Did someone hear a Crack?


My twig is cracking, I have been holding on for dear life but the twig is starting to crack – it is preventing me from sliding down the mountain I have been sliding down for a while.  I am looking wildly for a larger twig to grab but I can’t seem to see one.  I have been praying, I have been trying to keep my eyes up focused on God.  Sunday I dipped low and I was telling myself,  “I look to the hills from where does my help come from, It comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.” I am trying to keep my concentration on God.  Its hard the mind is a storm of thoughts.  Today is Monday and I don’t have a whirl of thoughts I am just numb, no thoughts, no energy just numb.  I think this must be what its like to be high on drugs.  You feel nothing, you think nothing.  One of my readers said that you always  feel like you are crawling out from under something.  That is how I feel.  I get though this day, the next day it falls upon me, I crawl out again, but the dirt and grim of the last crawling never comes off.  The heaviness of it never leaves totally. The line from Shakespeare comes to mind “Out, damned spot! out, I say!” , Macbeth, 5.1 .  The spot of darkness never leaves, the spot of confusion, the spot of illness, the spot of numbness, stays upon my heart and mind.  I guess that is why it is hard to reach beyond the depression.

The soul and heart and mind are intermingled, and where is the line between? The line is a blur.  My heart will feel down cast and my mind try to cheer it up.  My soul cries out for God to come near, and he does but the mind is looking the other way, it can’t take its eyes of the grieving heart who is wondering where the mind, it knew and loves has gone.  The mind is confused and has forgotten to cheer up the heart, it barely remembers the heart and soul. The mind is caught in a storm like a feather in the wind.  God’s spirit, the Holy Spirit whispers in the wind to so the heart, mind or soul will hear it.  The Holy Spirit sits tight and still available to tell the thoughts of God and receive the inner crying of the soul, heart, and mind to take its deep groanings to God in prayer.  And the storm continues, the heart stays bruised, the soul cries and the mind flutters in the wind.  The Spirit is ever near, protecting from the evil and waiting for the mind to see and the heart to feel, and the soul to stop crying.

So tomorrow I start drug #3 hormones, and we will see what happens from there onward.

Lord I continue to pray for your forgiveness and protection, you have told me patience, but I am human, I don’t do patience well but Lord you know what is best for me and you know why I am going through this and I hope and pray that all these experiences can help those who go through this to have hope.  For God you are my only hope and I thank you for all the hope you give me.  Praise be to you Lord. Amen

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Still holding the twig


I found the twig as I slid down my mountain and managed to hold on to it for a few days now.  I have managed to take two breaths.  My mind seems to have some clarity everything was mush last week I didn’t know what was right or wrong. This week is a bit better.   Yesterday was Ash Wednesday , a year ago I was in a ball on the bench in church.  A cloud of darkness had surrounded me and the more the pastor spoke the more my mind screamed.  I could not understand the words it was garbled and it all made no sence.  When the service was done I ran from the church to my house.  I was scared, dark, alone, deep in a pit where there was no light, no hope.  yesterday was different.  I was able to be apart of the service.  I could hear the words, I could pray with the congregation.  I spent a heartfelt time in God‘s home and was able to pray the secrets my heart that need to be told and ask for forgiveness.  Now the hard part forgiving myself.

As I was preparing for the service I was fasting and praying.  I have struggled with eating disorders over the past year.  I have gained the 15 pounds I lost and according to my Mom I look better,  being so skinny I was losing my good looks.  Mom’s got to love them!  I could go days without eating when I hate myself.  But Wednesday I was fasting as a preparation for the service to help me focus on God my Father and to focus on his majesty.  It was so hard!  It was interesting. The devil when he tells me the lies he wants me to believe; that my mind when I am sliding into depression grabs so easily, convince me that I am unworthy of loving myself and loving others.  To deny myself food or to indulge in alcohol is so easy.  When I do it for God it is so hard.  The devil will pick at me to give in because the flesh is weak.  But my mind is stronger this day so I could do it.  Tomorrow?? I don’t know – this is what bothers me the most. The uncertainty of it all.  The inability to trust myself, and the easiness to punish me for its instability.  This depressions ups and downs also makes my friends look at me one way or another.  They  gage, is she good or bad.  Sometimes I think people avoid me because it’s too much work to figure out where I am and what they can do, which makes them feel helpless.  So they avoid you or shun you because they are uncomfortable, which makes the isolation feelings that comes with depression even stronger and you slide a little deeper a little farther down the mountain.  I am not saying it is everyone else’s fault I feel I need to pull away or I my mood falls down.  It’s just an observation, no blame being laid.

