Tag Archives: Health

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Broken


I have in hand a broken stick,

I am sliding down beneath the earth.

The open-pit to swallow me up.

My anger rages on.

Who will stop me,

Who will care.

I made a huge mistake

in sharing my pain.

I see only eyes of pity

Eyes of avoidance

Eyes of disguss.

I am tired of the pain I feel

I sit in the pew hoping to feel God

I only feel the rush of voices tearing my heart in two.

I shut off my phone, I shut my door.

No more to go.

For it is better to hide,

then be put to shame

Better to stay home , than be criticized

For there is no love out there.

For it is my pillow who holds me tight.

In the sleepless nights.

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Still holding the twig


I found the twig as I slid down my mountain and managed to hold on to it for a few days now.  I have managed to take two breaths.  My mind seems to have some clarity everything was mush last week I didn’t know what was right or wrong. This week is a bit better.   Yesterday was Ash Wednesday , a year ago I was in a ball on the bench in church.  A cloud of darkness had surrounded me and the more the pastor spoke the more my mind screamed.  I could not understand the words it was garbled and it all made no sence.  When the service was done I ran from the church to my house.  I was scared, dark, alone, deep in a pit where there was no light, no hope.  yesterday was different.  I was able to be apart of the service.  I could hear the words, I could pray with the congregation.  I spent a heartfelt time in God‘s home and was able to pray the secrets my heart that need to be told and ask for forgiveness.  Now the hard part forgiving myself.

As I was preparing for the service I was fasting and praying.  I have struggled with eating disorders over the past year.  I have gained the 15 pounds I lost and according to my Mom I look better,  being so skinny I was losing my good looks.  Mom’s got to love them!  I could go days without eating when I hate myself.  But Wednesday I was fasting as a preparation for the service to help me focus on God my Father and to focus on his majesty.  It was so hard!  It was interesting. The devil when he tells me the lies he wants me to believe; that my mind when I am sliding into depression grabs so easily, convince me that I am unworthy of loving myself and loving others.  To deny myself food or to indulge in alcohol is so easy.  When I do it for God it is so hard.  The devil will pick at me to give in because the flesh is weak.  But my mind is stronger this day so I could do it.  Tomorrow?? I don’t know – this is what bothers me the most. The uncertainty of it all.  The inability to trust myself, and the easiness to punish me for its instability.  This depressions ups and downs also makes my friends look at me one way or another.  They  gage, is she good or bad.  Sometimes I think people avoid me because it’s too much work to figure out where I am and what they can do, which makes them feel helpless.  So they avoid you or shun you because they are uncomfortable, which makes the isolation feelings that comes with depression even stronger and you slide a little deeper a little farther down the mountain.  I am not saying it is everyone else’s fault I feel I need to pull away or I my mood falls down.  It’s just an observation, no blame being laid.

So what else has been happening in my life.  Well maybe I am my own worst enemy.  My daughter is heading to Panama for a mission trip.  We are fund-raising and getting all the paperwork completed for her to go so that is one issue.  The second issue is she needs some shots before she goes so I have to make those appointments.  My son is off to college in the fall so I am in the process of getting him retested for his learning disability so he can get the services from college he needs. That is a lot of work and he also needs to be spending some time on applying for scholarships, more paperwork.  Then to make things even more interesting I applied for a new job at a new school.  More responsibility and a new situation so I will have so much to learn, if I get it.  I must be nuts.

So starting next week I am trying a new drug.  It is hormone related and we will see how it goes so many things to organize and then a new drug in the mix.

