Tag Archives: God

Aside by

Its been a couple of weeks since I have written.  Take that as a good sign.  I have been feeling good.  I had a dip the other Thursday, I was on a fishing holiday, being with good friends was wonderful and it melted away.  Today is Sunday.  Happy Canada Day.  I am so tired.  I can not tell you how bad I feel.  I hardly slept last evening.  I had horrible dreams of evil and death and things I can not discribe.  I tossed and turned and eventually became scared to fall asleep. So I didn’t.

I went to church today — we have been out and about for a few weekends so its been a month or so since we have been there.  As I sat there I could feel the darkness slowly sneak up on my and crowd around my back.  It sapped my energy, it confused my mind.  I am in a state of …… I can’t even put words to it.  But I feel broken hearted, I feel confused, I feel like I am unable to concentrate.  The darkness hasn’t been around for a while now– I don’t understand why its here.  As I listened to the service and the sermon I was in a tug of war.  I was being gently lead to step closer to the light, and tugged to hide in the dark.  Its easy to hide in the dark, its easy to curl up give up and hide.  Just a few hours of sleep, some time alone.  Not to be found for the darkness drawnsyou in but there is no peace.  Just a constant stealing of your defences and you.  As the darkness came closer and closer I felt my defences decreasing.  It is this that scares me.  The dreams, the darkness and the confusion.  I fought;  I tried to fight.  I think in the end there was a stale mate.  I am still being hasselled as I write this.

The one lie that kepts going over in my brain is, if God is love he can heal you, but you are not healed so you are not worthy.  I am allowed the depth of this pain for a reason, I don’t understand the reason. If I could touch the hem of the cloak of Jesus I could be healed, like the women in the bible.  I feel like I am reaching– but in reality I am just waveing my arms in the air – blind – confused – and crazy.

Its just a wave a small set back, but if I reinjured a hurt that was purely physical, if I hurt a limb again it would heal because I would do the right things to heal it.  But when there are emotions envolved, you don’t know what to do, how to move forward.

I just hope and pray and meditate that this thorn will be taken away from me and it I am to learn something form it, I pray that I finally figure it out, before I finally lose my mind completely.

till next time…………………

Darkness

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Darkness of Gods Hand


The book of Job, God allows all thatJob loves and holds dear on this earth to be destroyed.  So that God can show the devil that Job is a man of God and will not turn his heart or tongue against God.  Did he grieve, did he feel the pain of losing everything, yes.  Did he turn himself from God. No.  I feel that I would not do so good at not speaking against God. Oswald Chambers talks of being held in the darkness of Gods hand to learn how to listen.   It is in the depths of struggle we learn more about ourselves, I think, than at any other time.

I have been in that struggle lately.  It is a heart/head  struggle.  I have written lately of the pain of the negative voices that haunt me these days.  There is also a struggle of light and dark too.  It’s not just voices fighting against voices.   It is a struggle of pain and confusion.  I am struggling against a deep pain I do not understand.  I feel it deep within but not understanding its source.  This makes me confused and unsure of how or what I am feeling.  I was reading a book written by a christian woman who wrote about the promises of God and clinging to them when you are in that dark place.  I can’t read this book when I am in …. this place.  It’s hard to describe where I am.  It’s not dark nor evil.  I am on a plain neither knowing which way to go.  My left and my right look the same.  I do now know which way will lead me to God or away from God.  I don’t understand this pain in my heart.  I am confused about direction, scripture, understanding.  I do know God will not forsake me.  The longer I stand still on this plain the more I feel anxious.  I should be moving, I have to progress, but I am loss.  I continue to look left, right, slowly turning but not seeing anything– every angle looks the same.

Maybe  this is why I want to run, or turtle.  I should move, I feel to stay here is dangerous.  I feel there is something I should be understanding or get that will move or protect me or lead me, but its like I can’t quite grasp what it is.  A whisper I don’t quite hear or understand.

So today I stand here– feeling the depth of this pain in my heart, and pray that God open my ears to hear and my eyes to see, for I can not rely on my own understanding, or know which way to go.

Maybe that is the point

Till next time ……………………….

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Oh cloudy day


Its Friday a day all people with Sat and Sunday look forward to.  Having a really bad day out of the blue.  (sorry for the pun I just realized it from last posts title and this post title)  I feel so out of sorts today.  I am shaky, which is interesting cause I haven’t been a long long time, and feeling anxious, to be honest I have one nerve left and every one wants to stomp on it.  Nothing has changed in the week.  Just another day, just another chemical reaction.   No darkness just sad, mad, (angry) physically hurting, and shaky.  Ugg

Dear Lord.