So what else has been happening in my life.  Well maybe I am my own worst enemy.  My daughter is heading to Panama for a mission trip.  We are fund-raising and getting all the paperwork completed for her to go so that is one issue.  The second issue is she needs some shots before she goes so I have to make those appointments.  My son is off to college in the fall so I am in the process of getting him retested for his learning disability so he can get the services from college he needs. That is a lot of work and he also needs to be spending some time on applying for scholarships, more paperwork.  Then to make things even more interesting I applied for a new job at a new school.  More responsibility and a new situation so I will have so much to learn, if I get it.  I must be nuts.

So starting next week I am trying a new drug.  It is hormone related and we will see how it goes so many things to organize and then a new drug in the mix.

Lord I need you help here, help me get this all together and help me to proceed and get it all together.  All these things  I put into your hands Lord because  I know I can’t do it.   Amen

Holding a twig


Over the past few weeks I have been sliding down this mountain, sometimes slowly, sometimes fast, but sliding down just the same.  I felt for the first time today that I finally grasped something as I have been sliding, it feels like a twig. The twig is holding and for the first time in weeks I feel like I can at least get a breath.  I have been all over the map.  Deeply depressed, sad, despair, lonely, anger, very paranoid.  The emotions are all self explanatory but the paranoia is not me thinking that someone is out to get me, or people are talking behind my back or anything like that its more a case of love.  I know paranoia is not a product of love but maybe I should say lack of love.

Let me start back a ways to explain this.  A year ago or more when this all started, I didn`t know what was happening to me, my daughter who is 15, thought I was having issue with her, not the demons in my mind.  She thought I hated her and started to act out because of this misbelief.  Over time I told her what was happening with me, once I figured out what was happening with me, and as she became more used to me and my ups and down she began to see it was all me, not her, and she became more comfortable with her and loved herself more as she saw my illness progress.  In the end over the past few months, she has drawn very close to me.  She talks to me about everything, and hugs me endlessly, we watch movies together, and she has been a great source of love and it has been a great comfort to me.  My husband has been the same way taking over things for me, helping me, talking to me.  Both of them love me so much and have been loving me so much that I can’t believe how wonderfully blessed that God has been to me.

So my paranoia stems from my lack of love for me.  Around and around and around you go where you stop no body knows.  This is the problem; I feel good, I fall down.  I feel like I almost have things in control and them I don`t.  I feel like its my fault.  If the hand does not work is it my fault.  Well if I abuse it yes, but arthritis or something else; no, not my fault.  The mind is so personal, so close, I feel like I have let myself down, and its been a long time since I can say  I love myself.  It’s hard to fathom that a chemical imbalance can effect the personal relationship you have with yourself. I loved chemistry in college and when I think of the interaction of chemicals in a experiment, its hard to add soul, body and mind to a chemical, he I am.

I went for a run today, well its been a long time since I have run so I am back at the beginning again,  But I shuffled really fast and got a good work out.  In that mind clearing exercise,  the Lord popped a thought into my mind, well actually a bible vs.  I can`t name the chapter or vs but it goes like this.  “The Lord so loved the world that he gave his one and only son to die for us.” I stopped running started walking.  What did that mean?  God so loved the world, he loves each and every one of us way more than I can love my children or husband or best friends, because he created love and we are made in His image so our love could never ever be as complete and solid as His because we are also full of sin which He is not and therefore our love is tainted with imperfections. But the Lord so loved us, US because he created us that he gave his son, his blood, a part of his spirit, to die. For the purpose of us coming close to him.

