Tag Archives: God

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Quick Sand


Sitting in quick sand sinking slowly.  Its been a slow progression over the past week.  I have not been feeling well.  A weekend of self destruction, to end off a week of self destruction. My mind has been a swirl of thoughts emotions, ups and downs.  I can’t seem to get them straight.  I don’t know this mind of mine. I have been fighting with the self destruction voices.  I hardly ate last week, I think there were days that I didn’t eat at all, but I am not sure to be honest.  My memory seems to be sipping.  I do know I drank a lot of red wine.  Everyday. I did all the things I should not be doing. Too much wine, coffee not enough food, sleep.  In black and white it reads so stupid.  I see the words and know what is right and wrong, but I look at the food can’t eat.  I sooth myself with a glass of wine cause it makes me feel better. Wine does not go with the pills I shouldn’t be drinking and evidence today on how I feel should be pretty clear.  I have to stop. I don’t know if I can.  Yesterday I was counting down the minutes till I could get home from my Mothers house and have a glass of wine.  We went out for lunch with her yesterday and I worked very hard at eating something so my Mom and Husband wouldn’t start to figure out what was wrong.  All the while I am putting food in my mouth I am hating it.   The swirl of voices and thoughts will not stop.  They seem to lessen over night but that does not mean I sleep.  I just lay there looking at the ceiling.  Blinking.

 
If I read this first paragraph and never experienced depression I would automatically think this person is crazy.  This is hard to read and or understand.  As a person who does suffer from depression I can say, yes I understand and yes this person looks crazy.  I feel crazy.
I have been spiralling down slowly for a few weeks now.  My husband and I have spent a lot of time talking about me over the past few days.  He has taken over my bank accounts, my credit cards, my pills, my routine.  There are many areas of my life he has taken over.  That sounds like I am a bad child and being punished, but he is drawing very close to me in a show of support and to keep me from hurting myself. I feel so guilty this is stressing him out too.  He doesn’t say it but I can see it.  So now what? Tuesday I have a Dr. apt first time in three months.  My Husband is coming too.  He has some very pointed questions for my doctor and I am a little nervous how this is going to play out.  I have been praying that God give my doctor wisdom on how to help me and to give me wisdom to ask the right questions and understand what she is telling me.
 
Other news, I cut and permed my Mother’s hair on the weekend (between being hung over and having a beer) Its a bit of a lengthy process so we had lots of time to talk and she and I are good at that.   I told Mom that I have been experiencing the physical aspects of menopause.  She knows this already but I had to ease into what I really wanted to tell her.  I told her that I had another doctor’s apt to follow up on how I am doing that she monitors me closely.  She still wasn’t clueing in but she was wondering why and what was going on.  Then I told her about the emotional side of things I have been dealing with.  Very vaguely.  Then I cut to the chase and told her I was on antidepressants.  I didn’t say I was depressed. but I told her of the medication.  She said very little, I am not sure she understood or if she didn’t think it a big deal.  It made me feel very uncomfortable, and then after a while we changed the subject, never to bring it up again the rest of the weekend.
 
So where is God, and where am I.  God is always where he should be.  He is loving me and sending people to love and help me.  God is trying to cover me over with his wing to protect me, when I allow it.  Jesus is standing there saying I am your savour trust me, I am your brother your Father loves you please love yourself. Where am I – doing what I do every night laying there in a mind swirl, blinking.  I know these things – I just get confused on how to live it. I feel like a feather in a hurricane but at some point the wind has to stop and I will fall to earth, I just hope I land on my feet.  With God’s help I will, cause I can not do it on my own.
 
 
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Looking the wrong way!


I have spent a week feeling better not back to normal but better.  I still feel like I am on muddy ground since the last wave of depression ripped through my life, but at least I am standing and not face down in the mud.  It was a tough go – as you know if you read my previous blogs.  When I do I can not believe where my mind takes me.  The depth that the mind can take you is unbelievable. The darkness that I felt and seen is something I still can not believe I have experienced.  The things I have put my friends through when I have been out of sorts is embarrassing and shocking, but with out them I could never have gotten this far.  I am sure the same thing can be said by those who go through any life changing event in their lives. I am sure that anyone suffering from illness, loss, or any other heartache can say the same thing.—  How did I get here? where do I go?  Will I ever be normal? Will the pain ever end?

