Tag Archives: Health

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Today- a day in September


This going to be a short post.  I have been wondering this week what is depression.  I saw it in my friends son, it made him sad and the voices took his life.  What is it for me? Its a constant fight. Everyday, I take the pills fight the side effects, fight the voices that want to take a piece of my heart, surround myself in God‘s word and prayer to protect me.  It takes so much away. It takes my joy, my freedom, my mind.  I have always been someone with a quick joke, or jab to make someone smile.  If I could make one person really laugh from your toes laugh, then I spread a little joy that day and it made me happy. I’m not such a jokester these days. My freedom.  I am afraid what if –what if that day I fall in a hole, what if that day my sadness can’t be hidden, what if that day I lose it at work and the bosses figure out I am suffering, incompetent, unstable.  Its a hiding game its a fighting game and some days it all wears me out. somedays it totally knocks me out.  I am a athlete, I used to run, work out hard, and not quit.   Can’t even go for a walk these days.

What is depression?  Its a constant fight against forces against you. Is God there yes, but you still have to fight. Today I a tired I don’t want to fight. I want to hide, but I have no place to go. So I pray,  Dear God hide me under your wing for I don’t have the strength today, let me rest for tomorrow and lift me up to start another day.

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Second week of September


Made it through the first week of school and all students ended up in the classes, teachers in right rooms.  I survived too. Friday night the blues hit me however, I got home late from work and it hit me like a cold suddenly comes on.  I can’t say it was a panic attack I haven’t had one of those in a while but I didn’t fall into a deep hole of depression, I just suddenly felt very very sad.  I could have shut myself off and hid in my bed room for the weekend. I guess it was more anxiety like.

My husband who is wonderful but is sometimes overly sensitive to my moods detected it right off.  I didn’t want to be around people, but there was a band that we loved, playing at a restaurant and he insisted we go.  The band plays the blues-you may be thinking really! Last thing you need when you feel blue, but it really picked me up.  We sat on a patio listening to the band watching a full moon rise sipping on a glass of wine. It was nice and I think it was what I needed.

Saturday, was a Jazz festival in town and we went for the afternoon to listen to different bands and ran into lots of people we knew, it was fun but after 4 hours I was done with people and needed to go home.  We bbq’d and had a nice dinner with our kids.  Had a camp fire and off to bed.

Sunday Rally day at church.  I Couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t be with all those people I was still feeling blue nothing like Friday but I couldn’t spend a couple of hours smiling.  I talked my husband into letting me stay home.  It was relieving.  I felt guilty but I just wanted sometime alone.  As for the rest of the day, there was more Jazz Festival events that my husband wanted to attend but I still couldn’t do it so we settled for sitting in our sunny yard doing a few chores and having a little ride on the motorcycle in the evening.  By Monday I was feeling better.

In the end it was a good thing, I am speaking at a Women’s Conference this Sat at my church so I needed to write my script which I did and God was gracious and flowed through me what he wanted me to say in it. I am excited to speak.  Its something I wanted to do and I am humbled and pleased to have the opportunity.  The writing and the opportunity makes me feel normal.  The only thing I am worried about is my shaky hands.  But I have a stand so if they get bad I will just hold on and plunge forward.

The rest of this week started good. Monday and Tuesday.  Wednesday and Thursday I have had this creeping sadness again.  I am not sure what it’s all about.

What I do know.  I am not in a hole, I have not had any panic attacks lately.  I have not felt darkness surrounding me.  I have been able to shop by myself and not panic or get stuck in the store.  I have felt anxiety lately.  I have felt anxious at work a couple of  times.  Its different from panic.  When I am anxious my heart races and I shake ( like that ever really stops, but the more I shake the more anxious I am) The shaking is becoming an indicator like the rector scale.  I have taken almost all my anxiety meds.  I see the Doctor on monday so I hope to get more.  Actually I hope to get something different that helps me come up when I fall down. This is my last time.  I know these things take time to get the right combo, but if it doesn`t work this round I am going off it all. Maybe that makes no sence.  But I just want me to be me again.  I hate being this scared little girl who gets paranoid about so many things, and demands reassurance after reassurance that she is doing ok.  Cause I don`t feel ok.  Its been so long since I have felt my confident self that I doubt every thing.  Maybe this is just the anxiety talking.  Maybe I do need to seek the counseling.  I have the numbers I just don`t want to call,  cause it is admission that I can`t handle this on my own and its an admission that I am incapable.  So I sit and stare at them.  Ya I know that will help!!! sarcasm!

