Tag Archives: God

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Easter Monday


Its Easter Monday and I have had a great weekend.  I spent Friday with my Mom, Saturday with my husbands Mom, and Sunday with my best friend and her family.  We are so close her kids are like my kids and my kids like hers.  It was great to have both families together around the dinner table.  All our kids are teens so that was a feet in itself.  We talked and talked and laughed and ate; it was the perfect way to spend Easter Sunday, I can’t think of a better way to spend it. I love this family.

Today, I feel tired.  My son was nice to share his cold, yuck.  I have been feeling a little off today too.  Not depressed, maybe a little sad.  Definitely lazy.  It’s not a wow I had a busy weekend tired, just an ongoing tired.  It takes so much effort to do anything.  And I am tired of it– ya at attempt at humour but bad I know.   It takes a lot of effort to do anything.  some days are better than others but to work out, clean the kitchen, laundry, getting dressed in the morning even stay awake during my lunch hour at work, I had no idea that this was such a part of depression.  I have projects I need to complete here.  I have a half-finished dining room table that needs its finish sanding and a stain.  It has been half done for two years now.  I look at the project and see a huge mountain I can’t finish.  It isn’t I have done larger projects this is nothing really.  I used to be a force to be reckoned with.  Big multi tasker and able to move mountains, I am not moving too much these days. Being tired and my mind works at a different speed now.  I am not able to keep things straight in my head, organized.  I have to write everything down, I can’t keep things together.

One other thing that is physical.  My back.  I have lost my strength in my lower back.  I have always had a extremely strong core.  It is totally gone.  someday it hurts to a point that I think that there must be something seriously wrong with it.  I have never felt this way.  I have never lost strength.  It’s not a lesser strength feeling.  It is a no strength at all feeling.  Some times it is a sharp to the point I have to sit or lay down.

The other thing that I have been feeling is a lack of emotion.  I get excited about things.  I was excited on Sunday to spend Easter Sunday at church and to spend the day with our friends.  I was really excited about that.  But there is this little wall around me.  Just a barrier that seems to separate me from other things.  I can’t describe it I can’t name it.  It’s just a thing that is there.

I don’t want this to be a complaining post.  I am just stating that there are some physical and mental obstacles that are never discussed much.  As for the darkness and negative voices, I have not felt them, and that has been a blessing.

It has been a year this month that I have been writing this blog.  I have gone from ever crowding darkness, loneliness, agony, and pain.  Confusion and paranoia, anger and depths of depression and dark holes I would never wish on anyone.

The meds seem to have brought me to a better place.  I am not done messing with the drugs.  I will not for a while.  I am experimenting with this hormone drug.  Its been almost 12 weeks that I have been on it.  It has made a difference.  I will reassess in three weeks with my doctor to see where I am.

The one thing that has not changed, but has drawn me closer is God‘s Love.   God has taken this time in my life to show me that he is God and he Loves me and always has my back.  In prayer he has taken the darkness away from me.  He has given me options with my Doctor and give me very supportive group of friends and family. Praise be to God and Amen for all he has given to me.

So as I end this post I am still adjusting to this illness, I am starting to get control at least I think that I have some control.  But most of all I am here another day and I will continue to fight, the best I can.  Till next time……………..

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Wind has picked up!


The weekend has come and gone, another run around weekend taking my son to open house at his college for next year, running my daughter to field hockey tournament.  My house is a disaster, but that is the price of having kids and a life.  That is what I keep telling myself.  If I had no life my house would be clean and tidy all the time, but I have a life and that is why it looks like hurricane Hazel has gone through.  The only thing if a hurricane went through why do I still have tumble weeds from the cats losing their winter fur, they should have blown through.  If it were so easy.

 I have been struggling a bit this week.  I can ‘t say I have dipped or fell,  I am still sitting on my ledge however the wind has picked up and don’t feel safe sitting out there kicking my feet.  I have my back against the wall hoping the wind dies down.  I haven’t been sleeping again,  I slept so well a few weeks ago, I miss my old friend- sleep.  Sleep is such a temperamental thing.  You think about it all day “I’m tired”  “oh my pillow is going to feel so good when I get home.”  You look forward to it all day the then you lay there blinking at the ceiling thinking –Seriously!  Then the pillow finally gets really soft 20 minutes before the alarm goes off.  Uggg!  I am taking a mental health day this week.  I have a day when the students don’t have school so I am calling in to take a day to sleep and get myself together, and clean the house.  Woe to the child or husband who messes it up!

