Trying to Sing in the Dark


Lord are you there, Sometimes I can’t sence Your Presence.  This is the hard thing. The crushing darkness, the true test of faith. David spoke long about not feeling God‘s presence.  Many a Psalm starts out with a plea to God not to leave him. But many a Psalm also starts with a rejoice to the Lord.

This blasted thing, this depression has taken me to the depths I could not ever imagine and a darkness I never knew existed.  It has also shown me Love and Kindness from others and I have been; when I am having good days, to show gentleness to others I have never been able.  It is all opposites.  Last evening I didn’t want to be around people but my heart cried out in darkness and loneliness.  Today I don’t want to be around people – I took a sick day,  but I can’t wait to have my husband come home from work.  It has separated me from God yet brought me closer. I have been frightened out of my wits, and I have seen the end of life, or thought of the end of life, and yet given me so much more to live for.  Paths I have never considered, thoughts I have never thought, pain I never knew, and shame I have never known before, weakness I never knew could ever exist, weakness I never considered myself to possess and strength I never knew I could tapped into.

The thing I have to remember is that in the darkest of dark, in the loneliness of lonely, in the depths of my heart hurting that I need to ignore the feelings no mater how strong and crushing they are, I chose to trust in God.  Sometimes I utter it weakly, unbelievingly. Sometimes I say it in a loud bold voice.  sometimes I say it in fear.  But I say it and that is the point, I chose to trust in God

At times God puts us through the discipline of darkness to teach us to heed Him.  Song birds are taugh to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God’s hand untill we learn to hear Him…. Watch where God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? Then remain quiet….When you are in the dark, listen,and God will give you a very precious message to give to someone else when you get into the light………………Oswald Chambers

till next time…………………

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Sitting on the ledge swinging my feet


March break is over and its Monday uck! Oh to be retired, I am nowhere near that age, I have lots of years of work yet, but I imagine what it would be like, Hmmmmmmm, nice.  It’s hard to come back to work when the weather is so warm and sunny.  It’s freaky that the weather is so hot when it is still winter.  I went to work with a sweater instead of a winter coat which would be normal.  I have been feeling ok the past week or so a moment of pulling back  moment of sadness, but it doesn’t last long and I am glad for that.  I am still having concentration issues.  I am not the multi tasker I used to be but that is a side effect of depression and its medication so it will one day disapate – I hope.  So I guess I am still sitting on my ledge,  with my feet over the side swinging in the breeze and I am listening to the birds of spring and seeing the flowers of rebirth all around me.  I went to church this Sunday and it was a great service.  I felt no attacks, no distraction, no problems.  I got to worship and enjoy the service, it gave me great peace.

I’m cured!  No, I know I am not.  I still have a strong desire to pull away and close off.  I still have a great desire to be alone and go away for a weekend somewhere by myself.  I fight those desires,  I try to take some time for me to enjoy some quiet time.  I run and that is good for an hour, I meditate and do yoga so that gets me some time too.  I need that time to sort my brain.  That seems to be the norm right now, that I need time to get my mind in order to do things.  Its small steps at a time.  I have found that my aggravation threshold is low, not a good thing for work, but I am getting by.

Positives.  Positives. Positives.  I am alive.  I walk everyday and pray, and see Gods creation in the birds that are singing their spring songs, seeing the earth give forth its colours and rebirth of nature.  I am here! I am not in the darkness, or despair of my life hanging in the balance.  I am working out.  I have managed for 4 weeks to work out on a regular basis, finally.  I have been enjoying most of it too.  I am eating, and eating right.   No junk food, cutting out caffeine, no drinking unless with a good meal on the weekends only.  I have been reading my bible more, and I have been attending church and enjoying the service.  It is nice to feel almost normal, or as close to normal as I have been for a while. So I guess you can say I am hanging my feet over the edge of the ledge kicking my feet in the breeze like a little girl would sit on a swing in the park.  Looking up to heaven and soaking in the sun, the warmth of God‘s Love and the promise of spring in the earth. Praise be to God.

Till Next time……………….

Sitting on a ledge


I spent this weekend stickless, I wasn’t holding on to a twig, but I wasn’t sliding down the mountain. I have a tiny foot hold on a small ledge. I was out with co-workers and friends friday night and it was nice to be out and seeing people.  Saturday night I had our best friends over for a causal dinner and it was a wonderful time too.  These people are so special to me, and we were doing some summer planning which lifted my mood, thinking of summer is always a lift. 