How am I going get up infront of 40 some women and speak on Sat.  Well believe it or not that will be easy. The words I got for the presentation were directly from God.   I sat down Sunday morning and asked God to lead me the topic is fellowship and the ideas just fell together and I wrote over 3500 words in 2 hours.  I can do this confidently cause its not me, its God`s. I am talking about all of the wonderful things he has done in my life.  God gave me the words, he will give me the confidence.

As for the rest of my life I need to rely on the same source of strength.  But again that is what depression does it strips away our confidence, our drive. makes us paranoid, unsure.  That is what resisting of the devil that is hardest, cause its my mind he is playing in.  Its my thoughts that he is warping, and sometimes you can`t tell the difference between my thoughts and the warped thoughts the devil is putting in me.  I  am luck to have a husband that keeps asking me `what is truth`If I can find my thoughts as truth in the bible then I am ok.  I have to remember the fruits of the spirit, cause they are the basis of truth.  Love Goodness faithfulness Gentleness and Self-control.  These are the truths.  If I can`t relate the thoughts going through my head to these truths then the thoughts are not of God but evil.  That sounds like I have no control over my mind.  None of us do really.  The thoughts of our mind are formed by our sinful emotional self.  If we want to have thoughts that conform to God we need to look to God conform to his thoughts and look to him for direction. When our thoughts go against the fruits of the spirit then we have allowed the devil and his ways to suggest that we pull away from Godly thoughts.

This sounds like spooky hocus pocus. But let me ask you this.  How many TV shows are based on evil people doing evil things? Do you believe in evil?  ( If not watch the news)  Do you believe in darkness?  Science tells us that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Would it not be from a scientific point of view that if there is darkness there is light.  If there is evil isn`t there good.  If there is a devil isn`t there a God would all those thoughts be so far-fetched ?  I don’t think so.  What do I think- well if you read any of these blogs you know.

I lift my eyes to the hills where does my help come  It comes from the Lord the maker of Heaven and earth.

God is the maker of heaven and earth, his son is the Way the Truth and the Life.

Gods blessings till next time– after the doctor!

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End of Vacation


It is my last day of vacation.  I work for a school so this year I have 6 weeks holidays.  It has been fun.  I have camped and sailed, bbqed some amazing meals ( well I bought and spiced, husband cooked- yummm) Tomorrow I head back to the office and dealing with 1200 teenagers, their parents and 100 staff members.  In someway I am looking forward to routine, in someway this means the end of the summer season, that makes me sad.  Not depression sad, but longing for warm days sad.  I love hot weather, the hotter the better. I don’t do cold well, and the thought of putting on jeans and dress pants  uggg!  It is what it is so adjust.

How have I been feeling?  I am still not sleeping well, in the past week I got 6 hours sleep one night, the most in a long time.  I average 3 to 4 most nights. I seem to get up and function.  I am not short with my kids, or husband.  I have been working like a dog these days, painting the house, gardening at home and at my church where they desperately need it.  I have done my fall cleaning and purged closets and dressers, moved furniture and cleaned the heck out of my house.  I am a clean freak, but in spurts.  I have anxiety over things not being clean, but a lot of the time I don’t give things a deep clean just a ‘hey that looks ok’ clean.  I have not been able to get back into a workout routine. Last week was good, this week I ran once and am too lazy in my mind to get out there.  But I will make up for that next week when I am back to work full time and organized again.

