Sensitive


Sensitivity I have been so sensitive lately.  It’s not getting my own way sensitive.  Its the up and downs of sensitive.  Environmental sensitive, surroundings sensitive. This past weekend I needed to get into the country.  I was raised on a farm and I just need to get out of the city and flex my country roots.

Its strange how the meds push down certain things but heighten other stuff.  Meds can push down feelings.  Like tears of joy, tears in general, being over excited about some things just don’t get a rise out of me.  Standing in front of the congregation I had troubles singing praise songs cause I would get choked up and couldn’t get the words out.  My Daughter would perform at Church or in a music concert and I would cry through the whole thing.  When I dropped my son off at the airport for a mission trip he went on for a month I cried for days afterwards- when my daughter left on her trip last summer I could hardly shed a tear—that had nothing to do with one child or the other I just couldn’t do it.I was on the meds with my daughter.   Then there are other things.  A quick cutting word from a friend, or family cuts me to my heart.  Driving alone to work I can feel the pulling down of my heart. Missing my son who is at college. A sudden change in plans breaks my heart. Being out and not giving my daughter a hug before she goes to bed brings me down.  I have to make a real mental effort to pull myself up and sometimes it doesn’t always work.  Its like throwing mud against a wall.  Some sticks; some don’t– no rhyme or reason.  The meds push down some feelings but don’t push others down that need to be pushed. Stick / don’t stick.

I made my husband take me for a drive this weekend.  Tired of fall prep for winter so we hopped in the car and drove north to a little village and went through some antique stores. The day was sunny and warm, it was good to be in the country.

Sunday I could feel the same old conflict that sometimes happens when I go to church.  I am conducting an experiment.  It was communion and we went to the later service which has all the traditional Lutheran service of chants and readings.  I ignored the conflicts that were peculating in my mind and concentrated on the words I was saying.  I chanted my beliefs in the creeds and in the prayers.  I chanted in my head that all I am hearing is truth.  I believe in this truth. I will say with my mouth the words of truth and place myself in the light of the never ending God.  The negative moved away and left me. Took its seat back in the dark corner – out of sight, but not out of mind.  I felt refreshed after I received the bread and the wine.  God lightened my soul. Praise God.  It was a peace that stayed with me all day.

This morning I went to Facebook to see what bible message my friend had put on for the day.  Sometimes these messages hit the nail on the head sometimes they are convicting.  Today they made me angry. “your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God.  You are not your own, you were brought at a price.  Therefore honour God with your body.” The anger hit me like a ton of bricks.  The negative flew from his chair and in my face, in a moment that I never saw coming and confronted me with a barrage of new challenges and confrontations, and realizations.  I hate this body that God made me.  I do not love myself. It is worthless and should be thrown away.  These were the sudden truths that came from me. I opened a message to send to my friend who put the message on FB.  I opened it and told how I hated the message and hated me, I wrote it about a dozen times and never sent it, no will I.

What is the point of this post?  Hard truths of this illness don’t die. Hard truths of the bible never die, nor would they ever because they are the truth of life and spirit and soul and so many other things that I do not understand, but know they are there because the Lord keeps giving me glimpses.  How?  you may say can you make such statements of God, and hate yourself.  The one personal thing that God has given you.

I have been staring at this for a while now trying to form a answer to this question…………I guess I do not accept that I am a child of God. I hate this untrustworthy body that will not work, and has betrayed me, and I punish it with eating disorders that I am fighting again. Well actually not fighting – giving in.  I still feel angry sometimes for this.  I guess I am shocked by the force of the anger today

I will blame it on the meds– some things stick some do not.

till next time……………..

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Random ramblings


A few days have passed since my last post.  The darkness and confusion seated themselves at my table — I did not serve then anything.  They tried to convince me that I needed to be with them, much like a black jack table in Vegas enticing an addict.  I sat unmoved from my post.  That sounds good, but in reality I did not invite them to my table — they invited themselves, at a time when thought I would be open to them sitting and drinking with me.  I did not speak to them, I kept my concentration on God.  Don’t think me admiral, or strong. I may have not given into the temptation to hide in their darkness. their ploy to confuse me did not work.  But I listened to every lie they told me– I didn’t scream lies lies, I did nothing to keep my ears from hearing I looked into their hole of darkness as it tried to look like a place of paradise to hide in. I knew better I didn’t fall for it this time.  I tried to brace my heart from the darts of doubt and my mind lies that were shooting at it like a thousand arrows in a battle.