My bible study group this past week we were talking about the holy spirit and the spirit of prophecy and how there are spirits that say they are from God but are not.  Their message does not match the bible’s message. A friend in the study group tells us about a book she read.  It’s a little book called Heaven is for Real, it is written by a pastor whose son almost dies but comes back.  The son is a little boy but comes back and start;s over time, saying all these things about heaven and what he experienced when he was on death’s door.  My friend says something that I wrote down but have been thinking about ever since.  She talks about when she prays she tries to picture what heaven must be like.  She thinks about the majesty of God’s throne and Jesus the lamb of God sitting at his right hand.  She thinks of the angels singing and the grandness of the place where the throne would sit.  This picturing helps her settle her heart so she can remember who she is praying to.  That God is the God of all and creator of the earth the heavens and universe, and all the answers to all things come from him.  There is reverence in her prayers.

It struck me how my prayers have been lately.  I have been side tracked by a tricky mind that lets me down sometimes, gets side tracked by fear and darkness and depression.  It reminds me of a movie the Radiers of the Lost Ark.  The hero ends up in a pit of snakes, and fights them off with a torch of fire.  He is concentrating on the thing he fears that he doesn’t see the bad guys sneak up on him and trap him  in the tomb with the snakes.  My prayers have been in fear.  Instead of looking to God and remembering and imagining what Heaven would be like I was concentrating on keeping my eye on the darkness.  I didn’t want it to sneak up on me but in fact it did– cause it would play tricks on me distract me and keep me from focusing on God so I could pray the prayers and give God the attention that he not only requires, but deserves.  Thank God for the Holy Spirit interceding for me so when I was not correctly praying to God the Holy Spirit could groan to the Lord the prayers I could not pray.  Our focus plays so much on how we do things.  Tonight is Sunday night I have a lovely relaxing weekend.  My house is clean, the laundry is almost done.  I cooked a couple of nice meals,  read a bit took a nap today, but tonight it is still early and I am really tired and I am thinking, is it friday yet? My focus for this week if I keep this attitude will be long and tough.  When in fact I have some neat things to do this week to prepare for the end of the week and I need to relax get some sleep and enjoy what is about to happen this week. God gave me a strong body, a good job and I need to enjoy my work, my home life, and not wish the week away.

So this week I am going to try to keep my thoughts and feelings and prayers on what is heaven like and who is God and Jesus.  And not on the darkness that hides like a spider in the corner of a room, but keep my eyes lifted away from the fear and my heart on God and his majesty where it belongs.

God Bless you — till next time.

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Another week a little stronger


To say last week was tough- is an understatement! I am still not feeling like I am on solid ground but I am not on sand either.  I am better.  I was re-reading my posts from last week, what an unbelievable place I was in. Last week was not a wave it was a tsunami, however, tsunamis’ waters do pass on and eventually there is dry ground.   My ground is muddy but drying up.

I wanted to talk about this thing called depression.  (ya like all these posts are not!!) but from a different perspective.  A bible perspective.  Was there depression in the bible.  How do you not see it?   Think of every bible story you know. If you do not know find a bible and read.  King David who gave us so many psalms and writings that show us his ups and downs.  He also shows us his faults and sins in the books about his life.  He crys out for God from the pit, he praised him from there too.  He danced on the streets to show his love for God and he boldly spoke of a loving God who looked after him.  Much of David’s life was spent fleeing from someone trying to kill him. Hiding in caves, fighting great battles against all odds, like Goliath there was always a bigger foe to fight. Sometimes that foe was man, sometimes that foe was evil, sometimes that foe was in his own mind.  What I love about David was his great love for God and not afraid to show it.  He also showed us that God does and will prevail and God’s promises are never broken and true.  Jesus states a lot of his most important messages to us in the bible with the words” truly  I say to you.” God is truth, love, peace, joy, strength, and sometimes God’s truths are just covering you over for protection and fighting darkness when you have no strength to do so.  I am only human and incapable of doing anything with out God.  Some may say well you were doing things last week without God. You were suffering a breakdown without God.  You go to work and shuffle through the day without God.  truly I say to you, no. God gave me life, breathed in my breath.  I could not have made it through some of the pitiful days at work without God’s help.  I would not be here without God’s help.  In the pit I was in God protected me from evil, it was not a dark pit, just a pit that my chemicals in me lead me to.  God did not give me this chemical imbalance , this world and the chemicals in it caused me to be off. If I did not have God I could not have returned from the brink of darkness.  Without God I have no power to forgive, love, have relationships cause God is love and we love cause he first loved us.  As John 15 says, If I remain in Jesus and he in me I can produce good fruit.  That does not mean I will only do good things and only do what God wants me to do, sometimes it means that God protects us by remaining in us to fill us with him so the devil and his thoughts can not take us over.  Depression can blur those lines sometimes but in the end God’s got your back.  God always watches out for his children, and through Jesus I am God’s child and apart of the family.  Jesus died to make me God’s child so the void from the first sin of Adam which separated me from God needed to be bridged and the cross allows us to cross over (no pun intended) to God and be in his Glory, a forgiven child of his family.  By remaining in him and I mean praying, meditating and just continue to work on my relationship with him I am able to feel the Joy that God wants me to have and lead the life he wants me to live by listening to his quiet voice always leading me to a better place.