Self discovery this week?  I am really hard on myself.  I have come a long way in that I don’t feel quite so much shame in having depression.  Writing this blog and the response I have had from it has helped me realize that I am not alone.  Depression is so isolating, when I fall or am down I want to hide.  The mind is a crazy thing. I wear glasses.  I purchased dark rimmed glasses cause I figured that I could hide behind them.  Silly, because I think a dark plastic rim won’t attract the person’s attention to my face. (ya right!)  I have long hair, I wear it down and close to my face.  I change my profile picture on my BBM and Facebook to that of a guitar, cause I can’t look at myself.  I pull away and close off from people.  What I should be doing is opening up, drawing close to people, God, surroundings, make an effort to look open to people and not hide behind things.

Being hard on one’s self is also part of depression.  I think some males that I know ( not my husband)  feel that depression caused by menopause or just chemical inbalance is just  PMS gone crazy and don’t take the symptoms and the way the brain works as serious. I think they feel that its just a phase and it will pass but give no credit to the fact that there are psycological issues the person is dealing with outside of it just being a chemical imbalanced.  This makes me feel like the depression is my fault and I can do something to pull myself up at will.  It isn’t that easy and there are other depression traits.   I am a little bit of a perfictionest.  My kids would say “A little bit!!!”  People who are, do sometimes suffer from depression, another depression trait is anorexia, a denial of self, and punishment.  I have been thinking of this a lot lately.  God has been bringing it up to me often too.   I have mentioned it a couple of times in previous posts but not in detail.  I am suffering not only from the effects of the up and down moods- which over the past two weeks have been good.  I am suffering from anorexia also.  I could go for days without food and never think of it.  There are days I feel bad about me and force myself not to eat as punishment.  There have been days when I have done a run or intense work out and then in the afternoon gone for an hour walk to work off more.   I have never put these words down in print like this before, so part of this post is self-realization.  I had said once to a friend that I had a big dinner coming up that evening and was saving myself for it, they thought I was not eating for diet reasons.  That hurt, but they never knew it hurt.  On the surface it may have looked that way but deep inside it was my punishment.  For what?  I am not even sure myself.  Maybe for having fun, indulgence, I don’t know if I can put it into words. I went to lunch with a friend last week.  I didn’t want to and almost cancelled.  She insisted we go to a chinese buffet.  I was ready to get in the car and run.  I couldn’t go there and eat all that food.  I ate some, and just made sure I spread it around my plate lots so it looked like lots.  I didn’t eat for two days after cause it was way too much food.  A punishment again.

God has reveled to me on several occasions that He made this body and it should be treated as a temple that it is lent to me on this earth before I return to my heavenly Father.  I know in my heart He is right.  But there is a wall between heart and mind.  Somedays I can eat at least two meals a day.  Yesterday I had 1/2 an apple and three slices of Turkey breast meat.  Is that wrong, Yes!

How do I do this with a family and husband.  We are busy we do eat suppers most nights together.  I will excuse my lack or little serving of supper do to large meal I had a lunch or nibbling all day long which didn’t happen. Or if everyone is working or out I just don’t bother cooking at all.  Or make a supper of something I don’t eat.  I don’t eat pasta, or pizza or bread items so I make them for the family and eat a salad for supper.  So what is this?  Its lieing, cheating myself, and wrong.  The meds do not make me hungry.  I have to say its been a long time since I have said I am famished.  And Yes some of this is control when I can’t control my mind, some of this is punishment for not being in control.  It amazes me that I have got to this place.  It shames me that I think along lines that I have never thought before.  It humbles me infront of God cause it is his hand made body I am abusing.

God has been by my side during all this.  He has been gently reminding me that it is ok to eat, it is ok to love my body.  That I am blessed with a body that can run, work out, move, dance, pray, and do many many things.  I should celebrate this body that God gave me.  Its not too bad for a woman in her — well lets just say I’m not 30, but I look good for not being 30 🙂  God has been reminding me that I need to rely on his Love.  His love for the way he made me, and that he made me to be loved.  God always has my back. He always has his arm around me and he is always there to show me how I can improve me and come into balance with myself and him. Today I make a plan to eat at least twice a day.  Its not perfict but its a start. What do I do if this doesn’t happen, I will have a follow up with my doctor in a few weeks I will tell her and see what we can come up with.   In the writing of this post God has made me face what I am doing. I see in writing the destructiveness of depression the destructiveness I am causing my body and how I am hurting my relationship with God and I know through him I can overcome it.  It all comes down to trust.