Sunday I didn’t go to church.  It was something I decided the middle of the previous week.  Maybe that was wrong, maybe it would be better to be in the shadow of the cross at the front of our church, I needed sometime.  I sent my family, my husband was upset but I needed some quiet time.  My husband was convinced I was sliding down the mountain but in reality I was on my ledge getting a grip so to speak.  There is turmoil and no peace from being in church.  Wednesday’s lent service I was being hit hard by negative spirits that were poking at me and I was sliding down the mountain and they were kicking me when I was down. There was too much going on I could not get myself together.  I needed to have some time to sort out the negative voices and the whispers of God.  I needed to find some peace, I needed some space.  So even though my husband didn’t want me to I stayed home I sat quietly for a few hours with a cup or two of coffee and prayed, thought, and tried to come to a peace about it. I think I came to a working place that I can continue forward. 

One of my thoughts again come to illness.  The realization of the illness I have, not that that is new news to me, but sometimes it is surreal to me.  The flipping of emotions and moods is exhausting and the fighting to keep saine is something that I have a tough time day after day.  I was reading an article about a lady that endured pain every day and how she handled it and gave it to God everyday and how she dealt with it.  I don’t belittle this womans brave fight.  I can understand how it could bring her down and the emotional rollercoaster she is on.  But if my hand or my leg hurt I could isolate the hand or leg.  When its your mind there is no distance between how you think and the pain that you feel.  Then there is also the physical pain that goes with the depression.  It’s a hard thing anyway you look at it.

So this week I am trying very hard to trust God in this journey, I am trying very hard to be patient cause he asked me to.  I am trying very hard to ignore the negative voices and let God deal with them.  And I am trying very hard to listen to God and find peace.  Till next time from my little ledge.

Did someone hear a Crack?


My twig is cracking, I have been holding on for dear life but the twig is starting to crack – it is preventing me from sliding down the mountain I have been sliding down for a while.  I am looking wildly for a larger twig to grab but I can’t seem to see one.  I have been praying, I have been trying to keep my eyes up focused on God.  Sunday I dipped low and I was telling myself,  “I look to the hills from where does my help come from, It comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.” I am trying to keep my concentration on God.  Its hard the mind is a storm of thoughts.  Today is Monday and I don’t have a whirl of thoughts I am just numb, no thoughts, no energy just numb.  I think this must be what its like to be high on drugs.  You feel nothing, you think nothing.  One of my readers said that you always  feel like you are crawling out from under something.  That is how I feel.  I get though this day, the next day it falls upon me, I crawl out again, but the dirt and grim of the last crawling never comes off.  The heaviness of it never leaves totally. The line from Shakespeare comes to mind “Out, damned spot! out, I say!” , Macbeth, 5.1 .  The spot of darkness never leaves, the spot of confusion, the spot of illness, the spot of numbness, stays upon my heart and mind.  I guess that is why it is hard to reach beyond the depression.

The soul and heart and mind are intermingled, and where is the line between? The line is a blur.  My heart will feel down cast and my mind try to cheer it up.  My soul cries out for God to come near, and he does but the mind is looking the other way, it can’t take its eyes of the grieving heart who is wondering where the mind, it knew and loves has gone.  The mind is confused and has forgotten to cheer up the heart, it barely remembers the heart and soul. The mind is caught in a storm like a feather in the wind.  God’s spirit, the Holy Spirit whispers in the wind to so the heart, mind or soul will hear it.  The Holy Spirit sits tight and still available to tell the thoughts of God and receive the inner crying of the soul, heart, and mind to take its deep groanings to God in prayer.  And the storm continues, the heart stays bruised, the soul cries and the mind flutters in the wind.  The Spirit is ever near, protecting from the evil and waiting for the mind to see and the heart to feel, and the soul to stop crying.

So tomorrow I start drug #3 hormones, and we will see what happens from there onward.

