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back from the bush!


A week a way from the city in the bush lands of Arrowhead Provincial Park. It was nice to spend time away from the house the house work ( it is there; big  time now being back and having camping laundry and cleaning to do).  I was a little jittery and I had a few nights that I didn’t sleep.  Those were the bad things, but I coped.   I spent some time alone.  I spent some time with one of my close friends and told her about my condition. She seem to take it ok.  She doesn’t understand it all but she listened.  I spent some quality time with my former Pastor and made some connections that I couldn`t make in my mind which I’ll talk about later.  I also learned some basic life lessons. 

First the life lessons.  When jogging through the bush, on the hiking and cycling trail, do not look up at the large wood pecker in the tree.  Tree roots on the path will trip you and I did a fantastic fall and roll.  When all stopped I was on my back thinking “what the? how did I get here!”  looking at the bird looking at the silly human on the ground No cuts just dirt.  Second life lesson.  Don`t jog with your mouth open, you will catch flys!  Don`t ask how I know!  And what ever I coughed up had better only have been a deer fly–uck.

The connections.  Have you ever been sick and forgot how to take care of yourself?  You get a sore throat, cough, or flu.  You forget to take vitamin C you forget the Advil, or what ever cold/flu remedy you use.  And someone comes along and says why not take what you usually take when your sick—- and you say oh I forgot.  Then smack yourself in the head like that will make things sink in better. When I am heading in a down period.  The devil ( and I am going to call it what it is) will confuse me.  I feel I have a strong faith. I feel God is close to me. I feel a need to be close to him, and I fully give my heart and soul to the creator of the earth and me. That is my statement of faith.  But when I start to fall, he confuses me, he wants me to doubt what I believe and he wants me to lose faith in all that is precious to me.  The faith I have, my marriage, my abilities to be a mother, a lover, a cook, a functioning working women.   I forget the devil likes to confuse me.  I forget how to fight back. I forget how to see the dark from the view of the light, I forget that I can talk myself out of the panic, and anxiety.  I forget that I have good meds to help, and I forget who I am sometimes.  And sometimes I don’t want to remember any of these things cause at that moment you can say I have a mental flu and can’t function.   It all seems too hard and in the darkness I can hide. But in the darkness is the lies and the pain and there is no peace.  So I get up, I must fight back, I must keep my eyes on the light, I must talk myself out of the panic, and take my meds, call my friends,  and pray, and most of all remember I am a functioning, loving person in a dark place that will not swallow me up, because God loves me and you.  There is a line from scripture that says

John 16:33

New International Version (NIV)  Jesus speaking.

   33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

The world is owned in by the prince of darkness, but Jesus overcome him through his suffering and death and resurrection. We can rely on him when we are confused. God has our back.

Does that keep me out of dark holes.  No — God (pardon the country reference) didn’t promise you a rose garden. We struggle cause this world is not perfect. This world is fallen. We will struggle and fall and get up and fall again, and we will get weary but BUT we are loved and we will persevere, and we will fight the good fight. And on the days when we can’t fight pray and God will fight for you.

That sounds like pretty high and mighty words.  But they are God’s words and they are reality.

I will have days I forget with my mental flu; so to speak. I will need my husband to go with me look after me, the darkness will crowd in, but the light will always shine and this is not how God wants me to live my life.  Hiding in the darkness afraid to go forth and conquer.  Maybe not mountains some days, but bit by bit it will happen. Do what you can, all you have to do is your bit.

I am a mixture of positive and negative.  I do believe what I write I also believe that I am far from out of the woods.  I was to the doctors today for my follow up visit.  She feels I am not out of the woods either and has upped my medication for the third time.  She also wants me to be taking my emergency meds more often and not just when I have gone around the bend.  I find this discouraging.  I thought I was doing better but I was slipping today.  I don’t want the meds but I have to.    It is apart of the fighting.  It tires one out. I will take my new dose of meds and see what happens.  I will have a follow up visit with my doctor at the end of September and I will see where I stand then.  If you are in this fight.  Hang on. The fight isn’t easy and it can rip at everything you hold dear.  It has for me but God has put somethings together for me. I hope soon I can have it all together.  I have much more to say about thorns in one’s sides. I hope you’ll come back