God’s blessings till next time.

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Arms


This depression pulls at me.

I sink down, I suck in.

I hold everything till my arms ach.

I hold the pain, the shame.

I hold my pride, close to my sides.

I try to keep it tight, the weight I can not fight.

I have no strength to hold these things.

I have no arms to keep it.

I progress when I let it go,

but my arms are cramped, they do not move.

Lord release my grip.

Release my sorrow,

Come close to my heart, so to go on with tomorrow.

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Self induced hell /but back from the brink


To hell and back is how I would describe the past weekend. I had talked about this in my last post.  I had been away with my husband and the sadness and darkness crawled in.  I didn’t fall in a hole, I decided to by past that one and head straight to breakdown.  I was unsettled.  Monday till Wednesday I was away camping with my honey, we came home to our kids who thankfully didn’t have a party while we were gone.  To be honest when I was their age growing up on the farm I had parties when my parents went away, whats wrong with mine?? you know I’m kidding I was thankful.  Thursday morning we left for my Mothers to do some work on her house.  She lives about 2 hours away, it took us 3 days to complete our work.  Thursday was wonderful we did lots and I hadn’t seen her lately so it was nice.  Friday I was agitated, and went to bed early to get away from people, but didn’t sleep.   Saturday we finished the jobs, brunched left.  I was in a terrible spot.  We were driving along the 401 Hwy and all I could think was if I could get him to stop I would start running, I would run and run till he couldn’t see me anymore.  This is totally irrational.  I have a great family and great friends.  If you read my last post you know through my husband and some dear friends I pulled through that weekend.  My other support group, God also was there to take my pain and replace it with peace.

The point of this post is not to dwell on how I came back from the hel,l I was heading to a breakdown like the one I had last year, it was close and in view.  How did I get to this place?  How did I almost go over the edge? To pull myself out I had my support group, I took my anxiety meds and they helped some.  But why was I back in this place.  Self induced  hell.  It took me a few days to figure it out.  I was renewing my prescription for my pills and I read the box, it said the same thing it has from the beginning. Do not take with alcohol. I knew I should not drink with this stuff my doctor said a glass of wine with dinner on the weekend or a beer on a hot day is fine but not every day.  Ever have one of those moments in your life where it feels like a TV show and a spot light comes down upon what you’re looking at to highlight it.  Then it hit me.  Crap what have I done to myself, that caused my friends to come out to my house Sunday night to talk to me, my husband to spend time talking me away from my urge to run and to be honest I know he considered taking me to the hospital too.

I was on vacation with my husband for 3 days we were camping, eating wonderful meals, drinking wine with steak, and drinking beer while we sailed, out for dinner with friends at the resort.  Then at my Mothers working outside on a hot day, building decks and installing a back splash is thirsty work.  Home on Saturday and Sunday not caring what I was doing, I had a drink, a few glasses of wine with dinner.   Tuesday it dawned on me.  I had a week full of drinking.  What the heck am I doing.  No wonder I was crashing, I was counter acting my pills.  I haven’t had a drink all week.  I had a small glass of wine by the fire with my husband tonight,   it’s a beautiful summers night but I have avoided it all and got back to working out even though it has been a struggle. ( I am a fitness fanatic – so not to- isn’t me, again its the depression, it pulls you away from what you love.) This is Friday, and I feel great.  Well I feel better.  I still don’t feel like me, completely. I am feeling better.  I am still not sleeping, I get 3 to 4 hours a night the rest of the time I listen to the crickets.  My mind is not a whirl, it’s just awake.

