Tag Archives: Jesus

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Happy Thanks Giving


Canada just celebrated Thanks Giving this weekend, it was an amazing weekend.  The weather was hot and sunny.  I sat in my back yard for a couple of afternoons in my bathing suit soaking up the sunshine. Swam in my pool – not so warm, but we relaxed, ate some good food, stayed up too late, and hung out.  All the things you are suppose to do on a long weekend.

So how did my depression do- well I have to say that it did pretty good.  I am quietly optimistic that the side effects are calming down and today even though I am tired, they are calm.  To be honest I am afraid to say it out loud cause they have been good.  I suffer from dizzy spells, and a little shaking ( it never goes away) but all in all I am feeling better.

That is an easy statement to say when you are feeling good.  You can climb any mountain, forge every stream!! Tomorrow I may be face down in a dark hole, but today I bask in the light.

I have been reading a book lately that has been discussing God and life and hardships.  As we go through hardships; and lets face it there is no life, that doesn’t go through hardships, the more we trust God the easier it is to go through them.  God never causes the hardships.  God never orders pain. We suffer from things that are usually our (humans) cause.  Cancer is caused by the chemicals we are putting in this world.  A fatal car accident is caused by a mistake or a drunken driver, or some decision made by someone who causes other things to domino. A break up in marriage is cause by the couples failure somewhere in the relationship.  My depression is caused by chemicals in my brain misfiring.   This world is unpredictable, unsettling, never constant, ever-changing.  What can we count on?  God created every human being and animal on this earth.  God created everything that has breath. We can count on the fact that God made us out of love for us, as his children.  We can count on our reconciliation with God through Jesus‘ death on the cross.  We can count on every word in the bible as truth, and a history of man kind and our Lord. We can count on the Prince of darkness to be eternally jealous of the devotion and love we give God, and will try to trip us up at every chance he gets, and blame God for it every time. But best of all when we screw up, when we are in trouble or when we suffer setbacks and illness and every suffering heart, Jesus cry with us and God uses our bad situations for his good.  He does not wait to punish us or exploit a bad situation.  But he uses bad situations to show us his Love and power, and teach us to love and trust him more.  Have you ever learned anything from having it handed to you?  Has a relationship gotten deeper when everything goes well all the time?  Do you know your true friends when you party with them or when you cry with them?

In this journey of depression, I have had the rug pulled out from under my feet when I never saw it coming, and knocked out cold.  I have taken some large steps forward in my relationship with God.  I have also learned to trust him and I have learned things about myself I never knew before, and I have learned who my true friends are and that they are Great true friends.  In order to do this God slowly showed me each step of the way, what was truth and what was darkness masquerading as truth.  He showed me not to be afraid, and how to listen to him.

Pain and suffering is like a pearl.  In the oysters world a grain of sand is an irritant.  It causes pain in the oyster but over time it creates something beautiful from the trouble.  God takes our pain and troubles and uses them as an opportunity to build a relationship with him and take us to a new level of commitment and love – if we allow him.  God never said there would be no pain in this world.  He did say we would never face it alone. We have the Father, Son and Holy Spirit to guide protect and lead us in this troubled world.

Till next time God’s Blessings

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Depression and Death


It’s the first week of October and its been a tough one.  I work  for a High School in the office.  I work the front desk, I am the face of the school the first contact and I have a lot of contact with the students.  I live in a large city and there are several High Schools near by.  At two different High Schools we have had two 17 year olds who committed  suicide.  Depression related. My heart breaks for these students families, because they are planning funerals instead of where these kids are going to school next year.  One did it on Monday the second on Tuesday.  I spent most of the day talking to students who were their friends about what depression is like and how dark it is, and that the voices that they were hearing no one could break through. These students are young and dramatic and I don’t think they understood, but I listened and listened and consoled the best I could.

So what do you say? I can tell you what I didn’t say.  I didn’t admit to anything.  I would never tell people that I understand that darkness, that these students faced.  I didn’t tell them that I have seen the road that they traveled down, heard the voices calling down into the darkness.  I have felt the desperation, the loneliness, the isolation of that kind of darkness. How close it has come to me.  It has sat on my back for a day taunting me keeping me in a state of panic, till I could not resist anymore and it smothered me. How that night my husband came home and saved me.  The darkness and its lies are strong.  When you face them and need to fight them it’s not a “lets brighten up ” moment.  It’s a Godly intervention type of moment.  Where you need the prayers of the saints and someone to take your hand and save you.  There is no strength, there is no will, that type of fight, takes it all out of you to the point where you don’t fight, you die.