I have been doing things over the past months, not because I love me, but because I hate me.  My family and friends love me.  As my best friend said today `I am a big fan our yours and you have  lots of fans` It dawned on me that when I have been doing things that I have had the mind-set of doing them cause I don`t love me.  Don`t eat fattening things or anything cause you are not worthy.  Not don`t eat fattening things cause you love yourself and it’s not good for you.   A glass of wine complements a fine steak, because you love the tastes.  Not, drink the bottle cause you are a mess and it soothes the pain, and in the end do not actually taste the food or wine and you miss the experience of a good meal.

God gave us so much, to love us.  Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice because he loves us, and for my mind cause he loves me.  How can I disrespect my Lord by refusing the sacrifice he made for me for the love of me, and not love myself.  It was a Gobsmacking thought.

Here is a good example of how far in left field that depression can take you, or the demons of depression can take you.   This is a gobsmacking thought!  When did I stop loving myself?  how did this happen?  I ran a half marathon, you don`t train up for something like that if you don`t like yourself.  I guess somewhere in the drugs and chemical imbalance it happened.  I can`t think when, but I know I am in the process of trying to correct this.  Today and right now I feel the love from my family and friends, and God, so distinctly that I can say for sure I like myself today.  Tomorrow maybe I will fall in love with me, maybe I will still be at like, I hope I don`t fall back into hate.  Cause hate gives the devil a playground and I am tired of those games.

God Bless

Mountain climbing in Reverse


I am texting a friend of mine, I am trying to explain my mind, my feelings.  I have been pulling back from people.  I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to see me, I don’t want people to see me.  I skipped a lot of things I was to go to last week.  The best way to describe this is I am sliding down a mountain, grabbing onto what every I can to slow me down, stop me, but I can’t get a grip on to anything.  Or just can’t get a grip.   I have been better about not drinking — except Valentines night we had a nice bottle of wine between me and my husband it was nice.   I have been up and down this week.  It didn’t matter what time a day or what day I would be down on my way to work, the next day I was ok and sank at lunch or mid afternoon or at night.  So this week I was at my doctor and I brought my husband to help back me up and give his views on what is happening.  The doctor asked lots of questions.  She and he had a great discussion about me in front of me – it was weird.  So we try something else.  She is keeping me on my antidepressants, but adding some hormone drugs to the mix to see if it evens me out.  It is chemical and menopausal so this could work.  Two things however, I don’t want to be on more drugs that is concerning but its a guessing game and that is more concerning.  On the doctor shows you see the doctors say well let’s try this –oh that doesn’t work let’s try that.  Oh well that didn’t work sorry about the side effects lets try this now.  Mean while I feel like a mac truck hit me.  Bottom line is this is how you find out what will work for you, we are all different, and there is the rub.  Sometimes the cure is worse than the illness, sometimes the cure magnifys the illness.

The second part of the doctor apt.  This is the one that scares me.  I have struggled so hard over the past few weeks, I can’t seem to get my head above water. Its gone as far as bugging my friends and getting reassurance that A.  Iam not crazy and B.  they still love me.  My pastor, my friend  I am sure is sick of doing this, but my mind is mush and I don’t know what the hell is going on he is emailing me reassurance that I am not losing it.  My best friend did the same thing earlier in the week.    If this new thing doesn’t work then its a psychological evaluation for me at a psychologist.  Just reading this sentence — its like what the heck!  I have felt crazy at times I have felt out of control.  This is unsettling.  Maybe I am crazy.  The thing is I don’t know how to feel about this.  It’s a bit of a jump ahead of the game, but it is part of the plan, for down the road.

I haven’t started the new drug, I will start in a couple of weeks so in the mean time I have time to research and I see the doctor with my daughter tomorrow so I can ask some more questions. I feel like I am in left field, blowing in the breeze.

Dear Lord, you know how hard I have fought, you know how sometimes I have not tried at all.  The fight has worn me out and I have not had the energy to fight.  But you Lord, You have always been the constant and true to me and your word.  You have always stood by me and keeps me safe.  Lord you know what is right for me, help me to make good decisions and help me find the answers to be come well.  Dear Lord in the name of your son Jesus Christ I put this and all the groaning of my heart and spirit in to your hands.  Amen.

Looking the wrong way!