Lord I need you help here, help me get this all together and help me to proceed and get it all together.  All these things  I put into your hands Lord because  I know I can’t do it.   Amen

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Mountain climbing in Reverse


I am texting a friend of mine, I am trying to explain my mind, my feelings.  I have been pulling back from people.  I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to see me, I don’t want people to see me.  I skipped a lot of things I was to go to last week.  The best way to describe this is I am sliding down a mountain, grabbing onto what every I can to slow me down, stop me, but I can’t get a grip on to anything.  Or just can’t get a grip.   I have been better about not drinking — except Valentines night we had a nice bottle of wine between me and my husband it was nice.   I have been up and down this week.  It didn’t matter what time a day or what day I would be down on my way to work, the next day I was ok and sank at lunch or mid afternoon or at night.  So this week I was at my doctor and I brought my husband to help back me up and give his views on what is happening.  The doctor asked lots of questions.  She and he had a great discussion about me in front of me – it was weird.  So we try something else.  She is keeping me on my antidepressants, but adding some hormone drugs to the mix to see if it evens me out.  It is chemical and menopausal so this could work.  Two things however, I don’t want to be on more drugs that is concerning but its a guessing game and that is more concerning.  On the doctor shows you see the doctors say well let’s try this –oh that doesn’t work let’s try that.  Oh well that didn’t work sorry about the side effects lets try this now.  Mean while I feel like a mac truck hit me.  Bottom line is this is how you find out what will work for you, we are all different, and there is the rub.  Sometimes the cure is worse than the illness, sometimes the cure magnifys the illness.

The second part of the doctor apt.  This is the one that scares me.  I have struggled so hard over the past few weeks, I can’t seem to get my head above water. Its gone as far as bugging my friends and getting reassurance that A.  Iam not crazy and B.  they still love me.  My pastor, my friend  I am sure is sick of doing this, but my mind is mush and I don’t know what the hell is going on he is emailing me reassurance that I am not losing it.  My best friend did the same thing earlier in the week.    If this new thing doesn’t work then its a psychological evaluation for me at a psychologist.  Just reading this sentence — its like what the heck!  I have felt crazy at times I have felt out of control.  This is unsettling.  Maybe I am crazy.  The thing is I don’t know how to feel about this.  It’s a bit of a jump ahead of the game, but it is part of the plan, for down the road.

I haven’t started the new drug, I will start in a couple of weeks so in the mean time I have time to research and I see the doctor with my daughter tomorrow so I can ask some more questions. I feel like I am in left field, blowing in the breeze.

Dear Lord, you know how hard I have fought, you know how sometimes I have not tried at all.  The fight has worn me out and I have not had the energy to fight.  But you Lord, You have always been the constant and true to me and your word.  You have always stood by me and keeps me safe.  Lord you know what is right for me, help me to make good decisions and help me find the answers to be come well.  Dear Lord in the name of your son Jesus Christ I put this and all the groaning of my heart and spirit in to your hands.  Amen.

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Quick Sand


Sitting in quick sand sinking slowly.  Its been a slow progression over the past week.  I have not been feeling well.  A weekend of self destruction, to end off a week of self destruction. My mind has been a swirl of thoughts emotions, ups and downs.  I can’t seem to get them straight.  I don’t know this mind of mine. I have been fighting with the self destruction voices.  I hardly ate last week, I think there were days that I didn’t eat at all, but I am not sure to be honest.  My memory seems to be sipping.  I do know I drank a lot of red wine.  Everyday. I did all the things I should not be doing. Too much wine, coffee not enough food, sleep.  In black and white it reads so stupid.  I see the words and know what is right and wrong, but I look at the food can’t eat.  I sooth myself with a glass of wine cause it makes me feel better. Wine does not go with the pills I shouldn’t be drinking and evidence today on how I feel should be pretty clear.  I have to stop. I don’t know if I can.  Yesterday I was counting down the minutes till I could get home from my Mothers house and have a glass of wine.  We went out for lunch with her yesterday and I worked very hard at eating something so my Mom and Husband wouldn’t start to figure out what was wrong.  All the while I am putting food in my mouth I am hating it.   The swirl of voices and thoughts will not stop.  They seem to lessen over night but that does not mean I sleep.  I just lay there looking at the ceiling.  Blinking.