But for these two boys, they did not die alone.  They may have planned it that way, they may have thought they were totally alone.  But Jesus was with them.  In John 15 Jesus says” though you did not choose me, I choose you” and “You are no longer servants I call you friends”.  Psalm 23″ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me”.  Jesus went with these boys.  A shadow can only be cast when there is a light.  Death is the shadow, God is the light. Jesus made it possible to pass from the dark to light. Jesus said on the cross “forgive them for they do not know what they do”  He was praying to God to forgive the men who were murdering him.  But I think this prayer to his father is also for these two boys for they were surrounded by the darkness and they did not know what they were doing.

If you suffer from depression you can only resist the darkness with the power of the light.  You can only resist the temptation of depression and the voices and the negativity with help from the God who loves you.  We can not do it with out him. If you know someone with depression, be alert.  Anything sudden, mood change from dark to happy or the other way, any thing that makes you stop for the slightest second and wonder where they are heading.  Stop them, be with them, talk to them or maybe just listen.  It may be the life you save.

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October – believe that fall is here.


It’s the first week in October.  Its cold, I wore a leather coat today.  It is inevitable that winter is coming.  I was born in Canada this isn’t a new thing to me – fall/winter.  But I don’t like being cold, but I am a farm girl, a Canadian girl, grew up in the snow belt, so no more whining about cold – I will suck it up- buy a sweater.

What is new in the life of depression.  Well, two weeks or so on the new drugs and some of the side effects have disappeared.  When I first took them half way through the morning I felt numb, my brain was in a fog.  That seems much better this week.  The shakes, well even they seem a little better.  The anxiety, well still working on that one.  We were to a friend’s place for dinner Sunday night I was doing good for the first half of the night and started to feel my heart pounding and jittery, so I took an anxiety pill and survived over dinner but when we got to desert I was starting to slip.  My husband noticed and told me the little things he does to lift me up.  I was getting tired and I had enough of being with people.  There were 8 of us and I was done.  But we soon left after that.  I went home took my anti-depressant pill in bed by 10:30 awake by 3 am but did manage to get back to sleep this time for an hour or two.  I went to work feeling clearer, a good sign.  I went shopping after work for new dress pants.  I wore some on Sunday that were horribly large on me.  I love those pants but I must have some alterations on them they are a size 4 I bought a nice dress pant size 2 today.  Since my dr. apt a few weeks ago I have lost a little more weight.  I am eating a little more some days.

I have been beating myself up over my weight loss and the lack of appetite and seeing it as a huge sin and on Sunday God and I separated it.  I saw this huge wall that I couldn’t get around.  I was hurting my body and saw that as a sin and yet the darkness I was holding on to.  Sunday God and I separated it.  It is not a wall between me and my father.  It is a condition, caused by first the medication.  I am not hungry, the meds suppress appetite, not my fault.  I eat and I don’t feel well afterwards, to the point of feeling like I could throw up ( I have never done that).  So fear of being ill and the pain of eating keeps me from eating much.  As for God it is the darkness that wants me to believe that it is a wall between me and God. God showed me this weekend that he is separate from that.  My lack of eating and loss of weight that I saw as a sin and keeping me from Gods love, forgiveness, joy.  As I looked at the cross at the front of the church and looked at how smooth and even pretty it was, unthreatening.  I thought about what the cross that Jesus hung on looked like.  Two pieces of  rough wood, large spikes through his hands and feet and how he separated himself from God, the pain the agony the death.  Why? so I could come closer to God, so God and I could have a relationship.  Jesus’ death bridged the distance between me and God over my sin, Jesus took all our sin on him and rose again to be with God so we could be forgiven.  He defeated death and darkness.  But as I have said many times, darkness and depression want you to believe that God does not matter he does not love me and I should not love myself.  That no one cares.  But God loves me dearly and there is no wall between us it was the darkness creating a lie that I could not be loved by God because if my eating issues ( I can’t call them a disorder – yet).  The wall disappeared and the eating issues seem smaller now.

The thought of someone going through depression with no contacts, support groups, no prayers for them, no God.  That darkness is black.  I scares me that someone could be so lost, and yet be in a crowd.  God can conquer all he has done it with me.  Last post I asked God to cover me with his wing so I could hide and prepare for the next day and he covered me came to my heart healed some of the brokeness showed me the light through the window to go another day, another few hours till the next anxiety attack. And he lifted me up so I could love Him and me. Through his word in the bible, through the words spoken on Sunday in the sermon, in the songs I was teaching the Sunday school class, and in the most kindest words from my best friend, God made sure I knew that I was loved and forgiven.