That is the joy of being a christian, having a loving father to care for me when I can not care for myself.

Lord Thank you for your forgiveness and constant attention to my needs.  When I was unable to praise or pray to you your spirit within me groaned prayers of needs to you.  You heard them and in my pain covered me over with protection and sat with me till the wave left.  Thank you for allowing me to be a child and crawl upon the lap of Jesus and sit with my head on his chest and just be.  Lord all these things I thank and ask for you the name of your son Jesus — Amen.

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Still in the Pits


I have been in some dark places before, I have had the devil ride my back and haunt me.  I have been rushed by forces that have been evil.  I have not been in this position before? My mind is going nuts I have been taking lots of anxiety pills to try to calm the storm.  I don’t remember things.  I can’t remember how many pills I taken today, or how much coffee I have had to drink.  I believe I have everything done at work today- I don’t remember driving home.  I don’t remember words I am about to say and have to picture them before I say them.  I’m slow,  I am anxious and numb.  I am crippled I can’t believe it.  my plan tonight and have been thinking of it all day is to sit on my couch infront of the fire place watch the fire till —–i don’t know when.  I have a funeral to go to tomorrow morning and then back to work I might or might not go back I haven’t thought about it yet. I am trembling from deep with in my heart I don’t know if its regular shakes or drug tremors.  I have only taken one over the recommended dose but I was up early early this morning so being more than 10 hours I am not counting that one.  I only slept 4 hour

I don’t know who I am, I don’t understand what I am writing, I don;t know what I have become.

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They are only thoughts! Not actions


I had been feeling good- note past tense took a tumble today – I felt it yesterday – I thought I was just  tired and busy day but I knew. I knew that I was heading in a direction I didn’t want to go.  I have been putting on a brave face today working hard being distracted but it swallowed me up this afternoon.  I took my anxiety drugs and I tried to let them work.  I’ve had thoughts today- first time thoughts.  It was the first time I thought of “what would happen if I took a double dose or a triple dose of these drugs”- do they really make a difference or are they sugar pills designed to just make me feel better because I took something.  I am feeling very anxious and I have been trying very hard to fight an anxiety attack today. The interesting thing about taking more drugs as the thought rolled around my mind – and it did for a while – I never considered others.  It was such a singular thought.  If I did this how would I feel? Would it harm me? What if I took them with a good bottle of wine what would that feel like?  I never thought hey if I did do this my children would be effected my husband would be effected I thought of no one else, no one crossed my mind.  It was a curious thought. Why didn’t I think of anyone else? It shows me how when some one is considering suicide that there is no “we, they, us, family, parents, friends;” just a singular me.   It flores me that a life of relationships and I have some special ones when you fall in such a hole can put blinders on you so you don’t feel them, only the pain that is all consuming .  That is what shocked me today.  You feel nothing.  I should have been outraged at the thought- I should have immedatly got down on my knees and prayed. I just rolled around my brain like the last pea in a veggie pot.   It was suductive, sneaky, and unfrightening.

Don’t call 911 I am not going to do something – It was a thought just a thought.  I am still shakey, and anxious and Iam going to try some yoga and meditation to calm me and see if I can climb out of this hole. I told my husband how I am feeling and even though he is working really late tonight he will call in and check on me and I am not alone my daughter is here.

So what now – pray, read my bible and trust that God will keep safe.

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Depression a case of dismissal


Well here we are 2012.  I am having a tough time writing 2012 it looks wrong to me and I know it’s just new, and  me but it makes me giggle.  I have been doing ok, feeling ok, I have had a couple of gut reactions to things this week.  I have wanted to pull back and not respond to people or friends but I have been making me interact.  I keep reminding myself of my vacation and the peace I felt and the wonderful time I had with my husband and my wonderful children.  Believe it or not I have gained all the weight I lost, plus a couple of pounds and I have some Christmas weight to lose.  I am doing well trying to get back to routine and I have been exercising too so I am good. Mostly.