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July Week Two


Feeling a bit better today.  Back at work after a quiet weekend.  Managed to get a lot of work done around the house and in the yard.  I spent most of Sunday gathering all our camping stuff for our yearly week-long camping trip.  I look forward to it every year.  I spent a lot of time sitting with my husband this weekend , around campfires in our back yard discussing; of all things, my illness– again.  I am so lucky to have an understanding supportive husband, who loves me to death. He is my rock, my friend, my love.  We put into place some fail safes for me.  That sounds weird, but if you suffer from depression you need to set up some rules and guidelines.  Depression is a mix up of chemicals in my brain.  So to put it into common terms, sometimes I don’t think straight and get emotional and confused and need to have rules to rely on to help me.  For instance, I have had a number of panic attacks in stores. or when I am on my own, I seem to get overwhelmed when by myself in public.  I don’t shop by myself,  kids or husband or friends are always with me.  If I am panicking at work. I call my husband he talks me down.  If I am taking my “incase of emergency drugs” (anti anxiety pills) I have to let my husband know, to monitor me, as they are super strong and addictive.  I feel like a little kid under supervision but the alternative ???!!!.  Having a freak out in a store by myself is worse than being chaperoned .  Having my bosses find out I am having an anxiety attack at work, is worse than making  an emergency phone call from the bathroom to my husband.  I will be done work soon for the next 4 and half weeks for summer and I am nervous about having time on my hands.  I have volunteered to assist my church as a secretary if there is holiday coverage needed.  I am planning to paint the house, and then I will start my summer cleaning, rearranging furniture, cleaning out closets.  The bottom line. This is effecting all aspects of my life even though I am trying not to.  I feel like I am living in someone elses body, like some weird movie but the body just doesn’t fit right.   Somedays  I feel like checking into a hospital and staring at the walls for weeks on end,  I am worn out.  Sometimes I almost feel like me – (but never really back to it).  We shall see what vacation does for me.  A chance to run more, maybe sleep more, more time with family.  On the good side of the vacation I will be vacationing with some good friends and one of them a pastor. He married us and baptized our kids.  I am looking forward to catching up with them and I have some things I need to discuss with him.  In my pondering, and readings, I have come to some cross roads in my thinking, in my faith.  I am having problem reconciling a couple of bible concepts with how some writers have interpreted them.  Maybe while away my friend can help me settle it.  So I leave you this week with more questions and statements than directions.  But remember God is faithful the sun always rises and the moon is always there at night.  I hope if you are suffering you continue to read, I hope you continue to trust God, or try to,  I hope you find some peace, rest, and comfort.   Bless you on your journey.

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One Day in July


Feeling down today. Feeling like what is the use, friends must be feeling like not again!  I am suffering in silence.  I contacted EAP got a busy signal, (can you believe it!)  When one does get through they can make an apt for you for an assessment in 2 to 3 weeks.  I emailed another counciller and made contact I just have to get up the nerve to actually call make an appointment and speak to someone.  That is the hardest thing to do — three days not haven’t mustered up the nerve.  It all makes no sence and I don’t know what to do with myself,  cause even the kids  don’t want to hear about it.  So I take my emergency meds., they help but the lonelyness hangs on. Being sad is one thing but the lonelyness is relatively new.   I understand my friends son’s suicide, cause it was all our fault.  No one has time to look after our mentally ill.  No one has the care or love; that is the bottom line we communicate through computers, texting, email.  You see the words in print but not the passion or desperation in their voice.  That is the honest truth. Darkness became his companion, and when that happens the loving words of the parents can’t penitrate- I know they tried.  The dark voices do not relent. 

But people just don’t care for people. That is a really negative attitude. I know that it is the darkness talking, but it is not so much a lie.  When the lie of darkness talks to me I can see it most times, cause God‘s light shows it for what it is.  But today. I am hurting deep in my soul, and we are supposed to persevere. Struggle on. Climb the mountain.  Fight the good fight.  Follow through.  Carry on. Go the distance. Its just that sometimes I forget why.  Mostly I forget who God is.  And frequently,  I forget who I am in Him. and now I hardly remember the me I used to be.  

   My husband talks a good fight. But to be honest, I am tired, and could care less about fighting this.  I am not suicidal, but I understand how someone gets there, I can see the path traveled.  I am worn out.  We as a society must take the brunt of the responsibility. If we truly loved people and cared we would be there for those who are really hurting.  We  need to be a society that does not spend its time keeping busy, or playing but a society that cares for the young, the old, the ill.  We need to talk to them, love them, and be there to talk them down.