So does that mean I am cured was it a weekend of miraculous healing.  No it was not.  I had the shakes for a bit today, my heart was pounding this afternoon and I felt anxious, it was not an attack but I calmed my spirit and rode the wave.  I nibbled tonight for supper, not a whole lot but I put a little something in me. I feel broken still, not as much as yesterday and maybe less tomorrow.  I am not cured, but in this journey God is showing me his power and I will be cured in due time – God’s time.  In the mean time I write here, pray for those who read these blogs and hope that no one will ever go through depression without talking to God and having him save their heart and soul.

God Bless you and May he show you the way out of the darkness and into the light – where there is peace beyond all understanding and joy and love you can only get through the Father Son and Holy Spirit.  Invite them into your heart and soul, for a brighter and better tomorrow.   Amen

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End of August; End of Summer :(


I am a beach baby.  Love the sun, love the surf, (what you can find off it in Canada) love gardening, love camping, love being out doors. But we are coming up to the long weekend and summer almost over.  Not happy about it.

Back to work now for a few days – I work at the high school in the office so I am putting papers together for teachers, staff, students.  If anyone tells you that computers are creating a paperless society, work in a school.  I have killed a forest of trees up to this point than in any other job.  Whats new in my worl?  Not much to be honest.  I have been pretty much on an even keel.  I have taken my anxiety drugs lately.  I felt I needed them to keep even.  I have been trying not to drink, not easy, I was at a wine tasting on the weekend.  I was a little off last night.  I went for a long run and I felt a bit better. 

Today I still think I was a little off but no panic attacks, or anxiety just a little down, or maybe tired.  I am still not sleeping so its hard to tell the difference.  I rode my bike to work today.  To work is easy, mostly down hill, home is the tough part. mostly up hill.  but it was a good work out.  At least I got to doing something as I did nothing last week. 

Eating?? I am eating some.  Its off and on.  Monday night it was fend for yourself night.  Which means if you find it in the fridge and it doesn’t growl at you, you can eat it.  I ate nothing.  I had  a handful on mix nuts and a turkey bite for lunch.  This eating thing is hard.  Today I had 1/2 a filet of halibut for lunch, handful mix nuts and I am making a chicken breast and salad for supper.  I am doing better today. Tomorrow well who knows.  I have to get my eating in order – I am setting myself up to train for a 1/2 marathon in November, body willing, which means I need to be eating a training meal plan.  Maybe this is how I can get myself in order.  It’s still really hard I had no idea that this could be so difficult and yet here I am mixed up and confused about this and not caring if I do eat or not.

Upon reading this over I can not fathom that I am in this place.   Mind you reading over all my blogs I can’t fathom being in any of these places.  How did I get here? How do I keep out of here? Where do I go from here?  The things I held dear the things I prided myself on I could careless.  My home, it has been my pride.  Not in a luxury way, but I have an ok home I loved to keep it neat and tidy.  Sometimes I feel the need to organize as I have done leading up to getting ready to go to work, but now at work.  I don’t care. Let the dust bunnies roll. Cooking has been another love I don’t care to do.  I love to cook as an extension of my love for my family.  My family love it when I become inspired to cook.  It hasn’t happened in a long time.  I did bake the other week first time in months.  I made banana bread.  I felt sorry for the brown bananas and couldn’t throw them out. My family was shocked!

I am not really sad this week, I am maybe just shocked at where I am in life at the age I am.  Maybe I am sad at missing the old me. I guess I feel like I am missing an old friend, who went away on a long trip and hasn’t returned, and you don’t know when that will be.

Or maybe I am just tired.

To end this with God. 

I lift my eyes up to the mountains from where does my help come from

It comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.  ( a loose remembrance of Psalm 121)

I do lift my eyes to the Lord and pray for me to come back to me.  I pray that God keep me safe from the devil and his prowling as I am vulnerable, and broken.  I study God’s word, and volunteer at my church to keep me in Gods view, so I can remember that He is Lord. And that I have faith.  Even if Martin Luther says you do not have to do works to get into heaven, but by faith alone.  I think that Faith without good works, is not faith at all.  I do good, cause I wish to receive God’s favour, I wish to have God smile down upon me, and I wish that my works, go without notice from man cause the blessing is sweeter from God.  I am trusting in God to carry me through this time.  He does, and how do I know? Cause there are times if he was not carrying me I would have died.  It’s that simple.