I know that all you do is good.  All you do is right. All you do is fair.

In this day I am not feeling good right or fair.  It is your strength and your love that I need in my heart.

I am weak but you are strong, so cover me over with your hand and keep me safe.

Lead me in your paths, take my hand.

I feel blind today, stumbling around like a blind, deaf,  lost puppy.

Oh Holy Spirit please take this prayer to God with Groanings from deep with in my heart

Cause there is no love no kindness only anger.

I put this into your hands cause mine hands can not handle this

Amen

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Oh Sunny Day


Another beautiful day,  so warm and sunny, just unheard of in May.  Wearing summer sandles and shorts and  how lovely is that!! The past Victoria Day Weekend  was high 20’s sunshine, and swimming and tanning.  I caught up on my vitamin D.  Its been nice to sit and relax, spend some time with friends.  Fall asleep infront of them around the camp fire!  This endless tiredness is driving me nuts.

The rub of it all.  Here are the problems with health issues and it doesn’t have to be mental illness, depression any health issue.  I can’t sleep,  I need to exercise and exhaust myself so I can sleep better.  In order to exercise I need to have the energy to do it.  In order to have the energy to do it I need to eat right and sleep.  My back has been hurting to the point I am taking muscle  relaxers  for it.  If  I want to make my back feel better I need to do core work.  In order to do core work I need to exercise.  In order to do exercise I have to want to and need energy to do it .    See where I am going with this its like a merry go round.   I realize this is the whine of a suffering person, but when you think of it you can do two things;  laugh cause its murphy’s law, and isn’t that just like life, or let it get you down.   These  days I can laugh mostly.  But when I am in most pain or distress, its darn hard not to be down.

I have been feeling better today I have been a little down today.  I searched out a natural  doctor and have gone on some natural supplements to help balance my hormones, my emotions feel better,  but physically I feel like my body is raw  from  the previous hormone treatment I stopped.   I feel like I have  scrapped my insides from top to bottom.  I am not been sad or in darkness for a while just a little down today, which on some levels a sore body is easier to deal with, easier to hide from others, and even a little more functional.  I may be tired but I can suck it up mostly and make it through.  I my body hurts I can pop some Advil and smile and not have to evoke happy feelings.  Feeling on feelings is hard.  Feelings on a sore body is much easier.

I read today a saying that went ” I will live above my thorn,  not under it”  I thought it clever.  This blog seems to talk about the thorn and how I am trying to live through it, tucking my skirt in tight to my knees and trying to wade through water over my head,  not over the thorn.   But that is the purpose of the blog.  Not to whine, but to talk about what happens on the inside of the mind as you cope,  and try to come to a balance of a storm like Depression and mental illness.  Even though I have been suffering for more that a year or two I can swallow the word depression but to see mental illness in print is still hard to take.

I have to say one thing about this storm.  I don’t understand it, or why I have developed it, or if it will ever go away.  But I learned so much about me.  Not just what I can handle or not handle.  But it has solidify some truths with in me. Truths about God that he is the one and only God and Jesus is his son sent to save me from me and my weak flesh.  And the Holy Spirit is my councillor and leads me shows me things of God.  And best of all this storm has made me not afraid to admit it loud and proud.  That is a solid with in me when so many other things are not.

till next time………………………….

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Trying to Sing in the Dark


Lord are you there, Sometimes I can’t sence Your Presence.  This is the hard thing. The crushing darkness, the true test of faith. David spoke long about not feeling God‘s presence.  Many a Psalm starts out with a plea to God not to leave him. But many a Psalm also starts with a rejoice to the Lord.

This blasted thing, this depression has taken me to the depths I could not ever imagine and a darkness I never knew existed.  It has also shown me Love and Kindness from others and I have been; when I am having good days, to show gentleness to others I have never been able.  It is all opposites.  Last evening I didn’t want to be around people but my heart cried out in darkness and loneliness.  Today I don’t want to be around people – I took a sick day,  but I can’t wait to have my husband come home from work.  It has separated me from God yet brought me closer. I have been frightened out of my wits, and I have seen the end of life, or thought of the end of life, and yet given me so much more to live for.  Paths I have never considered, thoughts I have never thought, pain I never knew, and shame I have never known before, weakness I never knew could ever exist, weakness I never considered myself to possess and strength I never knew I could tapped into.