I was talking to a friend who also suffers from depression, we were discussing the ins and outs of what this disease entails.  First off the Doctor appointments.  The never ending follow ups.  Did this work? Add this med, take away that med.  The running to the pharmacy for prescriptions to be filled.  Remembering to preorder so you don’t stand around Shoppers for half an hour.  The putting yourself together.  Some days it easy to get up and get dressed and go out the door confidently.  Some days it takes all my strength to crawl in the shower.   The days your brain is confused the time it takes to sit and sort out the thoughts.  The lies from the truths, the emotion from the issues.   The days you feel like running away or hiding.  The days you really don’t want to deal with people, cooking supper, shopping, life.  All these things takes effort, organization, being on top of it.   The process is almost depressing!  I know bad joke but it is.  

The emotional side of things;  you feel out of sorts, you feel like a freak, you feel like you are less of a women, you feel like you have lost your mind.   You feel like you have a disability.  You feel that people don’t take you seriously.  “Oh she just has to brighten up lighten up”  I have learned over time not to care what people think.  I don’t tell certain people not because I am ashamed, but because they are unable to understand or empathize, or basically have a clue.  I don’t have the time to worry about them,  I am too busy keeping it together. 

On a positive note, my eating habits have gotten better.  I am eating healthier.  I have been making an effort to exercise often.  I try for 5 days a week, with a variety of options.  I have gotten back to running and biking.  I will soon try biking home from work again like I did last year, which is a good work out.   So things are getting there.   I just have to keep on top of me and schedule the workouts so I don’t get lazy and give up.  To give up is so easy.

What about God in all of this??? I read  a line this week that went :  “The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.”  God has my back always.  Sometimes I need to remember to lean on Him and not my own understanding, strength, and will.                   Amen.

till next time………………………………………..

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Sitting on the ledge swinging my feet


March break is over and its Monday uck! Oh to be retired, I am nowhere near that age, I have lots of years of work yet, but I imagine what it would be like, Hmmmmmmm, nice.  It’s hard to come back to work when the weather is so warm and sunny.  It’s freaky that the weather is so hot when it is still winter.  I went to work with a sweater instead of a winter coat which would be normal.  I have been feeling ok the past week or so a moment of pulling back  moment of sadness, but it doesn’t last long and I am glad for that.  I am still having concentration issues.  I am not the multi tasker I used to be but that is a side effect of depression and its medication so it will one day disapate – I hope.  So I guess I am still sitting on my ledge,  with my feet over the side swinging in the breeze and I am listening to the birds of spring and seeing the flowers of rebirth all around me.  I went to church this Sunday and it was a great service.  I felt no attacks, no distraction, no problems.  I got to worship and enjoy the service, it gave me great peace.

I’m cured!  No, I know I am not.  I still have a strong desire to pull away and close off.  I still have a great desire to be alone and go away for a weekend somewhere by myself.  I fight those desires,  I try to take some time for me to enjoy some quiet time.  I run and that is good for an hour, I meditate and do yoga so that gets me some time too.  I need that time to sort my brain.  That seems to be the norm right now, that I need time to get my mind in order to do things.  Its small steps at a time.  I have found that my aggravation threshold is low, not a good thing for work, but I am getting by.

Positives.  Positives. Positives.  I am alive.  I walk everyday and pray, and see Gods creation in the birds that are singing their spring songs, seeing the earth give forth its colours and rebirth of nature.  I am here! I am not in the darkness, or despair of my life hanging in the balance.  I am working out.  I have managed for 4 weeks to work out on a regular basis, finally.  I have been enjoying most of it too.  I am eating, and eating right.   No junk food, cutting out caffeine, no drinking unless with a good meal on the weekends only.  I have been reading my bible more, and I have been attending church and enjoying the service.  It is nice to feel almost normal, or as close to normal as I have been for a while. So I guess you can say I am hanging my feet over the edge of the ledge kicking my feet in the breeze like a little girl would sit on a swing in the park.  Looking up to heaven and soaking in the sun, the warmth of God‘s Love and the promise of spring in the earth. Praise be to God.

Till Next time……………….