I have spent a week feeling better not back to normal but better.  I still feel like I am on muddy ground since the last wave of depression ripped through my life, but at least I am standing and not face down in the mud.  It was a tough go – as you know if you read my previous blogs.  When I do I can not believe where my mind takes me.  The depth that the mind can take you is unbelievable. The darkness that I felt and seen is something I still can not believe I have experienced.  The things I have put my friends through when I have been out of sorts is embarrassing and shocking, but with out them I could never have gotten this far.  I am sure the same thing can be said by those who go through any life changing event in their lives. I am sure that anyone suffering from illness, loss, or any other heartache can say the same thing.—  How did I get here? where do I go?  Will I ever be normal? Will the pain ever end?

My bible study group this past week we were talking about the holy spirit and the spirit of prophecy and how there are spirits that say they are from God but are not.  Their message does not match the bible’s message. A friend in the study group tells us about a book she read.  It’s a little book called Heaven is for Real, it is written by a pastor whose son almost dies but comes back.  The son is a little boy but comes back and start;s over time, saying all these things about heaven and what he experienced when he was on death’s door.  My friend says something that I wrote down but have been thinking about ever since.  She talks about when she prays she tries to picture what heaven must be like.  She thinks about the majesty of God’s throne and Jesus the lamb of God sitting at his right hand.  She thinks of the angels singing and the grandness of the place where the throne would sit.  This picturing helps her settle her heart so she can remember who she is praying to.  That God is the God of all and creator of the earth the heavens and universe, and all the answers to all things come from him.  There is reverence in her prayers.

It struck me how my prayers have been lately.  I have been side tracked by a tricky mind that lets me down sometimes, gets side tracked by fear and darkness and depression.  It reminds me of a movie the Radiers of the Lost Ark.  The hero ends up in a pit of snakes, and fights them off with a torch of fire.  He is concentrating on the thing he fears that he doesn’t see the bad guys sneak up on him and trap him  in the tomb with the snakes.  My prayers have been in fear.  Instead of looking to God and remembering and imagining what Heaven would be like I was concentrating on keeping my eye on the darkness.  I didn’t want it to sneak up on me but in fact it did– cause it would play tricks on me distract me and keep me from focusing on God so I could pray the prayers and give God the attention that he not only requires, but deserves.  Thank God for the Holy Spirit interceding for me so when I was not correctly praying to God the Holy Spirit could groan to the Lord the prayers I could not pray.  Our focus plays so much on how we do things.  Tonight is Sunday night I have a lovely relaxing weekend.  My house is clean, the laundry is almost done.  I cooked a couple of nice meals,  read a bit took a nap today, but tonight it is still early and I am really tired and I am thinking, is it friday yet? My focus for this week if I keep this attitude will be long and tough.  When in fact I have some neat things to do this week to prepare for the end of the week and I need to relax get some sleep and enjoy what is about to happen this week. God gave me a strong body, a good job and I need to enjoy my work, my home life, and not wish the week away.

So this week I am going to try to keep my thoughts and feelings and prayers on what is heaven like and who is God and Jesus.  And not on the darkness that hides like a spider in the corner of a room, but keep my eyes lifted away from the fear and my heart on God and his majesty where it belongs.

God Bless you — till next time.

Short Post! Ya I can be brief.


Its 7:30 on a Saturday morning – I know what the heck am I doing up at this time of day! On a Saturday! I am waiting for my Best Friend from School.  We are going away to do a wine tour and stay in Niagara Falls and basically get away from the men and kids and yak our faces off for 48 hours.

I have known my friend since grade 1 and I am not going to tell you how many years ago that was- cause I don’t want to think about it- it makes me feel old- but it is also neat to say that I have known someone that long.  I have not told her about my depression.  I am this weekend.  I think she will be disappointed that I have not told her up to this point, but she is a wonderful person I know she will forgive me, and support me.  She is a Lutheran but not a practicing one, and I know she has faith but I am hoping that we can also grow that this weekend too.

I was reading my blog from yesterday, besides having a lot of hits in 24 hours which is cool.  I have to say I wrote that in a moment of passion and spirit  and I wrote some very personal, and heart-felt truths. Give thanks to the Lord for he is Good.  I am still in a positive light this morning.  I still feel God with me. I still feel the love of God and friends with me and it up lifts my spirit.

