This is the hunting grounds of confusion


God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

This is the hunting grounds of confusion.  I am doing crafts for Vacation Bible School next week. How do I do this in the confusion of my mind.  The above vs is one of the verses I will be teaching and creating a craft for next week.  I read this and I think: I have been brought to my knees, and beyond in the depth of depression. I know others who have taken their lives or wanted to, or tried to– who suffer from depression.  How do you believe this verse.  These are the things that shake me, these are the things that confuse me.  I know God is love, I know he will not forsake me, but at times like this, how do you believe it.  In the depths of my suffering God has been there, but I was allowed by him to suffer.  Will it end or will I be forever stuck as someone two steps away from crazy, death, or instituionalized.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

God I am in trouble — why do I feel your back against me.  What am I to learn, what am I to know from this, what blessings or punishment am I supposed to get.  It is in these times I know you love me and you watch out for me, but it is at this time I feel like I am the only tracks in the sand as I walk through this dark day,  if you are carrying me, I do not feel it, for I feel face down in the sand.

“My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19

My needs! My needs are to feel sane, my needs are to not fall apart, my needs are to feel safe, my needs are to be normal, being able to handle my finances, to handle myself, to be functional, to not hide my breakdowns, to be the me I knew and others used to love, to not be the one people wonder or look at, or talk about as being weird, crazy and different.

I have a tatoo of the triune God symbol on the back of my neck.  This represents that God has my back.  On a night like tonight I feel like something has my back,  but it is not God, it is a darkness and I can’t shake it.

It is late tonight I will try to sleep …. pray for me that I do…… till next time….

till next time…..


Its been a couple of weeks since I have written.  Take that as a good sign.  I have been feeling good.  I had a dip the other Thursday, I was on a fishing holiday, being with good friends was wonderful and it melted away.  Today is Sunday.  Happy Canada Day.  I am so tired.  I can not tell you how bad I feel.  I hardly slept last evening.  I had horrible dreams of evil and death and things I can not discribe.  I tossed and turned and eventually became scared to fall asleep. So I didn’t.

I went to church today — we have been out and about for a few weekends so its been a month or so since we have been there.  As I sat there I could feel the darkness slowly sneak up on my and crowd around my back.  It sapped my energy, it confused my mind.  I am in a state of …… I can’t even put words to it.  But I feel broken hearted, I feel confused, I feel like I am unable to concentrate.  The darkness hasn’t been around for a while now– I don’t understand why its here.  As I listened to the service and the sermon I was in a tug of war.  I was being gently lead to step closer to the light, and tugged to hide in the dark.  Its easy to hide in the dark, its easy to curl up give up and hide.  Just a few hours of sleep, some time alone.  Not to be found for the darkness drawnsyou in but there is no peace.  Just a constant stealing of your defences and you.  As the darkness came closer and closer I felt my defences decreasing.  It is this that scares me.  The dreams, the darkness and the confusion.  I fought;  I tried to fight.  I think in the end there was a stale mate.  I am still being hasselled as I write this.

The one lie that kepts going over in my brain is, if God is love he can heal you, but you are not healed so you are not worthy.  I am allowed the depth of this pain for a reason, I don’t understand the reason. If I could touch the hem of the cloak of Jesus I could be healed, like the women in the bible.  I feel like I am reaching– but in reality I am just waveing my arms in the air – blind – confused – and crazy.

Its just a wave a small set back, but if I reinjured a hurt that was purely physical, if I hurt a limb again it would heal because I would do the right things to heal it.  But when there are emotions envolved, you don’t know what to do, how to move forward.

I just hope and pray and meditate that this thorn will be taken away from me and it I am to learn something form it, I pray that I finally figure it out, before I finally lose my mind completely.

till next time…………………

Darkness

Darkness of Gods Hand


The book of Job, God allows all thatJob loves and holds dear on this earth to be destroyed.  So that God can show the devil that Job is a man of God and will not turn his heart or tongue against God.  Did he grieve, did he feel the pain of losing everything, yes.  Did he turn himself from God. No.  I feel that I would not do so good at not speaking against God. Oswald Chambers talks of being held in the darkness of Gods hand to learn how to listen.   It is in the depths of struggle we learn more about ourselves, I think, than at any other time.