 
If I read this first paragraph and never experienced depression I would automatically think this person is crazy.  This is hard to read and or understand.  As a person who does suffer from depression I can say, yes I understand and yes this person looks crazy.  I feel crazy.
I have been spiralling down slowly for a few weeks now.  My husband and I have spent a lot of time talking about me over the past few days.  He has taken over my bank accounts, my credit cards, my pills, my routine.  There are many areas of my life he has taken over.  That sounds like I am a bad child and being punished, but he is drawing very close to me in a show of support and to keep me from hurting myself. I feel so guilty this is stressing him out too.  He doesn’t say it but I can see it.  So now what? Tuesday I have a Dr. apt first time in three months.  My Husband is coming too.  He has some very pointed questions for my doctor and I am a little nervous how this is going to play out.  I have been praying that God give my doctor wisdom on how to help me and to give me wisdom to ask the right questions and understand what she is telling me.
 
Other news, I cut and permed my Mother’s hair on the weekend (between being hung over and having a beer) Its a bit of a lengthy process so we had lots of time to talk and she and I are good at that.   I told Mom that I have been experiencing the physical aspects of menopause.  She knows this already but I had to ease into what I really wanted to tell her.  I told her that I had another doctor’s apt to follow up on how I am doing that she monitors me closely.  She still wasn’t clueing in but she was wondering why and what was going on.  Then I told her about the emotional side of things I have been dealing with.  Very vaguely.  Then I cut to the chase and told her I was on antidepressants.  I didn’t say I was depressed. but I told her of the medication.  She said very little, I am not sure she understood or if she didn’t think it a big deal.  It made me feel very uncomfortable, and then after a while we changed the subject, never to bring it up again the rest of the weekend.
 
So where is God, and where am I.  God is always where he should be.  He is loving me and sending people to love and help me.  God is trying to cover me over with his wing to protect me, when I allow it.  Jesus is standing there saying I am your savour trust me, I am your brother your Father loves you please love yourself. Where am I – doing what I do every night laying there in a mind swirl, blinking.  I know these things – I just get confused on how to live it. I feel like a feather in a hurricane but at some point the wind has to stop and I will fall to earth, I just hope I land on my feet.  With God’s help I will, cause I can not do it on my own.
 
 
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They are only thoughts! Not actions


I had been feeling good- note past tense took a tumble today – I felt it yesterday – I thought I was just  tired and busy day but I knew. I knew that I was heading in a direction I didn’t want to go.  I have been putting on a brave face today working hard being distracted but it swallowed me up this afternoon.  I took my anxiety drugs and I tried to let them work.  I’ve had thoughts today- first time thoughts.  It was the first time I thought of “what would happen if I took a double dose or a triple dose of these drugs”- do they really make a difference or are they sugar pills designed to just make me feel better because I took something.  I am feeling very anxious and I have been trying very hard to fight an anxiety attack today. The interesting thing about taking more drugs as the thought rolled around my mind – and it did for a while – I never considered others.  It was such a singular thought.  If I did this how would I feel? Would it harm me? What if I took them with a good bottle of wine what would that feel like?  I never thought hey if I did do this my children would be effected my husband would be effected I thought of no one else, no one crossed my mind.  It was a curious thought. Why didn’t I think of anyone else? It shows me how when some one is considering suicide that there is no “we, they, us, family, parents, friends;” just a singular me.   It flores me that a life of relationships and I have some special ones when you fall in such a hole can put blinders on you so you don’t feel them, only the pain that is all consuming .  That is what shocked me today.  You feel nothing.  I should have been outraged at the thought- I should have immedatly got down on my knees and prayed. I just rolled around my brain like the last pea in a veggie pot.   It was suductive, sneaky, and unfrightening.

Don’t call 911 I am not going to do something – It was a thought just a thought.  I am still shakey, and anxious and Iam going to try some yoga and meditation to calm me and see if I can climb out of this hole. I told my husband how I am feeling and even though he is working really late tonight he will call in and check on me and I am not alone my daughter is here.

So what now – pray, read my bible and trust that God will keep safe.

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Depression a case of dismissal


Well here we are 2012.  I am having a tough time writing 2012 it looks wrong to me and I know it’s just new, and  me but it makes me giggle.  I have been doing ok, feeling ok, I have had a couple of gut reactions to things this week.  I have wanted to pull back and not respond to people or friends but I have been making me interact.  I keep reminding myself of my vacation and the peace I felt and the wonderful time I had with my husband and my wonderful children.  Believe it or not I have gained all the weight I lost, plus a couple of pounds and I have some Christmas weight to lose.  I am doing well trying to get back to routine and I have been exercising too so I am good. Mostly.