 

I leave you for now – untill next time God’s blessings upon you ————-G

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Self induced hell /but back from the brink


To hell and back is how I would describe the past weekend. I had talked about this in my last post.  I had been away with my husband and the sadness and darkness crawled in.  I didn’t fall in a hole, I decided to by past that one and head straight to breakdown.  I was unsettled.  Monday till Wednesday I was away camping with my honey, we came home to our kids who thankfully didn’t have a party while we were gone.  To be honest when I was their age growing up on the farm I had parties when my parents went away, whats wrong with mine?? you know I’m kidding I was thankful.  Thursday morning we left for my Mothers to do some work on her house.  She lives about 2 hours away, it took us 3 days to complete our work.  Thursday was wonderful we did lots and I hadn’t seen her lately so it was nice.  Friday I was agitated, and went to bed early to get away from people, but didn’t sleep.   Saturday we finished the jobs, brunched left.  I was in a terrible spot.  We were driving along the 401 Hwy and all I could think was if I could get him to stop I would start running, I would run and run till he couldn’t see me anymore.  This is totally irrational.  I have a great family and great friends.  If you read my last post you know through my husband and some dear friends I pulled through that weekend.  My other support group, God also was there to take my pain and replace it with peace.

The point of this post is not to dwell on how I came back from the hel,l I was heading to a breakdown like the one I had last year, it was close and in view.  How did I get to this place?  How did I almost go over the edge? To pull myself out I had my support group, I took my anxiety meds and they helped some.  But why was I back in this place.  Self induced  hell.  It took me a few days to figure it out.  I was renewing my prescription for my pills and I read the box, it said the same thing it has from the beginning. Do not take with alcohol. I knew I should not drink with this stuff my doctor said a glass of wine with dinner on the weekend or a beer on a hot day is fine but not every day.  Ever have one of those moments in your life where it feels like a TV show and a spot light comes down upon what you’re looking at to highlight it.  Then it hit me.  Crap what have I done to myself, that caused my friends to come out to my house Sunday night to talk to me, my husband to spend time talking me away from my urge to run and to be honest I know he considered taking me to the hospital too.

I was on vacation with my husband for 3 days we were camping, eating wonderful meals, drinking wine with steak, and drinking beer while we sailed, out for dinner with friends at the resort.  Then at my Mothers working outside on a hot day, building decks and installing a back splash is thirsty work.  Home on Saturday and Sunday not caring what I was doing, I had a drink, a few glasses of wine with dinner.   Tuesday it dawned on me.  I had a week full of drinking.  What the heck am I doing.  No wonder I was crashing, I was counter acting my pills.  I haven’t had a drink all week.  I had a small glass of wine by the fire with my husband tonight,   it’s a beautiful summers night but I have avoided it all and got back to working out even though it has been a struggle. ( I am a fitness fanatic – so not to- isn’t me, again its the depression, it pulls you away from what you love.) This is Friday, and I feel great.  Well I feel better.  I still don’t feel like me, completely. I am feeling better.  I am still not sleeping, I get 3 to 4 hours a night the rest of the time I listen to the crickets.  My mind is not a whirl, it’s just awake.

This week I have been thinking about what I have been doing each day and how it is effecting my quality of life.  You have to watch what you do.  I have said it before, several times.  Watch what you eat, watch what you drink, restrict alcohol, restrict coffee, workout, try to sleep, take your pills.  Just keeping up with this makes me sad sometimes.   It’s a process, this will not last forever, it will pass.  Depression is just like any other illness.  If you have a bad heart you have to exercise and eat right.  I you have a bad arm you have to take care of it.  If you have a bad hormonal chemicals you have to attend them like a cut, bruse or bad heart and do the things that matter.  I got caught up in vacation mode of the summer, not to say I didn’t have a good time but the end result does not justify a couple of drinks too many.  I am still having issues with eating, somedays I have to force myself to eat.  I could go days with out and never think if it.  I know some of this is not wanting to, some of this is medication and not being hungry, some of it is control issues.  I have not said any of that to my husband, I don’t need the stress of him watching everything I put in my mouth or not put in my mouth.  I am trying I am trying.

Where is God in this, I always like to end my blogs with Him.  It is God that reminded me that He is in control, it was God that made me see my errors and best of all through his son Jesus Christ, through his blood and death on the cross and rising again it is through him I am forgiven.  God has my back, my heart, my soul, and sometimes I give Him my mind. Till next time Gods blessings.