I have been in that struggle lately.  It is a heart/head  struggle.  I have written lately of the pain of the negative voices that haunt me these days.  There is also a struggle of light and dark too.  It’s not just voices fighting against voices.   It is a struggle of pain and confusion.  I am struggling against a deep pain I do not understand.  I feel it deep within but not understanding its source.  This makes me confused and unsure of how or what I am feeling.  I was reading a book written by a christian woman who wrote about the promises of God and clinging to them when you are in that dark place.  I can’t read this book when I am in …. this place.  It’s hard to describe where I am.  It’s not dark nor evil.  I am on a plain neither knowing which way to go.  My left and my right look the same.  I do now know which way will lead me to God or away from God.  I don’t understand this pain in my heart.  I am confused about direction, scripture, understanding.  I do know God will not forsake me.  The longer I stand still on this plain the more I feel anxious.  I should be moving, I have to progress, but I am loss.  I continue to look left, right, slowly turning but not seeing anything– every angle looks the same.

Maybe  this is why I want to run, or turtle.  I should move, I feel to stay here is dangerous.  I feel there is something I should be understanding or get that will move or protect me or lead me, but its like I can’t quite grasp what it is.  A whisper I don’t quite hear or understand.

So today I stand here– feeling the depth of this pain in my heart, and pray that God open my ears to hear and my eyes to see, for I can not rely on my own understanding, or know which way to go.

Maybe that is the point

Till next time ……………………….

Oh cloudy day


Its Friday a day all people with Sat and Sunday look forward to.  Having a really bad day out of the blue.  (sorry for the pun I just realized it from last posts title and this post title)  I feel so out of sorts today.  I am shaky, which is interesting cause I haven’t been a long long time, and feeling anxious, to be honest I have one nerve left and every one wants to stomp on it.  Nothing has changed in the week.  Just another day, just another chemical reaction.   No darkness just sad, mad, (angry) physically hurting, and shaky.  Ugg

Dear Lord.

I know that all you do is good.  All you do is right. All you do is fair.

In this day I am not feeling good right or fair.  It is your strength and your love that I need in my heart.

I am weak but you are strong, so cover me over with your hand and keep me safe.

Lead me in your paths, take my hand.

I feel blind today, stumbling around like a blind, deaf,  lost puppy.

Oh Holy Spirit please take this prayer to God with Groanings from deep with in my heart

Cause there is no love no kindness only anger.

I put this into your hands cause mine hands can not handle this

Amen

Trying to Sing in the Dark


Lord are you there, Sometimes I can’t sence Your Presence.  This is the hard thing. The crushing darkness, the true test of faith. David spoke long about not feeling God‘s presence.  Many a Psalm starts out with a plea to God not to leave him. But many a Psalm also starts with a rejoice to the Lord.

This blasted thing, this depression has taken me to the depths I could not ever imagine and a darkness I never knew existed.  It has also shown me Love and Kindness from others and I have been; when I am having good days, to show gentleness to others I have never been able.  It is all opposites.  Last evening I didn’t want to be around people but my heart cried out in darkness and loneliness.  Today I don’t want to be around people – I took a sick day,  but I can’t wait to have my husband come home from work.  It has separated me from God yet brought me closer. I have been frightened out of my wits, and I have seen the end of life, or thought of the end of life, and yet given me so much more to live for.  Paths I have never considered, thoughts I have never thought, pain I never knew, and shame I have never known before, weakness I never knew could ever exist, weakness I never considered myself to possess and strength I never knew I could tapped into.

The thing I have to remember is that in the darkest of dark, in the loneliness of lonely, in the depths of my heart hurting that I need to ignore the feelings no mater how strong and crushing they are, I chose to trust in God.  Sometimes I utter it weakly, unbelievingly. Sometimes I say it in a loud bold voice.  sometimes I say it in fear.  But I say it and that is the point, I chose to trust in God

At times God puts us through the discipline of darkness to teach us to heed Him.  Song birds are taugh to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God’s hand untill we learn to hear Him…. Watch where God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? Then remain quiet….When you are in the dark, listen,and God will give you a very precious message to give to someone else when you get into the light………………Oswald Chambers

till next time…………………

Sitting on the ledge swinging my feet


March break is over and its Monday uck! Oh to be retired, I am nowhere near that age, I have lots of years of work yet, but I imagine what it would be like, Hmmmmmmm, nice.  It’s hard to come back to work when the weather is so warm and sunny.  It’s freaky that the weather is so hot when it is still winter.  I went to work with a sweater instead of a winter coat which would be normal.  I have been feeling ok the past week or so a moment of pulling back  moment of sadness, but it doesn’t last long and I am glad for that.  I am still having concentration issues.  I am not the multi tasker I used to be but that is a side effect of depression and its medication so it will one day disapate – I hope.  So I guess I am still sitting on my ledge,  with my feet over the side swinging in the breeze and I am listening to the birds of spring and seeing the flowers of rebirth all around me.  I went to church this Sunday and it was a great service.  I felt no attacks, no distraction, no problems.  I got to worship and enjoy the service, it gave me great peace.