I have a friend who is in the hospital tonight I want to talk about.  She is also suffering from depression and maybe bipolar. They haven’t finished making that final diagnosis.  It makes my heart sad to see her in such pain.  She has been suffering for a 2 years now.  She had a — lets call it a run in with the night nurse, and she ended up drugged and strapped to her bed last night.  She has a mild temperament,  as she sobbed to me over the phone and told me what happened it broke my heart.  I felt for her but to be honest I also felt selfish.  How far was I from being strapped to a bed?  I have in the past year had a break down, been in some dark places.  Here is the rub of it all and maybe this is what bothers me the most.  When I realized I was suffering from depression I was so freaked out because I thought people would think badly of me and not take me seriously, dismiss me, or think Oh this is just PMS gone crazy– what ever!!!!  Again I say how far was I from being strapped to a bed like a criminal. If you suffer from depression you know there are people I can not tell I am suffering from this illness and that is what it is an illness.  I can not help!  As much as my best friend assures me that I am ok and it is not my fault, I am afraid, and here is where the paranoia sets in.  There are promotions coming up at work- if they knew I was on anti-depressant, would they consider me- I am suffering from menopause depression.  I play in a band, work, take care of my family, cook, clean, exercise, volunteer.  I do so much well should I be rejected as a member of society, rejected as a candidate for promotion at my work because I am on anti-depressant and therefore psycho!!  This is the fear I have been fighting.  This is the reason I have not told some of my family what I am going through, this is why I haven’t told my in-laws and as a result put up with countless personal attacks on me for being difficult when I was really deeply depressed and could not respond in a way they wanted and they verbally trashed me in front of my kids and me.  This is the real reason I ran away this Christmas to avoid the ghosts of Christmas past cause I could not cope with the family, the events and the stigma that goes with depression.

Tonight I am angry and unsettled because I am disappointed that I am one of those statistics – the what ever the percentage of adult that suffer from depression and are made fun of on commercials, sitcoms, and life.  It takes the fight out of me to fight the darkness and gives it reason to take over and end the suffering I have endured.  That is angry talk.  That is passionate talk.  That is desperation talk.

That is the world’s talk.  What is God‘s talk? He thought of me before he created the world. He loving knitted me in my Mother’s womb.  God is Love and I know I am his child and so are all of us and so is my friend in the mental ward.  God will take care of my enemies and place them under my feet.  its just that this world makes me angry sometimes.  I must trust in the Lord and remember he takes care of the broken hearted and uses the weak to increase the Gospel to the ends of the world.   Amen.  It doesn’t mean I can’t be angry at the world!

 

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short post – it happens eh!


It has been a rush around week – meetings and large project at work and stuff after work.  I don’t know if I am overwhelmed, sad, tired or all of the above.  I think all of the above.  I could feel sadness crawling around me today.  Not bad, just enough to say – hey you bug off. I am not heading down that road tonight. I am home alone for a change and I  am planing some yoga later.  It will be a push for tha,t cause I feel like pouring a glass of wine and sitting in my bed and listening to sad songs and hiding.  Can’t, my family left a mess in the kitchen and I have laundry to finish so I must keep busy or I will lose myself to the voices calling.  There is a student at the hospital tonight one of our students from school on suicide watch. I want to go and talk to him.  The parents are blaming the situation on a minor incident at school but I don’t think they realize that if a teen is attempting it, it’s because he has been thinking about it for a while. I was at Sick Kids down town visiting another student who is going through cancer treatments.  Its a rough go for the father and son. I feel for them but  God is in control and I keep praying. I may go visit some more later.