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Puppy Love


Its been a week or so since I last wrote.  It’s March break so I am having a break, the school closes so I don’t have to work.  My husband took a couple of days off -today is his first back to work.  I am on my own today-well I do have our two teens home.  Not that I have seen much of them over the past few days.  Our girl has friends she has been hanging out with and our boy has been working or hanging out with friends so its been me and my husband.  I am grieving the thought of our kids moving out and spreading their wings, I love them and we have a lot of fun together.  Even though they are spreading their wings, they still need us and we need to tune in our listening skills and read between the lines more so see how they are feeling, what they are doing.  On the other hand, then it will be just me and my husband, sometimes that can be a stressful thing in a marriage.  If the past 4 days is what it’s going to be like when the kids are gone.  It will be ok.  I am very lucky to have a wonderful, supportive, loving man, and after 23 years of being together we still act like teens with puppy love.

Its been 3 weeks on the new hormone drug.  I am still suffering from the side effects of it.  It comes and goes.  I have been really tired.  I have slept in the past week more than I think I slept in the whole month of January, complete with 1 hour or so naps. On the good side of it I sleep, for the past 7 months sleep is an illusive thing, like holding water in your hands it usually slips right through my fingers but lately I have been sleeping. I have also been working out more.  When I finish this I am going for a run today- its sunny and 17 celsius out there today – for March break in Ontario Canada– that is unusual, but I am not complaining! Even though it is still technically winter still, spring has sprung and it is supposed to be 20 on Saturday!   I have not been down, I have had moments in the past month where I have needed time alone to sort the mind and the things it is saying.  I have had moments of anxiety but not long-lasting.  The usual things are just moments, and don’t last very long. There are things I still can’t do, my husband still has all the money, and looks after other things too.

I seem to be in a reprieve for a bit.  I feel a bit more stable this week than I have in the past.  The past months I have been sliding down the mountain, but I found a ledge and I am still sitting on it.  I am trying to enjoy the view from here instead of looking over the edge and being terrified.  God has been creating beautiful sunrises for me and showing me his promises in the sky. God has been showing me love, and putting people around me that are full of love.  I have felt him drawing very close to me.  I have felt His strength and comfort.  I still have voices trying to break it down, but I have found if I sit real still and quiet and allow God to whisper I can overcome the voices.  Its been a moment of peace, and as much as I am enjoying it, I can’t help but wonder when the next fall will be (negative voices) I am trying to stay in the moment and maybe that is the trick.  Hold on to the moment as long as it lasts enjoy the sunrises and keep in prayer for the best.

Till next time………

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Sitting on a ledge


I spent this weekend stickless, I wasn’t holding on to a twig, but I wasn’t sliding down the mountain. I have a tiny foot hold on a small ledge. I was out with co-workers and friends friday night and it was nice to be out and seeing people.  Saturday night I had our best friends over for a causal dinner and it was a wonderful time too.  These people are so special to me, and we were doing some summer planning which lifted my mood, thinking of summer is always a lift. 

Sunday I didn’t go to church.  It was something I decided the middle of the previous week.  Maybe that was wrong, maybe it would be better to be in the shadow of the cross at the front of our church, I needed sometime.  I sent my family, my husband was upset but I needed some quiet time.  My husband was convinced I was sliding down the mountain but in reality I was on my ledge getting a grip so to speak.  There is turmoil and no peace from being in church.  Wednesday’s lent service I was being hit hard by negative spirits that were poking at me and I was sliding down the mountain and they were kicking me when I was down. There was too much going on I could not get myself together.  I needed to have some time to sort out the negative voices and the whispers of God.  I needed to find some peace, I needed some space.  So even though my husband didn’t want me to I stayed home I sat quietly for a few hours with a cup or two of coffee and prayed, thought, and tried to come to a peace about it. I think I came to a working place that I can continue forward. 

One of my thoughts again come to illness.  The realization of the illness I have, not that that is new news to me, but sometimes it is surreal to me.  The flipping of emotions and moods is exhausting and the fighting to keep saine is something that I have a tough time day after day.  I was reading an article about a lady that endured pain every day and how she handled it and gave it to God everyday and how she dealt with it.  I don’t belittle this womans brave fight.  I can understand how it could bring her down and the emotional rollercoaster she is on.  But if my hand or my leg hurt I could isolate the hand or leg.  When its your mind there is no distance between how you think and the pain that you feel.  Then there is also the physical pain that goes with the depression.  It’s a hard thing anyway you look at it.