The arrows of battle.  I have held the belief that God spoke us into existence.  In the beginning was the word and the word became flesh.  The word was the thoughts and character of God, given to us in the son of God – Jesus.  If God can speak us into existence and breathe life into our hopeless sinful bodies, then what happens when we swear, curse, gossip, cut people down with the tongue, the double edge sword we hold between our teeth.  We shoot arrows into the spirit, the life of those we curse.  We give power to the darkness, to pull their chairs closer to their tables and confuse and conquered their lives in a darkness, that they may not have the power to break free from.

This is the battle, this is the line drawn in the sand.  why do I bring this up.  If you have ever suffered from depression or mental illness you have felt the darkness creep up upon you and you know its power. I talk about the battle because in the midst of depression you are more aware of its present. The darkness makes you feel like its only your battle. it is only you and the darkness trying to convince you – like a used cars salesmen — “lets make a deal” But the reality– the thing we can not see because of our blindness (which is an evil ploy) we are in a valley of many suffering the same issues the same defeats and sometimes the same victories.  We just can’t see each other because of the fog.

The fog.  This fog is thick.  it creates walls in our minds.  We do the everyday things in life.  Make lunches, call Mom’s, clean the houses.  This fog has made me feel like I am alone.  I have been crying a lot lately.  The tears still do not stop.  In some ways this is healthy– therapeutic.  In others its down right embarrassing. In some ways disturbing.  I have before this illness took over, never been a crier.  I thought it a weakness.  It makes me even now mad to cry.  Don’t get me wrong.. crying is a natural response to stress, grief or pride for those around us.  My rock my husband had been going through a rough time.  Lost of factors.  Ill mother, stress at work, anger issues, and a change in some medication he was taking.  I am uneasy with it all because my husband is my rock.  I need him to be strong and sturdy and he isn’t — I know its a lot of pressure I am putting on him — and my own weak mind.  But I need him to fill the gaps where I can not, because of my illness.

Lately the illness has been showing me its blocks, stops, breaks, gaps, halts, its full stops in my life.  I am in a new job – computer secretary, communication officer.  I am really loving this job. Its great.  But in my day to day — job related I can handle it — but I come to a point where I am looking at personal emails, home expectations, Parent expectations and my limits run amuck and I am thinking no I can’t do this.

Now we are back to my previous reality  issues.  Is the stress I feel the overwhelming,  anxiety I am feeling, a life issue, work issue, a sandwich generation issue, a made up issue the darkness is feeding me, Or is it a reality I can not grasp because of my illness and the reality of all this life is outthere some where to be made sence of at some other time.   Reading this makes me think — you know someone somewhere is going to think I am smoking a kings size something or other ….. maybe I think too much, maybe I do listen to the darkness too much, maybe I drink too much wine and don’t have enough sleep.

These are the random thought that go through this brain of mine.  Ill or not, all to be discovered at a later date

till next time…………….

limits of an illness


Its been  bit of a struggle lately.  I seem to be surrounded with negativity. It’s not the voices of darkness and his friends.  Its people.  Drama in the house – 16 year old daughter hungry and tired after n school job.  I can’t take it.  The negative surrounds me like a shroud trying to choke me, I can’t breathe.  I head to my sanctuary in my back yard and disappear in a book.  The quiet and the night sooth my frayed nerves.  As I step out of the book and back to my yard I realize the limits of illness.  My limits. The thought makes me cringe.   I have been a women that could move mountains in heaven and earth. Give me two hours and I’ll show you how much on can do when on a rampage.  Clean a house, look after kids, and cook an amazing dinner and dessert and still have time for a quick work out and time for a glass of wine.  I have been looking at a spot in my yard that needs cleaning up.  It requires moving some patio stones smoothing some ground and adding stones back and weeding. I look and know I can do the work.  I need to get this done. Everytime I look it just drains me of energy I can’t find the strength to do it, there limits.

Limits.  walls surround me and to be honest it pisses me off.  Sorry for the blunt crude talk.  I am limited in how much I can handle.  How much I can do, How much I can think, How much energy I can dispense, how much I can accomplish, how much I can listen, how much I can advise, how much I can love,how much I trust, how much I pray, how much I faith I have, how much I can Mother, How much I can help, how much I cry or don’t cry,  Today I cry, the walls that stop me make me cry today,   It’s like being a great hurdle jumper.  Gold medalist. and then the next time you run you hit every hurdle and they are cemented to the ground.