I am not having a crisis of faith.  I know God is my centre, I continue to look to him to hold me and protect me and he does, and when I am unable to God covers me over to protect me.  But I get frustrated, frustrated with feeling down, frustrated because in my meditations God keeps telling me to heal the broken-hearted and I don’t know how.  frustrated with a couple of people at work that irritate me.  I am frustrated that sometimes I can’t control my temper or my mind or my body, how am I suppose to help others. I know the answer to all these things I know I should quiet my soul and meditate on Gods word and give it all to him, complete surrender, I know I should tell the negative voices to go away and resist the devil and all his ways.  Tonight I am tired, and the negative voices know I am tired and are pulling at me. I know I need to let the frustration go and seek the Loving God I have, and trust him to show me his way, in his way and in his time.  But sometimes its like being on a diet in a chocolate factory the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  Sometimes they both are weak.

So tonight I will finish my chores, pick up my daughter from field hockey and then my son from his part-time job and try to ignore the brokeness that is trying to drown me, resist the urge to drink a glass of wine and eat something.

Good night!

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Visit #2


Back at the therapist office.   I still don’t know how I feel about this.  I feel weird going, driving there, and waiting to see her.  I thought I was going to be late- traffic to the other side of the city was heavy, but I got there. No music this time. The TV was off or maybe someone else lost their mind and broke the DVD.  I managed to get up and read the information of Mood Disorders.  It was interesting but made me sad as I picked out the things that I have been feeling and thinking.  When we get in the office (and yes there is a couch- and you know because I have a weird sense of humour I said I am not laying down on it- she laughed, I figured that was a good sign, she could laugh) She asked how I was, I told her I was uncomfortable being there and I see talking to her as a sign of weakness in character.  She gave me her sad puppy dog look and told me she understands. I told her that was easy for her to say she understands, because she gets to sit in a chair not on a couch.  She commented, that I did come back so I can’t feel that uncomfortable. Darn she caught me in a line.  We continued to get to know each other discuss work, teen years, family, depression, then after 45 minutes of chatting and answering a thousand more questions, she gave me home work to do and sent me on my way.  I drove home in a fog.  Maybe my pride is getting in the way Maybe I am vain, but I felt depressed all the way home.

So for the past 36 hours I have been wondering why this bothers me so much.  Why I would never admit this to people I know, and not even want to discuss with my closest friends, who have been my support through all of this.  Part of this has to do with social conditioning. ( here comes my college sociology and psychology courses into play– who knew they would be useful)  When you think about TV, sitcoms, cartoons, movies, they always portray the flighty one, the inadequate  one, or the untrustworthy one as the one who has mental issues and goes to a therapist.  Think about it for a minute.  Goldie Hawn comes to mind in all the silly movies she has been in.  Think of every time a therapist is brought into a movie how is the person who needs them, portrayed.

I guess this is my blockage in getting past. This is the stereo type and negative image I have of this.  I think people will think less of me, not trust me, not consider me worth getting to know.  When I look back at my first blogs I believe this is what I said about depression in the first place.   I guess I am my own worst enemy.

But above all that, the real question is; and let’s be honest – the real question is not what my prejudices are but Do I need this.  I am feeling for the most part good.  A few little downers this week but nothing I can’t talk myself out of.  Eating a bit of an issue but still trying. I find a couple of nights I sleep,  a couple of nights I didn’t which makes it tough when you are tired.   I think back two weeks or so ago and think about how I felt and the pressing loneliness and I needed someone to talk to and the refusal to eat or associate with people, and sadness.  I need this. I need to lay the ground work while I am feeling good and see what tomorrow brings.  Maybe I will not need it.  Maybe I will be delivered from this depression. Maybe tomorrow I fall on my face of in a hole of despair but in the mean time I will purse this and do my homework and show up next week.

