New Week Smaller Demons


Last week was so exhausting.  It was hard to keep things together.  This week is all about me.  I started to refinish my dining room table two years ago.  I ran out of steam then, and decided to leave it for a bit.  I moved it outside yesterday and I should be done it by tonight.  I made a point of not rushing anything.  I went for a run, I ate some breakfast, I bought some groceries, cooked an amazing supper.  Everything I did I did slowly and dilibertly.  I actually managed to get some sleep Sunday night so Monday was great.  Last night I had an hour sleep and I can feel the pulling down of my spirit, but I keep reciting the same mantra “I am just tired at 2 have a nap.”

I managed to make it to church on Sunday I had told friends I would not, they were happy I came.  I didn’t want to, but Sunday I felt a drawing to the church so I went.  I asked my friend to sit beside me.  It seem silly, but last Sunday I was harassed by negativity, I wanted positiveness to surround me I wanted my friend who I knew was praying for me near, my protection, my shield.  God is my shield and should be my protection, but I am still wrestling with my unbelief,  I just wanted a flesh and blood friend beside me.  In the end I was feeling better somewhat at the end of the service and went home in a better place than before.  I guess that is the main thing.

I was told when I am in this down place I should not examine my faith.  This depression is such an ever-changing thing.  I have learned that it’s not a sadness, it is so far from just that I don’t see it connected to depression at all anymore.  I still feel my spirit being pulled down, but it’s so much more than that.  It is attacks.  When my spirit starts to be pulled down, I feel myself withdrawing from people.  I become afraid of them.  That is how it always begins.  Then the negativity starts.  The attacks of voices, your no good, etc, etc. then the questioning, I hear the songs, I hear the bible verses, the sermons I become confused and can not sort out right from wrong.  I can’t sort out truth from lies.  This causes me to become afraid and in cases like last week I have a bad anxiety attack.  It sucks your energy. You think and rethink everything.  You can’t remember things, I can’t talk.  I forget words and studer which only adds to the feeling of insanity, which adds the fact you are not yourself, you forget who that person was, and you belittle yourself more because you are not the person you thought you knew and around and around it goes. If is was only a case of sadness I could deal with just that.  It is a whirl wind like a dust storm. Thick of partials not knowing what  one speck is from another and  where or it should be.

So for today – cause I can’t think of tomorrow.  I will finish my dining room table.  I will make a good supper. I will try to have a nap and continue to ask God to forgive my unbelief.

till next time……..

 

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Turtle


Monday— the dreaded start of the week.  I was talking to a close friend of mine about how we wish our weeks away.  I do not want to wish my life away.  I want to savor everyday the Lord has made.  Some days savoring is better than others

Saturday I was fighting off the urge to cry, in the process of this my house is so clean!! That makes me feel better.  But it was a distraction from what was going on in my heart.

Sunday, I turtled.  Stayed home away from people, didn’t go to church, didn’t call my Mother.  My daughter did manage to drag me to the mall for some shopping but we lasted an hour before I insisted we go home.  She was happy enough,  so good.  My husband worked on a fence with our neighbour almost done, he was busy.  It was bad enough every few hours he would come in and want to know how I was, if I was ok.  Nagging– I know it was in love I just wanted to do things and deal with it on my own.     I felt like I was stoned. ( I wasn’t )  I didn’t  feel, I didn’t think, I barely did anything, I just sat in the yard or in the front room and stared off in the distance, read a book off and on all day.

Monday and I feel a little better — still have the sensation that I want to break down and cry or just break down.  I am tired soo tired I can’t seem to shake this feeling.  I go to bed in good time but I can’t seem to sleep.  Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, but I will eventually get it.  I just have to reach a point of exhaustion where I collapse and sleep for hours.

Sometimes I think that a hospital would be great.  Check myself in, hid in a room cuddle my pillow, give instructions that I don’t want to see anyone and just try to sleep.  I could never do that.  My children would be embarrassed and it would stress them and my husband out.  Worry people I don’t want to worry.

Sometimes I feel like I could run away, find a cottage or get my camping trailer and hid in the bush.  I am used to being in the bush I could handle that no problem.

Reality…… all these things are partly devil related.  I allow him to poke me and prod me, to stress me.  I hear the voices that say I am no good, fat, unworthy.  I hear the negativity that wants to block out my joy and happiness.  I have to remember that as overwhelming these voices are – I need to remain in God’s love.  To remain attached to the vein, growing in faith and keeping connected to the living God.