Lord I continue to pray for your forgiveness and protection, you have told me patience, but I am human, I don’t do patience well but Lord you know what is best for me and you know why I am going through this and I hope and pray that all these experiences can help those who go through this to have hope.  For God you are my only hope and I thank you for all the hope you give me.  Praise be to you Lord. Amen

Another week a little stronger


To say last week was tough- is an understatement! I am still not feeling like I am on solid ground but I am not on sand either.  I am better.  I was re-reading my posts from last week, what an unbelievable place I was in. Last week was not a wave it was a tsunami, however, tsunamis’ waters do pass on and eventually there is dry ground.   My ground is muddy but drying up.

I wanted to talk about this thing called depression.  (ya like all these posts are not!!) but from a different perspective.  A bible perspective.  Was there depression in the bible.  How do you not see it?   Think of every bible story you know. If you do not know find a bible and read.  King David who gave us so many psalms and writings that show us his ups and downs.  He also shows us his faults and sins in the books about his life.  He crys out for God from the pit, he praised him from there too.  He danced on the streets to show his love for God and he boldly spoke of a loving God who looked after him.  Much of David’s life was spent fleeing from someone trying to kill him. Hiding in caves, fighting great battles against all odds, like Goliath there was always a bigger foe to fight. Sometimes that foe was man, sometimes that foe was evil, sometimes that foe was in his own mind.  What I love about David was his great love for God and not afraid to show it.  He also showed us that God does and will prevail and God’s promises are never broken and true.  Jesus states a lot of his most important messages to us in the bible with the words” truly  I say to you.” God is truth, love, peace, joy, strength, and sometimes God’s truths are just covering you over for protection and fighting darkness when you have no strength to do so.  I am only human and incapable of doing anything with out God.  Some may say well you were doing things last week without God. You were suffering a breakdown without God.  You go to work and shuffle through the day without God.  truly I say to you, no. God gave me life, breathed in my breath.  I could not have made it through some of the pitiful days at work without God’s help.  I would not be here without God’s help.  In the pit I was in God protected me from evil, it was not a dark pit, just a pit that my chemicals in me lead me to.  God did not give me this chemical imbalance , this world and the chemicals in it caused me to be off. If I did not have God I could not have returned from the brink of darkness.  Without God I have no power to forgive, love, have relationships cause God is love and we love cause he first loved us.  As John 15 says, If I remain in Jesus and he in me I can produce good fruit.  That does not mean I will only do good things and only do what God wants me to do, sometimes it means that God protects us by remaining in us to fill us with him so the devil and his thoughts can not take us over.  Depression can blur those lines sometimes but in the end God’s got your back.  God always watches out for his children, and through Jesus I am God’s child and apart of the family.  Jesus died to make me God’s child so the void from the first sin of Adam which separated me from God needed to be bridged and the cross allows us to cross over (no pun intended) to God and be in his Glory, a forgiven child of his family.  By remaining in him and I mean praying, meditating and just continue to work on my relationship with him I am able to feel the Joy that God wants me to have and lead the life he wants me to live by listening to his quiet voice always leading me to a better place.

That is the joy of being a christian, having a loving father to care for me when I can not care for myself.

Lord Thank you for your forgiveness and constant attention to my needs.  When I was unable to praise or pray to you your spirit within me groaned prayers of needs to you.  You heard them and in my pain covered me over with protection and sat with me till the wave left.  Thank you for allowing me to be a child and crawl upon the lap of Jesus and sit with my head on his chest and just be.  Lord all these things I thank and ask for you the name of your son Jesus — Amen.

They are only thoughts! Not actions


I had been feeling good- note past tense took a tumble today – I felt it yesterday – I thought I was just  tired and busy day but I knew. I knew that I was heading in a direction I didn’t want to go.  I have been putting on a brave face today working hard being distracted but it swallowed me up this afternoon.  I took my anxiety drugs and I tried to let them work.  I’ve had thoughts today- first time thoughts.  It was the first time I thought of “what would happen if I took a double dose or a triple dose of these drugs”- do they really make a difference or are they sugar pills designed to just make me feel better because I took something.  I am feeling very anxious and I have been trying very hard to fight an anxiety attack today. The interesting thing about taking more drugs as the thought rolled around my mind – and it did for a while – I never considered others.  It was such a singular thought.  If I did this how would I feel? Would it harm me? What if I took them with a good bottle of wine what would that feel like?  I never thought hey if I did do this my children would be effected my husband would be effected I thought of no one else, no one crossed my mind.  It was a curious thought. Why didn’t I think of anyone else? It shows me how when some one is considering suicide that there is no “we, they, us, family, parents, friends;” just a singular me.   It flores me that a life of relationships and I have some special ones when you fall in such a hole can put blinders on you so you don’t feel them, only the pain that is all consuming .  That is what shocked me today.  You feel nothing.  I should have been outraged at the thought- I should have immedatly got down on my knees and prayed. I just rolled around my brain like the last pea in a veggie pot.   It was suductive, sneaky, and unfrightening.