Lord I know you are with me every step of the way Yes you are the creator of everything.  Of me and all I have ever seen dreamt about or could imagine.  So Lord I thank you for all the good gifts you give me.  I thank you for the challenges in my life, you are always there to hold my hand and send me those who I need to help me.  I am not worthy of this Grace and Love and Protection but you do love me and give me all these gifts as you would any of your children. Thank you, my Heavenly Father   Amen

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Waiting Room


So I sit in the waiting room, 20 minutes early.  I sit in front of a large window, the building is right beside the highway.  The highway is moving well, I am surprised how little time it took me to get to this side of the city.  The waiting room is behind glass doors the receptionist; who is gorgeous, is sitting at her desk on the other side of the glass.  I can’t help but look at her.  I love her hair.  Its pulled up in a beautiful bun  drawn back in a lovely sophisticated manner.  Her hair must be as long as mine, I am resisting  the urge to asking how she did it.   My side of the glass there is a play area behind me.  There must be a T.V. or something que’d up to play a movie.  It keeps playing the same theme music over and over and over again.  I am trying to zone out.  I am trying to concentrate on other things.  The traffic keeps moving along. I read all the truck signs, wonder what that one is carrying, or where that one is going, or wouldn’t you be embarrassed to be driving around with that slogan on the side of your truck.   Time is passing slowly.  I read the signs on the walls, resisting the urge to look again at the receptionist and analyze her hair.  She has seen me twice looking at her, not good.  I read the bristol board on the wall describing mood disorders.  Bipolar, depression, anxiety.   Its like sitting in an examining room looking at diagrams of the insides of the body and wondering if your aches and pains are one of the horrible things they are describing with an arrow.  This ugly spot is cancer!  Ok; back to the traffic.  I am trying to do three things at once.  One; look normal, not scared, second; don’t read the mood disorder descriptions, and three; don’t get up grab the DVD and rip out that disc and stomp on it cause the music is about to make me crazy.

I am waiting for my new therapist to greet me.  I keep looking out of the corner of my eye, receptionist, someone walking by- is that her– ugg, mind telling me don’t look.   Traffic.  Corner of eye, looking, ugly man, ugg, no mine is a woman.  Traffic.  I am losing my mind sitting here.  I feel like a caged animal sitting behind the glass.  Everyone looks at me as they walk by.  If it’s a waiting room where are all the people?  Or am I the only crazy one here today.

These are all irrational thoughts. But they are my thoughts- the thoughts of someone who is just a little anxious about what is about to happen.  I pray for God give me someone good.  I sit remembering the past year, how the hell did I get here?  I was a strong farm girl. I could handle anything.  If any of my family, Mother, Uncles, cousins, anyone knew I was sitting waiting to see a councilor they would laugh, tell me to go do some farm work and smarten up.  Too much time on my hands, thinking about stupid stuff, get to work.

Yet here I am watching the traffic. Wanting to take a bat to the DVD now- but I saw anpatient transport van in the parking lot, so I am thinking, not a good sign, what mental institute does that one belong to?? If I smash the DVD they will see me as aggressive– when No I can’t stand the stupid music. This thought makes me laugh, I can picture myself white jacket in a rubber room – explaining to the doctors “really I’m crazy I just hear the same song 58 times and couldn’t handle it anymore.  Why does this make me laugh- its like something from a sitcom, and by the way if this is a waiting room at a Family Counciling centre wouldn’t they have calming yoga type music?? I’m just saying! ! ! ! ! !

So I meet her.  She is nice and makes me feel at ease, but I am still conscious of the fact that I have gone from normal to depressed, to drugs, to a therapist.

She takes down my information and after an hour of questions about my husband my kids my child hood I leave.

What do I think about all this ? I am not sure yet.  She tells me I am brave to be there I am sure she tells everyone that.   Her body language when I was telling her my father has passed was like she was about to cry.  A little over the top, I almost said, “”hey I got over it, relax that was 15 years ago”    I do know about this.  I am still feeling good, and maybe that is why I am feeling weird about this.   It might be easier if I was sad or mad or feeling anything else but good.

I go back next week, we will see where this leads to.

Dear Lord my God you lead me to this place, you lead me to these people.  I pray that you lead me down the road in this journey never to leave me always holding my hand.  I give you all of this and ask for help in the powerful name of Jesus Christ.  Amen

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October – believe that fall is here.


It’s the first week in October.  Its cold, I wore a leather coat today.  It is inevitable that winter is coming.  I was born in Canada this isn’t a new thing to me – fall/winter.  But I don’t like being cold, but I am a farm girl, a Canadian girl, grew up in the snow belt, so no more whining about cold – I will suck it up- buy a sweater.