The thing I have to remember is that in the darkest of dark, in the loneliness of lonely, in the depths of my heart hurting that I need to ignore the feelings no mater how strong and crushing they are, I chose to trust in God.  Sometimes I utter it weakly, unbelievingly. Sometimes I say it in a loud bold voice.  sometimes I say it in fear.  But I say it and that is the point, I chose to trust in God

At times God puts us through the discipline of darkness to teach us to heed Him.  Song birds are taugh to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God’s hand untill we learn to hear Him…. Watch where God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? Then remain quiet….When you are in the dark, listen,and God will give you a very precious message to give to someone else when you get into the light………………Oswald Chambers

till next time…………………

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Today is the Day


Today is the day the Lord has made I shall rejoice and be glad in it

My heart is brused and battered right now, but today is the day.

My Soul crys out in pain again, but today is the day.

I see the crushed in spirit die around me, but today is the day.

I feel the crys of the land as the blood sinks in, but today is the day.

The cloud of darkness draws near, but today is the day.

I prostate to pray, and today is the day.

The sun rises in its warning blaze of red glory, but today is the day.

And it sets with no fan fair, no light, story,  but today is the day.

The prince of darkness tries to mess with us here, but today is the day.

I am afraid and scared my heart shrinks away, but today is the day.

Today is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and come sit at the feet of God.

Today is the day the Lord has made, out of Love and Grace.

So I hide in the love that the Lord has made upon this day.

In the light of things I do know or understand, but know as truth.

For this is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be Glad in it.

 

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The Butt of the joke


May – and the days fly by.

The days are rainy but warm.  Especially in the evenings.   I don’t mind.  I actually sleep better if I am listening to the rain as I drift off.    Sleep has been weird lately.  I don’t seem to really have a solid sleep.  Unless I drink way to much but that isn’t real sleep either.  Lately, however, I wake up often and then drift off into dreams.  The dreams seem real.  I dream about work, friends, home life.  I dream about all kinds of things and then when I am at work or else where I sometimes become confused because I am not sure if what I am remembering is part of a dream or part of reality. 

I am feeling a little paranoid these days, unsure of myself.  I write everything down to try to keep things straight, to the point of making my journal more of a record of my day, rather than a comment on life or conversations with God.  I can’t say I feel depressed but I do feel like I want to cry sometimes.  The feeling arrives but never carries through.  I am constantly hugging either my children or my husband.  It was a good thing it was my anniversary other wise my hubby  would have wondered what was up.  

I was off to the doctor this week, and got a mild “oh well the hormone patch didn’t seem to do anything, here is a 5 month supply your other meds, see you then.”   What else can she do?  The patch did nothing but add on 15lbs and cause me to go shopping for bigger fat pants (for you men out there all women have fat pants). So I muster up the energy to workout, and try not to drink a lot, to get my butt under control.  Working out doing ok, not drinking not so good.  Or really good depending how you look at things. The LCBO is doing a booming business.

I can say that I have been leaning on God more.  I have been wanting to hide more.  I want to stay home and hide with my computer a glass of wine and my big fuzzy slippers.  I made myself spend most of Sunday outside getting some gardening done.  That accomplished a lot of good stuff so I am happy about how the gardens look.  I have been gardening at the church too so I can keep myself busy and away from my pillow.  I keep fighting I am not wore out but tired.  I am taking a mental health day on Friday.  Just to have the house to myself would be nice. 

God on the other hand has been close at hand and I can feel him.  He has been revealing secrets to me as I have been preparing to lead the bible study I am attending.  I am looking through foggy glasses but he is showing me stuff.

So I continue on another week plugging along. till next time……………………

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Plastering a Cracking wall, trying to hold it together


Another weekend gone.  I have no idea where the time goes.  Whew, they keep flying by I have two months of work left and then I am done for the summer.   A busy weekend.  I managed to go out with some friends on the weekend and enjoy some social time.  It was nice.  I really wanted to hibernate at home, but sometimes you just have to get out there and be among people.  In the end it was good for me, like exercise you don’t want to, but it is good for you.  I am off my hormone drug for the next three weeks.  I have been on them for about 9 weeks now and the only thing it did for me was increase the size of my butt.  So now I have gone from 10 lbs underweight to 20 over weight, dam there is no happy medium in this thing.