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August first half


First half of August and how am I doing?  I seem to have problems with the beginning of the month.  I was doing good through the end of July, I was feeling like me I was doing ok, no panic attacks, anxiety.  August started all good then too, then the panic and anxiety started to creep in.  I didn’t have an attack put I did have to calm myself shopping the other day but I did it.  Sunday morning I awoke with that old feeling again.  I didn’t want people to look at me, I changed my Facebook picture to a picture of a guitar.  I prayed most of the service, but I was sad and I could not shake it.  Sunday night was bad but I got some sleep and up Monday and went away with my husband for a few days.  They were good we were busy and that keeps me distracted which helped.  One night I was in a hole, Tuesday.  I could care less about everything.  My husband was asleep we had spent the day sailing so he was exhausted.  I not being able to sleep sat up till midnight watching the campfire I made and feeling sad.  Arguing with God.  God can change the heart of Paul in the new testament why can’t he change those here now?  I have a couple of thorns which I will not go into but one of the thorns involves my extended family, to put it in a nutshell,  we are dysfunctional We were not always that way.  I want my family back.  The only way to do this is for God to put it back together.  It will happen in God’s time but I have been waiting for a long time now – why can’t i have satisfaction? Why can’t I have it back?  if he is the God of power what is wrong with him?  I have been shaking again. This is usually a sign that I am heading down a rough path.  I managed to make it through the rest of the week and then Saturday came, I was almost back to square one, I was on the verge of a complete breakdown.  It was my husband who talked me out of it and helped me avoid it but I was still in a hole and shaking and the negativity of the voices were loud and strong.  I took my emergency pills.  I took more this weekend than any time up to this point. They did help, some.  I was ready to hide, I was making plans to run and hide at my friends cottage, I was planning excuses to hide at home not go to church, not go out into the world.  Again this is what depression does it isolates you and makes you pull away from all that is important to you.  Church, family, sports, running, cooking, reading, life.

But to my question.  If I believe that God is all-powerful and can change hearts why can’t he change the one of my thorns hearts? But that is the wrong question, depression and the lies that go with it want me to ask those types of questions, it wants me to deny God and is taking all things that have bothered me, all my skeletons, all my hurts, all my thorns and the lies want to surround them and blur them. and break me down one situation by situation.  As the lie does that, it pulls you down that deep hole.  It wants you to deny your intelligence, worth, and life itself.  The answer to my question, God’s timing is; God’s timing and in a world were we want all things instantly sometimes the answer to our questions is wait. You have to talk to yourself or have someone help you talk your way against the lies and to the truth. You have to keep asking yourself what is truth, what is truth, and concentrate on that.

I have good friends, actually make that I have great friends they came, and they sat and they talked to me and they supported me Sunday night.  My husband talked me away from my breakdown, and God pulled in close and waited for me to notice.  In the end Monday morning I got up read my bible and wondered where the peace was, the turmoil of the weekend was still swirling, but the voices had dissipated, what change?  My friends prayed for me they prayed specifically for my heart and against evil and then it was up to me. I gave it to God, no more me trying to fix things, no more me in control.   I can’t handle it, I can’t do it, I can’t solve it, I gave it to God and the sobs started.  It’s not something I am known to do since I have been on the meds but, I sobbed from the depth of my soul.  I got up dried my tears put my running shoes on and ran 10 km of head clearing running.  I put myself back together by praising the Lord and giving him myself unconditionally.  I came home I had a swim and it was like a baptism, the peace started to flow.   Voices defeated, sadness defeated, breakdown defeated, for today.

What will happen in the next coming weeks??????I don’t know, I do know that I have a support group and I have God to help me through. Praise be to God.  If you are in this situation find your friends, find a support group, find a way to talk yourself out of the negative and into the light.

till next time im praying for you

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Last week in July 2011


We are mid week in the last week of July.  I was for my follow up with my doctor this week she wants me to up my dose again.  I have now doubled my doseage.  It makes me sad, to be honest that I need to be taking something.   I am a farm girl, I don’t like chemicals and taking them or exposing them to me, pills goes against the grain- so to speak no pun intended. But I have been feeling better and talked myself out of a panic attack the other week so I guess I am proceeding in a positive trend and this will not be forever, so I will roll with it for now.

I have been having sleeping problems. I am only getting 2 to 4 hours a night, I am tired and hate that.  I have been trying to be active.  I don’t run lately and seem to have lost my drive for that, I have stopped working out, I feel guilty for that but as a Mom and women I always feel guilty for that and so much more.