What is new in the life of depression.  Well, two weeks or so on the new drugs and some of the side effects have disappeared.  When I first took them half way through the morning I felt numb, my brain was in a fog.  That seems much better this week.  The shakes, well even they seem a little better.  The anxiety, well still working on that one.  We were to a friend’s place for dinner Sunday night I was doing good for the first half of the night and started to feel my heart pounding and jittery, so I took an anxiety pill and survived over dinner but when we got to desert I was starting to slip.  My husband noticed and told me the little things he does to lift me up.  I was getting tired and I had enough of being with people.  There were 8 of us and I was done.  But we soon left after that.  I went home took my anti-depressant pill in bed by 10:30 awake by 3 am but did manage to get back to sleep this time for an hour or two.  I went to work feeling clearer, a good sign.  I went shopping after work for new dress pants.  I wore some on Sunday that were horribly large on me.  I love those pants but I must have some alterations on them they are a size 4 I bought a nice dress pant size 2 today.  Since my dr. apt a few weeks ago I have lost a little more weight.  I am eating a little more some days.

I have been beating myself up over my weight loss and the lack of appetite and seeing it as a huge sin and on Sunday God and I separated it.  I saw this huge wall that I couldn’t get around.  I was hurting my body and saw that as a sin and yet the darkness I was holding on to.  Sunday God and I separated it.  It is not a wall between me and my father.  It is a condition, caused by first the medication.  I am not hungry, the meds suppress appetite, not my fault.  I eat and I don’t feel well afterwards, to the point of feeling like I could throw up ( I have never done that).  So fear of being ill and the pain of eating keeps me from eating much.  As for God it is the darkness that wants me to believe that it is a wall between me and God. God showed me this weekend that he is separate from that.  My lack of eating and loss of weight that I saw as a sin and keeping me from Gods love, forgiveness, joy.  As I looked at the cross at the front of the church and looked at how smooth and even pretty it was, unthreatening.  I thought about what the cross that Jesus hung on looked like.  Two pieces of  rough wood, large spikes through his hands and feet and how he separated himself from God, the pain the agony the death.  Why? so I could come closer to God, so God and I could have a relationship.  Jesus’ death bridged the distance between me and God over my sin, Jesus took all our sin on him and rose again to be with God so we could be forgiven.  He defeated death and darkness.  But as I have said many times, darkness and depression want you to believe that God does not matter he does not love me and I should not love myself.  That no one cares.  But God loves me dearly and there is no wall between us it was the darkness creating a lie that I could not be loved by God because if my eating issues ( I can’t call them a disorder – yet).  The wall disappeared and the eating issues seem smaller now.

The thought of someone going through depression with no contacts, support groups, no prayers for them, no God.  That darkness is black.  I scares me that someone could be so lost, and yet be in a crowd.  God can conquer all he has done it with me.  Last post I asked God to cover me with his wing so I could hide and prepare for the next day and he covered me came to my heart healed some of the brokeness showed me the light through the window to go another day, another few hours till the next anxiety attack. And he lifted me up so I could love Him and me. Through his word in the bible, through the words spoken on Sunday in the sermon, in the songs I was teaching the Sunday school class, and in the most kindest words from my best friend, God made sure I knew that I was loved and forgiven.

So does that mean I am cured was it a weekend of miraculous healing.  No it was not.  I had the shakes for a bit today, my heart was pounding this afternoon and I felt anxious, it was not an attack but I calmed my spirit and rode the wave.  I nibbled tonight for supper, not a whole lot but I put a little something in me. I feel broken still, not as much as yesterday and maybe less tomorrow.  I am not cured, but in this journey God is showing me his power and I will be cured in due time – God’s time.  In the mean time I write here, pray for those who read these blogs and hope that no one will ever go through depression without talking to God and having him save their heart and soul.

God Bless you and May he show you the way out of the darkness and into the light – where there is peace beyond all understanding and joy and love you can only get through the Father Son and Holy Spirit.  Invite them into your heart and soul, for a brighter and better tomorrow.   Amen