Don’t call 911 I am not going to do something – It was a thought just a thought.  I am still shakey, and anxious and Iam going to try some yoga and meditation to calm me and see if I can climb out of this hole. I told my husband how I am feeling and even though he is working really late tonight he will call in and check on me and I am not alone my daughter is here.

So what now – pray, read my bible and trust that God will keep safe.

short post – it happens eh!


It has been a rush around week – meetings and large project at work and stuff after work.  I don’t know if I am overwhelmed, sad, tired or all of the above.  I think all of the above.  I could feel sadness crawling around me today.  Not bad, just enough to say – hey you bug off. I am not heading down that road tonight. I am home alone for a change and I  am planing some yoga later.  It will be a push for tha,t cause I feel like pouring a glass of wine and sitting in my bed and listening to sad songs and hiding.  Can’t, my family left a mess in the kitchen and I have laundry to finish so I must keep busy or I will lose myself to the voices calling.  There is a student at the hospital tonight one of our students from school on suicide watch. I want to go and talk to him.  The parents are blaming the situation on a minor incident at school but I don’t think they realize that if a teen is attempting it, it’s because he has been thinking about it for a while. I was at Sick Kids down town visiting another student who is going through cancer treatments.  Its a rough go for the father and son. I feel for them but  God is in control and I keep praying. I may go visit some more later.

I am not having a crisis of faith.  I know God is my centre, I continue to look to him to hold me and protect me and he does, and when I am unable to God covers me over to protect me.  But I get frustrated, frustrated with feeling down, frustrated because in my meditations God keeps telling me to heal the broken-hearted and I don’t know how.  frustrated with a couple of people at work that irritate me.  I am frustrated that sometimes I can’t control my temper or my mind or my body, how am I suppose to help others. I know the answer to all these things I know I should quiet my soul and meditate on Gods word and give it all to him, complete surrender, I know I should tell the negative voices to go away and resist the devil and all his ways.  Tonight I am tired, and the negative voices know I am tired and are pulling at me. I know I need to let the frustration go and seek the Loving God I have, and trust him to show me his way, in his way and in his time.  But sometimes its like being on a diet in a chocolate factory the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  Sometimes they both are weak.

So tonight I will finish my chores, pick up my daughter from field hockey and then my son from his part-time job and try to ignore the brokeness that is trying to drown me, resist the urge to drink a glass of wine and eat something.

Good night!

Post # 40 “just saying”


Shaky shake.  I have been riding a good wave. Feeling good haven’t really exercised I have put on a couple of pounds all my troubles are far behind.  Then yesterday happened.  I went for apt # three with my therapist.  I felt like I was slipping early in the day.  I felt like I wanted to cry but could not.  I got to my apt and we sat – I sat on the couch again- she beat me to the chair.  Darn! We talked for a bit.  I had printed an email I had sent to my pastor describing what I go through when I start to slip, and the depression hits.  I wanted him to understand my progresson and understand how I fight and how hard it is, I also figured as a pastor it would give him insight into the secret world of the mind during depression.  I had homework to do from when I left last time; to gage my sadness and there wasn’t much to say cause I felt good last week.  However she asked me to read the letter.  I did, then I started to shake, I started to cry and freak out. I don’t know if it was a panic attack or anxiety or what it was.  I do know I lost my composure, had to look into those puppy dog eyes and try to pull it together. I didn’t happen.  We talk some more I get my next assignment and sent on my way.  I don’t go back for two weeks.

So what do I think of this?  I don’t know what to think.  Part of me feels like a failure, I know that is the dark voices talking.  Part of me says I am doing all the right things just hang in there.  Part of me feels embarrassed and less than who I used to be.  I haven’t eaten in two days.  I cook but to look at food makes my stomach turn, I go for a walk. I forced  myself to eat an egg tonight.  Tomorrow – who knows.