So this week I am trying very hard to trust God in this journey, I am trying very hard to be patient cause he asked me to.  I am trying very hard to ignore the negative voices and let God deal with them.  And I am trying very hard to listen to God and find peace.  Till next time from my little ledge.

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Broken


I have in hand a broken stick,

I am sliding down beneath the earth.

The open-pit to swallow me up.

My anger rages on.

Who will stop me,

Who will care.

I made a huge mistake

in sharing my pain.

I see only eyes of pity

Eyes of avoidance

Eyes of disguss.

I am tired of the pain I feel

I sit in the pew hoping to feel God

I only feel the rush of voices tearing my heart in two.

I shut off my phone, I shut my door.

No more to go.

For it is better to hide,

then be put to shame

Better to stay home , than be criticized

For there is no love out there.

For it is my pillow who holds me tight.

In the sleepless nights.

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Did someone hear a Crack?


My twig is cracking, I have been holding on for dear life but the twig is starting to crack – it is preventing me from sliding down the mountain I have been sliding down for a while.  I am looking wildly for a larger twig to grab but I can’t seem to see one.  I have been praying, I have been trying to keep my eyes up focused on God.  Sunday I dipped low and I was telling myself,  “I look to the hills from where does my help come from, It comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.” I am trying to keep my concentration on God.  Its hard the mind is a storm of thoughts.  Today is Monday and I don’t have a whirl of thoughts I am just numb, no thoughts, no energy just numb.  I think this must be what its like to be high on drugs.  You feel nothing, you think nothing.  One of my readers said that you always  feel like you are crawling out from under something.  That is how I feel.  I get though this day, the next day it falls upon me, I crawl out again, but the dirt and grim of the last crawling never comes off.  The heaviness of it never leaves totally. The line from Shakespeare comes to mind “Out, damned spot! out, I say!” , Macbeth, 5.1 .  The spot of darkness never leaves, the spot of confusion, the spot of illness, the spot of numbness, stays upon my heart and mind.  I guess that is why it is hard to reach beyond the depression.

The soul and heart and mind are intermingled, and where is the line between? The line is a blur.  My heart will feel down cast and my mind try to cheer it up.  My soul cries out for God to come near, and he does but the mind is looking the other way, it can’t take its eyes of the grieving heart who is wondering where the mind, it knew and loves has gone.  The mind is confused and has forgotten to cheer up the heart, it barely remembers the heart and soul. The mind is caught in a storm like a feather in the wind.  God’s spirit, the Holy Spirit whispers in the wind to so the heart, mind or soul will hear it.  The Holy Spirit sits tight and still available to tell the thoughts of God and receive the inner crying of the soul, heart, and mind to take its deep groanings to God in prayer.  And the storm continues, the heart stays bruised, the soul cries and the mind flutters in the wind.  The Spirit is ever near, protecting from the evil and waiting for the mind to see and the heart to feel, and the soul to stop crying.

So tomorrow I start drug #3 hormones, and we will see what happens from there onward.

Lord I continue to pray for your forgiveness and protection, you have told me patience, but I am human, I don’t do patience well but Lord you know what is best for me and you know why I am going through this and I hope and pray that all these experiences can help those who go through this to have hope.  For God you are my only hope and I thank you for all the hope you give me.  Praise be to you Lord. Amen

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Still holding the twig


I found the twig as I slid down my mountain and managed to hold on to it for a few days now.  I have managed to take two breaths.  My mind seems to have some clarity everything was mush last week I didn’t know what was right or wrong. This week is a bit better.   Yesterday was Ash Wednesday , a year ago I was in a ball on the bench in church.  A cloud of darkness had surrounded me and the more the pastor spoke the more my mind screamed.  I could not understand the words it was garbled and it all made no sence.  When the service was done I ran from the church to my house.  I was scared, dark, alone, deep in a pit where there was no light, no hope.  yesterday was different.  I was able to be apart of the service.  I could hear the words, I could pray with the congregation.  I spent a heartfelt time in God‘s home and was able to pray the secrets my heart that need to be told and ask for forgiveness.  Now the hard part forgiving myself.

