frustration, and fear that my mind it so jumbled it won’t straighten back out.  I know this is a moment in time and I have no idea what the future will bring and God tells us why worry about tomorrow.  I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I am trying to sort out if it is my weight or anothers weight.    So I sit here today trying to remind myself that God is in control, especially when I am out of control, and that his yoke is easy.

Dear Lord help me this day to avoid the things that are not of you.  Help me to fight against dependency on the things that hurt me and create a desire in me to do the things that help me.  I put this all into your hands my God my Father and Saviour.  Amen…………………………

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Hanging on a limb


I put myself on a limb this week.  I was asked to speak to the Grade 12 girls phyed class at the school I work for, about depression and suicide.  I prepared my lesson, made my notes on the myths of depression and the realities of the illness.  Talked about the stigma of it, dealing with the doctors and medication and how your mind tricks and misleads you.   I was all prepared to talk about it in 3rd person.  I did not want to admit that I suffered from this.  I didn’t want to acknowledge that there are times; like this week, I feel sad, and uncontrollable, and prone to substance abuse— in this case red wine abuse.  The thought of how do I do this and admit my issues and receive their respect, or take me seriously crossed my mind.

As I started the class I went over myths and facts of depression and mental illness.  As we discussed this I looked at them and realized that if I did not admit this instead of bluffed my way through as a friend of a depressed person they would soon see through it and disregard anything I had to say.  I came clean and admitted what I had been through they hung on every word and had a great class.  I even got some good feed back from the students and they took what I had to say to heart and at one point was asked if my faith was damaged by my illness, and as I explained that I was confused about my faith in the beginning cause I didn’t know if it was a crisis of faith or depression I got the chance to tell the girls what I believe in and why my Lord is important to me.

In the end it was a good experience, I can’t tell you how exposed I felt doing it, and even now as we pass each other in the halls I still feel exposed but they smile and wave, but I didn’t want to bull sh**  the girls I wanted them to get something out of the experience and they did, so win win.

How am I today- well I am pleased that I got to express my faith to the class,  I am happy with what they want to do with their knowledge and how they are watching out for their friends and family.  I am still feeling a little shaky the end of this week but some self discipline and sleep will probably help.  Maybe some exercise too…………………….till next time.

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hanging on the edge


Sunday night.  Its been a very crazy week.  As I have said before I work at a high school, one of our students was hit by a train and killed this week.  I knew the student fairly well. It was a weird accident and a senseless death.  That happened Tuesday night.  Wednesday morning I talked to every news agency wanting me to comment off the record what happened and they were relentless.  My Mom loved my writings when I was growing up and hoped I would be in journalism.  After this past experience and the news I see on TV I am so glad I am not.  It has become a reporting of the sensationalism.  There is no “writing” just a promotion  and exploration of people when they are having their worst day of their lives.  I sitting at the front desk of a school get to see lots of stuff.  This in not a gentle job. I am the lowest paid person in the office but I dealt with the most difficult situations this week.   The investigation officer was at my desk the day after and told me all the details of the event.  The student who shared her locker with the student brought me all her stuff the day after her death, from the locker.  Including her wallet and personal items and books.  The younger sister of the victim, came to inform me of the funeral arrangements.  I greeted the director of the School District of Education in our City as he came to give staff, condolences.  I spoke to the Minister of Education who wanted to give his condolences to the Principal of our school.  I spoke to neighbours that want the school to lobby for fences to be built.  To alumni who want to build a walkway over the train tracks to make public safety better. Parents of other students who just wanted the inside scoop on what was what and who was involved, and all the gory details.  Wednesday night I came home and had a nap I was so exhausted.

The worst of it all was having all these teenagers walking around hopeless and I know a secret that they need to hear.  How Jesus the son of God died for them.  That this girl was escorted through the valley of the shadow of death because Jesus opened the road for us to cross in safety.  There is hope and love and I never got to tell her and I could not, do to school policies,  tell the others of the hope that comes through God.  So I prayed that God would knock on their hearts and they might open the door.

But beyond all this surreal week, today I have been feeling really down.  I feel like my ledge broke away and I am hanging on by my fingers.  I have been good for a while now.  Maybe its lack of sleep – I did nap today for an hour or so.   It’s not anything bad or evil, I just feel totally numb.  Unable to think.  I prayed in church today but could not get myself to feel anything.  My relationship with God is not a touchy feely thing.  It a solid relationship.  But I felt stoned  (which I am not) just numb to feel anything or think anything.  Just part of the depression package.

I am hoping that I can get it together before Tuesday.  I have been asked by the Phys Ed. teacher to talk to her grade 12 girls about depression.  I am teaching a class.  !!!! Never ever thought I would be doing it.  But here we go.  I have created a lesson plan, handouts, and topic of discussion.  It should be a good class and an interesting  day.  Will tell you how it goes.