Ps34:4( Given to me by me friend hours before our prayer time).  I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

And through prayer God did that.  I know; all this love stuff is so wonderful, and good for you  huggy huggy mushy mushy.  There is a serious side, this isn’t just fluff.  This is a period of peace.  It maybe the calm before the next storm.  If your home was damaged in a storm you would repair it, cause you know down the road the rain will fall and the winds will blow.  God had expanded my heart these last few days cause, He needed a chance to rebuild me before the next chemical imbalance happens and the next storm blows through.  God does not prevent these things from happening, Jesus said in the bible that there is trouble in this world- He knows what we go through he was Man.  I am hopefully following Gods lead in my heart to share these truths and trials of my experiences in this . To first unburden my heart in writing these words, and secondly to show God does hold us in our burdens, even if we do not feel it.  And thirdly and most important if you are reading this and suffering from depression you and I are not alone.

John 15 one of my dearest bible chapters (the more I read this, and I have been for 4 years now, the more I learn) Jesus says if I remain in him (if I continue to create a relationship and lean on him) he will remain in me (live in my heart and hold and help me) paraphrase, His love will remain in me and my joy will be complete. His love and joy comes from his father – God.  There are days I can not love or feel joy or complete or peace or anything.  But Jesus shares his joy, peace, love, and spirit to carry me when I can not.

As I said I am back on my good wave, I hope you are too. Rebuilding and fortifying for the next storm – till next time God Bless you.

Post # 40 “just saying”


Shaky shake.  I have been riding a good wave. Feeling good haven’t really exercised I have put on a couple of pounds all my troubles are far behind.  Then yesterday happened.  I went for apt # three with my therapist.  I felt like I was slipping early in the day.  I felt like I wanted to cry but could not.  I got to my apt and we sat – I sat on the couch again- she beat me to the chair.  Darn! We talked for a bit.  I had printed an email I had sent to my pastor describing what I go through when I start to slip, and the depression hits.  I wanted him to understand my progresson and understand how I fight and how hard it is, I also figured as a pastor it would give him insight into the secret world of the mind during depression.  I had homework to do from when I left last time; to gage my sadness and there wasn’t much to say cause I felt good last week.  However she asked me to read the letter.  I did, then I started to shake, I started to cry and freak out. I don’t know if it was a panic attack or anxiety or what it was.  I do know I lost my composure, had to look into those puppy dog eyes and try to pull it together. I didn’t happen.  We talk some more I get my next assignment and sent on my way.  I don’t go back for two weeks.

So what do I think of this?  I don’t know what to think.  Part of me feels like a failure, I know that is the dark voices talking.  Part of me says I am doing all the right things just hang in there.  Part of me feels embarrassed and less than who I used to be.  I haven’t eaten in two days.  I cook but to look at food makes my stomach turn, I go for a walk. I forced  myself to eat an egg tonight.  Tomorrow – who knows.

The sadness creeps in, the loneliness just sweeps my heart away.  I don’t want to feel this way.  The darkness is closer this time it hasn’t been for a while but it is tonight.  I feel empty.  When I feel like this I think of my friend’s son who killed himself a year ago now.  How empty he must have felt that night.  How lonely was his heart. How sad his soul.  I can feel the path he traveled to get to his end.  I also know that Jesus was there to hold him and save him.

I have hid myself in my room tonight. Reading, some yoga which stretched some muscles but gave me no peace.  So I write this blog and pour out my pain.  Today I shake badly, I haven’t shook that much in a while and it was never-ending.  I could feel it come from the centre of my being.  I was very anxious and a little snappy at people.  People that came to my desk I was ok with on the phone was a different thing.  I email my husband who is on the road.  I text my best friend who is a very busy person and doesn’t need to be bothered at work I don’t want to be a burden but I just want to have someone care.  I feel like no one cares- that is the lie that the devil wants me to buy.  I resist but its hard.  I know the Lord has blessed me with wonderful people in my life.  This weekend I am going away with my best friend from school.  It will be wonderful I have not told her about my depression, so as we do a wine tour in Niagara and sit up all night in our hotel room talking and talking I will confess my downfalls.  But all in all God has been good to me.  Even if my heart cry out in pain and opposes what my soul tells it. My mind hides in the darkness with its hands over its ears so it can’t hear and hands over its eyes so it can’t see while the heart and soul fight for victory over the body.