The sadness creeps in, the loneliness just sweeps my heart away.  I don’t want to feel this way.  The darkness is closer this time it hasn’t been for a while but it is tonight.  I feel empty.  When I feel like this I think of my friend’s son who killed himself a year ago now.  How empty he must have felt that night.  How lonely was his heart. How sad his soul.  I can feel the path he traveled to get to his end.  I also know that Jesus was there to hold him and save him.

I have hid myself in my room tonight. Reading, some yoga which stretched some muscles but gave me no peace.  So I write this blog and pour out my pain.  Today I shake badly, I haven’t shook that much in a while and it was never-ending.  I could feel it come from the centre of my being.  I was very anxious and a little snappy at people.  People that came to my desk I was ok with on the phone was a different thing.  I email my husband who is on the road.  I text my best friend who is a very busy person and doesn’t need to be bothered at work I don’t want to be a burden but I just want to have someone care.  I feel like no one cares- that is the lie that the devil wants me to buy.  I resist but its hard.  I know the Lord has blessed me with wonderful people in my life.  This weekend I am going away with my best friend from school.  It will be wonderful I have not told her about my depression, so as we do a wine tour in Niagara and sit up all night in our hotel room talking and talking I will confess my downfalls.  But all in all God has been good to me.  Even if my heart cry out in pain and opposes what my soul tells it. My mind hides in the darkness with its hands over its ears so it can’t hear and hands over its eyes so it can’t see while the heart and soul fight for victory over the body.

So where is my God in this.  Where he always is.  At my right hand at the ready when called upon to help me.  So I Praise the Lord for he is Love and Good.  I denounce the devil and all his ways in the name of Jesus Christ the son of God. And I ask that my shepherd keep me in his pen so I can be safe from the wickedness that taunts me and ask that Jesus keeps calling my name so this sheep can hear him and follow.  Amen

r

Good Wave: Hang Ten!!


A week – 7 days, 168 hours, 10 080 minutes, If you sleep 7 hours a day you sleep apx. 49 hours per week 2940 minutes, you are awake 7140 minutes/ week, 119 hours per week, 16 hours a day.
So why the calculations: not to show off my math skills,  but to show movement of time.
A week ago I thought no one loved me
A week ago I sat alone in my hot tub, crying
A week ago I didn’t attend my prayer group, cause I could not pray
A week ago I was refusing to eat
A week ago I was hiding in my bed room from my family, and the world
A week ago I couldn’t read my bible because the words were greek to me.
A week ago I slept maybe 2 to 3 hours a night
A week ago I sat in a bible study on the Holy Spirit,  believing more in the darkness than in the wisdom of the Spirit.
That was a week ago.
This week:
I finished picking a therapist and I am going next Tuesday.  I cleaned my house, cooked a supper and ate it.  I am planning a run tonight.  Last night I slept 6 hours (haven’t done that in weeks)  I read my bible today and today it was english.  I prayed this morning, with the ease and flowing of Spirit.
I am on a wave; a good one.  I almost feel like me and normal.  I (dare I say) feel happy!
Why the difference? Your guess is as good as mine.  The depression is chemical so I guess I am in a good chemical state this week.  I feel like I am stepping out of my house after a horrific storm and the flowers are blooming and the sun shining.  I’ve come to realize I haven’t written much about the good waves, I felt it was necessary to discuss what you do when you are good.
  So what do you do with them?
When my kids were babies, and they napped for an hour or two, in that time I could move heaven and earth during a nap time.  So what do I do in this good wave?  First, I breath, take in the peace and allow it to sink deeply in my soul.  Second, Praise God that he is faithful and loving.  Third – do everything you can think of, while the good wave is here. Its like making the most of a Great Weather Weekend.
Most of all and the most important after Praising God– work on your relationships.  My husband, my rock.   My kids, and  especially my best friends.  So many times these loves have seen me at my lowest, I want to share the normal with them so I can enjoy them and they can enjoy me.   I am a very blessed person, God gave me special friends, a fantastic husband and teens that I don’t want to kill every week.  (just kidding, I have great kids)  Praise the Lord and Thank You God for these special people.
On the days I had asked God to cover me over with his wing like a mother hen, He did.  When I listened to the yelling darkness in my mind, God protected me and whispered truths in my ear.  While I was broken and weary and ready to turn my back on my church, my God, and throw in the towel.  God pulled me on his knee and held me.  He lifted my load and waited till I was ready to receive his peace.
Coming out of a bad wave – my heart feels like the Grinch– it grew three sizes.
Psalm 94 17-19  Unless the Lord had given me help I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.  When I said “My foot is slipping”  your love, O Lord supported me.  When anxiety was great within me your consolation brought joy to my soul
 Poem:
I look to the Heavens and see the stars.
  Where did they come from?
My ears ring from the silence.
  When did the wind stop?
My face is try from raining tears.
  What happened to the water?
The whispering mist and morning pinks.
I breathe! I live!
My breath and heart move as God had set it.
I am a live after the storm
Battered, bruised, but not broken
I am loved, adopted, and saved
Praise ye the Lord.
So I continue on, on this happy wave, hanging ten and loving the reprieve of heaviness, return my hearts love to normal, build my relationship with God and prepare for the next time- there may not be a next time– there maybe many next times.  But I will prepare, enjoy, pray, read, love.