I know I have said this before, and maybe this is the OCD in me talking but I am a go getter I do a lot for, and with my kids and husband and I can’t seem to get my act together.  An example, my husband says a week ago ” you know we should change the bed sheets.”  “Ok I will do that tonight.”  He says “fine” he is working late that night no worries, I can do this nothing else going on that night.  I make lunches, supper, clean up, and some how the rest of the evening passes I totally forget.  Two days go by “oh dear, honey I forgot the sheets Ill to it when I finish making lunches” .  He is cleaning up supper and doing dishes.  Two more days go by, I’m heading to bed, Sh** still forgot to do the sheets, already in bed – not getting up now. Tomorrow.  Saturday I get up have coffee doing them right now, hubby and I take off sheets he takes them to the laundry tosses them in.  I get another set of sheets.  Start to make bed. Go down stairs part way through to do get something,  get distracted.  This happens all day Sat, I finally get it made when I headed to bed that night.  Sounds like real life right, however I left 1/2 done jobs all over the house that day cause I couldn’t follow through on what I was doing. 

 I would head up stairs to get something I needed to finish something down stairs realize bed not made, start on it and try to get it done.  Then after a few minutes realize Oh I was getting this thing for down stairs grab it go down stairs, stop in kitchen for a drink of water forget where I am going clean off the counter.  Remember to go down stairs, go there remember what I am doing, forgot the thing I needed up stairs.  Go back to bedroom, crap not here, stuff a pillow in case, Oh ya in kitchen go to kitchen find it Oh ya doing stuff down stairs.  Ugggg.  That is how the day was.  I’m thinking this is nuts what the heck is wrong with my brain that I can’t follow through.  Then I get mad and then I get depressed cause my head is wack.  Vicious circle.

When my kids were babies, they would nap for an hour or two during the day.  I could move mountains in that time.  I was always proud of the things I could do in an hour.  Now my mind is mud. Thank God for the calendar on my blackberry cause I would forget everything.  All my work stuff, all my family stuff, everything is in there if I lost it,  I think I would jump off a bridge.  (not really– but it would be close) 

So here I sit on a Monday morning wondering.  Wondering about so many things where do I start. 

Is this what getting older is about! I still have at least 20 years working years I’m not that old!

Is this apart of depression a robbing of your capabilities?

Is this what happens to your mind with this illness, is it normal?

Is this the drugs?

Is my mind ever going to go back to what it once was?

Is this God’s punishment?

Is this allowed to happen to me from God to teach me humility?  Because this has been a drastic lesson but I learned it!

Is this happening to me because of my pride and lack of tenderness towards others?

Is this me just whining and I should be thankful and shut up and get on with it?

Is the depth of my heart-break and suffering ever going to end or be fixed?

This is a life changing illness, like any illness, but will I ever be able to trust my mind.  Does the cancer victim ever trust its body again?

On the flip side.  My relationship with and my trust in God, my relationship with my husband and kids, my relationship  my best friends have reached to a much deeper level than I could every imagine. So good does come out of bad

But here is a question:  If God had given me the chance to refuse this illness two years ago when this all started, knowing what I know now, would I have?………………………………………..till next time

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Back against a Crumbling wall


April 24  —  where oh where did the month of April go, oh where or where can it be!  I have no idea where this month went– I know it passed by and I was there watching it go but I don’t know how it passed so fast.  May around the corner and soon to come my anniversary.  May 4 will be 21 years of wedded bliss to a wonderful man.  The 21 years have not been problem free – along with a beautiful rose you do get thorns, but the blessing in a marriage is the ability to break off the thorns and heal the wounds together.  My Hubby has been very supportive and I am blessed for him, he says he is blessed to have me. 

I am not sure what is happening lately.  I have been feeling kinda weird.  Not up and down, just a consistent low.  I can’t say I am depressed but I can’t say I am up.  I have been under a lot of stress lately and there seems to me a great need for people to be supported here at work and they all seem to gravitate to me.   They need someone to talk to, or help them sort stuff.   I try my best to help them.  So what do I do I apply for a new position ( a lot more responsibility) at another school and wonder what the heck am I doing.  This new position is something I have done in the past but it would be a steep learning curve at a new school and lately I feel  I am barely getting by.  

I always seem to be putting out a fire somewhere, here at work, at home with one of the kids.  I guess I am feeling overwhelmed.  I think some of this has to do with the drugs and my mind.  I can’t seem to multi task like before.  I can only do one thing at a time or my concentration is zapped.  I guess what I am really worried about is that I am losing my mind and it is rebelling against me and how I normally operate.  I have always been able to handle lots of balls in the air, never exhausted me or bothered me and today I can’t do anything.  Even making supper and talking at the same time, I forget what I am doing what I am going for, or what we were talking about.  I drive with my son everyday to work and we talk on the way and he is always saying how he hates it when I leave him hanging in the middle of a sentence when I turn my complete attention to driving.  I have no fear of driving but some days it takes a lot of concentration for me, which makes me angry cause I love to turn up the tunes and drive.   I know that I have not been helping myself.  I have been drinking too much wine, but I have been eating better and trying to exercise when I have the time.  I have been doing more yoga to help me relax.  I know the wine is knee jerk reaction to being anxious– and it taste so good too. I will try to deal with that later in the mean time I am working on sleeping, food and exercise.