This week I have been thinking about what I have been doing each day and how it is effecting my quality of life.  You have to watch what you do.  I have said it before, several times.  Watch what you eat, watch what you drink, restrict alcohol, restrict coffee, workout, try to sleep, take your pills.  Just keeping up with this makes me sad sometimes.   It’s a process, this will not last forever, it will pass.  Depression is just like any other illness.  If you have a bad heart you have to exercise and eat right.  I you have a bad arm you have to take care of it.  If you have a bad hormonal chemicals you have to attend them like a cut, bruse or bad heart and do the things that matter.  I got caught up in vacation mode of the summer, not to say I didn’t have a good time but the end result does not justify a couple of drinks too many.  I am still having issues with eating, somedays I have to force myself to eat.  I could go days with out and never think if it.  I know some of this is not wanting to, some of this is medication and not being hungry, some of it is control issues.  I have not said any of that to my husband, I don’t need the stress of him watching everything I put in my mouth or not put in my mouth.  I am trying I am trying.

Where is God in this, I always like to end my blogs with Him.  It is God that reminded me that He is in control, it was God that made me see my errors and best of all through his son Jesus Christ, through his blood and death on the cross and rising again it is through him I am forgiven.  God has my back, my heart, my soul, and sometimes I give Him my mind. Till next time Gods blessings.

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July Week Two


Feeling a bit better today.  Back at work after a quiet weekend.  Managed to get a lot of work done around the house and in the yard.  I spent most of Sunday gathering all our camping stuff for our yearly week-long camping trip.  I look forward to it every year.  I spent a lot of time sitting with my husband this weekend , around campfires in our back yard discussing; of all things, my illness– again.  I am so lucky to have an understanding supportive husband, who loves me to death. He is my rock, my friend, my love.  We put into place some fail safes for me.  That sounds weird, but if you suffer from depression you need to set up some rules and guidelines.  Depression is a mix up of chemicals in my brain.  So to put it into common terms, sometimes I don’t think straight and get emotional and confused and need to have rules to rely on to help me.  For instance, I have had a number of panic attacks in stores. or when I am on my own, I seem to get overwhelmed when by myself in public.  I don’t shop by myself,  kids or husband or friends are always with me.  If I am panicking at work. I call my husband he talks me down.  If I am taking my “incase of emergency drugs” (anti anxiety pills) I have to let my husband know, to monitor me, as they are super strong and addictive.  I feel like a little kid under supervision but the alternative ???!!!.  Having a freak out in a store by myself is worse than being chaperoned .  Having my bosses find out I am having an anxiety attack at work, is worse than making  an emergency phone call from the bathroom to my husband.  I will be done work soon for the next 4 and half weeks for summer and I am nervous about having time on my hands.  I have volunteered to assist my church as a secretary if there is holiday coverage needed.  I am planning to paint the house, and then I will start my summer cleaning, rearranging furniture, cleaning out closets.  The bottom line. This is effecting all aspects of my life even though I am trying not to.  I feel like I am living in someone elses body, like some weird movie but the body just doesn’t fit right.   Somedays  I feel like checking into a hospital and staring at the walls for weeks on end,  I am worn out.  Sometimes I almost feel like me – (but never really back to it).  We shall see what vacation does for me.  A chance to run more, maybe sleep more, more time with family.  On the good side of the vacation I will be vacationing with some good friends and one of them a pastor. He married us and baptized our kids.  I am looking forward to catching up with them and I have some things I need to discuss with him.  In my pondering, and readings, I have come to some cross roads in my thinking, in my faith.  I am having problem reconciling a couple of bible concepts with how some writers have interpreted them.  Maybe while away my friend can help me settle it.  So I leave you this week with more questions and statements than directions.  But remember God is faithful the sun always rises and the moon is always there at night.  I hope if you are suffering you continue to read, I hope you continue to trust God, or try to,  I hope you find some peace, rest, and comfort.   Bless you on your journey.