I’m cured!  No, I know I am not.  I still have a strong desire to pull away and close off.  I still have a great desire to be alone and go away for a weekend somewhere by myself.  I fight those desires,  I try to take some time for me to enjoy some quiet time.  I run and that is good for an hour, I meditate and do yoga so that gets me some time too.  I need that time to sort my brain.  That seems to be the norm right now, that I need time to get my mind in order to do things.  Its small steps at a time.  I have found that my aggravation threshold is low, not a good thing for work, but I am getting by.

Positives.  Positives. Positives.  I am alive.  I walk everyday and pray, and see Gods creation in the birds that are singing their spring songs, seeing the earth give forth its colours and rebirth of nature.  I am here! I am not in the darkness, or despair of my life hanging in the balance.  I am working out.  I have managed for 4 weeks to work out on a regular basis, finally.  I have been enjoying most of it too.  I am eating, and eating right.   No junk food, cutting out caffeine, no drinking unless with a good meal on the weekends only.  I have been reading my bible more, and I have been attending church and enjoying the service.  It is nice to feel almost normal, or as close to normal as I have been for a while. So I guess you can say I am hanging my feet over the edge of the ledge kicking my feet in the breeze like a little girl would sit on a swing in the park.  Looking up to heaven and soaking in the sun, the warmth of God‘s Love and the promise of spring in the earth. Praise be to God.

Till Next time……………….

Looking the wrong way!


I have spent a week feeling better not back to normal but better.  I still feel like I am on muddy ground since the last wave of depression ripped through my life, but at least I am standing and not face down in the mud.  It was a tough go – as you know if you read my previous blogs.  When I do I can not believe where my mind takes me.  The depth that the mind can take you is unbelievable. The darkness that I felt and seen is something I still can not believe I have experienced.  The things I have put my friends through when I have been out of sorts is embarrassing and shocking, but with out them I could never have gotten this far.  I am sure the same thing can be said by those who go through any life changing event in their lives. I am sure that anyone suffering from illness, loss, or any other heartache can say the same thing.—  How did I get here? where do I go?  Will I ever be normal? Will the pain ever end?

My bible study group this past week we were talking about the holy spirit and the spirit of prophecy and how there are spirits that say they are from God but are not.  Their message does not match the bible’s message. A friend in the study group tells us about a book she read.  It’s a little book called Heaven is for Real, it is written by a pastor whose son almost dies but comes back.  The son is a little boy but comes back and start;s over time, saying all these things about heaven and what he experienced when he was on death’s door.  My friend says something that I wrote down but have been thinking about ever since.  She talks about when she prays she tries to picture what heaven must be like.  She thinks about the majesty of God’s throne and Jesus the lamb of God sitting at his right hand.  She thinks of the angels singing and the grandness of the place where the throne would sit.  This picturing helps her settle her heart so she can remember who she is praying to.  That God is the God of all and creator of the earth the heavens and universe, and all the answers to all things come from him.  There is reverence in her prayers.

It struck me how my prayers have been lately.  I have been side tracked by a tricky mind that lets me down sometimes, gets side tracked by fear and darkness and depression.  It reminds me of a movie the Radiers of the Lost Ark.  The hero ends up in a pit of snakes, and fights them off with a torch of fire.  He is concentrating on the thing he fears that he doesn’t see the bad guys sneak up on him and trap him  in the tomb with the snakes.  My prayers have been in fear.  Instead of looking to God and remembering and imagining what Heaven would be like I was concentrating on keeping my eye on the darkness.  I didn’t want it to sneak up on me but in fact it did– cause it would play tricks on me distract me and keep me from focusing on God so I could pray the prayers and give God the attention that he not only requires, but deserves.  Thank God for the Holy Spirit interceding for me so when I was not correctly praying to God the Holy Spirit could groan to the Lord the prayers I could not pray.  Our focus plays so much on how we do things.  Tonight is Sunday night I have a lovely relaxing weekend.  My house is clean, the laundry is almost done.  I cooked a couple of nice meals,  read a bit took a nap today, but tonight it is still early and I am really tired and I am thinking, is it friday yet? My focus for this week if I keep this attitude will be long and tough.  When in fact I have some neat things to do this week to prepare for the end of the week and I need to relax get some sleep and enjoy what is about to happen this week. God gave me a strong body, a good job and I need to enjoy my work, my home life, and not wish the week away.