So I am sure for all my good talk of God in previous posts  you are wondering  where is God in this? I always have to bring it back to Him.   He is always there. He is with me in this down period.  But how does that help ?  I pray. I feel him here. But I am still depressed.  God is holding me, but the chemicals in my brain are still messed up.  I do not feel evil around me God is protecting me from that, I just feel sadness, lonelyness  and disappointment.  As a society our cup does not overflow. We are like dry bones.

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Happy Canada Day.


Since my last panic attack in my doctor’s office, I have been good.  I managed to get through a very stressful time at work and spent the long weekend with my family camping which has been wonderful.  It is always a reconnect with my kids and husband. No one else just us, hanging out, swimming at the beach, campfires, sleeping, reading, playing games.  It was a good time to spend together.  My kids are teens so they understand that Mom isn’t quite right.  They saw my breakdown, they have seen me shaky and panicked.  We spent some quality time together one on one and discussed what all this means and why I am going through what I am going through. They have been very supportive and were glad to have all the dots connected for them.  I am sad that I have to explain that Mom is losing it.  But they appreciated being told and treated like adults and in the end we all came closer.  God does take all things and use it to his good.  I have been good lately so it was a good time to talk and connect and plan our summer and how we want to handle the next wave if it comes.  

 A.W. Tozer wrote in his classic We travel an Appointed Way “to a child of God, there is no accident.  He travels an appointed way”  So how does my depression work to God’s good. My mind falls apart, my emotions betray me how can that be good?   How can any tragedy work to God’s good.  My father was hit by a car, died instantly.  How does that work to God’s good.  A family devastated by the needless death of the Father who held the family unit together.   That now lays in ruins, a brother doesn’t talk to others cause he never really recovered, grand children who never knew the love of a Grandfather.  A wife now a widow missing her beloved husband.  The pain of the broken-hearted in this life goes on and on and on.  Evil runs rampant. hurting, stealing, lieing. Where is the good in any of this. Where is the Love?   Where is the Grace?  Where is God?  Cause sometimes I feel he is very far away.

  We can have hope.  Romans 8:  22-27 and  31

22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

 26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose.

More Than Conquerors

 31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

We have hope in that God who is greater than me on my best days, will look after me because he Loves me, created me.  I fail and I am in a fallen world.  Evil lives  in this world, but God loves us so abundantly that he takes our pain and makes it into joy.  If we trust him.  I take courage and comfort and strength from the promise that in the midst of the brokeness the Holy Spirit intercede for us with groaning that  corresponds to the depth of the pain I am in.  And when in the darkness no words can express the protection from  evil I need and the help I need.  This prayer partner in heaven is all-powerful and all-knowing whispering the things of God that I need to know and comunicating the things deep with in my heart and soul that I need to but can’t tell the Lord.  God had provided. God never breaks a promise.

Every bad turn, every broken moment till now, every tear I have shed brings me one more step closer to knowing and relying on God. God has taken the pain, the events of my life and gave me a chance to rely on him and in turn he loves me and protects me.  He is expanding my heart in a way I have never known God before.  I am seeing his shelter in the midst of this storm. He has prepared a cleft for me to hid in. ” I look to the mountains from where will my comfort come from- From the Lord the creator of heaven and earth. ”

These are the things that God has been reveling to my heart as I have prayed and meditated this long weekend.  It is the recovery after the latest storm.  Where you asses what the damaged is, and where the storm has left you.  It left me a little stronger, which is again part of Gods plan to take this storm and turn it into his good.  I don’t know where you are in the storms of your life, but God; if you ask, will take you by the hand and help you walk on the water,  so you can over come the swells and reach dry land.  Just Ask, Reach, hold onto.

I am drowning in the depths of despair the darkness closes in,

 but a light is reaching for me

I can scarcely kick to keep my head above the water, do I want to?

But a light is reaching for me.

I am tired, tired of the pain, the darkness, the hurt, the fighting, I do not want to fight the good fight anymore?

But a light is reaching for me.

Ok– I will take the light hand, it will not leave me, it keeps beckoning me, calling me.

But a light is reaching for me.

This energy! This Shock! This Love! This light!