Today I want to talk about thorns.  I had a tough time reconciling my thorn with the power of God.  My thorn, depression; my delima, I have a belief in a God that created the heavens and the earth and yet I have this thorn.  My thorn has shown me the darkness of evil and how smooth and slick it can be.  The darkness has been relenting till now; for now I seem to be better and not near the darkness, as a matter of fact I seem to be smothered in light.  But along with the light is an acute awareness of the heartbreak of others.   Why the thorn.  The apostle Paul asked God three times to remove his thorn.  I have asked God three thousand times at least to remove my thorn.  God answered Paul this way, ” My Grace is sufficient for you” In other words God’s favour, his blessings, his will is sufficient for him.  God has decided that what ever the thorn is that Paul hates, God is not going to take it away, he is leaving it for him and his Love and Will should be enough for Paul.  Thorns do lots for the thorn bearer.   A person learns to adapt to our thorn.  When we adapt we become stronger, we lean on God more.  In other words the thorn makes us a better person and teaches us to rely on God to help us through the rough parts, keeps us humble.  Like a parent allows a child to fall down once in a while so it can learn to stand on its own two feet God also allow us to fall to make us stronger.  But is it ever easy. No Never, why would you allow a child to fall, it will hurt, we don’t want our children to hurt we want to give them everything to make their life easier cause our life wasn’t easy- why not make it better for them.  You end up with spoiled children that expects to be served.  Paul was a proud man his thorn made him rely on God to the point that he was humble and praised God for his thorn because it increased the depth of the relationship between him and God.  The child that is helped never realizes the love that parent really has for him.  The child who falls realizes that he or she learns something and the parent shows him love in a tough love way.

My thorn.  God has taught me that resisting the devil and all his ways doesn’t mean only being good, don’t gossip, don’t steal, don’t swear, these are indeed things that need to be avoided but that isn’t the devil at his best.  Those are little chips at our soul.  When you are at your most vulnerable, when you are depressed and fall in a hole, then the devil prowls around and confuses you and makes you forget what is really important.  Your family, your faith, what you hold dear, even your life.  But resisting means relying on God and his Grace being sufficient.  It has deepened my relationship with him – because I let him deepen it.  I could have walked away yelling you don’t care for me you are self-seeking.  God is seeking, me, my heart, my soul, my life.  Jesus tells us to ask  and it will be given to you, seek and it will be found, knock and it will be open to you.  I’m no talking give me a million dollars.  But if you are in a bad place ask and God will be there, seek and God will draw close, knock and God will open the door for you.  I you need someone to go through this God will be there, he may not take the thorn away from you, but he will give you a way to learn from it and make you a better person.

This is all for now,  August is another month to work through  God Bless you till I write to again.

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back from the bush!


A week a way from the city in the bush lands of Arrowhead Provincial Park. It was nice to spend time away from the house the house work ( it is there; big  time now being back and having camping laundry and cleaning to do).  I was a little jittery and I had a few nights that I didn’t sleep.  Those were the bad things, but I coped.   I spent some time alone.  I spent some time with one of my close friends and told her about my condition. She seem to take it ok.  She doesn’t understand it all but she listened.  I spent some quality time with my former Pastor and made some connections that I couldn`t make in my mind which I’ll talk about later.  I also learned some basic life lessons. 

First the life lessons.  When jogging through the bush, on the hiking and cycling trail, do not look up at the large wood pecker in the tree.  Tree roots on the path will trip you and I did a fantastic fall and roll.  When all stopped I was on my back thinking “what the? how did I get here!”  looking at the bird looking at the silly human on the ground No cuts just dirt.  Second life lesson.  Don`t jog with your mouth open, you will catch flys!  Don`t ask how I know!  And what ever I coughed up had better only have been a deer fly–uck.

The connections.  Have you ever been sick and forgot how to take care of yourself?  You get a sore throat, cough, or flu.  You forget to take vitamin C you forget the Advil, or what ever cold/flu remedy you use.  And someone comes along and says why not take what you usually take when your sick—- and you say oh I forgot.  Then smack yourself in the head like that will make things sink in better. When I am heading in a down period.  The devil ( and I am going to call it what it is) will confuse me.  I feel I have a strong faith. I feel God is close to me. I feel a need to be close to him, and I fully give my heart and soul to the creator of the earth and me. That is my statement of faith.  But when I start to fall, he confuses me, he wants me to doubt what I believe and he wants me to lose faith in all that is precious to me.  The faith I have, my marriage, my abilities to be a mother, a lover, a cook, a functioning working women.   I forget the devil likes to confuse me.  I forget how to fight back. I forget how to see the dark from the view of the light, I forget that I can talk myself out of the panic, and anxiety.  I forget that I have good meds to help, and I forget who I am sometimes.  And sometimes I don’t want to remember any of these things cause at that moment you can say I have a mental flu and can’t function.   It all seems too hard and in the darkness I can hide. But in the darkness is the lies and the pain and there is no peace.  So I get up, I must fight back, I must keep my eyes on the light, I must talk myself out of the panic, and take my meds, call my friends,  and pray, and most of all remember I am a functioning, loving person in a dark place that will not swallow me up, because God loves me and you.  There is a line from scripture that says

John 16:33

New International Version (NIV)  Jesus speaking.