I have a friend who is in the hospital tonight I want to talk about.  She is also suffering from depression and maybe bipolar. They haven’t finished making that final diagnosis.  It makes my heart sad to see her in such pain.  She has been suffering for a 2 years now.  She had a — lets call it a run in with the night nurse, and she ended up drugged and strapped to her bed last night.  She has a mild temperament,  as she sobbed to me over the phone and told me what happened it broke my heart.  I felt for her but to be honest I also felt selfish.  How far was I from being strapped to a bed?  I have in the past year had a break down, been in some dark places.  Here is the rub of it all and maybe this is what bothers me the most.  When I realized I was suffering from depression I was so freaked out because I thought people would think badly of me and not take me seriously, dismiss me, or think Oh this is just PMS gone crazy– what ever!!!!  Again I say how far was I from being strapped to a bed like a criminal. If you suffer from depression you know there are people I can not tell I am suffering from this illness and that is what it is an illness.  I can not help!  As much as my best friend assures me that I am ok and it is not my fault, I am afraid, and here is where the paranoia sets in.  There are promotions coming up at work- if they knew I was on anti-depressant, would they consider me- I am suffering from menopause depression.  I play in a band, work, take care of my family, cook, clean, exercise, volunteer.  I do so much well should I be rejected as a member of society, rejected as a candidate for promotion at my work because I am on anti-depressant and therefore psycho!!  This is the fear I have been fighting.  This is the reason I have not told some of my family what I am going through, this is why I haven’t told my in-laws and as a result put up with countless personal attacks on me for being difficult when I was really deeply depressed and could not respond in a way they wanted and they verbally trashed me in front of my kids and me.  This is the real reason I ran away this Christmas to avoid the ghosts of Christmas past cause I could not cope with the family, the events and the stigma that goes with depression.

Tonight I am angry and unsettled because I am disappointed that I am one of those statistics – the what ever the percentage of adult that suffer from depression and are made fun of on commercials, sitcoms, and life.  It takes the fight out of me to fight the darkness and gives it reason to take over and end the suffering I have endured.  That is angry talk.  That is passionate talk.  That is desperation talk.

That is the world’s talk.  What is God‘s talk? He thought of me before he created the world. He loving knitted me in my Mother’s womb.  God is Love and I know I am his child and so are all of us and so is my friend in the mental ward.  God will take care of my enemies and place them under my feet.  its just that this world makes me angry sometimes.  I must trust in the Lord and remember he takes care of the broken hearted and uses the weak to increase the Gospel to the ends of the world.   Amen.  It doesn’t mean I can’t be angry at the world!

 

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Happy New Year 2012


Hola.  A week on vacation is never enough- We spent a week in Mexico and it was wonderful.  The sun, sand, time away, all good and peaceful for the soul.  Every morning we would wake to drink our coffee watching the birds and feeling the ever-increasing heat and it warmed my soul as well as my body.  God blessed me with a wash of peace.  I could feel it come over me like a comforting blanket, and lifted my spirits.  The ghosts of Christmas past did not follow me, they stayed in the past where they belonged- it was my greatest fear. I think for me the pain of the previous year frightened me into believing that I could replay or feel them all over again.  That was a lie that the darkness wanted me to believe.  The darkness wanted me to believe that the Birth or our Saviour wasn’t important and I would associate this celebration with pain, not a promise of light.  Jesus‘ birth this year became more to me than any family celebration I have ever had.   We bought no presents, we planned this expensive vacation to get away, and in some ways I was worried I was running away.  It concerned me because next year we would not be able to run away and what then?  Will the darkness find me and sink me down?  The devil knew all the buttons to push.

Here is what happened.  We stepped out of the commercialism, family ritual, expectations of people and left. Sounds like running away- but we just took a break.  What filled those holes.  Love.  We spent time as an individual family, just our kids, just us as a married couple, and reconnected.  We walked away from family problems, personalities and we all have those in our extended families.  We returned and spent two days with dear friends, and connected with them.  New Years Day I am sitting at my table with my friends for dinner, we had our close friends for New Years Eve and the day was our camping friends, and my thoughts were very much on my friends who I couldn’t be with that day and I felt a wash of love, peace, and joy.  Why, cause we get along with friends than family?? Well that may be true partly, I think God was giving me a deeper meaning.  He has blessed my family with friends that are life long.  There is an old saying that says, it takes a village to raise a child.  I was sitting, thinking and being with my village.  My heart overflowed with joy, I was sipping from my saucer cause my cup over flow.