But a light is reaching for me

This hope grabs my heart and leads me to my Lord. I sit upon the lap of Jesus like a child.

I lay my head upon his chest. Safe, no more to fight, shelter, in the love of the Lord. Peace.

                                                            Till next time peace be with you.

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June continued


The darkness prowles, But the light shines.

The darkness is quiet, The light is bold.

The darkness whispers lies, The light shouts truth

The darkness trys to steal; bit by bit, The light holds a loving embrace

The darkness slips here or there, The light stands for all to see.

The darkness is hate, The light is love.

God always hold me in your love and protect me from the darkness.

Journal entry June 8, 2011 ” Being dragged on down, I am still unsettled I am not sure why, but it is a constant fight between heart and mind.  I hear the negative voices reoccuring, voices that will not let me go.  Eight track tape going on and on.  I am trying to get it to let go.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not.  I walk and listen to music to drown it out.  I am feeling hasselled I can not get it to stop. Lord help me.  “

June has not been an easy month and its only the 25.  I had another panic attack this week. It was building all week.  The week before I was just sad.  Sit like a lump sad.  I think the people are realizing at work that something isn’t right- my greatest fear.  This week it started to build Sunday, and I slipped each day slowly untill I was having a panic attack in my doctors office.  I was there for 40 minutes.  I felt foolish. insaine.  But it was good.  As I stated earlier, I have a great Doctor I completely trust her and she knows me well.  So this was an eye opener for her to see me in such a state.  The result. Drugs.  I am not entirely comfortable with them. She upped my anti-depressents and perscribed anti-anxiety (incase of emergency break glass) drugs.  I went to the drug store bought them, went back to work stared at them for an hour and took one. I was anxious, I was coming down from the panic, but was trying to get it together, it was an emergency.  It worked.  I came down, could concentrate, finish all I had to do and go home feeling better.  I woke the next day calmer. Praise the Lord.  Now they are my security blanket.  I carry them around in my purse, just having them near makes me feel better.  But the rub– there always is isn’t there.  They are very strong and powerful and addictive. This last event with my doctor, makes me more concerned about my mental state. I need to seek a counciler, I need more than to bother friends and read some excelent books on how to cope. I just have to ask.  I have been carrying around with me all week a EAP pamflet from work.  I have great benefits and free counciling.  But I want to go to a christian. I can’t pick up the phone and call stranger.  I have tried several times this week. My doctor told me to go to my pastor.  There are christian agencies and I maybe able to go there. 

The thing of it all.  I need to talk to someone, I talk here to you, I talk to God. God listens- he talks to me. I don’t like the drugs but they are working today, so I am happy.  But a line was crossed this week that made this  mild case of the blues to something more.  Maybe its part of the depression but it frightens me more. But that is a huge part of depression. Fear. Sadness.  Anger I have been very angry this month.  My bible study was studying the fruits of the spirit, gentleness, kindness, self control.  I felt none of these, it made me more than angry.  I lashed out at a friend who was giving me a wonderful birthday message earier this month.  She said I didn’t she didn’t take it that way.  But I was angry over her encouraging nice words. I don’t feel them.  In this wave, I have felt pathitic, and ashamed, resentment, extreem jealously, fear- scared out of my wits is better discription. So where is my God in all of this. He is there.  He promised he would be.  In the book I am reading it says Though we break God’s heart sometimes, he loves us still. That promise goes back to the beginning when in the garden of Eden and Eve disobeyed God when she ate the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and shared it with her husband, Adam, we lost our place in Paradise.  Sin became our birthright.  But God in His grace and mercy promised deliverance before he Banished Adam and Eve.  We are travelers through this world back to our Paradise with God.  We have storms to go through, this latest wave is yet another storm.  But God is holding me. Giving me people to help me.  Helping me to realize what I need to brave the storm and to put me in a cleft to ride it out.  The last couple of days have been good.  I practiced with my youth band today and sang my heart out in praise, and ment it. Tomorrow I deliver the children’s message- a little nervious. But feeling stronger, and I will be standing in God’s house so where better to feel his strength surrounded by people who love me, and God himself. The darkness may have been dark. But Gods light is always bright.  He is leading me on this journey – its becoming a journey of discovery. I have been realizing just how much God is there for me, the control freak and he is in control- I have just been discovering how deep with in me he lives.