There is the rub………………..some days its hard

The best I can do is try.

till next time………………

Oh Sunny Day


Another beautiful day,  so warm and sunny, just unheard of in May.  Wearing summer sandles and shorts and  how lovely is that!! The past Victoria Day Weekend  was high 20’s sunshine, and swimming and tanning.  I caught up on my vitamin D.  Its been nice to sit and relax, spend some time with friends.  Fall asleep infront of them around the camp fire!  This endless tiredness is driving me nuts.

The rub of it all.  Here are the problems with health issues and it doesn’t have to be mental illness, depression any health issue.  I can’t sleep,  I need to exercise and exhaust myself so I can sleep better.  In order to exercise I need to have the energy to do it.  In order to have the energy to do it I need to eat right and sleep.  My back has been hurting to the point I am taking muscle  relaxers  for it.  If  I want to make my back feel better I need to do core work.  In order to do core work I need to exercise.  In order to do exercise I have to want to and need energy to do it .    See where I am going with this its like a merry go round.   I realize this is the whine of a suffering person, but when you think of it you can do two things;  laugh cause its murphy’s law, and isn’t that just like life, or let it get you down.   These  days I can laugh mostly.  But when I am in most pain or distress, its darn hard not to be down.

I have been feeling better today I have been a little down today.  I searched out a natural  doctor and have gone on some natural supplements to help balance my hormones, my emotions feel better,  but physically I feel like my body is raw  from  the previous hormone treatment I stopped.   I feel like I have  scrapped my insides from top to bottom.  I am not been sad or in darkness for a while just a little down today, which on some levels a sore body is easier to deal with, easier to hide from others, and even a little more functional.  I may be tired but I can suck it up mostly and make it through.  I my body hurts I can pop some Advil and smile and not have to evoke happy feelings.  Feeling on feelings is hard.  Feelings on a sore body is much easier.

I read today a saying that went ” I will live above my thorn,  not under it”  I thought it clever.  This blog seems to talk about the thorn and how I am trying to live through it, tucking my skirt in tight to my knees and trying to wade through water over my head,  not over the thorn.   But that is the purpose of the blog.  Not to whine, but to talk about what happens on the inside of the mind as you cope,  and try to come to a balance of a storm like Depression and mental illness.  Even though I have been suffering for more that a year or two I can swallow the word depression but to see mental illness in print is still hard to take.

I have to say one thing about this storm.  I don’t understand it, or why I have developed it, or if it will ever go away.  But I learned so much about me.  Not just what I can handle or not handle.  But it has solidify some truths with in me. Truths about God that he is the one and only God and Jesus is his son sent to save me from me and my weak flesh.  And the Holy Spirit is my councillor and leads me shows me things of God.  And best of all this storm has made me not afraid to admit it loud and proud.  That is a solid with in me when so many other things are not.

till next time………………………….

Oh Heart


Oh tired heart, why do you cry, don’t you know of love.

Heart of mine, you feel you will die, it is the dark of dust that makes it cry.

The dust makes the heart not see. The darkness makes the heart not feel.

Stuck in paralyzing shock.  Coated in its rotting grape soaked lot.

The light will cure the sickly heart. If only it will start.

To feel the warmth of heat from the son of the Love.

Dust and dark  clouds kills the  warm heat, and covers the mind of the heart.

Restless in a desperate search of sleep, only to lay awake in a heap.

Today is the Day


Today is the day the Lord has made I shall rejoice and be glad in it

My heart is brused and battered right now, but today is the day.

My Soul crys out in pain again, but today is the day.

I see the crushed in spirit die around me, but today is the day.

I feel the crys of the land as the blood sinks in, but today is the day.

The cloud of darkness draws near, but today is the day.

I prostate to pray, and today is the day.

The sun rises in its warning blaze of red glory, but today is the day.

And it sets with no fan fair, no light, story,  but today is the day.

The prince of darkness tries to mess with us here, but today is the day.

I am afraid and scared my heart shrinks away, but today is the day.

Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and come sit at the feet of God.

Today is the day the Lord has made, out of Love and Grace.

So I hide in the love that the Lord has made upon this day.

In the light of things I do know or understand, but know as truth.

For this is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be Glad in it.