So what does that have to do with depression?  Ya it is easy to feel all warm when you’re at a resort that is all-inclusive and the tequilla was flowing, no wonder I felt all warm and fuzzy!! Yes true, but and its a big BUT. Depression strips away all you hold dear.  Your mind fails you and you feel you are alone, sad, isolated, unworthy, disappointment, failure, better off anywhere else, even death than to be where you are right now.  Depression is a long struggle between feeling good to resisting the sadness which try to seep in and steal your happiness.  There are good days like the past two weeks and there are bad days like previous, and some days your mind completely leaves you in a storm where you don’t know which way is up.  Then God gives you a present like I am feeling now.  Shows me that I am worthy, smart, loved, blessed and in His protection.

As the plane descended on Mexico I was still battling the ghosts of Christmas past, I prayed that God could protect me from the darkness and show me even more of his light and grace.  I kept my eyes focused on him and my family and I felt carried by God through our vacation and even back here in Canada.  As I return to routine I hope that I can continue on this level.  But the chemicals in my brain may not allow it in a week or two or more but in the mean time I prepare as always for the next storm by healing my wounds, coming and studying closer God’s love and creating a foundation that is build on rock and not on sand – to handle any storm!

Happy New Year and God’s Blessings

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The Ghost of Christmas Past


Last night I was in a bit of a hole. Not a deep one, more of a puddle.  I was slipping most of the day I was doing my best to ignore the negative voices, I went to church and tried and tried to concentrate on the sermon but I could not.  Everything was jumbled and I couldn”t make sence of it.  I know why- After the service my husband my best friend and my pastor were getting together to pray, in our mini but powerful prayer circle.   It happened last time we got together.  The Devil knows we were up to something and I was so agitated last time I shook all day.  Last night no so much shaking but garbled, and I felt my heart was breaking under the weight of brokeness, not only mine, but of some of those around me.  I came home cuddled my honey and went to sleep and I slept for a change.  I got up and could feel the weight of the day before slide off me.  I was light again, no garble, no heaviness.    My anxiety levels have been up, not to panic levels but anxious.  I think part of it is our trip coming up – things like –do the kids know what they need, did I buy enough Graval,  sunscreen, advil.  etc etc.  Packing issues.  I will take care of that this weekend and if we get there and don’t have it, well we will just buy it.

A friend asked me if I had made peace with Christmas.  To be honest it stumped me, I really didn’t know how to answer.  Will I miss my best friend, and Christmas eve Service.  absolutely they are always my favorite things.  Have I made peace with God over Christmas?   Yes– I paused before I wrote that – I don’t think I was angry with God over last Christmas, I didn’t know what was happening to me.  I didn’t know what caused the break down and what caused the deep hole I fell into.  I blamed it on everyone else my family, my Mother-in-law, the things I was involved with at church. etc etc. I had never thought about that before. but yes I did blame everyone else for how I was feeling cause I didn’t understand what was happening to me, and I thought I was losing my mind.  I was paranoid and frightened as I have never been before.  I still feel in some way I am running away from Christmas, but not God.  I am running away from the memories of desperation, darkness, fear,  and loneliness.   This year there is so much that I am not doing.  No cards, presents, tree, dinner.  It’s a relief to be away from the rush and rush of Christmas but I feel like I am being haunted by the ghost of Christmas past!  Sorry but the I couldn’t resist the Christmas comparison but it works!  Right now this week I am in a holding pattern of reoccurring events we do every year. This year we are finishing up our commitments and now starting to pack for our big trip.  I am ready to go now.  Have I made peace with Christmas the event, the traditions, and the things we do-no I am running away from it.  I am running away from the ghost of christmas past.  I am not running away from God.  God still has me in his hand, he is still protecting me, loving me, leading me, covering me over when I need a safe place to be. I believe in the Christmas story as fact; that Jesus did come as a baby the word becomes flesh.   It is becoming clear to me, I just can’t do the  “event”.

So today I pack for our trip next week.  My meds were adjusted this week so now I have been shaking again ugg! and the timing of them have been changed so hopefully that will sort its self out before we go. In the mean time I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas in the true meaning of celebrating the God Childs birthday.    …………………………..till next time

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short post – it happens eh!