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One Day in July


Feeling down today. Feeling like what is the use, friends must be feeling like not again!  I am suffering in silence.  I contacted EAP got a busy signal, (can you believe it!)  When one does get through they can make an apt for you for an assessment in 2 to 3 weeks.  I emailed another counciller and made contact I just have to get up the nerve to actually call make an appointment and speak to someone.  That is the hardest thing to do — three days not haven’t mustered up the nerve.  It all makes no sence and I don’t know what to do with myself,  cause even the kids  don’t want to hear about it.  So I take my emergency meds., they help but the lonelyness hangs on. Being sad is one thing but the lonelyness is relatively new.   I understand my friends son’s suicide, cause it was all our fault.  No one has time to look after our mentally ill.  No one has the care or love; that is the bottom line we communicate through computers, texting, email.  You see the words in print but not the passion or desperation in their voice.  That is the honest truth. Darkness became his companion, and when that happens the loving words of the parents can’t penitrate- I know they tried.  The dark voices do not relent. 

But people just don’t care for people. That is a really negative attitude. I know that it is the darkness talking, but it is not so much a lie.  When the lie of darkness talks to me I can see it most times, cause God‘s light shows it for what it is.  But today. I am hurting deep in my soul, and we are supposed to persevere. Struggle on. Climb the mountain.  Fight the good fight.  Follow through.  Carry on. Go the distance. Its just that sometimes I forget why.  Mostly I forget who God is.  And frequently,  I forget who I am in Him. and now I hardly remember the me I used to be.  

   My husband talks a good fight. But to be honest, I am tired, and could care less about fighting this.  I am not suicidal, but I understand how someone gets there, I can see the path traveled.  I am worn out.  We as a society must take the brunt of the responsibility. If we truly loved people and cared we would be there for those who are really hurting.  We  need to be a society that does not spend its time keeping busy, or playing but a society that cares for the young, the old, the ill.  We need to talk to them, love them, and be there to talk them down.

So I am sure for all my good talk of God in previous posts  you are wondering  where is God in this? I always have to bring it back to Him.   He is always there. He is with me in this down period.  But how does that help ?  I pray. I feel him here. But I am still depressed.  God is holding me, but the chemicals in my brain are still messed up.  I do not feel evil around me God is protecting me from that, I just feel sadness, lonelyness  and disappointment.  As a society our cup does not overflow. We are like dry bones.

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A week in June.