   33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

The world is owned in by the prince of darkness, but Jesus overcome him through his suffering and death and resurrection. We can rely on him when we are confused. God has our back.

Does that keep me out of dark holes.  No — God (pardon the country reference) didn’t promise you a rose garden. We struggle cause this world is not perfect. This world is fallen. We will struggle and fall and get up and fall again, and we will get weary but BUT we are loved and we will persevere, and we will fight the good fight. And on the days when we can’t fight pray and God will fight for you.

That sounds like pretty high and mighty words.  But they are God’s words and they are reality.

I will have days I forget with my mental flu; so to speak. I will need my husband to go with me look after me, the darkness will crowd in, but the light will always shine and this is not how God wants me to live my life.  Hiding in the darkness afraid to go forth and conquer.  Maybe not mountains some days, but bit by bit it will happen. Do what you can, all you have to do is your bit.

I am a mixture of positive and negative.  I do believe what I write I also believe that I am far from out of the woods.  I was to the doctors today for my follow up visit.  She feels I am not out of the woods either and has upped my medication for the third time.  She also wants me to be taking my emergency meds more often and not just when I have gone around the bend.  I find this discouraging.  I thought I was doing better but I was slipping today.  I don’t want the meds but I have to.    It is apart of the fighting.  It tires one out. I will take my new dose of meds and see what happens.  I will have a follow up visit with my doctor at the end of September and I will see where I stand then.  If you are in this fight.  Hang on. The fight isn’t easy and it can rip at everything you hold dear.  It has for me but God has put somethings together for me. I hope soon I can have it all together.  I have much more to say about thorns in one’s sides. I hope you’ll come back

by

Happy Canada Day.


Since my last panic attack in my doctor’s office, I have been good.  I managed to get through a very stressful time at work and spent the long weekend with my family camping which has been wonderful.  It is always a reconnect with my kids and husband. No one else just us, hanging out, swimming at the beach, campfires, sleeping, reading, playing games.  It was a good time to spend together.  My kids are teens so they understand that Mom isn’t quite right.  They saw my breakdown, they have seen me shaky and panicked.  We spent some quality time together one on one and discussed what all this means and why I am going through what I am going through. They have been very supportive and were glad to have all the dots connected for them.  I am sad that I have to explain that Mom is losing it.  But they appreciated being told and treated like adults and in the end we all came closer.  God does take all things and use it to his good.  I have been good lately so it was a good time to talk and connect and plan our summer and how we want to handle the next wave if it comes.  

 A.W. Tozer wrote in his classic We travel an Appointed Way “to a child of God, there is no accident.  He travels an appointed way”  So how does my depression work to God’s good. My mind falls apart, my emotions betray me how can that be good?   How can any tragedy work to God’s good.  My father was hit by a car, died instantly.  How does that work to God’s good.  A family devastated by the needless death of the Father who held the family unit together.   That now lays in ruins, a brother doesn’t talk to others cause he never really recovered, grand children who never knew the love of a Grandfather.  A wife now a widow missing her beloved husband.  The pain of the broken-hearted in this life goes on and on and on.  Evil runs rampant. hurting, stealing, lieing. Where is the good in any of this. Where is the Love?   Where is the Grace?  Where is God?  Cause sometimes I feel he is very far away.

  We can have hope.  Romans 8:  22-27 and  31

22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

 26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose.

More Than Conquerors

 31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

We have hope in that God who is greater than me on my best days, will look after me because he Loves me, created me.  I fail and I am in a fallen world.  Evil lives  in this world, but God loves us so abundantly that he takes our pain and makes it into joy.  If we trust him.  I take courage and comfort and strength from the promise that in the midst of the brokeness the Holy Spirit intercede for us with groaning that  corresponds to the depth of the pain I am in.  And when in the darkness no words can express the protection from  evil I need and the help I need.  This prayer partner in heaven is all-powerful and all-knowing whispering the things of God that I need to know and comunicating the things deep with in my heart and soul that I need to but can’t tell the Lord.  God had provided. God never breaks a promise.