Peace to you from this week talk to you later….

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I will put you in a cleft in the rock.


Exodus 33:21-22 Then the Lord said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by”

A cleft in a rock, a port in a storm. What is it we are really looking for in life? We are looking for a place of safety.  We desire to work for a good company because we wish to have job security.  We look for a safe place to live because we wish to have  peace when we lay our head down at night, a place that is safe for our kids to play in, a safe place to purchase our food.  We as humans desire three things as our most basic needs Food, Shelter, Safety.  Along with our basic needs as humans there are some things in life we can not shake. Death and Taxes, but there are other absolute truths we need to also acknowledge.  One, there is a God, he is the creator of the heavens and the earth. Secondly, He can not lie, he is truth, and when he makes a promise it is never broken.

What does this have to do with depression.  When I am in my dark hole of depression; if you have been there, you know deep in your heart that evil prowls around you like a lion.  Your mind fails you, your body fails you, what do you trust?  Friends, family they will also disappoint they will fail. Who do you trust, who do you turn to who will never leave you –God.  Please read Psalm 121

 
Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

 1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
   where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
   the Maker of heaven and earth.

 3 He will not let your foot slip—
   he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
   will neither slumber nor sleep.

 5 The LORD watches over you—
   the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
   nor the moon by night.

 7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
   he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
   both now and forevermore.

The Lord will keep you from all harm.  When you are in the depths of depression I know its hard to feel God holding you.  If you have never asked, maybe now is the time.  If you suffer from depression and feel the darkness closing in- you know there is also light.  Maybe you have never acknowledged it before. Maybe you don’t believe in God.  But you know there is darkness. Would it be so hard to believe there is light? Try a prayer.  when you are in the pit of dark, ask God to send you his light.  He is there holding you waiting for you to acknowledge Him.  Its like a Christmas present unseen under the tree waiting to be discovered. It is a free gift, opening it. In the pit of darkness what have you to lose?

But I do promise you this if you open this present, God will never break his promise.  God takes all and turns it to His good.  What he requires from you is acknowledgement that his exists, and an invitation to your open heart.

I have had some dark nights.  Nights where I didn’t think God was there. Nights where I could feel and see evil wanting to devour me. A shadow of darkness that follows you around like a shadow. If you read the poetry I have written in previous posts you can see how dark it has been. But God put me in a cleft in a rock so I could be protected and his Glory could shine.  God has promised that in Psalm 121 we would be protected. And God never breaks a promise.  When I could not pray or even groan, God gave me friends that prayed for me. Those nights I thought were the end of me, I never thought I could move to another day. I thought the darkness would swallow me up.   Seek his peace.  It will not protect you from the next panic attack- I still suffer, I still fall down some pretty deep holes, but I do have God to help me pick up the pieces, and each time we do I get  a little stronger. he provides me with hope that I will overcome this darkness, but think of this.  You would never know there was darkness if you didn’t have a light. God is that light, and so is his son Jesus.   but I’ll talk more on that next time.

Please come back again, I want to talk about holding on to Gods promises next time- till then God’s Peace to you

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A week in June.