Its late I am tired and frustrated and feeling a little crazy

so now I will sleep and see what the morning brings

till next time………………

Tears like Rain


September and I put on track pants today!  I like track pants, comfortable, warm, casual, you can hang out and relax.  I need to relax, I am coming off a high stressful week – start up at school and it went well but it has been a hellish weekend.  I made it through the week but I didn’t survive the time off.  We had some drama in the house and between dealing with that and trying to get regular weekend stuff done I am frazzled.  I wanted some peace, just a little peace.  Everyone in this house tonight is tired from lack of sleep and grumpy.  I keep moving to other sections of the house in hope of getting away from people – they follow like my cat!!   Its been a difficult time, I had to give a presentation at church this morning about a group I belong with and the charity work we are doing.  As I presented what I wanted to say about why I wanted to be apart of this group, I became choked up and had to stop twice in order to get myself together to proceed.  I am very passionate about it and I took a breath and it caught in my voice and I am beside myself with embarrassment and shock that this happened.  I have said in other posts that I do not cry or hardly ever now, the meds seem to have sucked up those tear ducks dry.  This weekend I can’t stop. I started Friday night, before all drama between a teenage girl and her father, and here is it Sunday night and I am still crying.  I don’t know what has come over me.  Deep in my heart I feel such brokeness and I don’t know why.  I can’t seem to get passed it.

I know a good cry, like a good sneeze, is a good thing, and I have always loved a good sneeze but this feels strange and I am not sure why.  Maybe I analyze too much, I know I put too much pressure on myself.  I know that I have left myself in a open and in a vulnerable state a lot lately.  I have felt over the past months that my broken heart is on display. There are no secrets and I feel exposed.  Thinking about the word exposed brings up so many feelings, emotions, I am not sure how to sort them.  This feeling brings the tears again. I feel drained, I want to sleep for a week but am unable to.  That same old confusion comes knocking at the door, the darkness; that has been sitting in its chair for the past few weeks, has moved its chair closer, it just sits looking at this exposed heart and the tears that will not stop running.  The confusion greets the darkness and sit there like old friends in over stuffed chairs of a coffee house enjoying a latte and saying nothing — watching and nodding at each other like they know what they are each thinking.  As they sit in the darkness of a coffee house, I am clinging to the stool of a pato trying to sip a cool drink and soak up the light of the world.  Praying in my mind but the darkness and confusion smile at each other sarcasticly like “Ya that aint going to help”  So I Picture Jesus sitting on a rock with small children surrounding him.  You know the picture, looking so kind and in a beautiful white robe and smiling at the innocence of these little ones.  I picture myself crawling up upon his lap, and being a small child, laying my head on his chest and feeling his strong arms around me as a father would a child.  As a brother would one of his family, as a friend would his best friend.  Let the battle begin –again

I am trying to hold this image. —— till next time

A day or two or maybe a week…..


August 26 taking my son to College, that is 4 hours form home.  It’s been a trying weekend.  We have been very busy we had some work related social events to go to.  I am back to work and thus lots going on.  I have been fighting some depression twinges.  I have felt the darkness sitting across the yard, or the room or the office or where ever I have been.  It’s not sneaking up on me, its sitting there watching me.  It is sitting in a lounge chair relaxed and watching waiting, wanting me to drop my guard or my defences, any sign of weakness to approach.   I have turned my back on it.  Looking to the Lord to protect me, which I know will happen.  The Lord always protects me.  It’s my mind that lets me down and confuses me so I forget that God protects me.  That of course as I have said before, is the pitfalls of a chemically imbalanced brain.