It has been a rush around week – meetings and large project at work and stuff after work.  I don’t know if I am overwhelmed, sad, tired or all of the above.  I think all of the above.  I could feel sadness crawling around me today.  Not bad, just enough to say – hey you bug off. I am not heading down that road tonight. I am home alone for a change and I  am planing some yoga later.  It will be a push for tha,t cause I feel like pouring a glass of wine and sitting in my bed and listening to sad songs and hiding.  Can’t, my family left a mess in the kitchen and I have laundry to finish so I must keep busy or I will lose myself to the voices calling.  There is a student at the hospital tonight one of our students from school on suicide watch. I want to go and talk to him.  The parents are blaming the situation on a minor incident at school but I don’t think they realize that if a teen is attempting it, it’s because he has been thinking about it for a while. I was at Sick Kids down town visiting another student who is going through cancer treatments.  Its a rough go for the father and son. I feel for them but  God is in control and I keep praying. I may go visit some more later.

I am not having a crisis of faith.  I know God is my centre, I continue to look to him to hold me and protect me and he does, and when I am unable to God covers me over to protect me.  But I get frustrated, frustrated with feeling down, frustrated because in my meditations God keeps telling me to heal the broken-hearted and I don’t know how.  frustrated with a couple of people at work that irritate me.  I am frustrated that sometimes I can’t control my temper or my mind or my body, how am I suppose to help others. I know the answer to all these things I know I should quiet my soul and meditate on Gods word and give it all to him, complete surrender, I know I should tell the negative voices to go away and resist the devil and all his ways.  Tonight I am tired, and the negative voices know I am tired and are pulling at me. I know I need to let the frustration go and seek the Loving God I have, and trust him to show me his way, in his way and in his time.  But sometimes its like being on a diet in a chocolate factory the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  Sometimes they both are weak.

So tonight I will finish my chores, pick up my daughter from field hockey and then my son from his part-time job and try to ignore the brokeness that is trying to drown me, resist the urge to drink a glass of wine and eat something.

Good night!

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December — already!!!


December already, how did that happen. Hard to believe it is that time already.  This weekend I don’t have much happening so its a good time to decorate the house — well clean the house first and then decorate for christmas.  Its a weird Christmas this year.  We are going to Mexico for Christmas, land in there a couple days before and leave before New Years.   I am starting to get excited for the adventure. I am going to miss my friends and my Mother but it makes for a real breaking of traditions. We are not buying a tree this year, no point.  I have this huge Ficus tree that already has pin lights on it so we are just going to add to it.  No presents to buy.  We told everyone not to buy for us we would not buy for them.  No Christmas shopping – It is really neat.  No cards to send we decided we would take a picture on holidays and mail them out when we got back as Happy New Year pictures.  There are some things I will miss but this is a once in a life time thing, so its ok.  Its kinda nice to shake up Christmas.

Last year I had my breakdown before Christmas and was so depressed I couldn’t bearly function.  I hated the holidays last year. I couldn’t stand the carols, the decorating, the services, the parties, the food. It all just was too much to swallow.

This year is so much different. Since my prayer meeting with my pastor and best friend, I have been feeling more and more like me.  I canceled my therapy meeting for next week.  I have been feeling good and with Christmas coming up I am a little busy to be driving across the city, for now.  I was standing in Canadian Tire this morning with my husband, I was listening to a christmas song with a sax in it, it was so pretty and then I felt a very soft little pop.  I was waiting for my husband to make up his mind as to what bulb to buy for the van lights and just thinking about God and my previous day’s devotions and half listening to the music and suddenly I felt excited for Christmas. Not because we have this big trip planned but just excited about the event its self.  The services at church the getting together with people, the parties we are going to, the little things I want to do to make christmas special for the kids.  It was all very neat, and foreign.  At first I was hey what does that mean.  Then I had this thought “I like Christmas” and then I rethought the thought and Yes I do like Christmas.  I know this sounds weird but here’s the thing.  I hated Christmas last year and for the rest of the year I kept thinking about how the depression started and how it was at the Christmas time of year and I have been putting such negative energy and thoughts around the Holiday that I was a little taken a back when I decided that I like Christmas this year.  The only thing that grieves me is I will be missing two of my favorite services, and my friends. To think about it now makes me a little sad, but I will be sitting on a beach in the sun so maybe I can live with

In the end I am feeling more and more like me, is it God, is it I am getting adjusted to the drugs, is it the therapy I have had, is it a combination of all of the above?  — well yes but I think that my prayer meeting with the 4 of us has made the most difference.  It was such a powerful prayer meeting– it is defiantly a do over. I think God is giving me a peace I haven’t had in a while and that is wonderful, as for therapy– not sure what to think yet.

This is all i have to say for now – have a great weekend