Another week in June has just about gone by.  I am tired today.  I got up early and ran 6km, then showered and off to work. Work has been really busy, half of the staff are sick and I got left holding the bag.  I am still trying to figure out things but as acting Office Manager I have been trying to get it all done.  I have been feeling good.  A little shaky today which always makes me nervous cause I am never sure where it will lead to.  I have been telling myself it’s just your tired. So tonight I will sleep and sleep in no running tomorrow, (hopefully I sleep)  just relax and see what the day holds at the office.  Its fathers day this weekend and I am lucky on two accounts. First I have a great Father to my two kids – my husband of 20 years, and I had the greatest Dad as a father.  Gone now almost 15 years.  It’s hard to lose someone so wonderful and major influence in my life.  Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if he was here. Sometimes I wonder if he would think badly about me and my meds and my depression.  I am still trying to get it through my head depression isn`t my fault.  That is not an easy thing to do.  Why! it’s the way people look at you if they know.  It’s the comments people make about people with depression.  I had a comment made by a friend about my friend’s son who committed suicide, because he suffered sever depression.  He said  that boy was a “realy different sort of guy” He was creative, friendly, loving. he suffered from something he could not control. And that is the rub of it all.  Its something I can’t control.  That should let me of the hook right? No it never does. I am on the hook.  Control freak here– who feels like a freak cause she can’t control her emotions.  I am raising two teens, how do I guide them on how to live; how wonderful our Lord is and how to depend on God if I can’t depend on him myself sometimes cause I am too afraid and depressed and feeling betrayed by my mind and my body.  So I have my triggers.  I still suffer from panic attacks that the meds are suppost to help with, the problem with meds are they need to take effect and they take a while to really work.  So I wait in shame in silence except for one or two friends I say nothing to anyone.  Not even my Mother.  I love my Mom she is wonderful, and my best friend too.  My mother comes from a time when if a woman was suffering form panic attacks and depression they would put her in to the hospital.  Mom decided she “just wasn’t going to let it get her down” Depression doesn’t work that way, and she and I even though we look alike we are not build the same and my chemicals in my body have always had a mind of their own.  When I was 28 and had my first child, after a preplanned C section, I started the night sweats and hot flashes.  After my second child some thing only worse, and she was another C section, preplanned.  So I never had labour, and wonder if I had the natural birth experience, if chemicaly, I would be better off. A wonderment that I will always wonder.  My kids had to be C sections, I couldn’t have them natural so no choice in the matter. I have been having the physical side effects of menopause for almost 18 years.  So I always figured , Hey when it gets here it will be a snap at handling all of this.  I never figured in the emotional side of things. I never knew there was a depression side of things.  An anger side of things, A desperation side of things. A losing control of things and feeling like you have gone crazy.  Those women in my mothers time that were sent to the mental hospital, maybe it wasn’t so bad, Yes you had to leave your family, but the husband would say “my wife is helping a family member recover and will be back” it was never talked about and the women got really good drugs to come “around”  Mind you there was also shock therapy, so maybe a padded room isn’t the best thing.  But there are times I want to run a way for some quiet time.  To distract me from the voices of depression and rest and have no responsibility.  But that isn’t life. So the reality is cope the best you can.  I have made some changes in my life.  I don’t shop alone, I’m not allowed, I seem to become panicky when I am out by myself so one of the kids or my husband come with me which is difficult sometimes cause my boy and husband hate to shop.  So I buy  a lot of stuff at Costco, cause my hubby will go there, and Canadian Tire.   I  Pray.  God loves you He created you, he knows the hairs on my head and has them numbered and how many will and are turning gray, and for some of you what your natural colour was! Jesus walked this earth and delt with depression too.  He saw first hand how hard we struggle as humans on this earth.  He was full of compassion for us, he wept with us when his friends passed.  Jesus was distressed in the moments before he was taken to be crucified.  He was distressed to the point of depression because of the things he had to do to make things right between God and us.  He paid the ultimate price for us to come to God and for the forgiveness of our sins. He leads us to greater joy and love through God. Pray that God leads you to the light and away from the darkness.  God is Good he will look after you. I cling to him in my darkness.  He holds me when I am desperate. I will pray for you all. till next time

by

Here comes the drugs!


January leads into Feb and then MarchThen what—I started medication for my depression in Feb.  I thought it would be the cure all.  That isn’t what happens with  depression but I didn’t know.  It is sneaky.  The thing the doctor didn’t tell me – my wonderful doctor who a have always trusted for over 20+ years.  There are side effects.  I had shaky hands I was up I was down- I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I lost 15 lbs and blamed it on a exercise program I was on in fact I just didn’t eat much for weeks .  I wasn’t hungary.

In the midst of this I did write some an extensive amount of  poetry, to help my heart mind soul.   Some heartfelt but there was also the heartbroken poetry too- see below:

It came upon me slowly seductively it whispered lies

When I didn’t know I was listening

It attacked my God

It attacked my faith

It took my emotions and squeezed them

I panic

A God who loves us should protect us from ourselves There should not be death suffering in silence

Our minds should not betray us – The lies continue

The dark smoulders around, frightening my heart, cooling it to make it cold

Pushing to keep it off balance

My hands shake, my heart cold, I can not cry anymore

I am not losing my mind

I am not losing myself

I am not losing my love

I keep telling me these things

Murky gray keeps licking the heels of my mind

The lie takes more,  but I see it.  I separate if from my faith. I separate it from my God.