 

Plastering a Cracking wall, trying to hold it together


Another weekend gone.  I have no idea where the time goes.  Whew, they keep flying by I have two months of work left and then I am done for the summer.   A busy weekend.  I managed to go out with some friends on the weekend and enjoy some social time.  It was nice.  I really wanted to hibernate at home, but sometimes you just have to get out there and be among people.  In the end it was good for me, like exercise you don’t want to, but it is good for you.  I am off my hormone drug for the next three weeks.  I have been on them for about 9 weeks now and the only thing it did for me was increase the size of my butt.  So now I have gone from 10 lbs underweight to 20 over weight, dam there is no happy medium in this thing.

I know I have said this before, and maybe this is the OCD in me talking but I am a go getter I do a lot for, and with my kids and husband and I can’t seem to get my act together.  An example, my husband says a week ago ” you know we should change the bed sheets.”  “Ok I will do that tonight.”  He says “fine” he is working late that night no worries, I can do this nothing else going on that night.  I make lunches, supper, clean up, and some how the rest of the evening passes I totally forget.  Two days go by “oh dear, honey I forgot the sheets Ill to it when I finish making lunches” .  He is cleaning up supper and doing dishes.  Two more days go by, I’m heading to bed, Sh** still forgot to do the sheets, already in bed – not getting up now. Tomorrow.  Saturday I get up have coffee doing them right now, hubby and I take off sheets he takes them to the laundry tosses them in.  I get another set of sheets.  Start to make bed. Go down stairs part way through to do get something,  get distracted.  This happens all day Sat, I finally get it made when I headed to bed that night.  Sounds like real life right, however I left 1/2 done jobs all over the house that day cause I couldn’t follow through on what I was doing. 

 I would head up stairs to get something I needed to finish something down stairs realize bed not made, start on it and try to get it done.  Then after a few minutes realize Oh I was getting this thing for down stairs grab it go down stairs, stop in kitchen for a drink of water forget where I am going clean off the counter.  Remember to go down stairs, go there remember what I am doing, forgot the thing I needed up stairs.  Go back to bedroom, crap not here, stuff a pillow in case, Oh ya in kitchen go to kitchen find it Oh ya doing stuff down stairs.  Ugggg.  That is how the day was.  I’m thinking this is nuts what the heck is wrong with my brain that I can’t follow through.  Then I get mad and then I get depressed cause my head is wack.  Vicious circle.

When my kids were babies, they would nap for an hour or two during the day.  I could move mountains in that time.  I was always proud of the things I could do in an hour.  Now my mind is mud. Thank God for the calendar on my blackberry cause I would forget everything.  All my work stuff, all my family stuff, everything is in there if I lost it,  I think I would jump off a bridge.  (not really– but it would be close) 

So here I sit on a Monday morning wondering.  Wondering about so many things where do I start. 

Is this what getting older is about! I still have at least 20 years working years I’m not that old!

Is this apart of depression a robbing of your capabilities?

Is this what happens to your mind with this illness, is it normal?

Is this the drugs?

Is my mind ever going to go back to what it once was?

Is this God’s punishment?

Is this allowed to happen to me from God to teach me humility?  Because this has been a drastic lesson but I learned it!

Is this happening to me because of my pride and lack of tenderness towards others?

Is this me just whining and I should be thankful and shut up and get on with it?

Is the depth of my heart-break and suffering ever going to end or be fixed?

This is a life changing illness, like any illness, but will I ever be able to trust my mind.  Does the cancer victim ever trust its body again?

On the flip side.  My relationship with and my trust in God, my relationship with my husband and kids, my relationship  my best friends have reached to a much deeper level than I could every imagine. So good does come out of bad

But here is a question:  If God had given me the chance to refuse this illness two years ago when this all started, knowing what I know now, would I have?………………………………………..till next time

Back against a Crumbling wall


April 24  —  where oh where did the month of April go, oh where or where can it be!  I have no idea where this month went– I know it passed by and I was there watching it go but I don’t know how it passed so fast.  May around the corner and soon to come my anniversary.  May 4 will be 21 years of wedded bliss to a wonderful man.  The 21 years have not been problem free – along with a beautiful rose you do get thorns, but the blessing in a marriage is the ability to break off the thorns and heal the wounds together.  My Hubby has been very supportive and I am blessed for him, he says he is blessed to have me. 

I am not sure what is happening lately.  I have been feeling kinda weird.  Not up and down, just a consistent low.  I can’t say I am depressed but I can’t say I am up.  I have been under a lot of stress lately and there seems to me a great need for people to be supported here at work and they all seem to gravitate to me.   They need someone to talk to, or help them sort stuff.   I try my best to help them.  So what do I do I apply for a new position ( a lot more responsibility) at another school and wonder what the heck am I doing.  This new position is something I have done in the past but it would be a steep learning curve at a new school and lately I feel  I am barely getting by.  