So where is my God in this.  Where he always is.  At my right hand at the ready when called upon to help me.  So I Praise the Lord for he is Love and Good.  I denounce the devil and all his ways in the name of Jesus Christ the son of God. And I ask that my shepherd keep me in his pen so I can be safe from the wickedness that taunts me and ask that Jesus keeps calling my name so this sheep can hear him and follow.  Amen

r

Good Wave: Hang Ten!!


A week – 7 days, 168 hours, 10 080 minutes, If you sleep 7 hours a day you sleep apx. 49 hours per week 2940 minutes, you are awake 7140 minutes/ week, 119 hours per week, 16 hours a day.
So why the calculations: not to show off my math skills,  but to show movement of time.
A week ago I thought no one loved me
A week ago I sat alone in my hot tub, crying
A week ago I didn’t attend my prayer group, cause I could not pray
A week ago I was refusing to eat
A week ago I was hiding in my bed room from my family, and the world
A week ago I couldn’t read my bible because the words were greek to me.
A week ago I slept maybe 2 to 3 hours a night
A week ago I sat in a bible study on the Holy Spirit,  believing more in the darkness than in the wisdom of the Spirit.
That was a week ago.
This week:
I finished picking a therapist and I am going next Tuesday.  I cleaned my house, cooked a supper and ate it.  I am planning a run tonight.  Last night I slept 6 hours (haven’t done that in weeks)  I read my bible today and today it was english.  I prayed this morning, with the ease and flowing of Spirit.
I am on a wave; a good one.  I almost feel like me and normal.  I (dare I say) feel happy!
Why the difference? Your guess is as good as mine.  The depression is chemical so I guess I am in a good chemical state this week.  I feel like I am stepping out of my house after a horrific storm and the flowers are blooming and the sun shining.  I’ve come to realize I haven’t written much about the good waves, I felt it was necessary to discuss what you do when you are good.
  So what do you do with them?
When my kids were babies, and they napped for an hour or two, in that time I could move heaven and earth during a nap time.  So what do I do in this good wave?  First, I breath, take in the peace and allow it to sink deeply in my soul.  Second, Praise God that he is faithful and loving.  Third – do everything you can think of, while the good wave is here. Its like making the most of a Great Weather Weekend.
Most of all and the most important after Praising God– work on your relationships.  My husband, my rock.   My kids, and  especially my best friends.  So many times these loves have seen me at my lowest, I want to share the normal with them so I can enjoy them and they can enjoy me.   I am a very blessed person, God gave me special friends, a fantastic husband and teens that I don’t want to kill every week.  (just kidding, I have great kids)  Praise the Lord and Thank You God for these special people.
On the days I had asked God to cover me over with his wing like a mother hen, He did.  When I listened to the yelling darkness in my mind, God protected me and whispered truths in my ear.  While I was broken and weary and ready to turn my back on my church, my God, and throw in the towel.  God pulled me on his knee and held me.  He lifted my load and waited till I was ready to receive his peace.
Coming out of a bad wave – my heart feels like the Grinch– it grew three sizes.
Psalm 94 17-19  Unless the Lord had given me help I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.  When I said “My foot is slipping”  your love, O Lord supported me.  When anxiety was great within me your consolation brought joy to my soul
 Poem:
I look to the Heavens and see the stars.
  Where did they come from?
My ears ring from the silence.
  When did the wind stop?
My face is try from raining tears.
  What happened to the water?
The whispering mist and morning pinks.
I breathe! I live!
My breath and heart move as God had set it.
I am a live after the storm
Battered, bruised, but not broken
I am loved, adopted, and saved
Praise ye the Lord.
So I continue on, on this happy wave, hanging ten and loving the reprieve of heaviness, return my hearts love to normal, build my relationship with God and prepare for the next time- there may not be a next time– there maybe many next times.  But I will prepare, enjoy, pray, read, love.

Hedley – Invincible- Wishing


Took a long hard look, at my life.
Lost my way, while I was fighting the time.
A big black cloud, stormy sky.
Followed me, while I was living a lie.
So heartless, so selfish, so in darkness, when all your nights are
Starless,
You’re running outta hope.
But I found the strength inside to see, found the better part of me,
And I’ll never let it go.