So this week I am going to try to keep my thoughts and feelings and prayers on what is heaven like and who is God and Jesus.  And not on the darkness that hides like a spider in the corner of a room, but keep my eyes lifted away from the fear and my heart on God and his majesty where it belongs.

God Bless you — till next time.

Another week a little stronger


To say last week was tough- is an understatement! I am still not feeling like I am on solid ground but I am not on sand either.  I am better.  I was re-reading my posts from last week, what an unbelievable place I was in. Last week was not a wave it was a tsunami, however, tsunamis’ waters do pass on and eventually there is dry ground.   My ground is muddy but drying up.

I wanted to talk about this thing called depression.  (ya like all these posts are not!!) but from a different perspective.  A bible perspective.  Was there depression in the bible.  How do you not see it?   Think of every bible story you know. If you do not know find a bible and read.  King David who gave us so many psalms and writings that show us his ups and downs.  He also shows us his faults and sins in the books about his life.  He crys out for God from the pit, he praised him from there too.  He danced on the streets to show his love for God and he boldly spoke of a loving God who looked after him.  Much of David’s life was spent fleeing from someone trying to kill him. Hiding in caves, fighting great battles against all odds, like Goliath there was always a bigger foe to fight. Sometimes that foe was man, sometimes that foe was evil, sometimes that foe was in his own mind.  What I love about David was his great love for God and not afraid to show it.  He also showed us that God does and will prevail and God’s promises are never broken and true.  Jesus states a lot of his most important messages to us in the bible with the words” truly  I say to you.” God is truth, love, peace, joy, strength, and sometimes God’s truths are just covering you over for protection and fighting darkness when you have no strength to do so.  I am only human and incapable of doing anything with out God.  Some may say well you were doing things last week without God. You were suffering a breakdown without God.  You go to work and shuffle through the day without God.  truly I say to you, no. God gave me life, breathed in my breath.  I could not have made it through some of the pitiful days at work without God’s help.  I would not be here without God’s help.  In the pit I was in God protected me from evil, it was not a dark pit, just a pit that my chemicals in me lead me to.  God did not give me this chemical imbalance , this world and the chemicals in it caused me to be off. If I did not have God I could not have returned from the brink of darkness.  Without God I have no power to forgive, love, have relationships cause God is love and we love cause he first loved us.  As John 15 says, If I remain in Jesus and he in me I can produce good fruit.  That does not mean I will only do good things and only do what God wants me to do, sometimes it means that God protects us by remaining in us to fill us with him so the devil and his thoughts can not take us over.  Depression can blur those lines sometimes but in the end God’s got your back.  God always watches out for his children, and through Jesus I am God’s child and apart of the family.  Jesus died to make me God’s child so the void from the first sin of Adam which separated me from God needed to be bridged and the cross allows us to cross over (no pun intended) to God and be in his Glory, a forgiven child of his family.  By remaining in him and I mean praying, meditating and just continue to work on my relationship with him I am able to feel the Joy that God wants me to have and lead the life he wants me to live by listening to his quiet voice always leading me to a better place.

That is the joy of being a christian, having a loving father to care for me when I can not care for myself.

Lord Thank you for your forgiveness and constant attention to my needs.  When I was unable to praise or pray to you your spirit within me groaned prayers of needs to you.  You heard them and in my pain covered me over with protection and sat with me till the wave left.  Thank you for allowing me to be a child and crawl upon the lap of Jesus and sit with my head on his chest and just be.  Lord all these things I thank and ask for you the name of your son Jesus — Amen.

short post – it happens eh!


It has been a rush around week – meetings and large project at work and stuff after work.  I don’t know if I am overwhelmed, sad, tired or all of the above.  I think all of the above.  I could feel sadness crawling around me today.  Not bad, just enough to say – hey you bug off. I am not heading down that road tonight. I am home alone for a change and I  am planing some yoga later.  It will be a push for tha,t cause I feel like pouring a glass of wine and sitting in my bed and listening to sad songs and hiding.  Can’t, my family left a mess in the kitchen and I have laundry to finish so I must keep busy or I will lose myself to the voices calling.  There is a student at the hospital tonight one of our students from school on suicide watch. I want to go and talk to him.  The parents are blaming the situation on a minor incident at school but I don’t think they realize that if a teen is attempting it, it’s because he has been thinking about it for a while. I was at Sick Kids down town visiting another student who is going through cancer treatments.  Its a rough go for the father and son. I feel for them but  God is in control and I keep praying. I may go visit some more later.