As I was preparing for the service I was fasting and praying.  I have struggled with eating disorders over the past year.  I have gained the 15 pounds I lost and according to my Mom I look better,  being so skinny I was losing my good looks.  Mom’s got to love them!  I could go days without eating when I hate myself.  But Wednesday I was fasting as a preparation for the service to help me focus on God my Father and to focus on his majesty.  It was so hard!  It was interesting. The devil when he tells me the lies he wants me to believe; that my mind when I am sliding into depression grabs so easily, convince me that I am unworthy of loving myself and loving others.  To deny myself food or to indulge in alcohol is so easy.  When I do it for God it is so hard.  The devil will pick at me to give in because the flesh is weak.  But my mind is stronger this day so I could do it.  Tomorrow?? I don’t know – this is what bothers me the most. The uncertainty of it all.  The inability to trust myself, and the easiness to punish me for its instability.  This depressions ups and downs also makes my friends look at me one way or another.  They  gage, is she good or bad.  Sometimes I think people avoid me because it’s too much work to figure out where I am and what they can do, which makes them feel helpless.  So they avoid you or shun you because they are uncomfortable, which makes the isolation feelings that comes with depression even stronger and you slide a little deeper a little farther down the mountain.  I am not saying it is everyone else’s fault I feel I need to pull away or I my mood falls down.  It’s just an observation, no blame being laid.

So what else has been happening in my life.  Well maybe I am my own worst enemy.  My daughter is heading to Panama for a mission trip.  We are fund-raising and getting all the paperwork completed for her to go so that is one issue.  The second issue is she needs some shots before she goes so I have to make those appointments.  My son is off to college in the fall so I am in the process of getting him retested for his learning disability so he can get the services from college he needs. That is a lot of work and he also needs to be spending some time on applying for scholarships, more paperwork.  Then to make things even more interesting I applied for a new job at a new school.  More responsibility and a new situation so I will have so much to learn, if I get it.  I must be nuts.

So starting next week I am trying a new drug.  It is hormone related and we will see how it goes so many things to organize and then a new drug in the mix.

Lord I need you help here, help me get this all together and help me to proceed and get it all together.  All these things  I put into your hands Lord because  I know I can’t do it.   Amen

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Holding a twig


Over the past few weeks I have been sliding down this mountain, sometimes slowly, sometimes fast, but sliding down just the same.  I felt for the first time today that I finally grasped something as I have been sliding, it feels like a twig. The twig is holding and for the first time in weeks I feel like I can at least get a breath.  I have been all over the map.  Deeply depressed, sad, despair, lonely, anger, very paranoid.  The emotions are all self explanatory but the paranoia is not me thinking that someone is out to get me, or people are talking behind my back or anything like that its more a case of love.  I know paranoia is not a product of love but maybe I should say lack of love.

Let me start back a ways to explain this.  A year ago or more when this all started, I didn`t know what was happening to me, my daughter who is 15, thought I was having issue with her, not the demons in my mind.  She thought I hated her and started to act out because of this misbelief.  Over time I told her what was happening with me, once I figured out what was happening with me, and as she became more used to me and my ups and down she began to see it was all me, not her, and she became more comfortable with her and loved herself more as she saw my illness progress.  In the end over the past few months, she has drawn very close to me.  She talks to me about everything, and hugs me endlessly, we watch movies together, and she has been a great source of love and it has been a great comfort to me.  My husband has been the same way taking over things for me, helping me, talking to me.  Both of them love me so much and have been loving me so much that I can’t believe how wonderfully blessed that God has been to me.

So my paranoia stems from my lack of love for me.  Around and around and around you go where you stop no body knows.  This is the problem; I feel good, I fall down.  I feel like I almost have things in control and them I don`t.  I feel like its my fault.  If the hand does not work is it my fault.  Well if I abuse it yes, but arthritis or something else; no, not my fault.  The mind is so personal, so close, I feel like I have let myself down, and its been a long time since I can say  I love myself.  It’s hard to fathom that a chemical imbalance can effect the personal relationship you have with yourself. I loved chemistry in college and when I think of the interaction of chemicals in a experiment, its hard to add soul, body and mind to a chemical, he I am.

I went for a run today, well its been a long time since I have run so I am back at the beginning again,  But I shuffled really fast and got a good work out.  In that mind clearing exercise,  the Lord popped a thought into my mind, well actually a bible vs.  I can`t name the chapter or vs but it goes like this.  “The Lord so loved the world that he gave his one and only son to die for us.” I stopped running started walking.  What did that mean?  God so loved the world, he loves each and every one of us way more than I can love my children or husband or best friends, because he created love and we are made in His image so our love could never ever be as complete and solid as His because we are also full of sin which He is not and therefore our love is tainted with imperfections. But the Lord so loved us, US because he created us that he gave his son, his blood, a part of his spirit, to die. For the purpose of us coming close to him.