I actually cried today watching my daughter jump on her brother and tickle him as she left for work and he got up to finish packing to move.  I cried again when he showed me the text she sent while she was on the bus to work.  Full of love and sentiment.  Gosh they really do love each other who knew!! (joke).  We are an hour away from the city he is moving to.  I have been sitting in the back of the van doing some  paperwork  for work.  Writing this blog. Thinking about life and things.  Like how the hell did this boy of mine get so old so fast.  When I brought him home from the hospital it seemed like yesterday and I walked around the house for house wondering what to do and then I thought I could put him down.  Maybe I shouldn’t have!  I put him down he grew, but this is what is suppose to happen.  It is truly all good and it is apart of his journey in life and my journey too I am not ready to let the change happen. We went to a party yesterday for my husband’s work, and we were talking to people who were there and they were talking about when they were born,  and I’m thinking darn it I was in school then—I have always been the youngest of groups how did this happen?  The process of aging.  It is something that sneaks up on you.  I still see myself as a young chick and I’m not in my 50’s so yes I am a young chick.  I am just having a change in life and maybe that is what is shocking me.  I have time away from kids and time with my husband.  The parents get older – of which my Mother is still alive and so I look at her and see the needs she will have in the future and see that maybe I will be busier than I think.  But there is another thing in all of this growing up and maturing I am also maturing my faith.  God has shown me he is with me in the good and bad and as I go through these changes in my life he is the constant; the never changing love and creator of life from the beginning, which he set, to the end which he will decide.  I am created loved and apart of a spiritual realm that I cannot explain.  As I think of this realm, I feel the love and warmth of God fill my spirit I am driven to discover know and understand more.  I can feel the darkness move his easy chair back a few feet away from me.  Its times like this when I am tired from lack of sleep and restless,  I am concerned that my son has all that he needs to spread his wings in life, that is when the doubts come and the darkness’ chair moves a few feet closer.  Did I do all I could have done to prepare this boy for this world.  Does he desire to be apart of Gods direction or his own.   Was there more that I could have prepared him for?  Doubts doubts doubts.  They swallow up all that is good and true and solid in my mind.

There is something that God has been revealing to me that I have been trying to understand and I am far from being there, but I think that people with depression can grasp this and handle it better than those who don’t.

Depression reveals a darkness that can pull at you and completely engulf you.  It shows you a dark realm that is at work looking for the weak to devour, and pull down. It is looking for new conquests, and if it does not get you the first time it will follow and try new tactics and try to confuse hurt and bully you into a state of panic.  But this real realm of darkness also has an opposite.  The Realm of Light.   Jesus said he was the light of the world. He was a beacon that reveals itself in the darkness so us dimwitted humans can see the light and follow him.  In the first chapter of John (where I have spent most of my studying this summer) talks about Jesus being with God in the beginning and a light to the darkness but the darkness does not understand.

In my darkest points of this depression I did not understand the light.  The darkness though is a little quicker than I and can easily confuse me into believing that the Light is loud, exposing and lacking love — when it is the darkness that are all these things and the light is love kindness truth.

Its the middle of the week now. The use of hand held divices has kept me connected with my boy and I am feeling better about that.  But the darkness has moved his chair closer today.  He is still just sitting watching I am occupying my mind and body with exercise and cleaning of the house.  I have not been sleeping this week, again!  And am at my wits end about that. Maybe tonight.  Its this sleeplessness that makes resisting the darkness so hard.  I become so tired and unable to think straight that I have a flight or fight feeling come over me and I want to run, where I could care less, but its what I want to do. Tonight however I am trying to relax.  Maybe my occupying of my mind and body has left me unable to relax. Tonight as I write this I am watching the slow rising of the full moon.  The full moon makes me happy.  My Grandfather used to say if you butcher a pig on the growing side of the moon your bacon will not shrink….ah ya I’m not sure about that too.  But a growing moon always makes me feel better… no idea why.

Forgive me for not writting in a while… summertime things have occupied my time I only hope that it has for you too.  In the mean time I will try to fight this darkness watching me and I hope you can too.

till next time…….

Holding my arms up to the Lord


Its been over a week since I typed anything.  The dinning room table got refinished, the hutch that didn’t match the table; now does thanks to a coat of paint and some paint treatments.  I went on a camping trip last week with some friends.  I managed to get some rest, some exercise and have a lot of fun.  I also managed to spend some time with a pastor friend of mine.  We sat for a long time and talked about a bible verse I have been wrestling with and we talked endlessly about my depression and how attacked I have felt and how hard it has been for me to deal with.  It was good and it was helpful and I left better.  I went to church Sunday morning and played in the youth band and my heart sang with great leaps and my spirit uplifted.  I gave flesh to my words but they were words of Praise and words of belief in the Lord Jesus Christ and the Creator of the world God himself.