Its been along week of struggles.  Lonely, down, fighting the darkness and lost.  The words of Hedley’s song describes my heart and the darkness that is there.  The video when he is standing still in the storm and rain is how my spirit feels.  I have conceded that I need counseling.  I can not do this on my own.  I feel so helpless and besides expressing how I feel here in writing I desperately need someone to talk to and help me deal with the darkness that is haunting me, I do not feel invincible. I feel anything but, but this song inspires hope.  I am in the process of interviewing councilors at a local agency to find a good fit.  I have come along way in getting over my embarrassment of this illness.  It is an illness and besides the drugs I need some therapy, cause if I am going to live with this and it will soon be a year of drugs and living in fear and darkness.  I have to be able to cope.  I thought this was a temporary thing, here today gone tomorrow, its not that; the months go by and the months go by; I’m ok, I’m down, it isn’t ending soon and who knows when.   The hardest struggle is putting on the poker face everyday to say that I am ok, nothing wrong, I am doing fine.  Some days it takes all my strength to push through the day.

There are good days – every day is not like this past week – it comes in waves, this wave I’m on is bad, the next wave will be good.  But I keep waiting for the shoe to drop when the good wave comes.  It is that fear that rips me apart.  A couple of weeks ago it was great, I was feeling pretty much normal – feeling almost like myself. When I feel the slip coming on, I fight it, I will not fall this time, I will not let the negativity and loneliness grab me.

Its like running.  The day is perfect you start to run your thinking-ok let’s do 6 km, then you get to 4 and you think ya I can push this I can to 10.   At 8 you are feeling I can do 12 you go, you go, you go, and then, you start to crash, and you push and push and think I will not let my body dictate what, and how I will feel.  But your body and your mind separate. One wants to, the other says No Way.

So where is the Lord in all this.  Where is my God – and why do I need a therapist to talk to instead of God?  Those are tough questions.  They deserve good answers.  I don’t have the answers.   The loneliness and isolation I feel is a good reason to talk to someone.  I am in the midst of looking for a Christian therapist so I will have a God discussion.  Here is what I do know.  If I believe in anything I want to believe in truth.  I do know every word in the bible is truth and it is that truth I hold onto.  God is Love and it is that love I need to hold on to, to survive another day.  Still why the therapist?  I don’t trust my grip.  The dark words are relentless.  Think of it this way.  God is always there he holds me when I don’t know, he is always beside me waiting for the asking – He is polite, good and perfect forever.  Darkness is pushy, rude, and relentless.  Darkness does not wait and ask you, he attacks like a robber.  God is always waiting for us to ask for his help to build a relationship with us.  Darkness does not want a relationship it wants to devour you and will dress itself up anyway it can to draw you in.  The therapist is my buffer in keeping myself on track.

This is my prayer, this is my hope, it is also my fear.

till next time

October evening


I can not say tonight I am writing happy thoughts.  I have spent the weekend at a youth retreat, Aquire the Fire.  A great organization and had good music and good talks for the kids and good worship for all.  It was inspiring and wonderful for my teens and my husband.  But— you were waiting for that eh? I am lost tonight.  I am not in a hole or in a dark place, I am behind a wall I can’t get over.  I was fighting demons this weekend.  I sang the songs I prayed the prayers. but right now right in this place I could walk away from my faith and God.  I could give up my positions on committees and the prayer chain forget the bible study group I’m in a mood to throw in the towel and say to hell with it all. I know this isn’t truth.  I do know these are the lies wanting me follow them into the dark. God has been laying on my heart something he wants me to pray with people about and am not prepared to do. I don’t want to do it.  Truly tonight I don’t want to pray or think about it.

So here is what I will do for tonight. I have been fighting for 2 days now.  I am tired and I can’t fight tonight anymore.  I make no decisions tonight, I will not take a side tonight.  But I will Pray for an intervention from God. – I Pray that Lord please send your spirit close to me and lead me for I am done for today I do not know about tomorrow. I throw the fleece on the ground and ask for a sign.

amen