It lets go, but it did not leave

But I fight and fight fight

I am Broken the light gathers

I am Hurt the light heals

I am ashamed the light forgive

Its grace covers me and the love comes through

I give up the familiar robe of
darkness for a garmet of Joy – I try

I feel raw but safe

less shaky But shaken

Peace but disturbed

Forgive my tormented heart

Forgive my troubled mind

Thank you for your Grace and Love

For God is in Control

God holds me true

God is the Way Truth Light

God is my Father, and his Grace and Love never ends  Amen

Needless to say I was in a state, but this is what i have discovered depression does; it turns you upside down.  If you have or are going through depression you know what it can do.  If you have never been through it this is how powerful it is.  It takes all that we hold dear and messes it up.

So now what???? you go to sleep- you get up you try again, and try not to be a pest to your friends but if anything see your doctor, seek people who can help, friends, family, professionals,
God.

I pray that all who read this will be Blessed by God to gain understanding, help and guidance and most of all peace.

Please come back again and read more.

by

Then Christmas was over


I was feeling better, it seem to be over, the darkness, the hole seemed to dry up and all was ok, for a while. Jan came and was almost over I thought, wow I must have just had a bad season, The death of my friend’s son maybe over showed Christmas or something, but I was ok.  Then the darkness came back. It was different this time it didn’t swallow me, it slithered around my ankles and attempted to pull at my pant legs to pull me in. I didn’t fall into a hole, it came upon me like a smoky fog. The depth of the darkness wanted to drown out the light.

Here is an excerpt from my journal Jan 12 2011

“It’s a sad day, not sure if its hormones though I suspect they are, or its that devil
of depression sneaking around me. It is seductive depression, it’s a itchy coat
that completely envelops you.  Joy on the other hand is a fancy
dress. You wear it on special occasions not wanting to get it dirty or messy,
always aware that you are in it for a short time, never really believing that a
fancy dress could be worn always. Why can’t joy be like a comfortable pair of
jeans always ready to wear no matter what you are doing, where you are going,
always feeling good. Never worrying it will end, or never come again.

The darkness of depression swallows like pin the tail on the donkey it binds you,
spins you ‘round, and you can’t remember where the light is.

I am fighting. It sneaks around me but I fight. I cannot reconcile things in my
mind. The devil confuses me. I know God is powerful, creator, my heavenly
father, my source of love, my savior, the I am- God! But What about those who do
not find God. What about my friend’s son who took his life? What about my
brother, who turns his back on God, thinking me a freak for loving the creator
of the earth. We pray for these people, we pray for their souls their minds
their hearts. But the son is dead, the brother unchanged. Did we pray wrongly,
or is free will stronger than prayer, than God. Right now this is the thing I
cannot reconcile. This is what haunts me and keeps me up at night; I think this
is what is at the heart of my depression. Maybe I believe in a touch by an
angle type of God or magic God. One that saves in the nick of time and in an
hours time with commercials. “

God is not that way. What the devil likes to do is confuse you. Depression is caused;
for me anyways, by a biological chemical reaction in my hormones. When you are
not at your best the devil prowls around like a lion seeking to devour you.
What I learned through this bout of depression, my grief was not the source of
my depression, my sorrow added to my sadness, but when I could separate that I
felt sad, and confused from my faith. I soon realized I was not having a crises
of faith, it was a distraction, I could separate faith from sadness and I was
lifted up. God rescued me. I saw that faith did not cause depression and faith
helped me ’cause I could give my grief to God, he reconciled it for me in the
poem I wrote in the previous blog. I felt better and I thought Great making progress
I should have this thing licked! No God had other plans for me. In the mean
time, I went to my Doctor. Even though I figured things out as to what my
depression was not, I still could not function in the state I was in. One
Saturday I had a break down. Full on my face stretched out on the floor break
down. In front of my kids, in front of my husband, and totally freaked them out.
Then I went to my doctor. She is Great! She put me on meds to help. And they
did help keep me from the extreme but they did not stop the depression and here
is where the rub is. You will not cure it by meds they help but there is a
lot of stuff you have to do to help yourself, to heal yourself. But with God’s
help I am getting stronger. With some amazing friends I am coping and that is
how I am handling it for now. More on my journey next time. Come back and read
more. GW