I am not having a crisis of faith.  I know God is my centre, I continue to look to him to hold me and protect me and he does, and when I am unable to God covers me over to protect me.  But I get frustrated, frustrated with feeling down, frustrated because in my meditations God keeps telling me to heal the broken-hearted and I don’t know how.  frustrated with a couple of people at work that irritate me.  I am frustrated that sometimes I can’t control my temper or my mind or my body, how am I suppose to help others. I know the answer to all these things I know I should quiet my soul and meditate on Gods word and give it all to him, complete surrender, I know I should tell the negative voices to go away and resist the devil and all his ways.  Tonight I am tired, and the negative voices know I am tired and are pulling at me. I know I need to let the frustration go and seek the Loving God I have, and trust him to show me his way, in his way and in his time.  But sometimes its like being on a diet in a chocolate factory the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  Sometimes they both are weak.

So tonight I will finish my chores, pick up my daughter from field hockey and then my son from his part-time job and try to ignore the brokeness that is trying to drown me, resist the urge to drink a glass of wine and eat something.

Good night!

Post # 40 “just saying”


Shaky shake.  I have been riding a good wave. Feeling good haven’t really exercised I have put on a couple of pounds all my troubles are far behind.  Then yesterday happened.  I went for apt # three with my therapist.  I felt like I was slipping early in the day.  I felt like I wanted to cry but could not.  I got to my apt and we sat – I sat on the couch again- she beat me to the chair.  Darn! We talked for a bit.  I had printed an email I had sent to my pastor describing what I go through when I start to slip, and the depression hits.  I wanted him to understand my progresson and understand how I fight and how hard it is, I also figured as a pastor it would give him insight into the secret world of the mind during depression.  I had homework to do from when I left last time; to gage my sadness and there wasn’t much to say cause I felt good last week.  However she asked me to read the letter.  I did, then I started to shake, I started to cry and freak out. I don’t know if it was a panic attack or anxiety or what it was.  I do know I lost my composure, had to look into those puppy dog eyes and try to pull it together. I didn’t happen.  We talk some more I get my next assignment and sent on my way.  I don’t go back for two weeks.

So what do I think of this?  I don’t know what to think.  Part of me feels like a failure, I know that is the dark voices talking.  Part of me says I am doing all the right things just hang in there.  Part of me feels embarrassed and less than who I used to be.  I haven’t eaten in two days.  I cook but to look at food makes my stomach turn, I go for a walk. I forced  myself to eat an egg tonight.  Tomorrow – who knows.

The sadness creeps in, the loneliness just sweeps my heart away.  I don’t want to feel this way.  The darkness is closer this time it hasn’t been for a while but it is tonight.  I feel empty.  When I feel like this I think of my friend’s son who killed himself a year ago now.  How empty he must have felt that night.  How lonely was his heart. How sad his soul.  I can feel the path he traveled to get to his end.  I also know that Jesus was there to hold him and save him.

I have hid myself in my room tonight. Reading, some yoga which stretched some muscles but gave me no peace.  So I write this blog and pour out my pain.  Today I shake badly, I haven’t shook that much in a while and it was never-ending.  I could feel it come from the centre of my being.  I was very anxious and a little snappy at people.  People that came to my desk I was ok with on the phone was a different thing.  I email my husband who is on the road.  I text my best friend who is a very busy person and doesn’t need to be bothered at work I don’t want to be a burden but I just want to have someone care.  I feel like no one cares- that is the lie that the devil wants me to buy.  I resist but its hard.  I know the Lord has blessed me with wonderful people in my life.  This weekend I am going away with my best friend from school.  It will be wonderful I have not told her about my depression, so as we do a wine tour in Niagara and sit up all night in our hotel room talking and talking I will confess my downfalls.  But all in all God has been good to me.  Even if my heart cry out in pain and opposes what my soul tells it. My mind hides in the darkness with its hands over its ears so it can’t hear and hands over its eyes so it can’t see while the heart and soul fight for victory over the body.

So where is my God in this.  Where he always is.  At my right hand at the ready when called upon to help me.  So I Praise the Lord for he is Love and Good.  I denounce the devil and all his ways in the name of Jesus Christ the son of God. And I ask that my shepherd keep me in his pen so I can be safe from the wickedness that taunts me and ask that Jesus keeps calling my name so this sheep can hear him and follow.  Amen

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