Hedley – Invincible- Wishing


Took a long hard look, at my life.
Lost my way, while I was fighting the time.
A big black cloud, stormy sky.
Followed me, while I was living a lie.
So heartless, so selfish, so in darkness, when all your nights are
Starless,
You’re running outta hope.
But I found the strength inside to see, found the better part of me,
And I’ll never let it go.

Its been along week of struggles.  Lonely, down, fighting the darkness and lost.  The words of Hedley’s song describes my heart and the darkness that is there.  The video when he is standing still in the storm and rain is how my spirit feels.  I have conceded that I need counseling.  I can not do this on my own.  I feel so helpless and besides expressing how I feel here in writing I desperately need someone to talk to and help me deal with the darkness that is haunting me, I do not feel invincible. I feel anything but, but this song inspires hope.  I am in the process of interviewing councilors at a local agency to find a good fit.  I have come along way in getting over my embarrassment of this illness.  It is an illness and besides the drugs I need some therapy, cause if I am going to live with this and it will soon be a year of drugs and living in fear and darkness.  I have to be able to cope.  I thought this was a temporary thing, here today gone tomorrow, its not that; the months go by and the months go by; I’m ok, I’m down, it isn’t ending soon and who knows when.   The hardest struggle is putting on the poker face everyday to say that I am ok, nothing wrong, I am doing fine.  Some days it takes all my strength to push through the day.

There are good days – every day is not like this past week – it comes in waves, this wave I’m on is bad, the next wave will be good.  But I keep waiting for the shoe to drop when the good wave comes.  It is that fear that rips me apart.  A couple of weeks ago it was great, I was feeling pretty much normal – feeling almost like myself. When I feel the slip coming on, I fight it, I will not fall this time, I will not let the negativity and loneliness grab me.

Its like running.  The day is perfect you start to run your thinking-ok let’s do 6 km, then you get to 4 and you think ya I can push this I can to 10.   At 8 you are feeling I can do 12 you go, you go, you go, and then, you start to crash, and you push and push and think I will not let my body dictate what, and how I will feel.  But your body and your mind separate. One wants to, the other says No Way.

So where is the Lord in all this.  Where is my God – and why do I need a therapist to talk to instead of God?  Those are tough questions.  They deserve good answers.  I don’t have the answers.   The loneliness and isolation I feel is a good reason to talk to someone.  I am in the midst of looking for a Christian therapist so I will have a God discussion.  Here is what I do know.  If I believe in anything I want to believe in truth.  I do know every word in the bible is truth and it is that truth I hold onto.  God is Love and it is that love I need to hold on to, to survive another day.  Still why the therapist?  I don’t trust my grip.  The dark words are relentless.  Think of it this way.  God is always there he holds me when I don’t know, he is always beside me waiting for the asking – He is polite, good and perfect forever.  Darkness is pushy, rude, and relentless.  Darkness does not wait and ask you, he attacks like a robber.  God is always waiting for us to ask for his help to build a relationship with us.  Darkness does not want a relationship it wants to devour you and will dress itself up anyway it can to draw you in.  The therapist is my buffer in keeping myself on track.

This is my prayer, this is my hope, it is also my fear.

till next time