I well be back to the doctor again soon and I need to know it this is a side effect of the drugs or what is it.   So if I repeat what I said in the last blog it’s because I really can’t remember what I wrote last time.  And sitting here right now – I know it was about teaching the phyed class, but without going back to look I can’t remember if I talked about this last time.

So for today, it is frustration, and fear that my mind it so jumbled it won’t straighten back out.  I know this is a moment in time and I have no idea what the future will bring and God tells us why worry about tomorrow.  I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, I am trying to sort out if it is my weight or anothers weight.    So I sit here today trying to remind myself that God is in control, especially when I am out of control, and that his yoke is easy.

Dear Lord help me this day to avoid the things that are not of you.  Help me to fight against dependency on the things that hurt me and create a desire in me to do the things that help me.  I put this all into your hands my God my Father and Saviour.  Amen…………………………

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hanging on the edge


Sunday night.  Its been a very crazy week.  As I have said before I work at a high school, one of our students was hit by a train and killed this week.  I knew the student fairly well. It was a weird accident and a senseless death.  That happened Tuesday night.  Wednesday morning I talked to every news agency wanting me to comment off the record what happened and they were relentless.  My Mom loved my writings when I was growing up and hoped I would be in journalism.  After this past experience and the news I see on TV I am so glad I am not.  It has become a reporting of the sensationalism.  There is no “writing” just a promotion  and exploration of people when they are having their worst day of their lives.  I sitting at the front desk of a school get to see lots of stuff.  This in not a gentle job. I am the lowest paid person in the office but I dealt with the most difficult situations this week.   The investigation officer was at my desk the day after and told me all the details of the event.  The student who shared her locker with the student brought me all her stuff the day after her death, from the locker.  Including her wallet and personal items and books.  The younger sister of the victim, came to inform me of the funeral arrangements.  I greeted the director of the School District of Education in our City as he came to give staff, condolences.  I spoke to the Minister of Education who wanted to give his condolences to the Principal of our school.  I spoke to neighbours that want the school to lobby for fences to be built.  To alumni who want to build a walkway over the train tracks to make public safety better. Parents of other students who just wanted the inside scoop on what was what and who was involved, and all the gory details.  Wednesday night I came home and had a nap I was so exhausted.

The worst of it all was having all these teenagers walking around hopeless and I know a secret that they need to hear.  How Jesus the son of God died for them.  That this girl was escorted through the valley of the shadow of death because Jesus opened the road for us to cross in safety.  There is hope and love and I never got to tell her and I could not, do to school policies,  tell the others of the hope that comes through God.  So I prayed that God would knock on their hearts and they might open the door.

But beyond all this surreal week, today I have been feeling really down.  I feel like my ledge broke away and I am hanging on by my fingers.  I have been good for a while now.  Maybe its lack of sleep – I did nap today for an hour or so.   It’s not anything bad or evil, I just feel totally numb.  Unable to think.  I prayed in church today but could not get myself to feel anything.  My relationship with God is not a touchy feely thing.  It a solid relationship.  But I felt stoned  (which I am not) just numb to feel anything or think anything.  Just part of the depression package.

I am hoping that I can get it together before Tuesday.  I have been asked by the Phys Ed. teacher to talk to her grade 12 girls about depression.  I am teaching a class.  !!!! Never ever thought I would be doing it.  But here we go.  I have created a lesson plan, handouts, and topic of discussion.  It should be a good class and an interesting  day.  Will tell you how it goes.

But for tonight I am tired, despite the nap, I am sad, I don’t know why, I am afraid of not getting out of this mood, I am angry, for feeling so good for a while and dipping again, I am numb, I do not know what to think or what to do.  So tonight I pour my broken heart out to you and a friend.   I was texting to my best friend from school.  And what a friend she is, she would drop everything to come and help me and I would do the same for her.  She  is an amazing friend and I am not going to tell you how long we have been friends cause that number might make me feel more depressed cause that means I am getting older 😦   .    I was telling her about my week and when we had finished talking, I realized that God had blessed me so much in my life.  Husband,  friends from home, friends here in the city.  I am a blessed lady with a great family and friends.  How can I still feel depressed with all this support.

Oh Lord help me out of the hole…………..till next time…………………….