Rereading this paragraph I think what a nice ending of a terrible horrible couple of weeks.  But I can’t say I am rejoicing.  Don’t get me wrong, I am praising God for delivering me from the darkness that I put myself in.  I am Thankful for friends and a wonderful husband  to support me. I am humbled by the thoughts from God that have come to me to open the verses I have not understood till now from the bible.  BUT.  There is always a but. As I rejoice in this wonderful place to be I know that this is not the end.  It is not over.  Today I stand in victory.  Tomorrow will be ok, and I may be fine for weeks.  But it will come again.  The darkness creeping up and the attacks again.  What a killjoy eh?  Don’t get me wrong I do appreciate, and love the place I am right now.  It is like falling in love only to have your heart-broken.  You repair the heart and someone else comes along and it is wonderful and lovely and you think this could be the one and as you consider giving your heart out again, you can’t help but remember the broken heart you just repaired.   Today my unfaithful mind is functioning, tomorrow??????????  This is the delema this is the thing that lurks around in the back of the mind.  Is there a next time? When is the next time? will it interfere with my plans, will it be something I can ‘t resist? Or will this be the time of a complete break down?

I think the only plan of action I can take right now, is to get together with my pastor and my best friend and pray.  I need time to prepare for the next time.  If the next time does not come great! but I don’t know for sure but I do know that in order to fend off the darkness I need to embrace the light and to build the wall around me in the name of the Almighty.

God be with my mind as I heal after the past few weeks of battling.  Help me to rely on you. Forgive my unbelief and continue to protect me.  You continue to teach me so much, continue to lead me, protect me, feed me, show me, so that I can walk in your ways.  And most of all I pray the prayer that never fails.  “In name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, may your will be done.”   Amen.

Till next time……………………….

New Week Smaller Demons


Last week was so exhausting.  It was hard to keep things together.  This week is all about me.  I started to refinish my dining room table two years ago.  I ran out of steam then, and decided to leave it for a bit.  I moved it outside yesterday and I should be done it by tonight.  I made a point of not rushing anything.  I went for a run, I ate some breakfast, I bought some groceries, cooked an amazing supper.  Everything I did I did slowly and dilibertly.  I actually managed to get some sleep Sunday night so Monday was great.  Last night I had an hour sleep and I can feel the pulling down of my spirit, but I keep reciting the same mantra “I am just tired at 2 have a nap.”

I managed to make it to church on Sunday I had told friends I would not, they were happy I came.  I didn’t want to, but Sunday I felt a drawing to the church so I went.  I asked my friend to sit beside me.  It seem silly, but last Sunday I was harassed by negativity, I wanted positiveness to surround me I wanted my friend who I knew was praying for me near, my protection, my shield.  God is my shield and should be my protection, but I am still wrestling with my unbelief,  I just wanted a flesh and blood friend beside me.  In the end I was feeling better somewhat at the end of the service and went home in a better place than before.  I guess that is the main thing.

I was told when I am in this down place I should not examine my faith.  This depression is such an ever-changing thing.  I have learned that it’s not a sadness, it is so far from just that I don’t see it connected to depression at all anymore.  I still feel my spirit being pulled down, but it’s so much more than that.  It is attacks.  When my spirit starts to be pulled down, I feel myself withdrawing from people.  I become afraid of them.  That is how it always begins.  Then the negativity starts.  The attacks of voices, your no good, etc, etc. then the questioning, I hear the songs, I hear the bible verses, the sermons I become confused and can not sort out right from wrong.  I can’t sort out truth from lies.  This causes me to become afraid and in cases like last week I have a bad anxiety attack.  It sucks your energy. You think and rethink everything.  You can’t remember things, I can’t talk.  I forget words and studer which only adds to the feeling of insanity, which adds the fact you are not yourself, you forget who that person was, and you belittle yourself more because you are not the person you thought you knew and around and around it goes. If is was only a case of sadness I could deal with just that.  It is a whirl wind like a dust storm. Thick of partials not knowing what  one speck is from another and  where or it should be.

So for today – cause I can’t think of tomorrow.  I will finish my dining room table.  I will make a good supper. I will try to have a nap and continue to ask God to forgive my unbelief.

till next time……..

 

From the depths


It has been a long week.  I had my first major anxiety attack in a long time.  I have had some twinges, some moments where I have had to talk myself down but this one was a pop the meds situation and it scared me, the thoughts going through my mind.  I almost checked myself into a hospital to be honest.  But my daughter left on a mission trip today for Panama and Thursday if I had done that she would have been majorly freaked out and I couldn’t do that to her.  So I called my neighbour who go to this restaurant every Thursday and invited myself and had my son drive me.  The kids were unaware for the most part what was happening to me but I had to get out of there and my husband was at a company golf tournament  Had I got in the van to drive myself I don’t think I would have stopped at the restaurant, I might have drove drove drove till I ran out of gas, I had a full tank.