But for tonight I am tired, despite the nap, I am sad, I don’t know why, I am afraid of not getting out of this mood, I am angry, for feeling so good for a while and dipping again, I am numb, I do not know what to think or what to do.  So tonight I pour my broken heart out to you and a friend.   I was texting to my best friend from school.  And what a friend she is, she would drop everything to come and help me and I would do the same for her.  She  is an amazing friend and I am not going to tell you how long we have been friends cause that number might make me feel more depressed cause that means I am getting older 😦   .    I was telling her about my week and when we had finished talking, I realized that God had blessed me so much in my life.  Husband,  friends from home, friends here in the city.  I am a blessed lady with a great family and friends.  How can I still feel depressed with all this support.

Oh Lord help me out of the hole…………..till next time…………………….

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Ledge Sitting


Still sitting on my ledge with my back against the wall.  No dangling feet, no acts of bravery looking over the edge, no sight-seeing from my vantage point.  I am afraid to take my back off the wall.  The wind is blowing in gusts, sometimes it takes a lull and I sigh and take a breath.  Other times it gusts and I push my back against the uneven rock wishing it was a cave or cleft that I could hide in or grab onto.    I am weary,  tried to the bone.  I feel unstable on my ledge but I feel if I relax I will fall off.  The fight to stay upright and hold on wears one out.  I try to sleep a lot.  It’s not normal to drag yourself out of bed and shower and think,  not about the day ahead and the accomplishments, events of the day.  I am thinking if I eat my lunch fast I can have a nap in the staff room at work.  I am thinking if I try hard I can get all I need to do when I get home so I can go to bed early.  The thought of exercise — well forget it I try to walk and run but I don’t.  Im good for a week or so then Im not.

I am not panicking I am not having anxiety attacks, I get anxious sometimes.  I have been better that way, I am just having an issue with the physical aspects of this.  Body hurts, sleeping or not sleeping, tired.   Sometimes I get a burst of energy and I go like crazy cause if I don’t I will never get things done.  I am not doing everything on my own.  My family has really picked up in helping, which is nice.

In my research of depression and physical pain, I have discovered a  lot of studies done on it.  Treatment options on the other hand are not so straight forward.  Doctors and the medical society acknowledge that there are links between physical pain and depression.  Which is nice to know but the bottom line….. back to the doctor for another discussion about all of this and what is the next step.  And of course you know that means more drugs!  Well that is a guess, if anything it means blood work. Maybe it is low iron or thyroid.

On the other side of things.  Emotional side.  I have anxiety, but not panic attacks, or anxiety “attacks “.  I have noticed that it is a little  smoother.  I get confused sometimes. and it takes me sometime to sort things, I blame that on having teenagers.  In reality I worry my mind is slipping which is how it feels.

As for my God, I am ok.  God is not my confusion.  God is my Lord, Jesus my Saviour, Holy Spirit my Councillor.  I am heading back to bible study as it starts up again.  There are other things I should be doing and working on but I am afraid that I don’t have the energy for it.  So I will do what I can till the next apt., sleep when I can and try not to rely on coffee to keep me awake.

Till next time………z z z z z z z z z z z z

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Easter Monday


Its Easter Monday and I have had a great weekend.  I spent Friday with my Mom, Saturday with my husbands Mom, and Sunday with my best friend and her family.  We are so close her kids are like my kids and my kids like hers.  It was great to have both families together around the dinner table.  All our kids are teens so that was a feet in itself.  We talked and talked and laughed and ate; it was the perfect way to spend Easter Sunday, I can’t think of a better way to spend it. I love this family.

Today, I feel tired.  My son was nice to share his cold, yuck.  I have been feeling a little off today too.  Not depressed, maybe a little sad.  Definitely lazy.  It’s not a wow I had a busy weekend tired, just an ongoing tired.  It takes so much effort to do anything.  And I am tired of it– ya at attempt at humour but bad I know.   It takes a lot of effort to do anything.  some days are better than others but to work out, clean the kitchen, laundry, getting dressed in the morning even stay awake during my lunch hour at work, I had no idea that this was such a part of depression.  I have projects I need to complete here.  I have a half-finished dining room table that needs its finish sanding and a stain.  It has been half done for two years now.  I look at the project and see a huge mountain I can’t finish.  It isn’t I have done larger projects this is nothing really.  I used to be a force to be reckoned with.  Big multi tasker and able to move mountains, I am not moving too much these days. Being tired and my mind works at a different speed now.  I am not able to keep things straight in my head, organized.  I have to write everything down, I can’t keep things together.