I have been doing things over the past months, not because I love me, but because I hate me.  My family and friends love me.  As my best friend said today `I am a big fan our yours and you have  lots of fans` It dawned on me that when I have been doing things that I have had the mind-set of doing them cause I don`t love me.  Don`t eat fattening things or anything cause you are not worthy.  Not don`t eat fattening things cause you love yourself and it’s not good for you.   A glass of wine complements a fine steak, because you love the tastes.  Not, drink the bottle cause you are a mess and it soothes the pain, and in the end do not actually taste the food or wine and you miss the experience of a good meal.

God gave us so much, to love us.  Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice because he loves us, and for my mind cause he loves me.  How can I disrespect my Lord by refusing the sacrifice he made for me for the love of me, and not love myself.  It was a Gobsmacking thought.

Here is a good example of how far in left field that depression can take you, or the demons of depression can take you.   This is a gobsmacking thought!  When did I stop loving myself?  how did this happen?  I ran a half marathon, you don`t train up for something like that if you don`t like yourself.  I guess somewhere in the drugs and chemical imbalance it happened.  I can`t think when, but I know I am in the process of trying to correct this.  Today and right now I feel the love from my family and friends, and God, so distinctly that I can say for sure I like myself today.  Tomorrow maybe I will fall in love with me, maybe I will still be at like, I hope I don`t fall back into hate.  Cause hate gives the devil a playground and I am tired of those games.

God Bless

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Mountain climbing in Reverse


I am texting a friend of mine, I am trying to explain my mind, my feelings.  I have been pulling back from people.  I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to see me, I don’t want people to see me.  I skipped a lot of things I was to go to last week.  The best way to describe this is I am sliding down a mountain, grabbing onto what every I can to slow me down, stop me, but I can’t get a grip on to anything.  Or just can’t get a grip.   I have been better about not drinking — except Valentines night we had a nice bottle of wine between me and my husband it was nice.   I have been up and down this week.  It didn’t matter what time a day or what day I would be down on my way to work, the next day I was ok and sank at lunch or mid afternoon or at night.  So this week I was at my doctor and I brought my husband to help back me up and give his views on what is happening.  The doctor asked lots of questions.  She and he had a great discussion about me in front of me – it was weird.  So we try something else.  She is keeping me on my antidepressants, but adding some hormone drugs to the mix to see if it evens me out.  It is chemical and menopausal so this could work.  Two things however, I don’t want to be on more drugs that is concerning but its a guessing game and that is more concerning.  On the doctor shows you see the doctors say well let’s try this –oh that doesn’t work let’s try that.  Oh well that didn’t work sorry about the side effects lets try this now.  Mean while I feel like a mac truck hit me.  Bottom line is this is how you find out what will work for you, we are all different, and there is the rub.  Sometimes the cure is worse than the illness, sometimes the cure magnifys the illness.

The second part of the doctor apt.  This is the one that scares me.  I have struggled so hard over the past few weeks, I can’t seem to get my head above water. Its gone as far as bugging my friends and getting reassurance that A.  Iam not crazy and B.  they still love me.  My pastor, my friend  I am sure is sick of doing this, but my mind is mush and I don’t know what the hell is going on he is emailing me reassurance that I am not losing it.  My best friend did the same thing earlier in the week.    If this new thing doesn’t work then its a psychological evaluation for me at a psychologist.  Just reading this sentence — its like what the heck!  I have felt crazy at times I have felt out of control.  This is unsettling.  Maybe I am crazy.  The thing is I don’t know how to feel about this.  It’s a bit of a jump ahead of the game, but it is part of the plan, for down the road.

I haven’t started the new drug, I will start in a couple of weeks so in the mean time I have time to research and I see the doctor with my daughter tomorrow so I can ask some more questions. I feel like I am in left field, blowing in the breeze.

Dear Lord, you know how hard I have fought, you know how sometimes I have not tried at all.  The fight has worn me out and I have not had the energy to fight.  But you Lord, You have always been the constant and true to me and your word.  You have always stood by me and keeps me safe.  Lord you know what is right for me, help me to make good decisions and help me find the answers to be come well.  Dear Lord in the name of your son Jesus Christ I put this and all the groaning of my heart and spirit in to your hands.  Amen.