I always seem to be putting out a fire somewhere, here at work, at home with one of the kids.  I guess I am feeling overwhelmed.  I think some of this has to do with the drugs and my mind.  I can’t seem to multi task like before.  I can only do one thing at a time or my concentration is zapped.  I guess what I am really worried about is that I am losing my mind and it is rebelling against me and how I normally operate.  I have always been able to handle lots of balls in the air, never exhausted me or bothered me and today I can’t do anything.  Even making supper and talking at the same time, I forget what I am doing what I am going for, or what we were talking about.  I drive with my son everyday to work and we talk on the way and he is always saying how he hates it when I leave him hanging in the middle of a sentence when I turn my complete attention to driving.  I have no fear of driving but some days it takes a lot of concentration for me, which makes me angry cause I love to turn up the tunes and drive.   I know that I have not been helping myself.  I have been drinking too much wine, but I have been eating better and trying to exercise when I have the time.  I have been doing more yoga to help me relax.  I know the wine is knee jerk reaction to being anxious– and it taste so good too. I will try to deal with that later in the mean time I am working on sleeping, food and exercise.

I well be back to the doctor again soon and I need to know it this is a side effect of the drugs or what is it.   So if I repeat what I said in the last blog it’s because I really can’t remember what I wrote last time.  And sitting here right now – I know it was about teaching the phyed class, but without going back to look I can’t remember if I talked about this last time.

So for today, it is frustration, and fear that my mind it so jumbled it won’t straighten back out.  I know this is a moment in time and I have no idea what the future will bring and God tells us why worry about tomorrow.  I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I am trying to sort out if it is my weight or anothers weight.    So I sit here today trying to remind myself that God is in control, especially when I am out of control, and that his yoke is easy.

Dear Lord help me this day to avoid the things that are not of you.  Help me to fight against dependency on the things that hurt me and create a desire in me to do the things that help me.  I put this all into your hands my God my Father and Saviour.  Amen…………………………

Hanging on a limb


I put myself on a limb this week.  I was asked to speak to the Grade 12 girls phyed class at the school I work for, about depression and suicide.  I prepared my lesson, made my notes on the myths of depression and the realities of the illness.  Talked about the stigma of it, dealing with the doctors and medication and how your mind tricks and misleads you.   I was all prepared to talk about it in 3rd person.  I did not want to admit that I suffered from this.  I didn’t want to acknowledge that there are times; like this week, I feel sad, and uncontrollable, and prone to substance abuse— in this case red wine abuse.  The thought of how do I do this and admit my issues and receive their respect, or take me seriously crossed my mind.

As I started the class I went over myths and facts of depression and mental illness.  As we discussed this I looked at them and realized that if I did not admit this instead of bluffed my way through as a friend of a depressed person they would soon see through it and disregard anything I had to say.  I came clean and admitted what I had been through they hung on every word and had a great class.  I even got some good feed back from the students and they took what I had to say to heart and at one point was asked if my faith was damaged by my illness, and as I explained that I was confused about my faith in the beginning cause I didn’t know if it was a crisis of faith or depression I got the chance to tell the girls what I believe in and why my Lord is important to me.

In the end it was a good experience, I can’t tell you how exposed I felt doing it, and even now as we pass each other in the halls I still feel exposed but they smile and wave, but I didn’t want to bull sh**  the girls I wanted them to get something out of the experience and they did, so win win.

How am I today- well I am pleased that I got to express my faith to the class,  I am happy with what they want to do with their knowledge and how they are watching out for their friends and family.  I am still feeling a little shaky the end of this week but some self discipline and sleep will probably help.  Maybe some exercise too…………………….till next time.

Wind has picked up!


The weekend has come and gone, another run around weekend taking my son to open house at his college for next year, running my daughter to field hockey tournament.  My house is a disaster, but that is the price of having kids and a life.  That is what I keep telling myself.  If I had no life my house would be clean and tidy all the time, but I have a life and that is why it looks like hurricane Hazel has gone through.  The only thing if a hurricane went through why do I still have tumble weeds from the cats losing their winter fur, they should have blown through.  If it were so easy.