Another week in June has just about gone by.  I am tired today.  I got up early and ran 6km, then showered and off to work. Work has been really busy, half of the staff are sick and I got left holding the bag.  I am still trying to figure out things but as acting Office Manager I have been trying to get it all done.  I have been feeling good.  A little shaky today which always makes me nervous cause I am never sure where it will lead to.  I have been telling myself it’s just your tired. So tonight I will sleep and sleep in no running tomorrow, (hopefully I sleep)  just relax and see what the day holds at the office.  Its fathers day this weekend and I am lucky on two accounts. First I have a great Father to my two kids – my husband of 20 years, and I had the greatest Dad as a father.  Gone now almost 15 years.  It’s hard to lose someone so wonderful and major influence in my life.  Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if he was here. Sometimes I wonder if he would think badly about me and my meds and my depression.  I am still trying to get it through my head depression isn`t my fault.  That is not an easy thing to do.  Why! it’s the way people look at you if they know.  It’s the comments people make about people with depression.  I had a comment made by a friend about my friend’s son who committed suicide, because he suffered sever depression.  He said  that boy was a “realy different sort of guy” He was creative, friendly, loving. he suffered from something he could not control. And that is the rub of it all.  Its something I can’t control.  That should let me of the hook right? No it never does. I am on the hook.  Control freak here– who feels like a freak cause she can’t control her emotions.  I am raising two teens, how do I guide them on how to live; how wonderful our Lord is and how to depend on God if I can’t depend on him myself sometimes cause I am too afraid and depressed and feeling betrayed by my mind and my body.  So I have my triggers.  I still suffer from panic attacks that the meds are suppost to help with, the problem with meds are they need to take effect and they take a while to really work.  So I wait in shame in silence except for one or two friends I say nothing to anyone.  Not even my Mother.  I love my Mom she is wonderful, and my best friend too.  My mother comes from a time when if a woman was suffering form panic attacks and depression they would put her in to the hospital.  Mom decided she “just wasn’t going to let it get her down” Depression doesn’t work that way, and she and I even though we look alike we are not build the same and my chemicals in my body have always had a mind of their own.  When I was 28 and had my first child, after a preplanned C section, I started the night sweats and hot flashes.  After my second child some thing only worse, and she was another C section, preplanned.  So I never had labour, and wonder if I had the natural birth experience, if chemicaly, I would be better off. A wonderment that I will always wonder.  My kids had to be C sections, I couldn’t have them natural so no choice in the matter. I have been having the physical side effects of menopause for almost 18 years.  So I always figured , Hey when it gets here it will be a snap at handling all of this.  I never figured in the emotional side of things. I never knew there was a depression side of things.  An anger side of things, A desperation side of things. A losing control of things and feeling like you have gone crazy.  Those women in my mothers time that were sent to the mental hospital, maybe it wasn’t so bad, Yes you had to leave your family, but the husband would say “my wife is helping a family member recover and will be back” it was never talked about and the women got really good drugs to come “around”  Mind you there was also shock therapy, so maybe a padded room isn’t the best thing.  But there are times I want to run a way for some quiet time.  To distract me from the voices of depression and rest and have no responsibility.  But that isn’t life. So the reality is cope the best you can.  I have made some changes in my life.  I don’t shop alone, I’m not allowed, I seem to become panicky when I am out by myself so one of the kids or my husband come with me which is difficult sometimes cause my boy and husband hate to shop.  So I buy  a lot of stuff at Costco, cause my hubby will go there, and Canadian Tire.   I  Pray.  God loves you He created you, he knows the hairs on my head and has them numbered and how many will and are turning gray, and for some of you what your natural colour was! Jesus walked this earth and delt with depression too.  He saw first hand how hard we struggle as humans on this earth.  He was full of compassion for us, he wept with us when his friends passed.  Jesus was distressed in the moments before he was taken to be crucified.  He was distressed to the point of depression because of the things he had to do to make things right between God and us.  He paid the ultimate price for us to come to God and for the forgiveness of our sins. He leads us to greater joy and love through God. Pray that God leads you to the light and away from the darkness.  God is Good he will look after you. I cling to him in my darkness.  He holds me when I am desperate. I will pray for you all. till next time

by

May the season of Spring and this year alot of rain


I make it to May feeling like me more and getting back on track.  I spend a weekend away from the kids with my husband to fish with friends.  We have a great weekend.  Except for a little shaking on Saturday night – which my friends either ignored or didn’t see, I was great.  It was wonderful to spend time fishing and being up north and relaxing.  I feel God leading me along, taking care of me watching over me. Helping me see that having depression is something one can live with.  At least that is how it feels when you are up before you go down. May was a great month – June!!!!