One other thing that is physical.  My back.  I have lost my strength in my lower back.  I have always had a extremely strong core.  It is totally gone.  someday it hurts to a point that I think that there must be something seriously wrong with it.  I have never felt this way.  I have never lost strength.  It’s not a lesser strength feeling.  It is a no strength at all feeling.  Some times it is a sharp to the point I have to sit or lay down.

The other thing that I have been feeling is a lack of emotion.  I get excited about things.  I was excited on Sunday to spend Easter Sunday at church and to spend the day with our friends.  I was really excited about that.  But there is this little wall around me.  Just a barrier that seems to separate me from other things.  I can’t describe it I can’t name it.  It’s just a thing that is there.

I don’t want this to be a complaining post.  I am just stating that there are some physical and mental obstacles that are never discussed much.  As for the darkness and negative voices, I have not felt them, and that has been a blessing.

It has been a year this month that I have been writing this blog.  I have gone from ever crowding darkness, loneliness, agony, and pain.  Confusion and paranoia, anger and depths of depression and dark holes I would never wish on anyone.

The meds seem to have brought me to a better place.  I am not done messing with the drugs.  I will not for a while.  I am experimenting with this hormone drug.  Its been almost 12 weeks that I have been on it.  It has made a difference.  I will reassess in three weeks with my doctor to see where I am.

The one thing that has not changed, but has drawn me closer is God‘s Love.   God has taken this time in my life to show me that he is God and he Loves me and always has my back.  In prayer he has taken the darkness away from me.  He has given me options with my Doctor and give me very supportive group of friends and family. Praise be to God and Amen for all he has given to me.

So as I end this post I am still adjusting to this illness, I am starting to get control at least I think that I have some control.  But most of all I am here another day and I will continue to fight, the best I can.  Till next time……………..

by

Wind has picked up!


The weekend has come and gone, another run around weekend taking my son to open house at his college for next year, running my daughter to field hockey tournament.  My house is a disaster, but that is the price of having kids and a life.  That is what I keep telling myself.  If I had no life my house would be clean and tidy all the time, but I have a life and that is why it looks like hurricane Hazel has gone through.  The only thing if a hurricane went through why do I still have tumble weeds from the cats losing their winter fur, they should have blown through.  If it were so easy.

 I have been struggling a bit this week.  I can ‘t say I have dipped or fell,  I am still sitting on my ledge however the wind has picked up and don’t feel safe sitting out there kicking my feet.  I have my back against the wall hoping the wind dies down.  I haven’t been sleeping again,  I slept so well a few weeks ago, I miss my old friend- sleep.  Sleep is such a temperamental thing.  You think about it all day “I’m tired”  “oh my pillow is going to feel so good when I get home.”  You look forward to it all day the then you lay there blinking at the ceiling thinking –Seriously!  Then the pillow finally gets really soft 20 minutes before the alarm goes off.  Uggg!  I am taking a mental health day this week.  I have a day when the students don’t have school so I am calling in to take a day to sleep and get myself together, and clean the house.  Woe to the child or husband who messes it up!

I was talking to a friend who also suffers from depression, we were discussing the ins and outs of what this disease entails.  First off the Doctor appointments.  The never ending follow ups.  Did this work? Add this med, take away that med.  The running to the pharmacy for prescriptions to be filled.  Remembering to preorder so you don’t stand around Shoppers for half an hour.  The putting yourself together.  Some days it easy to get up and get dressed and go out the door confidently.  Some days it takes all my strength to crawl in the shower.   The days your brain is confused the time it takes to sit and sort out the thoughts.  The lies from the truths, the emotion from the issues.   The days you feel like running away or hiding.  The days you really don’t want to deal with people, cooking supper, shopping, life.  All these things takes effort, organization, being on top of it.   The process is almost depressing!  I know bad joke but it is.  

The emotional side of things;  you feel out of sorts, you feel like a freak, you feel like you are less of a women, you feel like you have lost your mind.   You feel like you have a disability.  You feel that people don’t take you seriously.  “Oh she just has to brighten up lighten up”  I have learned over time not to care what people think.  I don’t tell certain people not because I am ashamed, but because they are unable to understand or empathize, or basically have a clue.  I don’t have the time to worry about them,  I am too busy keeping it together. 

On a positive note, my eating habits have gotten better.  I am eating healthier.  I have been making an effort to exercise often.  I try for 5 days a week, with a variety of options.  I have gotten back to running and biking.  I will soon try biking home from work again like I did last year, which is a good work out.   So things are getting there.   I just have to keep on top of me and schedule the workouts so I don’t get lazy and give up.  To give up is so easy.