 I have been struggling a bit this week.  I can ‘t say I have dipped or fell,  I am still sitting on my ledge however the wind has picked up and don’t feel safe sitting out there kicking my feet.  I have my back against the wall hoping the wind dies down.  I haven’t been sleeping again,  I slept so well a few weeks ago, I miss my old friend- sleep.  Sleep is such a temperamental thing.  You think about it all day “I’m tired”  “oh my pillow is going to feel so good when I get home.”  You look forward to it all day the then you lay there blinking at the ceiling thinking –Seriously!  Then the pillow finally gets really soft 20 minutes before the alarm goes off.  Uggg!  I am taking a mental health day this week.  I have a day when the students don’t have school so I am calling in to take a day to sleep and get myself together, and clean the house.  Woe to the child or husband who messes it up!

I was talking to a friend who also suffers from depression, we were discussing the ins and outs of what this disease entails.  First off the Doctor appointments.  The never ending follow ups.  Did this work? Add this med, take away that med.  The running to the pharmacy for prescriptions to be filled.  Remembering to preorder so you don’t stand around Shoppers for half an hour.  The putting yourself together.  Some days it easy to get up and get dressed and go out the door confidently.  Some days it takes all my strength to crawl in the shower.   The days your brain is confused the time it takes to sit and sort out the thoughts.  The lies from the truths, the emotion from the issues.   The days you feel like running away or hiding.  The days you really don’t want to deal with people, cooking supper, shopping, life.  All these things takes effort, organization, being on top of it.   The process is almost depressing!  I know bad joke but it is.  

The emotional side of things;  you feel out of sorts, you feel like a freak, you feel like you are less of a women, you feel like you have lost your mind.   You feel like you have a disability.  You feel that people don’t take you seriously.  “Oh she just has to brighten up lighten up”  I have learned over time not to care what people think.  I don’t tell certain people not because I am ashamed, but because they are unable to understand or empathize, or basically have a clue.  I don’t have the time to worry about them,  I am too busy keeping it together. 

On a positive note, my eating habits have gotten better.  I am eating healthier.  I have been making an effort to exercise often.  I try for 5 days a week, with a variety of options.  I have gotten back to running and biking.  I will soon try biking home from work again like I did last year, which is a good work out.   So things are getting there.   I just have to keep on top of me and schedule the workouts so I don’t get lazy and give up.  To give up is so easy.

What about God in all of this??? I read  a line this week that went :  “The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.”  God has my back always.  Sometimes I need to remember to lean on Him and not my own understanding, strength, and will.                   Amen.

till next time………………………………………..

Sitting on a ledge


I spent this weekend stickless, I wasn’t holding on to a twig, but I wasn’t sliding down the mountain. I have a tiny foot hold on a small ledge. I was out with co-workers and friends friday night and it was nice to be out and seeing people.  Saturday night I had our best friends over for a causal dinner and it was a wonderful time too.  These people are so special to me, and we were doing some summer planning which lifted my mood, thinking of summer is always a lift. 

Sunday I didn’t go to church.  It was something I decided the middle of the previous week.  Maybe that was wrong, maybe it would be better to be in the shadow of the cross at the front of our church, I needed sometime.  I sent my family, my husband was upset but I needed some quiet time.  My husband was convinced I was sliding down the mountain but in reality I was on my ledge getting a grip so to speak.  There is turmoil and no peace from being in church.  Wednesday’s lent service I was being hit hard by negative spirits that were poking at me and I was sliding down the mountain and they were kicking me when I was down. There was too much going on I could not get myself together.  I needed to have some time to sort out the negative voices and the whispers of God.  I needed to find some peace, I needed some space.  So even though my husband didn’t want me to I stayed home I sat quietly for a few hours with a cup or two of coffee and prayed, thought, and tried to come to a peace about it. I think I came to a working place that I can continue forward. 

One of my thoughts again come to illness.  The realization of the illness I have, not that that is new news to me, but sometimes it is surreal to me.  The flipping of emotions and moods is exhausting and the fighting to keep saine is something that I have a tough time day after day.  I was reading an article about a lady that endured pain every day and how she handled it and gave it to God everyday and how she dealt with it.  I don’t belittle this womans brave fight.  I can understand how it could bring her down and the emotional rollercoaster she is on.  But if my hand or my leg hurt I could isolate the hand or leg.  When its your mind there is no distance between how you think and the pain that you feel.  Then there is also the physical pain that goes with the depression.  It’s a hard thing anyway you look at it.

So this week I am trying very hard to trust God in this journey, I am trying very hard to be patient cause he asked me to.  I am trying very hard to ignore the negative voices and let God deal with them.  And I am trying very hard to listen to God and find peace.  Till next time from my little ledge.