I was doing everything right. Eating well, Well actually truth be known I was eating very little but what I ate was Good. Lean meat, healthy salads, (you know there are unhealthy salads) Working out, cut back my red wine greatly.  I would have a glass every evening, but I cut it out and had a glass with a meal on the weekends.  Trying to get sleep, that was hit or miss sometimes I would sleep sometimes I would not. Then one day it started again.  The seeping of anxiety and panic.  I was at work.  It was busy, sometimes its nuts busy, this was steady, but not crazy.  I started to slip, I thought” no way am I having this happen”  I was fighting but the panic was just under the surface.  I finished work, went home, bought supper, fed my family still trying to get it together.  I didn’t tell anyone I was no good.  My husband noticed but had to be somewhere that night so did the kids, so did I.  We all went our separate ways.  I took my daughter to Youth Group, I went to my prayer meeting.  I prayed a couple of poor prayers. The group ended.  I ended up in the parking lot talking to my pastor.  He knew I was not in a good place. I told him I wasn’t good;but I went home to a dark house.  But I was going to fight.  I fought the panic attack, I prayed and meditated for a long time.  I could not get rid of the dark shadow on my back.  It had followed me all day, then that night it swallowed me up.  I had prayed and finally gave into the panic.  I text my friend, “pray for me I’m being attacked”  She and I text abit,  I am exhaused. I couldn’t pray I couldn’t talk, I could  get myself to bed.  I should have called my husband, I should have told him I was alone. I shouldn’t have been alone – not that night.  My husband did come home that night shortly after my plea to my friend, that I was going under pray. He scooped me up put me to bed. he saved me that night. I can’t say what would have happened, but my hubby came home at a good time.    I would like to say I slept, you know I did not, I managed a few hours.  Woke up-  down.  Depression is like that, if you suffer you know it can come on with  no reason.  If someone tells you just brighten up, please resist the urge to punch them. You can’t.  For me my depression is also related to hormones.  I can’t control them.  I can do stuff to minimize the swings.  Eating right, working out, drinking less. My medication I am on, doesn’t mix with wine.  So I stop all the bad things, but depression isn’t always effected by the outside it comes from within.

So for two weeks I have been struggling, shaking my way along.  Some days have been aweful, some better.  I left work for a “Doctors Apt” and went home to sit in the sun to make myself feel better.  Actually no apt, I was having a panic attack and had to get out of there before someone realized I was freaking out.  I went to a Christian book store and got some books on God and depression. I told the lady they were for a friend.  I know she didn’t believe me.  But I couldn’t bring myself to say it was me I was embarrassed.  So I read. I blog. I suffer in silence.

My friend says that I should not be embarrassed about this, its chemical and not my fault.  How do you cross that line?  I am out of control, for a woman who is always in control, I have lost it.  The medication makes it so I can not cry.  I have lost that ability cause it help pushes down some emotions.  I think if I had a good cry I could feel better.  The medication doesn’t seem to mask panic attacks, they keep happening. But I am embarrassed, I do feel responsible for them, I punish myself by working out more – cause I can control that, eating less cause I can control that. I get skinner. Do I know this is wrong, YES. But it all goes with depression. I am trying to make myself eat more. I need to change my thinking on depression. It is something that happens. Do your best to cope, Pray. God has been wonderful in holding me.  When I am at my darkest, I have felt God and the prayers of others holding me when I could not hold myself for anything.  Read the Psalms 121 is a good one it helps.  It is also a good distraction and sometimes cleaning the house reading and walking with upbeat music is all you can do to ride the wave.  But it is a wave. Waves come and go; the wave does go, hang in there my friends hang in there.

Please come back and read more.

by

And then I was good


March gives way to April, eventually subsided and then I started to feel better.  I stopped shaking a bit (it never really leaves) I was able to go back to my workouts.  I started a new work out program called Insanity— it is insane and got toned up, ran a little more and started to feel better.  Then I started to feel more than just better I started to feel like me.  Me! I remember her, the one who can be funny, the one who makes it a goal to make people laugh. Me, the one who strives to be a woman after God’s own heart. Me, who can look after her kids, husband, cook up a storm and be responsible, hard-working.  I was ME it felt great! I stood up in front on my congregation at church and sang with the worship band with gusto.  And I truly believe the words I was saying.  But I was a little scared. What if this doesn’t stick.   It didn’t. I got a two month reprieve then bang back to trouble.  It comes on slowly to the point that you don’t feel it sneaking up on you.  The shaking started more, the emotions raged. I could feel God pull in close but I could feel evil licking at my feet, pulling at my at the bottom  of my pants. I am in conflict.  My heart is breaking for those around me that are hurting and I feel conflicted with my faith and my emotions.  So I email my pastor- he separates what is lie and truth for me.  He is concerned – I fluff him off say I’m fine just a little down.  My friend talks with me they both know I am hurting They know I have been fighting depression, they pray for me. This is a good thing, I need all the prayers I can get.  But for me my mind  it is like “are you kidding  Ineed a hands on intervention, I am being sucked down the tube of darkness and praying for me isn’t enough.” I’m thinking exorcism, because I feel possessed.  So what do I do I start to isolate myself.  I am embarrassed and thinking I am crazy.  I start to think if others find out they will think I am crazy and won’t like me, take me seriously, won’t think I am worthy.  That is what the lie wants me to think.  So in my state I have an evening at friends, being out and social is good right? I drink too much and make an ass of myself — cause drinking does not go with antidepressants. I shake more and am totally embarrassed. I apologize for my actions they are the only people who know whats what with me so they are gracious and forgive me.  Suddenly I seem to be apologizing more and more to people for various things. I hate that.  I am a women who is in control – normally, and I am losing control and I can’t cope. To give you an example please see some of my poetry from that time period 