What about God in all of this??? I read  a line this week that went :  “The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.”  God has my back always.  Sometimes I need to remember to lean on Him and not my own understanding, strength, and will.                   Amen.

till next time………………………………………..

by

Sitting on the ledge swinging my feet


March break is over and its Monday uck! Oh to be retired, I am nowhere near that age, I have lots of years of work yet, but I imagine what it would be like, Hmmmmmmm, nice.  It’s hard to come back to work when the weather is so warm and sunny.  It’s freaky that the weather is so hot when it is still winter.  I went to work with a sweater instead of a winter coat which would be normal.  I have been feeling ok the past week or so a moment of pulling back  moment of sadness, but it doesn’t last long and I am glad for that.  I am still having concentration issues.  I am not the multi tasker I used to be but that is a side effect of depression and its medication so it will one day disapate – I hope.  So I guess I am still sitting on my ledge,  with my feet over the side swinging in the breeze and I am listening to the birds of spring and seeing the flowers of rebirth all around me.  I went to church this Sunday and it was a great service.  I felt no attacks, no distraction, no problems.  I got to worship and enjoy the service, it gave me great peace.

I’m cured!  No, I know I am not.  I still have a strong desire to pull away and close off.  I still have a great desire to be alone and go away for a weekend somewhere by myself.  I fight those desires,  I try to take some time for me to enjoy some quiet time.  I run and that is good for an hour, I meditate and do yoga so that gets me some time too.  I need that time to sort my brain.  That seems to be the norm right now, that I need time to get my mind in order to do things.  Its small steps at a time.  I have found that my aggravation threshold is low, not a good thing for work, but I am getting by.

Positives.  Positives. Positives.  I am alive.  I walk everyday and pray, and see Gods creation in the birds that are singing their spring songs, seeing the earth give forth its colours and rebirth of nature.  I am here! I am not in the darkness, or despair of my life hanging in the balance.  I am working out.  I have managed for 4 weeks to work out on a regular basis, finally.  I have been enjoying most of it too.  I am eating, and eating right.   No junk food, cutting out caffeine, no drinking unless with a good meal on the weekends only.  I have been reading my bible more, and I have been attending church and enjoying the service.  It is nice to feel almost normal, or as close to normal as I have been for a while. So I guess you can say I am hanging my feet over the edge of the ledge kicking my feet in the breeze like a little girl would sit on a swing in the park.  Looking up to heaven and soaking in the sun, the warmth of God‘s Love and the promise of spring in the earth. Praise be to God.

Till Next time……………….

by

Puppy Love


Its been a week or so since I last wrote.  It’s March break so I am having a break, the school closes so I don’t have to work.  My husband took a couple of days off -today is his first back to work.  I am on my own today-well I do have our two teens home.  Not that I have seen much of them over the past few days.  Our girl has friends she has been hanging out with and our boy has been working or hanging out with friends so its been me and my husband.  I am grieving the thought of our kids moving out and spreading their wings, I love them and we have a lot of fun together.  Even though they are spreading their wings, they still need us and we need to tune in our listening skills and read between the lines more so see how they are feeling, what they are doing.  On the other hand, then it will be just me and my husband, sometimes that can be a stressful thing in a marriage.  If the past 4 days is what it’s going to be like when the kids are gone.  It will be ok.  I am very lucky to have a wonderful, supportive, loving man, and after 23 years of being together we still act like teens with puppy love.

Its been 3 weeks on the new hormone drug.  I am still suffering from the side effects of it.  It comes and goes.  I have been really tired.  I have slept in the past week more than I think I slept in the whole month of January, complete with 1 hour or so naps. On the good side of it I sleep, for the past 7 months sleep is an illusive thing, like holding water in your hands it usually slips right through my fingers but lately I have been sleeping. I have also been working out more.  When I finish this I am going for a run today- its sunny and 17 celsius out there today – for March break in Ontario Canada– that is unusual, but I am not complaining! Even though it is still technically winter still, spring has sprung and it is supposed to be 20 on Saturday!   I have not been down, I have had moments in the past month where I have needed time alone to sort the mind and the things it is saying.  I have had moments of anxiety but not long-lasting.  The usual things are just moments, and don’t last very long. There are things I still can’t do, my husband still has all the money, and looks after other things too.

I seem to be in a reprieve for a bit.  I feel a bit more stable this week than I have in the past.  The past months I have been sliding down the mountain, but I found a ledge and I am still sitting on it.  I am trying to enjoy the view from here instead of looking over the edge and being terrified.  God has been creating beautiful sunrises for me and showing me his promises in the sky. God has been showing me love, and putting people around me that are full of love.  I have felt him drawing very close to me.  I have felt His strength and comfort.  I still have voices trying to break it down, but I have found if I sit real still and quiet and allow God to whisper I can overcome the voices.  Its been a moment of peace, and as much as I am enjoying it, I can’t help but wonder when the next fall will be (negative voices) I am trying to stay in the moment and maybe that is the trick.  Hold on to the moment as long as it lasts enjoy the sunrises and keep in prayer for the best.

Till next time………