So what was the trigger you may ask.  I don’t know I think it was building over time.  the previous week was a bit of a struggle, I blamed it on busy time at work.  This week I have been fighting a shadow on my back.  Its been there for days now.  I was doing VBS crafts this week.  I just did the crafts I didn’t teach them anything about the bible the craft/connection.  I didn’t believe it and I couldn’t say it and sound convincing so I left it.  I couldn’t even stand to listen to the music.  Every time they started I just cringed and the voices started up–” how can you listen to this, this is not really the truth– how can God be love when you are hurting so much”.  I had so many negative thoughts I could not stop.  But I was able one little victory – I didn’t voice them out loud, I knew what the voices wanted me to say but I would not say it.  But the thoughts, “walk away from his church, walk away from trying so hard, walk away from this delusion of saviour, love, truth, hope.  What is hope there is no hope just pain, death, struggle that is the real world.”  You can see how desperate the fight had become.

I asked my pastor to pray with me but couldn’t follow through – I felt foolish, and insane, and how do I say the things going through my mind.  Here in this format I can let it out, but face to face, out loud I am afraid I will totally give in. I kept thinking, First there was the word and the word became flesh–I didn’t want to add flesh to my words. I also didn’t want to be classed as insane, because that is pretty much how I have felt this week.  This week has also been a week of no sleep.  2 maybe 3 hours a night. I was doing VBS in the morning (only stayed to do the craft clean up and get the heck out of there) then working at my job from then till 2.  Cleaning up for next year.  I am officially done last friday, I now have a week to myself.  My daughter gone to Panama, my son working a 40 hour week, my husband still working too, then we go away for a week camping. It’s nice to have time to yourself but at the same time I am a little scared. I’m afraid of the extreme voices that came over me the past week.  I will fall back on our plan that my husband and I set.  I will (and I got heck for not doing it) call him at the first signs of losing it.  I didn’t last time cause he was 40 minutes golfing- what could he do from the 11th hole.  He is in his office this week and I promised I would follow the plan

I have no conclusions for this week… no Godly connections to make…. just an end of my writing for today.

Till Next time………………..

In the night


In the quiet of the dawn, it is when my soul relents.

It was the noise of the darkness that made it spent.

The dark things come out to play and dance,

it puts my heart into a  pant.

I do not want the darkness so close

but I can hide there closed in it most.

But there is no peace in the dark hidden places,

It is in the light that peace can be faced.

This tug of war between what I know and what I believe,

it is my good sence that takes its leave

To leave me to fight,

when I want to flight.

So in the quiet of the dawn before the birds morning song

I sit in a heap spent from the things that have gone on.

I neither look to God or to myself,

for I do not know my right from my left.

This is the hunting grounds of confusion


God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

This is the hunting grounds of confusion.  I am doing crafts for Vacation Bible School next week. How do I do this in the confusion of my mind.  The above vs is one of the verses I will be teaching and creating a craft for next week.  I read this and I think: I have been brought to my knees, and beyond in the depth of depression. I know others who have taken their lives or wanted to, or tried to– who suffer from depression.  How do you believe this verse.  These are the things that shake me, these are the things that confuse me.  I know God is love, I know he will not forsake me, but at times like this, how do you believe it.  In the depths of my suffering God has been there, but I was allowed by him to suffer.  Will it end or will I be forever stuck as someone two steps away from crazy, death, or instituionalized.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

God I am in trouble — why do I feel your back against me.  What am I to learn, what am I to know from this, what blessings or punishment am I supposed to get.  It is in these times I know you love me and you watch out for me, but it is at this time I feel like I am the only tracks in the sand as I walk through this dark day,  if you are carrying me, I do not feel it, for I feel face down in the sand.

“My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19

My needs! My needs are to feel sane, my needs are to not fall apart, my needs are to feel safe, my needs are to be normal, being able to handle my finances, to handle myself, to be functional, to not hide my breakdowns, to be the me I knew and others used to love, to not be the one people wonder or look at, or talk about as being weird, crazy and different.

I have a tatoo of the triune God symbol on the back of my neck.  This represents that God has my back.  On a night like tonight I feel like something has my back,  but it is not God, it is a darkness and I can’t shake it.

It is late tonight I will try to sleep …. pray for me that I do…… till next time….

till next time…..