In the darkness of my mind I am alone, it is in disarray

There is fear and cold; but I crave to be there

Here I hide my disarray

Here I hide my shame

Here I trick my heart

I look to the light for warmth, I understand its source

It lays bear my heart, makes known my shame, My mind  betrayed me.

My nerves twitch,  strain, I search for peace.

I search for Grace.

I search for Love.

I know its there, but I sin. I crawl to the darkness

 for I do  not know what to do, I do not  know how  to live with this.

I love my God, I pray, but it is hard to fight.

It scares me, I give way to panic, it pulls me in traps me

My heart beats faster, faster, I hold to God with my life

I wish for ease of mind, I wish for green pastures,

I wish for peace

I wish I could cry.

What do you do — you get up, you exercise, you eat right, or at least try to eat, you wash your face, you  go to work, you force a smile. you carry on.

God does love you, God does care, He will sustain you. He will lead you — one more day, one more step, you can carry on.  I don’t know where you are in this but I do know there is a way, a path, a life.  Gather yourself – find some friends,  lean on them,  that is why they are your friends – if they have any salt. Find a church- listen. Don’t isolate yourself- I did its not a place you want to be. You have to keep going, keep fighting. There may be times you close the blinds and hide, I did, but promise me, and yourself that you will open the blinds back up take a breath and move forward.  There is no cure no repreaves  IF you do not move forward.

I will share more next time– till then Gods Blessings

by

Here comes the drugs!


January leads into Feb and then MarchThen what—I started medication for my depression in Feb.  I thought it would be the cure all.  That isn’t what happens with  depression but I didn’t know.  It is sneaky.  The thing the doctor didn’t tell me – my wonderful doctor who a have always trusted for over 20+ years.  There are side effects.  I had shaky hands I was up I was down- I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I lost 15 lbs and blamed it on a exercise program I was on in fact I just didn’t eat much for weeks .  I wasn’t hungary.

In the midst of this I did write some an extensive amount of  poetry, to help my heart mind soul.   Some heartfelt but there was also the heartbroken poetry too- see below:

It came upon me slowly seductively it whispered lies

When I didn’t know I was listening

It attacked my God

It attacked my faith

It took my emotions and squeezed them

I panic

A God who loves us should protect us from ourselves There should not be death suffering in silence

Our minds should not betray us – The lies continue

The dark smoulders around, frightening my heart, cooling it to make it cold

Pushing to keep it off balance

My hands shake, my heart cold, I can not cry anymore

I am not losing my mind

I am not losing myself

I am not losing my love

I keep telling me these things

Murky gray keeps licking the heels of my mind

The lie takes more,  but I see it.  I separate if from my faith. I separate it from my God.

It lets go, but it did not leave

But I fight and fight fight

I am Broken the light gathers

I am Hurt the light heals

I am ashamed the light forgive

Its grace covers me and the love comes through

I give up the familiar robe of
darkness for a garmet of Joy – I try

I feel raw but safe

less shaky But shaken

Peace but disturbed

Forgive my tormented heart

Forgive my troubled mind

Thank you for your Grace and Love

For God is in Control

God holds me true

God is the Way Truth Light

God is my Father, and his Grace and Love never ends  Amen

Needless to say I was in a state, but this is what i have discovered depression does; it turns you upside down.  If you have or are going through depression you know what it can do.  If you have never been through it this is how powerful it is.  It takes all that we hold dear and messes it up.

So now what???? you go to sleep- you get up you try again, and try not to be a pest to your friends but if anything see your doctor, seek people who can help, friends, family, professionals,
God.

I pray that all who read this will be Blessed by God to gain understanding, help and guidance and most of all peace.

Please come back again and read more.