Every bad turn, every broken moment till now, every tear I have shed brings me one more step closer to knowing and relying on God. God has taken the pain, the events of my life and gave me a chance to rely on him and in turn he loves me and protects me.  He is expanding my heart in a way I have never known God before.  I am seeing his shelter in the midst of this storm. He has prepared a cleft for me to hid in. ” I look to the mountains from where will my comfort come from- From the Lord the creator of heaven and earth. ”

These are the things that God has been reveling to my heart as I have prayed and meditated this long weekend.  It is the recovery after the latest storm.  Where you asses what the damaged is, and where the storm has left you.  It left me a little stronger, which is again part of Gods plan to take this storm and turn it into his good.  I don’t know where you are in the storms of your life, but God; if you ask, will take you by the hand and help you walk on the water,  so you can over come the swells and reach dry land.  Just Ask, Reach, hold onto.

I am drowning in the depths of despair the darkness closes in,

 but a light is reaching for me

I can scarcely kick to keep my head above the water, do I want to?

But a light is reaching for me.

I am tired, tired of the pain, the darkness, the hurt, the fighting, I do not want to fight the good fight anymore?

But a light is reaching for me.

Ok– I will take the light hand, it will not leave me, it keeps beckoning me, calling me.

But a light is reaching for me.

This energy! This Shock! This Love! This light!

But a light is reaching for me

This hope grabs my heart and leads me to my Lord. I sit upon the lap of Jesus like a child.

I lay my head upon his chest. Safe, no more to fight, shelter, in the love of the Lord. Peace.

                                                            Till next time peace be with you.

by

I will put you in a cleft in the rock.


Exodus 33:21-22 Then the Lord said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by”

A cleft in a rock, a port in a storm. What is it we are really looking for in life? We are looking for a place of safety.  We desire to work for a good company because we wish to have job security.  We look for a safe place to live because we wish to have  peace when we lay our head down at night, a place that is safe for our kids to play in, a safe place to purchase our food.  We as humans desire three things as our most basic needs Food, Shelter, Safety.  Along with our basic needs as humans there are some things in life we can not shake. Death and Taxes, but there are other absolute truths we need to also acknowledge.  One, there is a God, he is the creator of the heavens and the earth. Secondly, He can not lie, he is truth, and when he makes a promise it is never broken.

What does this have to do with depression.  When I am in my dark hole of depression; if you have been there, you know deep in your heart that evil prowls around you like a lion.  Your mind fails you, your body fails you, what do you trust?  Friends, family they will also disappoint they will fail. Who do you trust, who do you turn to who will never leave you –God.  Please read Psalm 121

 
Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

 1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
   where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
   the Maker of heaven and earth.

 3 He will not let your foot slip—
   he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
   will neither slumber nor sleep.

 5 The LORD watches over you—
   the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
   nor the moon by night.

 7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
   he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
   both now and forevermore.

The Lord will keep you from all harm.  When you are in the depths of depression I know its hard to feel God holding you.  If you have never asked, maybe now is the time.  If you suffer from depression and feel the darkness closing in- you know there is also light.  Maybe you have never acknowledged it before. Maybe you don’t believe in God.  But you know there is darkness. Would it be so hard to believe there is light? Try a prayer.  when you are in the pit of dark, ask God to send you his light.  He is there holding you waiting for you to acknowledge Him.  Its like a Christmas present unseen under the tree waiting to be discovered. It is a free gift, opening it. In the pit of darkness what have you to lose?

But I do promise you this if you open this present, God will never break his promise.  God takes all and turns it to His good.  What he requires from you is acknowledgement that his exists, and an invitation to your open heart.

I have had some dark nights.  Nights where I didn’t think God was there. Nights where I could feel and see evil wanting to devour me. A shadow of darkness that follows you around like a shadow. If you read the poetry I have written in previous posts you can see how dark it has been. But God put me in a cleft in a rock so I could be protected and his Glory could shine.  God has promised that in Psalm 121 we would be protected. And God never breaks a promise.  When I could not pray or even groan, God gave me friends that prayed for me. Those nights I thought were the end of me, I never thought I could move to another day. I thought the darkness would swallow me up.   Seek his peace.  It will not protect you from the next panic attack- I still suffer, I still fall down some pretty deep holes, but I do have God to help me pick up the pieces, and each time we do I get  a little stronger. he provides me with hope that I will overcome this darkness, but think of this.  You would never know there was darkness if you didn’t have a light. God is that light, and so is his son Jesus.   but I’ll talk more on that next time.

Please come back again, I want to talk about holding on to Gods promises next time- till then God’s Peace to you